Disclaimer: Disney owns Star Wars, but they owe me a ride in the Millennium Falcon for killing off Han Solo. If I owned it, Han would still be alive today. Also, SPOILER ALERT for those who have not seen the end of Star Wars Rebels, or the film The Force Awakens. You have been warned.
Across the Stars Alphabet Acrostic:
A is for Ahsoka Tano,
and her mourners across the galaxy,
who wonder when the kriffing directors
will confirm whether she's dead or not.
B is for Ben Solo;
my name is Rabid Fan #1,706,325.
You killed your father...
prepare to die.
C is for Chosen One;
So who is it, George and J.J., really?
Who is the One
who will finally
bring balance to the Force
(we've been through Anakin and Luke already,
now the newest contenders are
Finn and Ben Solo and Rey).
D is for Death Stars;
We already destroyed the first two,
and now there's an even bigger one
the size of a planet. Wth.
E is for Ezra Bridger,
who now has a Sith holocron from Malachor.
Dark side or light side,
Will he, or won't he?
F is for The Force Awakens...
in who though?
Was the Force dead?
Or was it simply suppressed inside one of our main characters?
G is for "Gee whiz, why'd you have to throw Captain Phasma in the trash compactor?"
What a waste of a perfectly good character,
she's awesome!
H is for Han Solo,
our beloved smuggler.
RIP.
We will all fondly remember,
and take our revenge.
I is for "I love all main character ships in Episode VII".
Kylux is interesting and is what could happen,
Stormpilot is inviting and could also happen,
Reylo is intriguing and is what I want to happen,
FinnRey is inevitable and is what will probably happen in reality, from the movie hints.
J is for Jakku,
and whoever the dumb*** was who abandoned Rey there.
K is for Kanan Jarrus,
and his recent bout with blindness.
How will he survive in the Rebellion?
L is for Luke and Leia Skywalker;
Why can't Leia find Luke through their "brother-sister" Force bond (shown in Episodes V and VI)?
The biggie, why did Luke go into exile?
M is for Malachor,
I see you, EU reference!
(can we bring in Revan too,
while we're at it?)
N is for 'never-ending';
which pretty much
equals this franchise.
O is for Occlumency,
which Rey really needs to learn
if she's near Ben Solo again.
P is for Poe Dameron!
That sexy pilot
whose actor said
he put romance in virtually every line.
Bromancer!
Q is for Queen Padme Amidala,
(I know she's not alive or Queen anymore, but humor me, I needed a Q).
The poor dear really didn't gain the lottery,
especially with her husband.
Now her daughter is stuck with separation in her marriage,
her son just leaves everybody for some reason,
and she has a moody, runaway killer for a grandson.
R is for Rey;
who the heck is she,
and why is she so good at everything?!
S is for Skywalker,
the infamous family name;
who is the next family legacy?
T is for Takodana,
the planet where the very convenient bar/home of Maz Kanata exists,
who very conveniently is 1000 years old and Force-Sensitive,
very conveniently has Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber in an unlocked box,
and very conveniently won't answer any questions.
U is for Unkar Plutt,
the ugly neglectful junkboss,
who is apparently left in charge
of Rey's upbringing
(seriously, whose brilliant idea was this?).
V is for Vader's helmet;
and the disturbing idea of Ben's fetish for it.
W is for Wookie,
of course.
Who doesn't love ol' Chewie?
X is for X-wings,
which are still around after 38 years!
Woo-hoo, I wanna fly one!
Y is for "Yes, R2-D2,
you just got displaced as the cutest droid in Star Wars history,
by none other than BB-8".
Z is for Zabrak,
as in Darth Maul.
Is Darth Maul still alive,
because he's suffered numerous injuries
(like being cut in half,
stabbed by Darth Sidious,
and now survived the Sith Temple explosion on Malachor)
and is really old?