A/N: Hey Guys! This is my first Fan-fic so please don't be too harsh(altough i do enjoy some criticism) I tried my best! This story has been in my head for the longest since I heard this song and I HAD to write it! Before or while reading this chapter i recommend listening to this song that is included here: Song for selena gomez: the way I loved you. I know some of you are like Selena gomez ahh! but really give it a shot it's not that bad.
Disclaimer: OH yeah, and I don't own twilight :/ but i do own this sharpie that can cross out SM's name and put mine in my set of books, 4 copies done milllions to go haha! see you at the bottom!
Bella's POV
I laid on my bed gripping the hole in my chest trying to stay intact, forcing my lungs to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. My chest heaved uncontrollably trying to keep up with my raspy breaths.
No wonder no one wanted me, I'm a complete mess.
First he leaves me and now Jacob won't talk to me for some reason. He's been distant with me since the movies and weeks have past and he's been ignoring all of my phone calls. I wonder why he hasn't answered me; obviously he had Billy lying to me about his sickness and now they won't even answer the phone. What had I said to him, that night at the movies? And then the answer hit me: he finally got the clue. That's why he's been ignoring me. Heck, he probably never wants to see me again. He must have registered all of my hints on his way home and realized that I would never be able to love him more than a friend and he saved himself the heartache-the waste of time.
My chest ached with a brand new pain; a second hole. The pain of it took my breath away and my heart started beating faster with double effort. Funny, how I could still hear my heart though I could never use it again. It felt like I should have been hollow by now.
Jacob can't leave me. I need him. Need him to be the medicine to my hole. Need him so that I could keep my promise to stay alive. But as much as I selfishly needed him, I couldn't blame him for not being here, for never wanting to see me.
But maybe, I tried to convince myself, maybe ….with time… I can learn to love him.
I knew it would never be the same love. That love could never be challenged or replaced, but it would be enough to make Jacob happy and to numb my pain. Would that be wrong, to let Jacob have his chance and be happy though I will never completely be?
Yes! That would be wrong, I scolded myself. It's not fair to Jacob.
My head spun in circles trying to figure out what the right thing was to do. I finally decided what to do.
Write a song.
No one knew that I wrote songs, not even Renee. It was a hobby I did to get my mind cleared and my emotions out and when Renee was out on her many dates I would sing them. I found that I had a talented voice, but why did I want anyone to know that when in the spot light I would be likely to fall on my face in a moment of klutziness?
I scrambled to look for a pencil in my drawer and when I retrieved one I reached underneath my mattress and took out my notebook full of songs. I touched the cover lightly with my fingertips remembering the hours I've spent writing songs on here. I haven't wrote any songs since I came to Forks and I wasn't about to let my secret be known by a certain pixy.
I flinched.
I closed my eyes shut and sighed.
Better get this over with before the pain starts.
I opened up my notebook until I discovered a fresh new page and started writing…
My pencil stopped moving at the final word. A few tears rolled down my face while I was writing and my hand was shaking slightly but this was necessary, and I can take pain; this is only scratching the surface. Finally I put my pencil down to take a look at my work.
The emotion from just reading this was immense, but I knew that if I wanted to know my decision for real, then I would have to sing it. The sense and emotions of my songs would always pour out true in my voice making sense as soon as I sang them. I looked at the clock and knew it was too late and it would probably wake Charlie. I would have to wait until tomorrow when Charlie was at work. I sighed at the great pain I would have to face this night for allowing myself to remember.
I lay awake in my bed knowing when exhaustion came I would not look forward to the images behind my eyes where I knew my night mares would begin.
I woke up at the sound of Charlie's cruiser exiting the driveway. I sat tense straight up in my bed for a minute listening for any sound just to be sure.
I made my bed quickly and even straightened up the pillows and cleaned my room a bit procrastinating a little. I went down stairs and grabbed an apple, not really in the mood to eat anything. I sat down on the table and chewed each bite of my apple slowly. I sighed when it was gone and got up and threw it away in the garbage can. I stood there for a minute knowing I couldn't put it off any longer.
I ran to the attic where I would find my object.
I opened up the stairs and climbed up. I was amazed to see that Charlie still kept most of my baby stuff here. I lightly stroked the edge of my crib with my fingers. There was a lot of dust everywhere. I checked underneath the white sheets finding numerous child hood memories but not what I was looking for. I put my hands on my hips and looked around. At the corner edge of the room, I saw something jutting out of the white sheet. I went over to investigate and found what I was looking for.
My mom's old guitar.
I remember her trying to learn how to play the guitar all by herself while Charlie was at work and when she still lived here. She had been trying to play me a lullaby on the guitar, but she eventually gave up on learning how to play.
Oh, Renee.
I took some courses online back in phoenix and knew how to play guitar pretty well. I wiped off some of the dust from the guitar and carefully took one step at a time downstairs not wanting to chance tripping over the steps and falling down on my face.
I carefully closed in the stairs to the attic and left the string hanging down. I went over to my bed an sat down crossing my legs. I put my notebook down in front of me while I tuned the guitar.
When it was set, I took in a deep breath, and started playing…
Everything's cool, yeah
It's all gonna be okay, yeah
And I know,
Maybe I'll leave and
laugh about it someday
But not today, no
Cause I don't feel so good
I'm tangled up inside
My heart is on my sleeve
Tomorrow is a mystery to me
(Chorus)
And it might be wonderful
It might be magical
It might be everything I've waited for,
A miracle
Oh, but even if I fall in love again
with someone new
It could never be the way I loved you
Letting you go is
making me feel so cold, yeah
And I've been trying to make
believe it doesn't hurt
But that makes it worse, yeah
See, I'm a wreck inside
My tongue is tied and my
whole body feels so weak
The future may be all I really need
(Chorus)
And it might be wonderful, yeah
It might be magical, uh oh
It might be everything I've waited for,
A miracle
Oh, but even if I fall in love again
with someone else
It could never be the way I loved you
Like a first love,
the one and only true love
wasn't it written all over my face, yeah
I loved you like you loved me (oh)
Like something pure and holy
Like something that can never be replaced
And it was be wonderful,
It was magical,
It was everything I've waited for,
A miracle
And if I should ever fall in love again
with someone new
Oh, It could never be the way
No, It will never be the way
I loved you
My fingers ached as I strung the last chord which hung in the background along with the silence. Other than the silence I heard a choking sound coming from somewhere and when the pain came I noticed the sound came from me. The guitar dropped from my frozen hands and fell to the floor with a thud.
I knew the pain had to come sometime for allowing myself to remember, but I had to know and now I did.
Edward, Edward, Edward….
There would never be anybody else other than Edward. He will always be my only love and my heart beats only for him. I hadn't noticed I was already curled into a ball and my fingers were clutching my chest.
I had to say just one thing before I sank into deeper pain and I was too unconscious to think clearly. "Edward, I love you, it would always be you...only you" I choked out through my sobs.
It all happened instantaneously then.
I felt the cold air from outside come into my room in a harsh breeze. I shivered out of instinct, but then I realized the wind was not why I was so cold.
There was two strong arms holding me together and pulling me into their lap and I heard broken sobs come from somewhere.
"I'm so sorry Bella" he whispered through his own tearless sobs.
Oh my god.
"Edward?"
A/N: Tuun-tun- tunnnn! hehe sorta cliffy and I'm not sure if i should just continue the story with one more chapter in Bella's pov, or do Edwards pov and continue this story...sooomeehow. Let me know in the reviews guys! Reviews are awesome :) Hit the button now.. you know you wanna^.^