Chapter one: In which there are too many curse words and the Dursley's get their due.
Harry Potter was not happy. Not. At. All. You see, his parents were just killed, again, and, again, he was dropped off at the fucking Dursley's. THE MOTHERFUCKING DURSLEY'S! Harry wondered how the hell Dumbledore could so royally fuck it all up again! At the very least, he had managed to place a sort of calming spell on Sirius's mind and directions to number 4 privet drive. Unless Dumbledore completely fucked up on that front again Harry should be in Majorca by the end of the week. Sadly, Dumbles did fuck it up and Sirius was thrown in Azkaban, Harry wondered why this life in particular always sucked. I mean he had been kings, knights, pharaohs, emperors, in fact he died having a heart attack in the middle of sex with his massive harem in the Egyptian empire, hey, who can blame him, those women needed love, but in every life his luck was either relatively tame or it was fucking marvelous! But nooooo. Fate decided to fuck with Harry so his luck was abysmal in this one life. And lo and behold there, walking down the front steps, was the proof.
Petunia Dursley was unhappy about being woken up at one in the morning, but the doorbell just wouldn't stop ringing, so she got up and went to see what was happening. As Petunia opened the door she looked around before her eyes finally fell on the bundle of cloth at her doorstep. She quickly recognized a baby Harry Potter from the one letter she had opened from her sister. Immediately it dawned on her that her Sister was finally dead! Oh how joyous! The wicked witch was dead! Petunia was about to start dancing when she remembered that she was a prim and proper housewife and would not be caught dead dancing on her front porch. She grabbed baby Harry before taking him into the house. As she shut the door and looked down she gazed into the eyes of Harry and realized that the baby had been silent the entire time, from her experience with Dudley she knew that this was not normal and chalked it up to the bastard's parents. However, as she looked into the eyes of the child she saw a hatred that should have been impossible for such a small thing to muster.
'Don't ever think of me as small you pathetic wench!" Petunia reeled as if struck, looking down at the child she wondered out loud.
"Did he just speak?" Dread dripping in her voice, Petunia looked down and noticed what would have been a malicious grin if it were not on a baby's face.
'No, in reality I'm the ghost of Freddy Mercury and I have come to tell you that your husband is bent! Of course it's fucking me you mentally handicapped, socially inept, horribly disfigured, no good piece of shit, excuse for humanity!' Petunia screamed and dropped Harry before jumping towards the stairs.
'Oh look at that, YOU CAN'T EVEN HOLD A BABY RIGHT! How are you even a functioning member of society!?' As Harry ranted Vernon came down the stairs and witnessed a floating baby tearing his wife a new one. Vernon collected himself and began to speak when the floating baby zoomed in front of him and began shouting at him.
'You! I know what you plan on doing and so help me Merlin, if you even open that cupboard door while I'm around I will slowly tear off your testicles before making you eat, then shit them, all within a minute! I'm taking the guest room and I expect a bottle of milk promptly at 8! Good night, actually have a horrible night!' With those parting remarks baby Harry zoomed off towards the guest room and promptly slammed the door behind him. As soon as he was out of site both Petunia and Vernon fainted.
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7 o'clock the next day both Vernon and Petunia groaned as they woke up at the bottom of the stairs.
"What happened last night Pet?" Vernon asked, rubbing his head.
"I-I-I don't rightly know, one moment I was opening the front door and then I saw my sister's baby… OH MY LORD! WE WERE THREATENED BY A ONE YEAR OLD!" Petunia screamed before fainting yet again. Vernon paled considerably, however he shook Petunia awake and then went to check on the guest room. As he walked in nothing seemed out of the ordinary. After closer inspection though, Vernon found their little… 'Guest' floating around the ceiling. Vernon grabbed the door in an attempt to steady himself before he whispered in and urgent voice.
"Petunia! Get over here now…" Petunia walked in, having just calmed herself down, and saw the baby floating on the ceiling. She shook for a second, screamed, and then fainted yet again. Vernon attempted to remove Harry, but Harry had awoken and Vernon looked like a walrus trying to escape discreetly from an aquarium. It was funny to harry for about .5 seconds before he floated Vernon to eye level.
'You seem to be under the impression that you still have any power in this house, I'll make this clear. Imagine your worst nightmare, ok, now multiply that by a hundred, you still with me? Ok now take that and times it by the power of 1000 and that is a fraction of the horrors I can inflict upon you! I have lived countless lives, done countless things, and over all of them I have gained hundreds of thousands of ways of torturing, maiming, or just outright killing someone, so try your luck, I dare you.'
Vernon slowly nodded his head in acceptance before scrambling out of the room with Petunia to get that bloody milk. Vernon may not be the smartest guy in the world, but he knew when a floating, talking, death baby threatened you, you got your ass into motion.
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Harry watched the retreating back of his Uncle before mentally giving himself a gold star for not maiming them horrifically as soon as Petunia had opened the door. Harry slowly spun around the room as he changed things to his liking before he sat on the bed and thought of what he was going to have to do. He looked at his tiny palms and remembered that while he didn't have enough power as a baby to do anything spectacularly over the top he could at least send Sirius some proper food, that way when Harry did get him out he wouldn't look like something the cat dragged in. Harry mentally 'ba-dum-tsh'ed his crappy joke before he began contemplating how he was going to do things this go around.
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Vernon slowly walked back into the room with a bottle of milk and handed it to Harry before he quickly left the room. As he was leaving however he looked back and seeing a baby sitting behind a desk while slowly nursing a bottle of milk like a glass of brandy made Vernon realize that his entire life had just changed.
A/N: YOLO! (But not for harry, wink wink!) So, how goes it peeps. It has been forever since I posted a story, and for anybody who is looking at this story and wondering when I'm making the next chapter of the imperial, I'm sorry to say that I'm not sorry and that I realized that story kind of sucked. I might do a rewrite in the future, but for now this is my lovechild with J.K. "Severus and Dumbles are fucking each other" Rowling. Anyway here is a quick backstory with this one, Harry is the Master of Death, and he has essentially been reborn hundreds of times. Harry is OP as fuck, no doubt about it, but this isn't a Sirius story either, so it kind of balances. So anyway, Dumbles, Ron, molly, Snape, and Ginny bashing, I have slowly read more and more fanfiction that has turned me almost completely against Dumbles, but he isn't evil in this fic just slightly senile. So that is the basic gist of this, I plan on making more chapters but if this does completely and utterly flop I'll probably just continue on with sweet, sweet, head cannon. However, if you do want to see where I go with this then leave a review and tell me what you think. Know this! There will almost definitely be no lemons, there will be slight relationships but that won't be the focus, but lemons are a no-no. I tried my hands at lemons once and I'm pretty sure I gave at least a couple hundred people nightmares with that one. If someone wants to write a lemon and let me post it with this story then that might work, but unless my review whore nature rears its ugly head I most likely will not do lemons. Anyway, if you have questions then message me, PEACE OUT!