Yep, I do not own the Avengers, pity me please.
Looking resplendent in a leather eye patch and black trenchcoat, Director Nick Fury addressed a roomful of newly-minted S.H.E.I.L.D. agents.
"Listen up rookies!" Fury yelled, "We are glad and grateful to have you here, but before you lift one finger and do any type of work for S.H.E.I.L.D, you are going to have to read and memorize this!"
Fury held up a very thick sheaf of papers, "These are S.H.E.I.L.D'S official rules, you will each find a copy beneath your chairs, and they come complete with a therapist's number, now start reading, you rookies will have half an hour each day to look over those rules, and I want them memorized my the end of this month!"
Everyone in the room automatically reached under their chairs, and pulled up a thick puce pamphlet, on the cover of the pamphlet were the words, S.H.E.I.L.D'S OFFICAL SURVIAL GUIDELINES AND RULES, as well as a sticky note that contained the number of an extremely competent therapist.
The rookies stared at the first page of Rules in amazement, Fury grinned down at them, "Welcome to S.H.E.I.L.D !" he exclaimed gleefully, as they began to read.
1.When and if the air conditioning system malfunctions, it is by no means advisable to use Loki's Jotun form as an alternate cooling unit.
2. Agent Barton is not Cupid.
3. Agent Coulson does not have a long-lost brother named Mycroft Holmes.
4. Any vodka that happens to be on S.H.E.I.L.D premises belongs solely to Agent Romanov.
5. Whatever happens between Stark and Dr. Banner while they are in their lab, stays in their lab. There will be no speculations.
6. Whenever Thor is in the general vicinity, everyone is advised to keep Poptarts handy, they work like Snicker bars if Thor gets pissed off.
7."Loki made me do it" is not a viable excuse for anything anymore.
8. Neither is "Tony made me do it".
9. Flattery does not work on Agent Wade Wilson, he is covered in scars, and he knows it.
10. Personal time between Agent Coulson and his coffee must not be disturbed.
11. The same thing goes for Thor and his Hammer...get your heads out of the gutter, not that hammer.
12. Do not try to summon Agent Barton by using bird calls.
13. Loki can change his gender, when this happens, it is advisable for men to stay away, or else suffer extreme blood loss via the nose.
14. In the middle of a battle, when Thor comes running in to save the day, do not yell "Whoo! Hammer time!"
15. Everything Steve Rogers says will be the truth, and you are not allowed to take advantage of that.
16. Decaf coffee is not, and will never be allowed within S.H.E.I.L.D. headquarters
17. Merdia is not the illegitimate child of Agent Barton and Agent Romanov.
18. You are never to speak about wedding dresses, snakes or horses, in front Loki or Thor.
19. Agent Wade Wilson, Tony Stark, and Loki should never be left alone together, unless you feel like triggering the apocalypse.
20. Director Fury must never get drunk, he was drunk ONCE and he managed to get the president kidnapped and imprisoned on the moon.
21. Never use a pinup of Deadpool as your computer's wallpaper, the last time that happened, the internet crashed.
22. The song Ice, Ice, Baby is not Loki's theme song and should never, repeat, never ever be played within his hearing.
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That's it for now, tell me if you liked them!