AN: Hey guys, this is just a little something that I couldn't get out of my head. It's a bit rough around the edges since I'm not used to writing such emotional pieces. Any input you have would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, the title and the inspiration for the story came from the new Goo Goo Dolls song "So Alive". I highly recommend it!
Disclaimer: Suzanna Collins owns everything.
So Alive
The world was too much and Katniss was done with it. It was brutal and unfair and empty. Everything that made it beautiful was lost to fire and war. Prim - her smile, her compassion, her good heart - all destroyed in a moment. The flames had consumed her and continued to eat away at Katniss' mind. The final image of Prim reaching out to Katniss was seared into her eyelids and haunted her every time she closed her eyes. Even when she opened her eyes, Katniss was sure that Prim would still be there, blaming her for letting her die.
Prim wasn't the only one, but she was worst. Cinna, Finnick, Rue - they were all there, constantly whispering Katniss' failures to her over and over again. She tried to hide from them. She buried herself under blankets, hid in the back of closets and curled into corners, hoping their ghosts would finally pass her by but they remained.
Her mind was as scared as her body - blotchy and red where they had replaced her skin. It was strange, much of the sensation had been lost when they replaced her skin. The scar tissue was hard, but not like the knot on her wrist where Johanna had cut out her tracker. Still, it felt like someone else was touching her when Katniss hugged herself, making her jump and look for the intruder. Sometimes she would try to fight off the demon, and sometimes she just hoped they would end her quickly.
How was this life? How was this living?
It wasn't, but she didn't want to try. Trying meant embracing the pain and those moments were the hardest. She preferred the numb haze that fell over her like a shroud of comfort. Those days were the easiest and she would sit in her chair and stare out the window - alone with nothing but her own, blissfully silent thoughts.
Haymitch had come by a few times to visit her, but Katniss hadn't said anything to him. She hadn't said anything to anyone since her failed suicide attempts. Now she didn't even have the energy to try to take her own life. That took a strength and bravery that she didn't have anymore.
Her only companion was Greasy Sae. She came once a day to cook for Katniss. She would place the bowl close to her door, but most days Katniss couldn't bring herself to eat. The times she would eat were those when Sae got her to come to the kitchen, and the old woman would tell her news about the district. People were coming back and rebuilding. Sae's granddaughter was helping her out and the two were providing food for the workers in the afternoons. With the rations coming in from the new government, Sae had provisions to make hearty stews with real vegetables and beef.
Today, Katniss had made it to the kitchen with some coaxing from the old woman and she listened to the chatter. It took three attempts but Sae finally got Katniss to swallow a spoonful of stew. The effect was instantaneous. Katniss was transported to a small home perpetually covered with a layer of coal dust. It was lit by candlelight and smelt of herbs and goat cheese. Abruptly Katniss turned her head and looked into the corner, hoping to see Prim there, but she wasn't. Katniss wasn't at her home in the Seam, but the one in the Victory Village - too big and too empty.
Tears streamed down her face and Sae was at her side in an instant.
"There, there Katniss. Let it out. I didn't think that rabbit stew would set you off. It used to be your favorite." Sae said, holding the girl close. She didn't recoil from the tears and snot and smell that Katniss knew she exuded these days and she appreciated it. She had forgotten what it was like to have someone hold her. It was so comforting that she couldn't stop and she clung to the woman even as she wished her build was smaller and her voice lighter.
"Maybe I'll ask for some wild turkey tomorrow." Sae said, trying to sooth Katniss. "It's a good time of year for that."
It took a while for her words to seep in, and Sae was gone by the time they really pierced the fog of Katniss' mind, but it left her wondering - where was Sae getting rabbit and wild turkey?
All the foods that Sae cooked were her favorites: roasted turkey, rabbit stew, stuffed squirrel. Some of the recipes were ones that Sae wouldn't have known. They were filled with herbs and plants from the woods - all recently gathered - and served up with boiled katniss roots or bread and cheese.
This wasn't the only mystery in her life. Bit by bit Katniss found treasures around her house that hadn't been there before. Small gifts of berries in a bowl in her sitting room where she spent most of her days and her father's hunting jacket cleaned and conditioned, hung by the door with care. Her bow was freashly oiled as wrapped and her hunting knife was sharpened. Bit by bit her house was cleaned and she never saw her caretaker, but she knew who it was. It was hard not to. The meticulous, thoughtful nature of it screamed Gale and she didn't know how to deal with it.
Part of her missed him - missed him so much that the void he had left in her life was almost as painful as Prim's - and part of her hated him and wanted him to leave. Thinking of him always lead to thinking of Prim's death and the bomb that took her from Katniss. It hurt and she hated the pain so she also hated Gale. It was easier to hate him and to avoid thinking about him, but here he was inserting himself back into her life.
Sae didn't talk about him and Katniss didn't ask, but she saw the way Sae looked at her every time Katniss found one of Gale's small gestures. It was such a hopeful look, but Katniss didn't share her excitement. Every day, every gift made it harder for her to hide away in the numb miasma that Katniss had buried herself in. It made her feel and think and face things she wasn't ready to face - things she probably would never be able to face.
It wasn't until the small vase of primroses appeared in the kitchen one morning that Katniss lost it. She sprinted from the small home, running all the way to the woods. Her lungs burnt and her legs gave out from disuse multiple times, but she still moved forward. The fence was gone and there was nothing between her and the Meadow - a beautiful, flowering mass grave. She passed over it, fighting each and every ghost that threatened to drag her down with them. Her feet moved unconsciously until she reached her and Gale's spot.
The berry bushes were gone - pulled up and each root system was wrapped in burlap. Instead the hidden rock was surrounded by freshly planted primroses. They were in full bloom, their yellow flowers and delicate scent blocking out everything else.
Katniss fell into an exhausted heap by her stone, staring at the view across the woods. She was angry - angry and happy and thankful and bitter. Emotions whirled through her, making her dizzy and it was almost impossible to sit up. She felt the body next to her, sinking into his usual spot. Katniss didn't look at him, didn't speak to him, but she also didn't run. She didn't have the energy at the moment.
When Gale finally spoke, it wasn't words of comfort or repentance just a simple "It's getting late Katniss. We should probably head back."
Katniss. Not Catnip. It hurt, but it was also probably for the best. It would drawn him in closer to her bleeding heart and she couldn't take more damage today. Slowly she got up, and for the first time she looked at him. While she had withered, he had grown. His shoulders looked broader, his hands stronger - but his eyes were just like hers: weak and broken.
She didn't know how she had the energy, but she reached out and slapped him. His head whipped to the side and stayed there as she walked away and Katniss was glad that he didn't follow her home.
The next morning she saw the berry bushes planted in her small garden. A fresh vase of primroses were in her sitting room and the message was clear to her. "I am not going away." They said and Katniss didn't know if she was relieved or not.
Gale started coming by the house and letting her know he was there. He stopped sneaking around and she watched him as he diligently took care of her hunting supplies, made her food and cleaned her home.
She still refused to speak with him, and some days she refused to see him. She could tell this frustrated him more than anything. She was a pendulum swinging back and forth between too many emotions - despair, anger, bitterness - and none whatsoever. Gale knew what to do with her when she was raging at him, throwing things and hitting him - but when she went quiet was when he went mad.
It was a month after the woods. She was in her sitting room - had been for two days - in a daze. The world was turning slowly and her mind was lost in sound of bird's wings and Rue's melody. It was the closest she came these days to peacefulness. She didn't eat and had been able to block out Gale's presence until he forced himself into her little world. In one movement he had her over his shoulder and up the stairs. Once the reality of the situation set in she became a beast, clawing at his skin and cutting deep gashes along his shoulders, arms and neck. He didn't relent though and he tossed her in the shower.
He turned on the water and he said to her with a fire in his eyes that she hadn't seen in ages "Clean yourself up or I'm going to do it for you."
Katniss glared right back, but when she glanced at herself in the mirror over his shoulder she was shocked by what she saw. There was no girl, only a wild animal who had been cornered. Her hair was a matted mess, her bones were easily seen and her eyes were hollow and fearful. There was nothing human there.
"Get out." She hissed. They were hoarse from disuse and Katniss realized they were the first words she had said in almost six months but they were perfect. "Get OUT!" She said, her voice gaining strength. Gale threw his hands in the air and left, slamming the door on the way out.
She left the shower running, falling onto her bed in a wet heap. With the water drenching her skin, she could smell herself now, making her stench more potent. The sight of herself in the mirror haunted her until she finally got up, returning to the running water and washed herself.
Gale didn't say anything the next morning when he came by with rabbit and bread for breakfast and Katniss didn't either, but for the first time in months she felt more human and it was overwhelming.
Once the first angry words had spilled from her lips, they came easier. Her violent outbursts came with biting accusations and hurtful recriminations. Sometimes Gale would rage back, but most of the time he would take it. The worst was when he believed her. The slump of his shoulders would make her feel guilty and something inside of her would twist.
But he always came back. Every day.
She wondered if one day she would say something that would finally convince him that she didn't want him there - something that would finally put out the fire in his eyes. It never did though, she could diminish it yes, but it still burned like embers.
Katniss wondered how he did it. How he fought but then she remembered that this was Gale - he was born a rebel. He would never stop fighting, but she didn't understand what he was fighting for now.
"You have no right." She growled one day as Gale gently arranged the primroses in the vase. They were starting to wilt so she expected to see a brand new batch tomorrow morning when she woke up.
"It's all your fault."
Gale stared back at her angry and Katniss knew that today was one of the days that he would fight her. His words never struck home, always defending himself, telling her that he hadn't known. They were as empty as she was, so she let them slide off her.
"Your's too."
His words struck her so hard that she almost fell off the chair. "No."
"Yes." He pushed. "Do you know why she was out there in the first place? Not because Coin put her there just to punish you. Prim was there because she volunteered. She was there because she wanted to help you. You were the Mockingjay, the rebel leader, and that was your war. She was there to help your war effort anyway possible."
"I hated that war."
"She didn't' know that! You stopped talking to her. All you cared about was killing Snow and Peeta. You didn't even know that she spent most of her days eating with me and my family. You would run off during free time and she would come to find me. Prim was worried about you, about how the war was affecting you. You say she was your world, but you weren't there for her in the end. You didn't even know she was thinking about going out with medical crews! I tried to talk her out of it, but she was just like you - determined to have her way. She wanted you to notice her efforts, to look at her again the way you used to. I might have designed the bomb that Coin used, but you were the one that put her in harm's way."
Katniss backed up with every accusation, her time in District 13 replaying over and over in her mind. How she brushed Prim off, how she moved in with Johanna and spent her time training. How she hid for hours and hours and only came out for meals, barely listening when Prim would tell her about what was going on in the medical wing. Gale didn't stop there.
"And what's worse, you aren't even honoring her memory. You said yourself that you never wanted to become your mother, well guess what Katniss you have. You pulled yourself so far away from everyone that loves you that you have become a shell of yourself who can't even think about Prim without falling into a stupor. She wouldn't have wanted to see you like this.
"When you left for the Games she told me what you said to your mother. She was grateful you did because she was scared of that happening too. Not because she was worried about starving but she was scared that your mother wouldn't ever come back again. She hated seeing your mother like that as much as you did, not because she felt betrayed and hurt but because she genuinely wanted to see your mother happy and participating in life. That was just who Prim was. What you've become, this shell, is everything that Prim hated in the world."
Gale clenched his fists, opening and closing his mouth a few more times as he tried to think of more to say, but he had said it all. Every closeted fear that Katniss tried to bury, every transferred blame, every disillusioned view of the world rushed forward and she spiraled.
Katniss didn't remember making it to bed. She didn't remember changing or showering, but she was there, wide awake in her bed staring at the ceiling. Tears leaked from her eyes and the numbness gave way to pain.
Now she understood why she hadn't wanted to see Gale. It wasn't because he was the cause of Prim's death but because he was the bringer of truth. Gale never lied to her and this time she hadn't wanted to hear the truth.
She dreamt that night of Prim, burning and blaming her, then running to Gale. He scooped her up and the two stared back at Katniss, their eyes accusing as they stayed just out of her reach. A Mockingjay echoed in the background and the sound of wings haunted her when Katniss woke up. Whispering rhythmic beat intensified and she scrambled over to the window. Outside was a row of flowers, next to the now full berry bushes that Gale had transplanted. She half expected to see Gale with a shovel in his hand, but it was Peeta.
She watched him work from her window, open to let the summer breeze try to cool the sweltering heat of the house. Peeta saw her and smiled softly.
"I found them at the edge of the woods. They're primroses." He said, holding up a plant. "I thought we could plant them together."
She knew exactly what they were, perfect bouquets of them sat on her kitchen table every morning and large bushes of them surrounded her small sanctuary in the woods. Still she welcomed them - as if she could bring enough of them into her life it would return her sister to her.
Peeta stayed with Katniss that day. They planted the flowers and he stayed for lunch. Peeta's gentle words were like the coming of fall - a reprieve from the suffocating heat of Gale's truth. Peeta never pushed, never asked for more than she could handle and when she was ready to retreat for the day he let her.
Katniss had never been so glad to see Peeta than she was in that moment.
Gale still came by. He would drop off the food in the morning, but then he left. He mumbled something about needing to help more with the construction in town but they both knew it was because Peeta was there.
The two spent time together, often sitting quietly on the porch looking out at the primroses. Sometimes Peeta would busy himself with baking for cooking and Katniss would watch quietly from the entry way. It was peaceful and she didn't have to think about Gale's words. At night, when Peeta wasn't there, they would come flooding back to her and she wanted to cross the small courtyard in the Village and crawl into Peeta's bed to escape.
Her world fell back into silence and her thoughts back into nothingness. It took Peeta a while to notice, but Gale saw it immediately. The disgust that radiated from his face every morning was palpable, but Katniss didn't care. She only cared that she didn't have to face the pain of her failures anymore.
One morning, she came downstairs and Peeta was there, but the flowers were absent - so was the game needing to be skinned and cleaned. She looked confused but Peeta filled in the blanks.
"Gale didn't come by yet."
He didn't come before noon or after it. By evening, Peeta came out to the porch to collect her, and Katniss gave one last look to the path hoping Gale would come walking down it.
He didn't.
Days past and Gale's absence was palpable. Katniss found herself looking for him in every room, trying to catch a glimpse of him as he set out a small gift for her, but he and his kind gestures were both missing. Peeta spent more time at her house, even setting up his easel on the porch to paint just to keep her company. It was thoughtful but she found herself slipping more than ever into the space between thoughts and time - with or without Peeta - seemed to fall away.
And Peeta let it. He gave her gentle words and space to heal. He never wanted to cause her pain, so he let her run from it, hide in her shell so she would never feel again.
Sometimes Peeta pushed - just a bit - to get her to go to the market with him. Today she had felt like she could and they walked down the path to the new town. District 12 had been growing in leaps and bounds, tearing down what was left from the firebombing and resurrecting new structures. The town was still centered around a square but there already smaller shops and boroughs were popping up everywhere. Construction was still going on all over town, but most seemed to be centered on a larger building just to the north of the town center.
"You must be happy." Greasy Sae said, smiling at Katniss as she handed her a bowl of soup. She had a small restaurant in one of the side boroughs, but on Sundays Sae always had a stand in the market to sell her now famous stews
"Why?" Katniss asked and Sae seemed surprised by her genuine confusion.
"The hospital, it's almost done. Well the outside at least. Gale says they are going to name it after your sister. "
"A hospital?"
"Oh yes! And rumor has it that they are going to be sending proper doctors and equipment from the other districts once the construction is done. We're going to have a whole slew of new faces around here! Gale's been one busy bee since he came back."
Greasy Sae talked a bit more about the plans with Peeta, but Katniss had stopped listening. She had found it hard to look at anything besides the swirling broth of beef and potatoes in her bowl. Gale - her Gale - had built Prim a hospital and what had Katniss been doing?
Nothing. Just like she had all those months during the war.
Abruptly, Katniss stood up shocking both Sae and Peeta. Mumbling an apology she ran from the market towards the sounds of construction to the north.
It wasn't hard to find the building. It was bigger than any in the area - still small compared to ones she had seen in the other districts, but for what was left of the smallest district in Panem it was perfect. People were bustling about and it was hard, but her eyes found Gale sawing wood in the back.
Ignoring people's protest, Katniss walked through the construction site and up to Gale. She put both her hands down on either side of the saw, forcing him to stop. He looked at her with a reserved cautiousness.
"I want to help." She said.
Gale was skeptical, but he handed her the tool anyways. She worked that day until blisters formed on her palms and her arms felt like they were going to fall off. Her legs could barely carry her home, but Gale was there to support her all the way to her door.
"You coming back tomorrow?" He asked and when she nodded, he smiled. It was the first real smile she had seen from him since she had begged him to run away with her and she found herself giving him a shy one back.
The hospital - Primrose Hospital - was done before the first snow hit in early December. Katniss was proud of their work and how much she had contributed. She had gone every day and worked until she physically collapsed. It had done wonders for her body and now when she looked in the mirror she saw a person and not a wild animal.
It wasn't just the muscle tone and lack of protruding bones that made her appear more human, it was her eyes. Being around members of the community and doing something productive helped had helped her. She still missed Prim, but every single person had been damaged in the war but they were healing together. It reminded her of the times after mining accidents but on a much larger scale.
Now they had accomplished this - a tangible sign of hope - and the whole town was out to celebrate. The building, a mixture of white and blue - the color of Prim's eyes - was soon to be filled with doctors and state of the art technology, but for Katniss the real draw of the building was the beautiful mural that Peeta had worked on.
It had taken almost three months but Peeta had made a tribute to everyone who had died in the war. People had come and sat with him, describing in detail everyone they could remember who perished during the fire bombings. Prim was there of course, along with Cinna and Finnick and Rue, but there was also the whole Undersee family, the Mellarks and most of the merchants from town. The whole wall was covered and behind the check-in counter was a metal plaque with each and every one of their names.
Katniss ducked and weaved through the celebrating crowd feeling a bit overwhelmed. Her gaze swept over the crowd again, frustratingly looking for her quarry. Peeta she had found easily, having spent the whole night in front of his painting, but Gale had apparently disappeared.
She finally found him outside, sitting next to the door and sipping on his drink - real ale, courtesy of President Paylor. Katniss had to admit it did taste a lot better than the white liquor that Ripper used to sell.
She settled next to him, staring up at the stars. They were hard to see from town, but they were still there.
"Hey Katniss." He said, smiling smoothly at her. Katniss, still not Catnip. She didn't understand why that bothered her so much. They weren't the same people that they used to be, but the clear differentiation always caused a disconnect in her brain, like her name coming from his lips was a foreign language.
"I was looking for you."
"Sorry. Just needed some space to think."
Something in her stomach twisted. "About what?"
"The future. Paylor has offered me a job in her new security forces in District 2." He said simply and fear bubbled in her gut, twisting around her tongue and threatening to spill out of her. Gale had been her rock since coming back to District 12. He had fought for her, even when she was the one he was fighting against. Looking back on the few weeks Gale hadn't been there was terrifying. She had slipped so easily into depression without his spark. She was stable now, but sometimes she still tettered on the edge and Gale was always there to bring her back.
"So what are you going to do?"
Gale shrugged. "Not sure."
The world slanted around her ever so slightly. It wasn't a 'no'. The yellow light of the new street lamps looked like fire on the edge of her vision as she swallowed. "So you're leaving."
He looked at her sharply, studying her face. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No." She said. "Do you want to?"
"No." He echoed. "But with the hospital and so much of the construction around town is done, I'm not sure what is left for me here."
"I'm here." The words came out unbidden and so soft, that Katniss hadn't realized she had said them for a moment. It was the truth though. She was here, and wherever she was, that was where Gale was supposed to be. Always.
He had been such a constant presence in her life. They spent every day of the last three months together from dawn to dusk. Hunting in the mornings and building the hospital in the afternoons. After work they would either come to her house to eat with Haymitch and Peeta or go to Gale's family home to eat with Hazelle and the kids. It was hard to see where her life ended and his began.
"I know." He said. They echoed the ones she said to him so long ago, and just like then they felt awkward and unsatisfactory.
"Why can't that be enough?"
"I've always wanted more with you Katniss and that's the problem."
He looked at her then, and her tongue felt heavy in her mouth. Gale's grey eyes shown in the lamp light, glowing with expectation. He was so alive and she was still trying to get there. She had come so far, but what he wanted was something that she couldn't give yet.
"I'm sorry." She said, unable to hold his gaze.
He let out a sigh, leaning his head back against the wall. "Yeah, I know."
Gale didn't take the security job. Paylor offered him a few more times, but he turned down all of them. After the third time Paylor decided to put his talents to other uses - his and Katniss'. The new regime wanted a detailed map of the Districts and the surrounding areas, so they recruited them to be cartographers. This essentially amounted to Gale and Katniss exploring the woods farther than they had ever dared. The two had jumped at the chance and for two years they walked the woods, hunting and mapping the area until there was no area that they didn't know by heart.
The night was cool - much more comfortable than the day had been - and their fire had died out long ago, but Katniss didn't need the light to see by tonight. The full moon and vast sea of stars was enough on a night like this. Everything was awash in silver, even the lake they camped by was nothing by a reflection of the sky, making her feel like she could float away and be lost among the stars forever. Gale's arm tethered her to the world, as he always did in the years after the war.
They had found this lake last year. It was a ten day hike directly south of the district, and as soon as they found it, the two hunters had fallen in love. As they continued their explorations of the area, they always made sure to stop by during their excursions. With a steep rock wall on one side and deep, crystal water it seemed like a private paradise made just for the two of them.
"Let's build a house." Gale said. His hand that had been drawing patterns on her hand stopped, squeezing her bicep gently.
Katniss shifted in his arms to look at him. "What?"
"Let's build a house. We're done with Paylor's job and we have nothing else lined up, so let's build a house here."
"Gale..." She started, but he cut her off.
"Just here me out." He said, sitting up. His grey eyes shown in the moonlight as he talked. "We'll build a cabin here. There's plenty of game, more than is by the districts, and we can come here in the summer and hunt. We'll save the pelts and sell them to District 8. The furs are a luxury item, so we'll make plenty of money and then we can stay in 12 the rest of the year living off the profits."
Looking at him, Katniss was struck with a sense of deja vu. Gale looked the same as he did the day she was reaped - hopeful and determined.
"Our cabin." She whispered, looking out over shinning water. "I like the sound of that."
Gale's hand reached out to hers. "I guess third time's the charm." He chuckled.
Katniss frowned, turning her hand so that their fingers intertwined. "What do you mean?"
"You and I kept on trying to run away to the woods, but we never seemed to make it. There were just too many things in the way."
Katniss nodded. The reapings, their families, the Capitol, the war. They had too many ties, too many obstacles. "There's nothing to stop us now."
"No, there isn't." Gale said and she could see the smile on his face. It was the smile he saved for her and the woods. She half expected him to scoop her up and twirl her around like he had in her father's cabin outside of 12. That had been the first time Gale had told her that he loved her.
She hadn't seen it coming then, but she should have. It had been in everything he did, coloring his words and actions. During the war it had been suffocating, a feeling that she couldn't comprehend let alone share. He hadn't pushed for a relationship after the night of the hospital gala. They had both made their expectations clear and he had respected her boundaries but somewhere along the way 'her future' had become 'their future', 'her life' had become 'their life' and 'her home' had become 'their home'. Katniss couldn't put a finger on when it happened, only that it had.
"You know people are going to talk if we move off into the woods together." Gale said, his smile shifting into a sly grin.
"They already do." She grinned back. "Besides, most of the rumors are right."
"I don't know what rumors you're listening to but..." He trailed off. Whatever witty retort he had lined up for her was lost as he looked into her eyes. He always knew what she was thinking, saying he could read her expressions like words on a page. She could see the way his grey eyes darted across her face now and she hoped he was right. She could say the words - three little words - that would remove any confusion but those particular words seemed to catch in her throat, making it impossible to say anything at all.
Slowly the smile returned, beaming and bright, followed by a laugh and a hug and a kiss. It wasn't like the kisses they had shared before - tasting of tears and desperation. This was sweet and gentle and patient. They had no reason to rush and no reason to hide.
"Oh Catnip." Gale whispered between kisses and her heart clenched at the endearment. She hadn't heard it in over three years and she had missed it. Warmth blossomed in her and she hungered for more - more words, more promises, more him.
"Say it again." She gasped, pulling back from him.
"Catnip." He said, chasing her lips. She let him catch her, breathing in the life that he offered. Gale was alive - so very alive - and she was ready to be too.