By: QDT
Disclaimer: This doesn't belong to me or you,
So I wish you wouldn't sue.
One-shot, a combination of sorts.
The first thing you might want to know about Goldilocks is that she was brunette. The second thing is that she was a servant. Or, at least, was made to act like one, which pretty much amounts to the same thing. She did not hold much hope for her future, as Cinderella had died over one hundred years ago, so that tale was obviously past.
One day Goldilocks decided that the only way to get out of her predicament (you know, the whole servant-in-her-own-home thing) was to run away. So she grabbed her broom, forgot to pack any food, and headed off into the woods.
Once in the woods, okay, so not at once, more like a mile or two in, she ran into this really weird house made entirely out of candy. Not realizing that eating candy you found in the woods is a really bad idea because it probably contains hallucinogens of some sort, she grabbed a shingle and shoved it into her mouth.
Walking inside the cottage (which could be considered breaking and entering), she saw three bears (who luckily did not press charges) sitting around a table playing poker for fish were singing something about being under the sea. Both the bears and the fish completely ignored Goldilocks, who continued on upstairs (which was probably a pretty stupid idea).
Unfortunately, she never made it all the way up the stairs. This was because right in the middle of the staircase, the was a gigantic beanstalk sprouting out of the floor. Goldilocks, continuing on a rather apparent quest for unintelligence, proceeded to climb up the beanstalk. This took a very long time, and Goldilocks was quite tired by the time she was finished, but there was a giant up there, who seemed to want to turn in her into bread, which is quite a silly idea because are obviously not a main ingredient in bread. That would be called cannibalism. So instead of resting and being eaten (or hiding like any sensible person would), Goldilocks ran away until she met this miller.
The miller takes her in, and she stays with him for a while, doing the same sort of thing she did back home, until the miller runs into the king. We're not sure how exactly this came about, it just did. The miller tells him (the king) that a woman staying with him can spin straw into gold, in hopes that he (the king) will give him (the miller) some gold so that he (the miller) can try this new invention called pizza.
The king invites Goldilocks to his castle, and she obviously accepts because he's the king, and that's just what you do. Then he (the king) locks her (Goldilocks) up in a room full of straw and a spinning wheel so that she (Goldilocks) can get him (the king) even more gold than he (the king) already has. And she sits there and cries because she obviously can't spin straw into gold, and seems to think that crying might somehow help.
A weird little dwarf called Jerry hears her crying, but Goldilocks's luck has finally run out because (a) Jerry can't get in and (b) Rumpelstiltskin is the one who can spin straw into gold. Rumpelstiltskin is also good at picking locks. Jerry is only his brother.
The next morning, the king takes one look at Goldilocks—and the straw that is not gold—and says, "Wow, that girl is ugly when she cries," and chucks her into the swamp, where she meets a very nice frog who used to be a duke. They live happily ever after and have a lot of weird and deformed frog children, who drink spiked rum and fall asleep until they die of starvation.
The End.