Time does not bring relief; you have all lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
-Edna St. Vincent Millay,
"Time Does Not Bring Relief"
A cool breeze wafted through the sun-heated air, brushing against trees and caused their limbs to quake. Many students were enjoying their first free weekend afternoon they'd had in months, final exams and the end-of-the-year workload being to blame. Now the term was nearly over, and the students would be returning home within the week.
Basking in the shade offered by one of the larger trees on the grounds, a fifth-year student laid in the grass. Her legs were stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankle, as she leaned back and supported her upper body with her elbows planted firmly on the ground behind her. Her head hung back, her face turned skyward; her eyes were closed and a wistful smile contorted her lips. The girl's caramel brown hair was tied back in a ponytail, the ends folding over her left shoulder and cascading down along her upper arm.
For the most part, she was secluded. The nearest person was far enough away so that their boisterous comment made to a companion was reduced to a loud mumble, followed by a bark of laughter. She preferred it that way. It wasn't that she hated people or that she didn't have any friends. She knew of a few people she'd consider her friends, but, at that moment, she needed the solitude.
Despite her serene expression, her thoughts were in turmoil. She was happy, that she couldn't deny, but she never expected to be. It wasn't that she was constantly depressed; she wasn't, but the cause of her happiness was what was causing her current dilemma. She was in love, an emotion she never thought to feel.
She was only sixteen years old; she shouldn't know what love feels like. The adults she knew would scold her in their lecturing way, saying she was too young. She needed time to allow herself to grow, they'd say. But she'd disagree. She knew it was love because she had never felt anything like it before.
At first she had berated herself, thinking she was foolish for even allowing such thoughts to enter her mind. As time went on, however, she began to fear that she was deranged to allowing such a boy—for he was no man, not yet—affect her in such a way. She had made personal vows to herself to never become like the others—those simpering, blind, and pathetic females that came before her in his trail of heartbreak. She said she'd guard her heart against him; never allow him to take it. She told herself it was a fling, never to result in anything significant.
She sighed, the wistful smile falling from her lips. Perhaps she was foolish, but if that was the cost of happiness she'd willingly pay in full. She liked feeling happy, like she had a purpose. Although she knew he didn't love her, he felt something for her. It was apparent in the way he looked at her, held her, kissed her . . . just spoke to her. She hoped for love, but she wouldn't hold her breath. Just a little affection from him would mollify her. After all, they were still a little young to do anything serious about their relationship.
Her eyes opened as her eyebrows formed a frown above them. Did she want more from him? She almost laughed at the thought. Indeed, she must be foolish to be thinking such notions. She'd said it herself that she wanted to finish her education and steady her life out before she focused on romance. This boy wasn't part of her plan, that was for sure; he had her thinking entirely the wrong things. Yes, she loved him, but she wasn't ready for anything more than that. She almost doubted she'd ever be.
She sat forward and crossed her legs pretzel-style. She brushed the stray dirt away from the pale skin covering her elbows and folded her arms into her lap. Her eyes roamed over the surrounding lands, appreciating what she beheld. It really was a gorgeous day—a day that was rapidly coming to an end, she noted solemnly as her eyes strayed westward. The sun would set within the hour and it wouldn't do to be caught in the chilly night air unaware. With a resigned sigh, the girl pushed herself up and began her slow journey back to the castle. There was a skip in her step, a lively extra step that she had never noticed before. A grin took over her face as warmth suffused her body. She felt alive! It felt good to be alive.
She allowed her fingers to lightly trail along the tops of the leaves of the bushes that lined a small portion of the Hogwarts exterior. She couldn't contain the lively tune that escaped her lips. Maybe she didn't have the greatest singing voice, but she didn't care; let those who are turned-off cover their ears! This was her moment of happiness; she intended to embrace it.
A nearby bush gave a slight shudder as she passed, some of its dried leaves falling to the ground beneath it. She pulled her hand back sharply and suppressed the small gasp that crawled up her throat. An airy giggle came from the leaves, followed by the deep timber of a male lightly laughing. The girl paused mid-stride and stared at the bush. It wasn't unusual for couples to be found out snogging behind the bushes that lined the castle walls, and normally she wouldn't have paid it any mind. However, there was something about that male voice that caught and stole her attention.
She remembered many afternoons spent with her current beau behind a similar bush not too much further down the pathway. A light grin flitted across her lips, but quickly disappeared as the airy chuckle came again. The bush gave another shudder before all was still again. Her curiosity unleashed, she took a step toward the bush, lightly stepping on the ground to prevent the couple in the bush from becoming alert of her presence.
Peering between the leaves, the bush was thin enough for her to make out the outline of two bodies tightly entwined. While a bit obscene, it was nothing less than she had expected. She took another step forward, as if getting closer would help her discern who was hiding behind the plant. Her heart caught as a lock of black curls came into her vision, and the voice she had heard earlier now had a face attached to it.
How could he?
Tears began to well up in her eyes as she watched the patches of skin and clothing move on the other side of the bush. Just as she'd figured out what she was feeling, he had to go and ruin it. It was hard enough for her to admit she had fallen so seriously and suddenly. Her heart couldn't take this torment.
She bent her head to prevent the onslaught of emotions. With a single finger, she wiped away the moisture that had managed to escape her eyelids. She couldn't think—didn't want to think. She knew she should move away from the bush, but her feet weren't cooperating with her brain. She wanted to yell and scream at the hidden couple, but she knew that would be unwise.
She spotted a rock sitting just beneath the outer edges of the bush's limbs. It was a decent-sized rock with smooth edges and spots dotting its gray surface. Without forming a thought to gainsay her emotions, she bent and reached for the rock. Standing straight, she glared at the couple behind the bush and chucked the rock at the castle wall. Before the rock could crash against the stone, she had taken off full-speed away from the hidden couple. She heard the startled gasps and the rustling of leaves, but kept going forward.
It was now a struggle to keep her emotions at bay. Now that she had created a leak in her defenses, they all wanted to spew out of that one little hole. Except, now that hole was growing larger by the second. With each step she took, even at her hasty speed, more tears threaten to spill out. Screams ached to be pushed through her throat, and her hands itched to hit something. Anything to give her that blissful release and to help her forget.
Up to her common room she ran, ignoring the startled looks from the fellow students she blindly bumped into. She passed through a ghost going up the stairs, but she wasn't aware that she had. Only two thoughts plagued her: "Find privacy," and "How could he?" When she finally had reached her common room, she hastily said the password—almost too quickly for the portrait to comprehend—and pushed passed before the entrance was completely revealed.
She noted that the common room was empty save for the stray student sitting alone in a dimmed corner. Their nose could've been stuck in a book, or they could have been watching her with avid interest, the girl neither knew nor cared. She took the shortest path across the common room to her dorm and slammed the door behind her.
How could he?
Her breathing rapid, she slowly inched away from the door. Her heavy feet plodded their way across the thick rug cover the deeply scarred wood flooring at the foot of the five beds located in the rectangular room. With each step she took, she imagined the sole of her shoe crushing the newest portion of her heart that had broken off and crumbled to the floor. By the time she made it to the window, she could no longer feel its life-giving beat.
Falling against the glass, her forehead landed with a thud! against the warm glass. Is this her punishment for trusting someone for once in her life? She'd never had a reason to trust, never felt safe enough—before two seconds ago. Now the moment had passed. How could she have been so foolish? She banged her forehead against the windowpane, inflicting pain where she shouldn't feel any just to feel alive again. It didn't work; she still felt cold numbness down to the deepest parts of her being.
She couldn't hold them back any longer; the tears slowly slipped out from the folds of her eyes. She closed her eyes to hide her shame, but she only forced three more tears to slide out. She was hurt, but she didn't want anyone else to know. She just didn't know how she would ever be able to hide this despair.
The pain of losing someone, of losing control of a situation she once thought she had power over—that pain was easy to disguise. The pain of shame and humiliation? It'd be written all over her face. She could never swallow the bitter pill of failure very easily, and she had failed in this endeavor. She had failed to guard herself against the evils of men and their special organs, even though the warning bells had been going off since the beginning. She knew what she was getting into before it began.
How had she not seen it coming?