"She hated him."
"Nah, she didn't."
Year One
Lily leaps onto the Hogwarts Express, one hand gripping tightly onto her trunk, one hand wiping furiously at the remaining tears on her face. Behind her, her family stands on the platform. Petunia is looking at her, her face pinched with anger mixed with guilt, but Lily doesn't look back. She is eleven. She is brash, intelligent, and beautiful. She has never heard the word "mudblood" before.
The train ride is an utter disaster. She settles in an empty carriage, and two boys quickly slip in after her. They both have dark-hair, but that is where the resemblance ends. One of them has a certain presence to him, a surety, a knowledge of the world and where he fits into it. His clothes are neatly ironed and clearly expensive. His cheeks are chubby and youthful, but she can see the planes of his face where roundness will become leanness, the impenetrable eyes, the curve of his lip as he smiles at her. He is young, surely her age, but he is already beautiful.
The other is—different. Where the other boy is dark, this boy is all light. His hair is a mess, and his clothes are, although probably equally as expensive, rumpled as if he had slept in them. Behind his glasses peer playful hazel eyes which turn up at the corners when he says hello to her.
They have potential as new friends, she realizes, but she's still turning through her last argument with Petunia in her head, so she gives them a barely-there smile and turns to the window. They seem to get the hint, and with little disappointment continue chattering with each other.
Not more than five minutes later, she hears the squeak of the door being pulled open, and she turns to see Sev. He makes his way over to sit opposite of her and she sees his eyes carefully catalogue the swollen eyes and tear tracks on her cheeks. He gives her a little unsure smile.
"I don't want to talk to you." She winces a little at how it comes out, tight and emotional. She sees one of the two boys turn almost instinctively towards her, and then immediately restrict his movement. She knows they are listening.
Severus immediately recoils a little. "Why not?"
Lily swallows a little, feeling all the emotions rise to the surface again. She pushes away the echoes of their argument—you freak—as she tries to answer. "Tuney h—hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore." She hiccups a little.
"So what?" he says, bewildered.
She looks at him, affronted. "So she's my sister!" Petuniais—she is everything to Lily. Her—their—parents were kind. Loving. But slightly distant, as if having Lily and Petunia was their social duty to the world, and after they were self-functioning, well, that was it. They never wanted for anything. But there was a certain aspect of their relationship that was lacking, a hole that Lily wasn't even sure what to call, that Lily found in Petunia. Lily detachedly notices that she's crying again, and peeks out of the corner of her eye. The two boys are still not looking at her, but they're also not talking. She discretely tries to wipe her eyes.
Severus, never to be put off, leans forward, his eyes shining. "But we're going," he says. "This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!"
Petunia's eyes, full of hate, nags at the corner of her mind. But she can't help the half-smile that spreads at the excitement in his voice. She knows that Severus's family wasn't exactly loving, and she feels a little guilt at finding her own lacking. He had talked of nothing but Hogwarts all summer, of finding a home, and friends, and magic. She knows how much this means to him.
"You'd better be in Slytherin," he says encouragingly, and she stifles another smile. The only other word he'd said more than Hogwarts this summer was Slytherin.
"Slytherin?" one of the boys asks, speaking for the first time since Severus entered the compartment. The light one, she catalogues vaguely. He turns to the other boy with a smirk on his face, and he leans back in his chair indolently. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"
The other boy doesn't smile. In fact, he looks a little gloomy as he admits, "My whole family has been in Slytherin." Severus perks up a little, and eyes the boy with interest, but neither of them notice.
"Blimey, and I thought you seemed alright!" the boy says, which finally brings a smile on the other boy's face.
"Maybe I'll break tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?" Lily distantly notices that she has been leaning in slightly, and so is Sirius. The boys have caught their attention.
The boy lifts an invisible sword, preening. "Gryffindor, where the brave dwell at heart! Like my dad."
Severus meets Lily's eyes and scoffs. The boy immediately turns on him, his eyes narrowing. "Got a problem with that?"
"No." Severus smiles meanly, and Lily knows he is gearing up for a battle. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy—"
"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" the second boy cuts him off, and the first guffaws. Lily straightens herself and glares at them.
"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment," she says as she takes his arm. She thinks she hears a little bit of her mother in her voice.
They grab their bags and start to push outside the compartment. She can hear their faint voices, mimicking hers, as they leave, and the furrow between her brows deepens. Ten minutes in and she has already alienated two of her class. She hopes that the rest of her interactions don't go this badly. Then, a parting remark: "See ya, Snivellus!"
The rest of the ride passes in relative silence; they find another compartment with some girls who pay them no mind. Lily watches the landscape go by in silence. When they reach the lake, she is awed by the candles and the boats that ride the waves, well, magically. And not even her wildest fantasies could have created the Great Hall, the floating candles, the laughing chatter of people, the glittering ceiling. Her eyes rove over the constellations, and she faintly hears Petunia's voice—Ursa major, Sagittarius, Cassiopeia. The rest of the kids don't even look up. She wonders how they can be used to this, how they can let this kind of magic fade. She wonders if she'll let it fade.
They line up, and name by name is finally called until she's up there and the hat droops over her, covering her eyes. She can feel the presence of the hat, on the edge of her mind, and she shudders for a moment, to feel another consciousness pressed up against hers. She can feel it smile, for a second, before it bellows: "GRYFFINDOR!"
Lily freezes. For a moment, she wants to say, "Wait! You didn't say Gryffindor, did you," but the woman pulls the hat off her head and pushes her gently back down the stairs. She heads to the children draped in red and gold, cheering and whooping for her, and briefly makes eye contact with Severus. He looks destroyed.
She makes her way over to an empty part of the bench, and the boy to her right moves to make room for her. She glances at him, and recognizes the boy from the train, the darker one, and vaguely remembers that his name was "Black, Sirius." He smiles at her, a little weakly, not as brave without his friend. She turns away.
The rest of the children are called. Severus goes to Slytherin, and Lily smiles sadly. The other boy from the train—"Potter, James"—joins them, as well as a handful of other girls and boys. A boy sits next to her and gives her a shy smile; she introduces herself and finds that his name is Remus. He has sandy hair, freckles, and a delicate nose. Something about him is distinctly beaten-puppy-like, like he's always waiting for the other hand to come down. But there's something else—a light in his eyes, a yearning. She decides she really likes him.
The food floats down, and she and Remus chat lightly over dinner. He asks her about a bit of magic and, on hearing that she's Muggleborn, excitedly informs her that he's a half-blood but was raised as a Muggle. They spend the entire dinner talking about just the ceiling of the Great Hall, and she finds she's surprised by how fast time has passed when dinner ends.
The prefects stand, and the first-years, along with herself, file obediently down the halls. Lily is awed not only by the magic, but also by the grandeur of the place. It feels positively sparking with energy. The prefect reminds them that the password is "Dragon Scale," and then they head inside.
There's a fire crackling already, and huge, overstuffed, red chairs. Everything in the common room is red and gold and dark brown, and there are Quidditch banners decorating the walls. In the center are a couple book bags strewn around, and there are older kids, fourth or fifth years, maybe, circled around the fireplace and catching up. The place is cozy and warm, and it almost feels like home. For the first time, Lily feels good about being in Gryffindor. Like she could belong here.
The girls begin dividing up into rooms, and, slightly unsure, Lily peeks into one of the rooms. Three girls are inside, laughing, and Lily's about to move on before she makes eye contact with one of the girls. The girl smiles invitingly. "Come in," she says cheerily, and angles her head towards one of the beds. "There's room for one more."
Lily dumps her stuff on the designated bed, and then sits down and joins their small circle. She finds out that their names are Mary MacDonald, Marlene McKinnon, and Alice Macmillan. Marlene is the brashest of them, all hair flips and secret smiles and dark knowledge. Alice is pretty and poised in a neatly pressed dress, the epitome of grace, but she gives a half-smile and makes a slightly-snarky comment about Dumbledore, and Lily decides she likes her. And Mary is all kindness with a soft smile and kind eyes for everybody. Lily settles in as they all talk about which classes they're excited for, and she feels a little smile cross her face.
Classes start, and Lily begins to get in a bit of a routine. A few weeks in, she notes that James and Sirius have brought two more into their fold—and one of them is Remus. The fourth is a earnest-looking boy with strawberry blonde hair. His name is Peter Pettigrew, and he seems nice, even if he is a bit of a pushover. They are loud—obnoxious, she thinks privately, but doesn't share, as Mary, Marlene, and Alice seem to not share her opinions—and eyes follow them no matter where they go. Marlene in particular has her eye on Sirius, Alice on James, and Mary on Remus. At one point, Alice had turned on Lily gleefully and said, "There's four of them, and four of us! Lily, if Peter—" and Lily had ran out of the room screaming. And thus all attempts to pair her with Peter ceased, thankfully.
One breakfast she plops down next to Remus, and he gives her a small smile as he butters his toast. "Morning, Lily," he greets her.
"'Lo, Remus," she says distractedly as she begins piling her plate with toast, eggs, bacon, and sausages.
Sirius, still looking a bit bleary next to Remus, eyes her. "No 'good morning' for me, Evans? I'm devastated," he says, clutching his heart.
Lily finishes spreading jam on her toast and then looks up at Sirius. "Sod off, Black," she says, smiling pleasantly at him. Although they had gotten off to a rocky start in the train, he is Remus's best friend, so Lily grudgingly dealt with his presence in the beginning, but she has begun to like him. He's harmless, she realizes. She likes his flirtation because she knows it means nothing, knows that he would like to go on a date with her about as much as he'd like to go on a date with Professor McGonagall, which, despite his vehement protests, is probably not very much. James, though—she scowls a little at the thought—had proven himself to be just as arrogant, if not more, as he was on the train. He was vain and obnoxious and probably truly believed that he was God's gift to women. The only thing she hated more than his constant hair-mussing was the fact that he was competing with her for best marks in their classes despite not putting in any effort at all. It was just unfair how he excelled in everything he did without even trying—
"You'll fall for me one day, Evans," he says, interrupting her train of thought. She turns a little red and Sirius's smirk gets even deeper. Lily inwardly rolls her eyes. As if. "But, because my dear, dear Pomona is expecting me, I will reluctantly leave our flirtation to be picked up at another time."
"That's Professor Sprout to you, Mr. Black," Sprout says as she passes by, not even batting an eyelash at Sirius's antics. Although only two months in, most of the professors—but not the girls yet—have gotten used to his over-the-top flirtation.
Sirius sighs dreamily as Sprout walks away. "Well, duty calls. Remus, Evans, I'll see you later."
Lily shares an amused glance with Remus, and he shrugs and stuffs the rest of his toast into his mouth. "Transfiguration?" he asks, his words a little bit garbled.
"Disgusting," she says, shaking her head. "Let's go."
Although Lily likes all three of the girls, Alice is the girl that she connects the most with. She doesn't provide the same intellectually stimulating conversation that Remus does, but she's witty, observant, and, as a Macmillan, extremely knowledgeable about Wizarding culture. She also is very curious about Muggle culture. Lily ends up striking a deal with her: she'll teach Alice about Muggle culture if Alice will teach her about Wizarding culture.
They spend days poring over books, learning about pureblood dating rules: "Do you really need an escort if you go out with another boy? That's, like, a throwback to the Victorian ages," Lily exclaims one day.
Alice makes an unsuccessful attempt to stifle her smile. "I dunno, that's just the way it is. We don't have to really worry about it now, at Hogwarts, 'cause it's expected that we're all hanging out together. But if it was summer, and I was at Florean's with, God forbid, Avery, then there would be talk. People would think that there was an understanding between us."
Lily shakes her head, and flips the page disgustedly. On the next page are diagrams showing acceptable lengths of skirts and heights of heels. "Ugh," Lily groans, pushing it away. Her head hurts just from the intricacy of it all. "Let's just look at magazines."
"Okay," Alice says a little too eagerly, and pulls out the newest Vogue issue. "That's fine with me."
They spend a few minutes silently flipping through the pages. "Alice," Lily ventures after a few minutes. Alice nods, her eyes still fixed on the page. "What's the whole deal with pureblood dating? Like, do you have to date another pureblood?"
Alice frowns and turns, giving all her attention to Lily. "What do you mean?"
"Well, like, you like James, right?" she asks. Alice nods. "Well, what would that mean in terms of marriage?"
Alice laughs. "I'm not going to marry James," she says.
Lily flushes. "He's just an example."
Alice nods, her eyes growing serious. "Well, our parents would have to meet first. And, well, Potter's not Sacred Twenty-Eight, but his mum was a Black, so I guess that'd be alright. And if they find him acceptable...and if his parents find me acceptable...well, then, it'd be encouraged, but it's still kind of up to us. So we'd probably meet each other, with chaperones, like maybe my family would go to his house or something. And then maybe we'd date, and if it got serious, we'd exchange gifts—cuff links for him, a necklace for me, probably—and then get married after we graduate. That's like the general timeline, anyway."
Lily bites her lip. She's almost afraid to ask the question. "And purebloods...have to date other purebloods?"
Alice hesitates. She's been trained, she knows how to read a room, how to pick up on hints and undertones and how to subtly weave through a conversation to make it go her way. She knows that she's treading around landmines here. "Well," she says slowly, biting her lip. "Not always. Some parents are more traditional than others, and only will consider purebloods. But, I mean, halfbloods wouldn't exist if there wasn't marriage between purebloods and Muggleborns or Muggles, so..."
"Yeah," Lily says, forcing a smile, because what she hears is more you'll never be good enough for anyone's son, and, well. It's been two months at Hogwarts, and while everyone in Gryffindor had been immediately accepting and welcoming, the people in Slytherin were another story. Severus—who has almost ceased being Sev in her mind—has taken to a couple of the other boys in his year. She doesn't know their names, but they have that same kind of presence that Sirius had on the carriage, that she now knows goes hand-in-hand with blood purity and aristocracy. They walk through the halls as if they own them, and based on how untouchable they seem, they might really own them. One of them has taken to hissing Mudblood at her back when she passes them, and if she had expected Severus to defend her, well, that expectation had died long ago. They study together, sometimes, in the dark corners of the library that nobody frequents, and she knows it is because he can't—doesn't want to be—associated with her. Sometimes she feels slightly resentful, but she pushes it down. This is Severus. This is the boy that introduced her to magic. She understands Slytherin is different, that the politics are different, and this is what he has to do to survive.
Besides her conflicting relationship, it has taught her things. She has learned that she is lesser, somehow, because she doesn't come from magic. Her magic is new, spontaneous, and it is unnatural. She feels sometimes like a monkey in a cage being applauded for performing tricks; the professors don't expect anything from her and so she throws herself in her studies, excels in Transfiguration and Charms, and makes Slughorn absolutely adore her. She knows the professors expect her to be lesser, and so she becomes greater. And she sees the surprise in their eyes, and is proud.
But still—the resentment. It's there.
Christmas nears, and the Gryffindor common room becomes chaotic, and Lily sits back to watch the mess unfold. She feels the sofa dip, and she turns to see Remus settling himself next to her. "Going home for Yule?"
She shakes her head, and wraps her arms around her knees. "Nah," she says tightly. "I think I'm gonna stick around, actually. You?"
He eyes her, clearly picking up on something wrong, but doesn't mention it. "I'm going home. Think my mum might actually kill me if I decided to stay." He nudges her knee with his. "You gonna be alright here alone?"
"No need to fear," Sirius says, dropping on the other side of her. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in as he grandly announces, "I will stay with you, Lily, despite the magnificent homecoming I would receive from my family, because I love you and I would never leave you out to dry, unlike this berk over here."
Remus and Lily roll their eyes in conjunction. "Great," Lily grumbles. "I might just head home after all."
"You're so feisty, and that's why I love you," Sirius says, bopping her on the nose. "So cute. Like a tiger. But—oi, James!"
James ambles over slowly. "'Lo, Remus, Sirius. Evans. What're you up to, collected like this?"
Lily turns to look at him, her face full of dislike. "I'm going to head up to my room. I'll see you before you leave, Remus."
As she heads up the stairs, she faintly hears James's bewildered voice as he says, "Did I say something wrong?"
And a smile crosses her voice as she hears Sirius's earnest one in return: "Nah, mate, think it was your ugly mug. Nothing you can really do about that, so—not the face, not the face!"
Yule comes and passes. She receives a book of poems from Remus, and she spends most of the holiday poring over that. From Sirius she gets candy. Mary sends her a scarf she had knitted herself, and from Marlene she receives a Wizarding telescope. Alice sends her a book on pureblood customs. Her parents send her some biscuits. And total radio silence from Petunia.
She sits with Sirius until she can't take it anymore, and then splits her time between her room and the library. She decides Sirius is alright; he's got his flaws, for sure, but he's definitely not all arrogance and good looks. There's a side to him that isn't all fun and games, and Lily—well, Lily finds herself interested in getting to know him for once.
The common room is too quiet, though, with none of the bustle and happiness from before, and even though she and Sirius are becoming friends, she's still quite relieved when the students return from break.
The rest of the school year passes by quite quickly. Lily finishes her classes with perfect marks, but so does James and, strangely, Sirius. A few other students in their year do as well—a boy from Slytherin named Octavian Greengrass and two girls from Ravenclaw, Bridget Boot and Allison Bones. Lily idly reminds herself to seek them out next year. They could make for good study partners. She had tried studying with Sirius once. He had left with still-smoking holes in his collar and ink stains all over his trousers and a determined resolution to never study with Lily again, despite her multiple apologies.
Before she even knows it, she's on the train again, but this time heading home. She and Alice had immediately grabbed an empty carriage while Marlene and Mary stopped to talk to some Hufflepuff boys they knew. Lily is about to sit down as Remus pops his head in. "Room for more?" he says, and Lily gives him a smile that dims as he pulls in Sirius, Peter, and James.
"Make yourself at home," Alice says lazily. She looks over at James, who is studying the ceiling of the compartment blankly. "Alright, Potter?"
He looks at her, startled, and then relaxes, an easy smile pulling over his face. "Yeah, sorry, was caught up in my head a little there. Got any fun summer plans?"
She lifts her shoulder. "None that you're invited to, anyways," she says, grinning.
Lily tunes out the rest of the conversation as Sirius comes to sit opposite her. She turns her attention on him, but he only gives her a tight smile and looks out the window. Curiosity sparked, she leans forward a little bit. "Ready to go home?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," he says grimly. "I gotta make sure Reg hasn't gone completely off the deep end, anyway, being alone with my mum and dad for that long."
Lily bumps his knee sympathetically. "I'm not really...ready to leave yet, either."
Sirius looks at her curiously. "But you didn't go home for Yule, either."
"I know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my family. I miss my mum and my dad. I'm just...I don't know. It's good here. I'm not sure I'm ready to return to reality." What she really isn't ready to return to is Petunia, but she doesn't mention that.
"Yeah," Sirius says gloomily. James and Alice continue to awkwardly flirt with each other, but the rest spend the train ride in silence.
When they reach the platform, Lily spies her mum and her dad in the crowd, and they envelop her in a huge hug. She really had missed them. It had been almost an entire year since she had seen them last. But still, her stomach churns a little when she realizes Petunia is missing. "Is Tuney at home?" she asks, her voice a lot more casual than she feels.
She sees the tightening in her mother's smile, and she understands. "No, she wasn't feeling well," her mum says, but Lily is perfectly capable of reading in between the lines. Petunia didn't want to be here.
That's fine. She'll just spend the summer with Severus. They have a lot of catching-up to do, anyways.
Her father wraps his arm around Lily's shoulders, and together they head back home.
The title is from Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Browning, which I believe encapsulates James and Lily's relationship. This is my first undertaking of a (multi-chapter) fanfic in years, so any criticism is welcome. This will follow Lily through her seven years at Hogwarts, so I'm in it for the long haul. Each chapter will probably be successively longer than the last, in the spirit of all seven-years-at-Hogwarts fanfics. My intent is to follow canon (I don't consider Pottermore canon) exactly, so if you find any discrepancies I would be much obliged.
My tumblr is cxrmacmclaggen if you wanted to communicate. Private messaging me on Fanfiction works as well, though I am less active here.
Also, creds to Colubrina for her idea about pureblood gift traditions! It's from her story "The Green Girl," which I highly recommend—it was the first HP fanfic I ever read.
Sonnet 43
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose.
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.