Two Halves of Everything

Summary: Peter knows he should let go of one of them, but he can't. OneShot, companion to "I just wanted to believe".

Warning: Experiment of mine featuring parallel verses.

Set: Mid-Season 3.

Disclaimer: No copyright inFringement intended.

A/N: I spent two months at the end of the world (or rather: on top of the end of the world) and had the extreme luck German TV broadcasted the second half of season 3 during my time there (of course I was lucky there was a TV and I could watch it, as well). I developed my usual craziness while watching, which means I wrote a story for almost every episode I watched. Which resulted in five one shots and one multichaptered fic… All of which I'll post during the next months. Since season 4 already seems to have started in the US, I'm far behind, as always, but I hope the little glimpses backward will be entertaining nevertheless.

In his dream, Olivia cries.
She is small, a mere child, pale and blond and lost in the endlessness of his dream landscape. He cannot see her weep because her hands are hiding her face. But he sees her shoulders shaking as sobs rack her body.

In his dream, Olivia smiles.
She is tall and blond, a proud woman completely at home in her surroundings. He does not know why she smiles because he missed the last part of their conversation, and her eyes don't give anything away. But he sees her shaking her head and her beautiful hair dances.

She cries because of him.
She smiles only at him.

And Peter knows he should let go of one of them, but he can't.

…

Two years.
Two years he has known her, and for two years something has been growing between them he wouldn't have been able to define until the day the other Olivia attacked Charlie and said the words. For two years, they have worked side by side. He has gotten to know all her good sides, all her strengths and her faults, her pride and her fears and her refusal to give up. She has left her impressions on him: her determination brought him back from Iraq, her loyalty unearthed his own sense of responsibility and her vulnerability sparked his will to protect her against no matter what was to come. While he, at the same time, always knew she needed no protection. She was strong enough to protect herself. For that reason, she broke.

Two months.
For two months he has known her, and for two months something has been growing between them he would never be able to define except for the fact that he never, ever wants to let go of her. For two months they have worked side by side. And he has discovered so many new sides to her, sides he believes he has awakened. She has left her impressions on him: the way her body moves on his, the way her hands dance through his hair and ghost over his skin. And the way she looks at him and at him only. While he, at the same time, always knew she would never give herself away like that. She was too strong to rely on him. For that reason, she broke.

She tells the truth. I don't want you anymore.
She lies. But it became more.

If he only knew what he was really feeling towards both, then, maybe, he could decide for one of them. But they are his heart, his soul, two halves of his Everything. Which one is he supposed to stop loving when both of them are ingrained into his being so deeply he cannot say where one begins and the other ends? Because, despite everything, they are so similar.

…

Olivia is proud.
You can wind her up, turn her around, chew her through and spit her out and she will still stare into your face directly and defiantly. She has a soft heart and a beautiful smile, the more precious because it is so rare. Her courage is amazing. But she bottles up things, refuses to let anyone help her, trying to get through whatever it is all by herself. It is like she never learned to rely on other people and regarding of what Peter knows about her life it is only understandable. She is short-tempered, impatient and tight-lipped. She is beautiful, and he loves her.

Olivia is bright.
You can wind her up, turn her around, chew her through and spit her out and she will still burn with the fiery glow that blinds you and anyone else. She has a contagious laugh and a beautiful smile, the more precious because it lights up the day. Her determination is admirable. But she bottles up things, refuses to tell anyone of her time Over There, trying to keep things to herself in order to go on with her own scheme. It is like she refuses to confide in him completely and considering what Peter knows about her now everything becomes clear. She is a lying, spying, double-crossing agent. She is so much more, and he loves her.

Her smile when she saw him again for the first time was blinding.
Her sneer when she saw him for the last time was painful.

Peter thinks he probably is the first man alive ever to be caught between two versions of the same woman, really, but he is also the first man raised in another universe. Too many firsts, in his opinion. What the hell is he supposed to do? He cannot just switch on his feelings for Olivia and off for Olivia. He does not want to.

He wants her back.

…

(Which one?)

Olivia. A whispering well of secrets but in love with him.
Olivia. Clear and straightforward as a truck and in love with him.

He catches himself looking at one and thinking of the other, and he hasn't even got the strength left to despise himself for it. He just feels longing.

And shame.

Two halves of Everything.