A/N: I finally posted this! I've been working on the idea behind it since I watched the first four seasons for the second time over the past few months. It goes AU around 4x12/4x13. It's also a baby fic centered around Olivia's PTSD and has an Olake endgame. I hope everyone enjoys. Also, don't read this just to leave hate, please. There are much better ways to spend your time.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.
Olivia Pope sat on her wine-stained sofa, staring at the small white stick resting on a paper towel mere centimeters away on her coffee table with shock and horror. Her skin prickled with a coldness that did not exist in the room, yet despite her body's natural anxious response to the news that she had just been given after a convenient three-minute wait, she felt beads of sweat begin to form on her forehead and soak into her loose locks. Despite everything that she had been through in her lifetime-with an emphasis on everything that she had been through in her last eight weeks-, she could honestly say that she had never been more terrified than in the moment when the two pink lines that so many songs had been written about over the years became impossible to ignore. As she sat there, there was only one thought running through her mind. What the hell was she going to do now?
The second thought to run through her mind should probably have been how this had happened, but she already knew the answer to that. It turned out that while Jake Ballard could stare dictators in the eye without flinching and give orders that allowed for history to be made without hesitation, he was very much like most men in the fact that he tended to give sobbing, distraught women whatever the hell they wanted without hesitation if he thought that it would make them stop crying. That night, what she had wanted was him. She had never imagined that that moment would lead her to this moment. She had never imagined that a baby would be in the cards for the two of them. She had never imagined that the first emotion she felt when she learned of a pregnancy would be panic. Then again, she had also never imagined that she would be kidnapped, manhandled, and held against her will in absolute terror for a week before anyone found her, so it seemed that her imagination wasn't nearly as terrifying as reality most days.
She would have been happy if it had been any other time. Yes, she would have been anxious and terrified, but she would have allowed those emotions to fade into happiness rather quickly if her life had been normal at that point in time. The problem was that her life wasn't normal, and it hadn't been in weeks. She was still damaged from what had happened. She still refused to open her front door; Jake was the only one who had been in her apartment since the night following her rescue, and that was only because he was the one who had copies of all of the keys courtesy of Huck. She woke up screaming most nights, and didn't sleep in her bed alone any nights anymore. She didn't go outside for anything other than work, and she stayed on her phone for the entire walk or drive just to prevent herself from becoming lost in the silence. The last thing that she needed to bring into her life was a baby. She did not need a baby to consider in all of this. That didn't change the fact that she was still going to have one.
She knew that she should tell Jake, but she didn't know how to. She knew he would be ecstatic. He had always wanted to be a father, had told her on the island that he imagined that in their future. Back then, when everything was simple and easy and compartmentalized, it had been a comforting thought. Now, the idea of informing him of his impending fatherhood and being faced with his excitement when she was experiencing only a fraction of that joy herself, it was a terrifying one.
It turned out that that wasn't a decision that she had to make. The doorknob rattled, and Jake's voice called out, "Just me, Liv,", and Olivia inwardly panicked.
"Just a second," she called out, and she could sense his shock even through the door as he paused in unlocking the door. She pulled it open about ten minutes later after taking a deep breath. "Hi," she greeted cheerfully, hoping that her false happiness would hold off questions for a few minutes. "I didn't know that you were going to stop by." She stepped aside to allow him to enter.
"Yeah, I figured I'd check in," Jake stated as he walked into her apartment, confusion still the prominent emotion on his face. "Quinn said you had a hard case today, so I brought some Gettysburger," he informed her, holding up the takeout bag from their favorite burger joint. "I also brought beer. I don't know good wine from grape juice, so I didn't think you'd want me picking that for you." He glanced back at the now-closed door. "You just let me in," he stated, something akin to awe in his tone of voice.
"I just let you in," she confirmed with a small, anxious smile. "Jake, we need to talk."
"Those are not words any man wants to hear from a beautiful woman," Jake informed her, placing the takeout bag on her kitchen table and then turning towards her. "But all right, I'll bite. Which you should stop doing; you're going to make your lip bleed." She immediately released her bottom lip from between her teeth, and he looked towards her with uncertainty and concern obvious in his gaze. "What's going on with you, Liv?"
"I've been having sickness, which isn't something unanticipated in my line of work. I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer at all times. But it's only in the morning, you see, and so I told Abby about it, and she went out and bought a test, and I took it thirty minutes ago." She drew in a deep breath. "And it was positive."
"Wow." Jake drew out the word, sinking into one of her dining room chairs. "Well, that's... Wow." He shook his head. "Are you sure? I mean, I'm not saying you're lying, but it's just... this is a person, Liv. I need to know if you're sure."
"I had blood work done at the doctor's two weeks ago. They were just looking for evidence of remnants of drugs, but I asked them if they found anything else when they called me with the results this morning. Abby was with me when I got them, and because I had just told her about the sickness and refused to listen to her, she went out and bought the test. I probably didn't even need to take it; urine is less accurate than blood. I... I just wanted to confirm for myself what biology had already confirmed for the medical professionals." Olivia sighed. "I should have told you the moment that I began to suspect anything. I'm sorry."
"Liv, I am not angry," he assured her. "I'm just surprised. I didn't think that...we used protection."
"We did, and that's also the only time I've done anything since I got back. I guess those sex-ed teachers did not lie to twelve-year-old me, after all," she joked, hoping to draw out a chuckle. "It really does only take one time for your entire life to be changed."
"Is it going to be?" Jake questioned, causing her to meet his eyes with her own. "I mean, your life. Is it going to be changed?"
"Is that your very subtle way of asking if I plan to continue this pregnancy?" Olivia questioned, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Look, I know how you feel about a woman's right to choose. If you want to terminate, it's not my business," Jake stated, refusing to look at her.
"Jake, I wouldn't have told you if I was unsure about whether or not I wanted to continue the pregnancy. I told you because growing children eventually become difficult to hide underneath clothing, and I wanted you to know before everyone else." Olivia smiled at him, a shy smile that she didn't use often. "I'm terrified of this."
"So am I," Jake admitted lowly.
"You and me, though, us, the baby, all of it, it'll be okay, right? We will be okay?" Olivia asked, uncharacteristic vulnerability in her yes and voice.
"Yeah," Jake agreed. "We'll be okay."
Olivia prayed that he could keep that promise.