Family Guy: Revenge of the Meg
Based on the TV Show and Characters created and developed by Seth McFarlane and David Zuckerman
Teleplay by TheTexasPowerhouse
Fan Fiction Rating: M
CONTENT WARNING
Sustained Sequences of Violence
Strong Language
Some Sexual Situations & Humor
Irreverent & Crass Humor
Preface
This is going to be a lengthy preface, so bear with me, please. The show hit its peak when I was in college. I was taken in by the show's willingness to stretch boundaries and retain a true cartoon-like finesse. However, when the character Peter became more demonic, asinine and narcissistic, I disliked it more and more until at last, I said, "Enough!"
I was a fan of the show when I initially wrote this story that you're about to read. It was actually my first story to incorporate my characters, "The Texas Powerhouse" and "Milady", before I found the concept for my Futurama Texas Powerhouse Trilogy. But, when I saw a very recent episode in which Peter just basically tells the audience to F-off after degrading Meg and another girl, I said "Oh, Forget this." I decided that I couldn't stand the show anymore and I completely destroyed my first draft of "Revenge of the Meg".
Unfortunately, several years later, the sequences that I wrote of this story remained fused in my mind, like a fiery memory that will not settle into the back door of my memory. I guess it won't cease until I finally get it off my chest and written for . So, here I am with my, I guess I'll call it "Ex-Fan Fiction" of Family Guy's "Revenge of the Meg".
Now that my back-story is done, here's what to expect in this story: I wrote this as if it is an hour-long episode of Family Guy in the real-time style of the crime-thriller "24", one hour of real-time action fused with some of the comedic styles of Family Guy. There will be split-screens & multiple angles, and action throughout, and the infamous ticking clock seen throughout the mayhem and laughs. There will also be a list of songs in the soundtrack that enhance the experience of this read. See if you can hear the music as you read the action; it might make it more thrilling for you. I will treat the characters as true to their colors as I can….that's what a writer is supposed to do. Whether you still like the show or a former fan like me, I hope you get a good thrill, and laugh, out of this. Read on and I hope it's worthwhile for you.
[Black. We see ticking digits increasingly flashing faster, accompanied by eerie pulsing music. Suddenly, the flashes give way to the two digits showing "FG". The eerie music stops. Then, the "FG" disappears.]
[BOOM! With a dramatic, techno-based thud, the camera slowly fades from black to a black and white picture of the Griffin house. A white subtitle that reads, "16 years ago", fades into view and then fades away.]
[Inside the living room of the Griffin household, we see Peter, in his typical white shirt, green pants, long 70's hair and goatee, sitting on the couch and holding his young, one-year old daughter Meg, who's in her pink pajamas, and pink bow.]
Peter: Hey, beautiful. How are we today? Are we cute and cuddly? Are we tired and cranky? Or are we just cute? Eh, I think it's the latter.
[Meg giggles. Peter laughs back.]
Peter: Aw, Meg you're so full of life and spirit, just like your mother.
Meg: Do-do.
[Peter gasps in delight at the sound of his daughter's first word.]
Peter: Oh! Oh, my God! OH…MY…GOD! Meg just said her first words.
[Peter pauses to laugh at the word.]
Peter: (laughing) Do-do. Aw, Lois is going to laugh.
Meg: Ma-ma!
[Peter gasps even more.]
Peter: OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD! Lois is gonna freakin' scream when she hears this! Our little girl can talk! YES! YES! YES! Hey, Meg, can you say "Da-da".
Meg: Do-do!
Peter: No, no, no, angel. I'm not crap. I'm Da-da.
Meg: Do-do.
Peter: No, Da-da.
[As Meg continues to get the name incorrect, the more resentful and loud Peter becomes.]
Meg: Do-do.
Peter: Da-da.
Meg: Do-do.
Peter: Da-da!
Meg: Do-do.
Peter: Da-da!
Meg: Do-do.
Peter: DAH-DAH!
[Suddenly, Meg starts crying, which makes Peter set down Meg on the couch and scooch over to the other corner of the couch, crying like his daughter. The door opens as Lois, in her typical wardrobe with slightly longer hair and a hippie's head band, carrying groceries, enters. She sees the sight, instantly shuts the door with her leg, sets down the groceries, and goes to comfort Meg by picking her up and rocking her with her arms. Peter slowly restrains his crying while this is happening.]
Lois: Oh, no. My baby! My baby! Come here, Meg. Come here, baby. I gotcha, baby. I gotcha. Mommy's here. I'm here. Shh, shh, shh. Shhhhh….
[With Meg still in her arms, Lois suddenly turns to Peter, angry and militant.]
Lois: PETER, WHAT THE HELL?!
Peter: She was being mean to me! WAH!
Lois: What?! Meg was mean?
Peter: SHE CALLED ME "POOP-IE"! WAH!
Lois: Oh, come off it, Peter! Grow up and be the man here!
Peter: NO! I DON'T WANNA!
Lois: Kiss your daughter and make up this instant!
Peter: NO! The only way I will ever kiss and make up to my daughter is if she farts so hard in my face that she knocks me out cold!
[FLASH! FLASH! FLASH! With three camera flashes, the camera zooms in on Peter with every flash. Suddenly, a WHOOSH sound cuts the image away. END OF PROLOGUE.]
[Act I – We hear eerie, terrifying music as we see the text reading "The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. in Quahog, Rhode Island." We hear the voice of Kiefer Sutherland reading it.]
Kiefer: (narrating) The following takes place between 5 P.M. and 6 P.M. in Quahog, Rhode Island.
[The text fades away to black. Then, another text reading, "Events occur in real time" fades in. Stewie Griffin narrates.]
Stewie: (narrating, seductively) Events occur in real time, baby.
[The text fades away to black.]
[BOOM! A soft, techno BOOM sound opens our first widescreen shot of Quahog High School from above, in color. As the episode progresses, the opening credits begin. However, the credits don't show the writer's or director's credits.]
[BOOM! Another soft, techno BOOM sound leads to two shots: a tall shot on the left of the American flag flapping gently in the wind, and the other a small widescreen shot of the double front doors, zooming gently in.]
[BOOM! The techno boom leads to a small widescreen shot of two pairs of tennis shoes on two teenage girls walking down the hallway. One pair is thin pink flats and the other is white tennis shoes. BOOM! A mid-left tall shot shows the front of these teenage girls. The one on the left, Heidi, is wearing a blue shirt and matching knee-long skirt, toting a pink back-pack on her shoulders. The one on the right, Meg Griffin, is in her typical pink shirt and blue jean outfit, clutching her school binder and pom-pom in her hands. BOOM! The mid-right shown the girls from behind them. On the left side, we see Meg's head slouched down in defeat. Heidi's left hand goes to pat Meg on her back as they walk down the hallway.]
[The screen quickly cuts to a side view of Heidi and Meg walking down the hall. Meg is sad, and Heidi is there to comfort.]
Heidi: It's okay, Meg. It's okay.
Meg: No, it's not! My last chance to stay on the flag squad and they shot me down! I would've looked REAL good next to them! Ugh, those fat, self-centered bitches!
Heidi: Yes, they are. They are fat bitches. You know, I can't understand how they got to be flag girls in the first place. You're required to do splits, and half of them can't even get down all the way. Plus, they have some of the worst parents. Like this one time, when this girl got dropped off by her drunk father, the door on her side was stuck. So her dad, who was buck naked from-
[Meg, knowing the rest, bursts out in remorse at her friend and runs off.]
Meg: THAT WAS MY DAD!
[Heidi, initially stunned, thinks back and her eyes suddenly widen, realizing.]
Heidi: Whoops! Wrong girl!
[Heidi runs after her friend.]
[Outside of the school, Meg goes to the road in front of the school and sits on the curb, bawling in misery.]
Heidi: MEG! Meg, I am SO SORRY! I honestly thought it was a different girl! I'm sorry!
[As Meg goes on her bawling rant about home life, Heidi sits next to her, taking it.]
Meg: (crying) I'm not mad at you! I'm mad at my parents! I HATE MY LIFE! My brothers don't respect me at all, my dad ALWAYS finds ways to hurt me and embarrass me, and my Mom does NOTHING ABOUT IT! I HATE THEM! I FUCKIN' HATE-!
[Suddenly, a soft whoosh sound is heard and a dart hits Meg in the neck, instantly knocking her unconscious and she falls to the ground. Seeing this, Heidi, panic-stricken, looks around. Seeing nothing suspicious around the area, she instantly bolts for the school while taking out her cell phone and dialing a three-digit number.]
Heidi: Huh? Wha-? Meg?! MEG!? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, the- there- There's no one around! Call-Call for help! Call for help! Oh, my God!
[Heidi bolts through the front doors and starts running up another hallway of the school, with her cell phone to her ear. We hear a brief ring tone followed by an operator on the phone.]
911 Operator: 9-1-1. What's your problem?
[Two insert shots are shown. A tall insert shot on the left shows Heidi, panic-stricken, looking around the end of a joint hallway, seeing no one. A wide insert shot towards the bottom of the screen looks down upon Heidi and the hallway, following the exact same movement as in the left shot.]
Heidi: Hi, my friend just got shot.
911 Operator: Is he dead?
Heidi: I don't know! A dart hit her and she just fell flat!
[The same two shots stay put as Heidi runs back towards the foyer.]
911 Operator: Oh, she got shot. I'm sorry, I thought you were running from a rapist.
[A lone camera shot, filling up the entire screen, follows Heidi as she runs down the hall and towards the front doors. She was initially confused by the Operators comments.]
Heidi: What?!
911 Operator: You're panting really hard and you sound really scared! Anyway, where are you?
Heidi: We're at the front of Quahog High School!
911 Operator: Are there any adults present?
Heidi: Unbelievably, NO!
[From the side, we see Heidi burst back through the front doors. She suddenly stops and is silenced by what she sees.]
Heidi: I was looking for a-
[We see Heidi, from the front, looking towards the road in horror.]
[On the curb next to the road, Meg is gone, with no trace. Heidi speaks loudly to the Operator as she runs to the curb, frantically looking towards the road for her friend.]
Heidi: Oh, my God! OH, MY GOD! She's gone! Meg is gone!
911 Operator: Ow, Ow! Did you have to scream so loud?!
Heidi: Look, Meg Griffin was shot by a dart, and now she's gone!
911 Operator: M-e-g G-r-i-f-f-i-n! I got her name! Now, do you know where she lives?
Heidi: Uh, somewhere on Spooner Street!
911 Operator: Isn't that a sex position?
Heidi: Huh?
[Heidi looks down the sidewalk, and gasps at the sight of what she sees. A Caucasian man of 32, Fred, in a blood-stained business suit, crawls weakly towards Heidi. He's badly beaten, and his legs are broken.]
Heidi: Oh, my GOD! A man is crawling towards me! He's hurt! Badly! Send the ambulance! NOW!
911 Operator: Alright! Paramedics and Police are in route! Stay on the line, please!
[Heidi puts away her cell phone and goes to help Fred.]
Heidi: Screw it! Come here. Come here, sir. Be still.
[Fred grips Heidi's arm tightly, stopping Heidi. Slightly coughing, Fred wheezes out something to Heidi.]
Fred: (wheezing) They got her. They took her.
Heidi: Who? Who took Meg?
Fred: (wheezing) Eyes of the Devil, he's got! And a hot wife to show the world! It's him! He's big, he's mean, he has morals….
[Fred pulls Heidi, very nervous, in closer to whisper into her ear.]
Fred:(whispers) …and he has a big smile.
[Fred sighs his last breath as he turns over on his back, dead. Heidi, all this too much for her, screams and faints. She lands on Fred, her head in his crotch and her crotch on his head.]
[In a poorly lit van, we see Meg, still unconscious, lying on a bed cushion. On the opposite side of the van, we see a well-built man wearing a ski-mask and full black combat suit sitting next to a slender, fit woman in a ski mask and full black combat wear. The man pulls up a cell phone and makes a call.]
Man: Hey, P.S.? This is T.P. We've started Level One…Yeah, batten down the hatches. Sure, whatever you say.
[The man presses a button on the phone and hands it over to the woman.]
Man: How about we unleash the chicken?
[The woman takes the phone and starts pressing buttons.]
Woman: Right. Lesson plan in motion.
[The man looks at Meg, still unconscious.]
Man: Within the hour, Meg, your time will come.
[At the Griffin house, we see Stewie in his traditional yellow shirt and red overalls, playing with his outdoor toys. The time clock shows, "05:05:22", ticks for three seconds, then fades away.]
[A closer shot of Stewie shows him playing with a baby's kitchen and table set. At the table are a figurine giraffe, a figurine lion, and Stewie's teddy bear, Rupert. Stewie is at the play stove, playfully trying out a plastic egg and orange. Stewie playfully acts like an angry Gordon Ramsey, throwing the play food away in rage, and screaming at the play green soldiers on his stove.]
Stewie: P-TOOEY! Are you trying to kill me?! GAH! You're worthless! All of you! WORTHLESS! You can't get anything right! It's meaningless that you exist in my kitchen! I have hungry, eager customers waiting, and all I get from you is this-this-this shitty piece of fuckin' shit!? GAH, you're FIRED! ALL OF YOU! FIRED! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY KITCHEN NOW!
[Stewie binds all of the soldiers together in a ball with some string, throws it up in the air, pulls out a laser gun, shoots, and BOOM! It sends the ball of soldiers bursting into flames. Stewie smiles at his actions.]
Stewie: Oh, yeah! I would loooooove to have a shouting match with Gordon Ramsey.
[We cut to a scene where in the Hell's Kitchen, we see Stewie, in a chef's outfit, engaging in a shouting match with Head Chef Gordon Ramsey that is quickly escalating.]
Stewie: I'm better than you! I am SO better than you! I cook way better than your momma could! Wha-huh!? I swear to God, if you keep this up, I will grab that chef's knife and cut you open to kill you! I'll do it! I will do it! Don't make me! Don't you make me do it, bitch!
Gordon: Why are you like this?! You are the worst excuse for a chef I have ever seen! I cannot believe what you have done to my kitchen! Only an infant could've done this tragedy! An infant! And what kind of person are you?! An infant! That's what you are! An infant! A mindless, insignificant infant who doesn't even know right from wrong!
[Stewie quickly grabs the butcher's knife, and throws it in Gordon. The knife hits Ramsey in the middle of his head, sending him to the ground, dead.]
Stewie: YEAH! SUCK ON THAT, BITCH!
[Back at the Griffin house, Stewie seems really concerned about the vision we just saw.]
Stewie: Yeah, I better not have a shouting match with Gordon Ramsey. With those cameras watching me all the time, I might as well sign my death warrant.
[Stewie turns and sees the Griffin family vehicle pull up in the driveway. Seeing Lois in the driver's seat with brown bags of groceries in the back seat, Stewie cringes and talks to Rupert.]
Stewie: Oooooooohh, great. "It" is here. Better warm your jammies, Rupert.
[Lois gets out of the car, gets the groceries, and walks towards the front door. Seeing this, Stewie goes back to cleaning up the mess he made around the front lawn, trying to ignore Lois.]
[Lois stops short of the door to talk to her baby boy.]
Lois: Stewie, it's great to see that you're playing "Chef" with your Christmas present. Oh, a fancy dinner party, huh? Are you cooking for the President?
Stewie: Yes, it seems that hanging around here all the time is not getting me ready for my hostile takeover of this once-influential country. So, I decided to learn how to cook meth BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE A CRACK MOMMA!
[While laughing and talking to Stewie, Lois goes inside the house and shuts the door.]
Lois: (laughing at her child's behavior) Okay, honey. I'm going to start dinner. And if you eat it all, I have some new graham crackers for your dessert.
[Stewie, staying put where he was, wasn't affected by his mother mentioning his favorite snack treat.]
Stewie: Well, that's one thing she got right…..graham crackers. Ugh, how can I get rid of her discreetly? Hmm….well, it won't be as easy as hitting her with a rubber chicken.
[Suddenly, KICK! Dramatic action music starts as Stewie gets kicked by an oversized chicken foot, belonging to the Yellow Chicken that has previously fought Peter on a few occasions.]
Stewie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
[SMASH! Stewie goes flying and crashes into a car parked on the street and disappearing below the doors.]
[The Chicken, thinking wise, walks towards the car, cautiously.]
[Suddenly, BAM! Stewie bursts out of the door, wielding an iron tire tool and a drumstick, screaming.]
Stewie: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OKAY, BITCH! TIME TO RATTLE YOUR DRUMSTICKS!
[The camera zooms in on Stewie's hell-bent eyes of rage.]
[The camera zooms in on the Yellow Chicken's eyes, laser-focused on his prey.]
[The dramatic action music kicks up as Stewie and the Chicken engage in a brutal fight. Stewie engages in a martial arts style of fighting with his weapons, but the Chicken absorbs most and counters with simple kicks and punches, to which Stewie counters or absorbs. The fight moves down the street towards Downtown Quahog. On the way down the street, the fight forces oncoming vehicles off of the road. One of the vehicles forced off was a tanker truck, but it doesn't stop instantly.]
[We follow the screeching tanker truck as it plows over several fences, a couple of mailboxes, and old man Herbert.]
Herbert: Oh, no!
[The truck grinds to a halt across the street from the Griffin house, sparking and hissing. Suddenly, BOOM! The tanker explodes, shooting little bits of debris everywhere.]
[We see one piece of debris CRACK through the front window the Griffin home.]
[The piece of debris blisters right past Peter Griffin, who ignores it because he's focused on an action movie that is showing explosions. Peter doesn't like what he's experiencing.]
Peter: Man, the sound editing on this movie sucks!
[The debris rockets past Lois in the kitchen and ricochets off the kitchen door. The explosion outside startles Lois.]
Lois: What the Hell-? Oh, my God! STEWIE!
[Instinctively, Lois bolts outside the front door, looking for her baby. The tanker truck is ablaze, except for the tractor part.]
Lois: STEWIE!? STEWIE, HONEY!? STEWIE?! STEEEEWIE!?
[Suddenly, BOOM! The tractor part of the truck explodes, sending more debris everywhere. A light fixture is thrown away from the truck and towards Lois.]
[PLANG! The light fixture bounces off of Lois' head, sending Lois to the ground unconscious.]
[PLOOOM! The light fixture implodes on the front door of Glenn Quagmire's house. Quagmire opens the door, dressed in his robe.]
Quagmire: What the Hell was that?!
[Quagmire looks down the street, seeing all of the vehicles crashed and burned and private property destroyed just beyond where Lois is lying.]
Quagmire: WHAT THE FUCK?!
[Suddenly, Quagmire looks down on the grass.]
[Quagmire sees Lois lying on the grass, unconscious. Her rear end is facing Quagmire's direction.]
[We see a sneaky smile come across Quagmire's face. He looks around once more, scoping out the neighborhood.]
[We see from above the Quagmire and Griffin residence. Quagmire approaches Lois cautiously while talking, pretending to be a hero. But every time he says "Giggity", he twitches into a party-like dance pose, then resumes his approach.]
Quagmire: Oh, my God! Oh, my—Giggity—God! I must—Giggity—this—Giggity—to safety!
[Quagmire picks up Lois, and starts to retreat back to his home. Still pretending to be a hero, Quagmire yells out a declaration of aid, but every time he says, "Giggity", he twitches into a sex position pose with Lois as his partner.]
Quagmire: This—Giggity—needs help! I'll—Giggity—and—Giggity—and—Giggity—until she—Giggity—up!
[Quagmire is totally in the house, but says one last thing out the door.]
Quagmire: GIGGITY!
[SLAM! Quagmire slams the door.]
[Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" starts as Quagmire gingerly takes Lois into his personal quarters, which is populated with every sex fetish imaginable – posters of bikini-clad girls on the walls, BDSM gags and whips near the closet, and a lush, romantic red bedding on the heart-shaped bed. Quagmire carefully places Lois on the bed, on her back.]
[Quagmire is seen smiling, admirably.]
[We see Lois' unconscious body, although her soft breathing makes her chest rise up and down a bit.]
[We see Quagmire's right eyebrow rise a bit.]
[Quagmire quietly and slowly leaves the room and gently closes the door.]
[Suddenly, SCREECH! A record-scratching noise silences the music. Quagmire suddenly bounces, like Flubber, all up and down his house, very cartoon-like, excited, and giddy. His bounces do not affect the structure of the house.]
Quagmire: Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity GOOOOOOOO!
[Quagmire lands on his couch in front of his TV, stopping his bouncing.]
Quagmire: YEAH! YEAH! OH, YEAH, BABY! I finally got to play, "G.I. Joe Rescues Barbie" with my best friend's hot wife! HOOOOOOO, yeah! And it was in a Hell zone, too! HA! Too good to be true!
[It suddenly hits Quagmire.]
Quagmire: Whoa, wait a minute! What the Hell was all that out the-?!
[Suddenly, CRACK! Suspenseful music is heard as a glass cracking sound is heard accompanied by a dart hitting Quagmire in the neck. Quagmire falls flat on the couch, unconscious.]
[At the front window, we see a completely masked human with a dart gun. Seeing that the target was hit, the masked human runs off, quietly.]
[We see the masked human walking cautiously around to the far side of the house, where the master bedroom is. The human sees something.]
[On the side of the house, we see the masked human has found the bedroom window, covered on the inside by a red curtain. The human pulls a hammer, and SMASHES open a pane in the window. The human points the dart gun inside.]
[From inside, we see Lois, still unconscious, lying on the bed. The masked human takes aim and, 'poomp', the gun shoots a dart to Lois, hitting her neck. This doesn't affect Lois at all.]
[The masked figure ducks out of sight from the window, knowing the target was hit. We see the human's head look towards the Griffin home.]
[From behind the masked human, we see the front corner of the Griffin living room corner. The human cautiously moves towards the house, slowly.]
[Inside the Griffin living room, Peter is still watching TV in the living room. Brian walks in from upstairs.]
Brian: Hey, Peter. Do you realize what time it is?
[The '24' clock appears towards the bottom of the screen, starting at "05:08: 23". It ticks for three seconds and fades away. Peter looks at Brian, rather oblivious.]
Peter: Oh, hey Brian. Uh, I wanna say it's about 5:12, 5:13, something like that.
Brian: Okay, did you pick up Meg from her tryouts?
Peter: Um….why would I? That's a tryout itself, isn't it?
Brian: It's a tryout for you to go and get your own daughter?
Peter: Yeah, I gotta 'try' to get her, and she always has a way to put me 'out' of my happiness.
[Brian, defeated, grabs his keys and goes towards the door.]
Brian: Okay, I'll go and get her since you refuse. Just don't tell Lois that you forgot your daughter again.
Peter: Yeah…
[From outside, we see Brian opening the door and closing it. He's instantly stopped by the smoldering carnage of the crashed cars and trucks.]
Brian: WHAT THE F-!?
[Brian is stopped short by a 'poomp' sound. A dart hits him in the neck, sending him flat to the ground, unconscious.]
[We see the masked human from around the front corner, with the dart gun pointed right at Brian. Seeing that the canine is down, he cautiously goes to the front window.]
[From behind the front window, we see the masked human looking in towards Peter, who's still at the T.V.]
[We see what Peter's watching, seems like an action movie starring Steven Segal. We see Segal interrogating a criminal, tied up to a chair.]
Segal: Okay, you slimy punk. We can go hard or easy. Tell me where the stash is, and we'll let you walk. Don't tell me, and I will personally shove this 44 magnum up your ass, and pull.
[The criminal doesn't seem to mind the ultimatum.]
Criminal: Oh, in that case, I'll never tell. Let me have it, Iron Man!
[With the camera facing Peter directly, who was not really moved by the movie, speaks his mind.]
Peter: Wow! I haven't seen anything that wrong since that Asian girl ran all of those people off of the highway.
[Still sitting on the couch, Peter instantly breaks the fourth wall, talking to the camera directly.]
Peter: Sorry, folks. We already had an episode that features a clip of an Asian woman running a bunch of people off the highway. Plus, our budget won't allow us to re-imagine that scene. But, if you've seen that clip, just picture that scene right now. You know, that Asian girl driving normally in her car down a busy freeway. Then suddenly, she says, "Good luck, everybody else!" running everyone in her way into a-
["Poomp", a dart hits Peter in the neck. He slowly lies down on the floor, seems motionless at first, and then makes one last word heard with his face in the ground.]
Peter: (muffled) -fireball.
["Poomp", another dart hits Peter in the rear end, relaxing Peter to complete unconsciousness.]
[The masked human, stands up, puts the dart gun away, walks onto the front lawn, and takes another look around. The human picks up a smartphone, types a message, and puts the phone away.]
[From an angle further away from the masked human, we see the human press a button on its belt, which flashes red and causes some electricity-enhanced engines to start up. The masked figure crosses his arms over its chest and looks up. Suddenly, FOOOOOOM! Small rocket motors blast the human up well into the sky. The camera watches the human fly out of sight.]
[We see the black belt of the masked man in the van with Meg. A light on the belt flashes and beeps red. The man presses the button, killing the sound and light. He talks to the woman while they're still riding in the van with Meg lying on the bed, unconscious.]
Man: We've made contact.
Woman: Excellent. We have the plan in motion.
[The van driver knocks three times on the metal grate protecting the cab from the van cargo area.]
[The man grabs a radio, and talks into it.]
Man: Gibbs! Gibbs, come in!
[Inside the staging area of an arena area, an older scientist, Gibbs, picks up a radio and responds.]
Gibbs: Gibbs here!
[We hear the man talking through the radio.]
Man: (through radio) We're approaching the entrance! Open the gate and turn on the shield!
Gibbs: Yes, sir!
[Gibbs shout to a guard at the main cargo gate.]
Gibbs: HEY! GUARD! THEY'RE HERE! OPEN THE GATE!
[The guard acknowledges the order, and presses a green button near the cargo door. The electric motors start to lift up the cargo door.]
[Gibbs reaches for something in his lab coat. He pulls out a remote control with a digital screen. He pressed the code "1836" on the display, which brings up an text box on the screen, reading, "Confirm?" with the buttons "Yes" and "No" appearing below it. Gibbs presses "Yes" with his thumb.]
[Gibbs listens as electrical engines start firing up in the building.]
[Outside of the building, which appears to be the Quahog Event Center, we hear a soft "THUD!" accompanied by a bubble of electric-based matter that forms a hemi-sphere of transparent energy surrounding the Event Center.]
[Looking outside the tinted windows of the cargo area of the van, the man and the woman nod in assurance. The van light gets darker, implying that they are entering the Arena, as they talk.]
Man: The shield is up.
Woman: And so are the stakes, dear.
[From outside the cargo door, we see the van enter and stop as the Main Cargo door rolls down shut.]
[Intense action music plays. Back in the streets of downtown Quahog, Stewie, beaten and a bit bloody, is still fighting the Yellow Chicken, beaten and pretty bloody. Their fighting in the street is sending every vehicle crashing into the side of buildings and people running away from the fray and chaos.]
[The camera focuses in on the furious, determined face of Stewie as he delivers punches and takes a couple, not faltering.]
[The camera focuses in of the weary, trying face of the Yellow Chicken, taking more blows than delivering.]
[In a downtown street, an old Cadillac car is speeding along, swerving between the wreckage and people running.]
[Inside the Cadillac are three teenagers, taking snapshots and recording footage with their phones while one of them is driving.]
Teen Driver: WHOA! THIS IS SO AWESOME, MAN!
Teen 2: Yeah! When we get this on YouTube, people will think that we're friends with Bruce Willis!
Teen 3: Seriously!? Willis?!
[From behind the teen driver, we see him speeding along, not paying attention because of his photo taking, towards a screen of smoke from the wrecked vehicles. Past the smoke, Stewie and the Yellow Chicken are in the middle of the street fighting, and the teens are quickly approaching. Teen 2 and Teen 3 debate during this.]
Teen 2: Yeah, man! This seems like his kind of deal!
Teen 3: Oh, please! Mel Gibson could beat hi-
[From the street, we see the Teens car CRASH into Stewie and the Yellow Chicken, taking the fighters with them, leaving a couple of Yellow feathers behind.]
[Though thrown against the slightly-cracked, but un-shattered windshield, Stewie and Yellow Chicken continue throwing punches, even as the Teens gasp and their vehicle is still going.]
Teen Driver: Whoa! What the—
Teen 2: Hey! What's-
Teen3: OW! Man, what was-
[Suddenly, altogether, the teens scream in terror and take pictures simultaneously.]
[SLAM! We see the Teen Driver slamming the brakes hard, making the tires SCREECH!]
[From outside, we see the Cadillac stop, throwing Stewie and the Chicken from the car, still throwing punches.]
[Down the street is a street wagon, filled with various costumes, being pulled away by one man. Suddenly, from behind the man, CRASH! Stewie and the Yellow Chicken smash into the costume wagon, destroying the wagon and sending the wagon man running and screaming in terror. The music stops.]
[From the wreckage, an angry Stewie slowly emerges dressed in a Bugs Bunny costume.]
Stewie: (groaning) Someone get me the number on that Cadillac. I'm going to track it down and torch it!
[Stewie realizes what has happened and the costume he's in.]
Stewie: Huh!? What the deuce?!
[Stewie hears rumbling from within the wreckage.]
[We see the Yellow Chicken emerging from the wreckage in a Yosemite Sam costume, beard included.]
[Stewie, grinning slyly, looks past the Chicken.]
[We see just past the slowly-rising Chicken a sewer tunnel in the road, with the cover still on.]
[The Chicken stands vertically. Stewie quickly dashes to the side of the Chicken closest to the sewer cap. Stewie nibbles on a carrot he pulled out of his costume.]
Stewie: (nibbling on carrot) Eh, what's up, Cock?
[The Chicken doesn't seem to get it.]
[Stewie tosses away his carrot and pulls out of his costume a Vaudeville-style hat and dancing cane.]
Stewie: Eh, can you do this?
[Suddenly, catching the Chicken off guard, the dance music from "Bugs Bunny Rides Again" starts up.]
[Two insert-box screens appear. On the right, Stewie, with an exasperated entertainer's smile, starts dancing Vaudeville-style, like Bugs Bunny did in "Bugs Bunny Rides Again". On the left the Chicken looks on, completely dumbfounded.]
[At the end of the number, Stewie tosses his hat and cane aside.]
Stewie: TAKE IT, CHICK!
[The same dance music starts up again. Initially dumbfounded, the Chicken goes into the dance that Yosemite Sam does in "Bugs Bunny Rides Again". Stewie stomps his foot and claps along to the music.]
[Suddenly, in the last eight musical counts in the music, Stewie dashes to the sewer tunnel cap and opens it. The Chicken dances the eight counts, which is him walking towards the sewer tunnel opening. But, PLOMP! The chicken falls into the opening, but his fat gut prevents him from going into the tunnel. Seeing this, Stewie goes wile-eyed.]
Stewie: Gee, ain't I a stinker?! NOT YET!
[Suddenly, the Looney Tunes theme starts up. With the tempo of the music, Stewie, using the sewer tunnel cap, beats the Chicken eight times on the head, sending the Chicken into the tunnel. As the theme concludes, Stewie pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin, drops it into the tunnel, and closes the cap. Stewie runs off. Then with the last beat of the music, BOOM! The grenade explodes, sending the sewer cap and a few yellow feathers into the air.]
[The camera looks over to the sidewalk where Stewie ran to. Stewie has ditched the Bugs Bunny costume. He mocks what happened.]
Stewie: Whoa, man! What was that?! A broken transformer?! It IS more than meets the eye! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Suspenseful action music starts. Suddenly, hearing noises down the way, Stewie sees the boys and the Cadillac.]
[Stewie smiles.]
Stewie: That's my ride!
[Stewie runs towards the boys and the Cadillac.]
[The screen goes black to the golden ticking clock. Starting at 05:12:55, ticks for three seconds, then goes black.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[Act II – The clock starts at 05:15:23, ticks for six seconds. During the first three clicks, three insert boxes appear in order: The first insert box shows Stewie's eyes as he barrels down a street in the Cadillac. He pulls out a phone to make a call. The second insert box shows Spooner Street where clean-up crews cleaning up the carnage and debris. The third insert box shows Meg, still in her normal clothes, strapped at the ankles and wrists on a board. A woman in a lab coat, takes Meg's chest and arm measurements, as if for a costume fitting.]
[Back in the Cadillac, Stewie is racing down a freeway, talking on a phone while driving.]
Stewie: Listen up, Lacie! A crazy Yellow Chicken just tried to kill me!
[The screen goes to two insert boxes: One stays on Stewie driving. The other shows a young Caucasian brunette Lacie, who's about the same age as Stewie, in a pink with gold trim business outfit. She appears to be in an office building reminiscent to that of C.T.U. in "24". Lacie talks to Stewie through a headset.]
Lacie: Stewie! How can you let a little rubber doll get that-
Stewie: IT WAS A BIG-ASS CHICKEN! Ugh, it was about the size of the fat man!
Lacie: Whoa! That's a big-ass chicken!
Stewie: Not to be redundant, but CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
[Lacie frantically types on her computer.]
Lacie: Oh, right! Yeah, I have no idea why that chicken did all that, but you need to know that those teens that photographed you and the chicken already loaded those pics to Instagram.
Stewie: DAMN IT! I'm already on the grid! Wait, how do I look in those pics?
Lacie: Bruised with a bit of blood.
Stewie: Aw, isn't that just grand? Instead of just GTA, let's get the entire CPS on my case!
[BING! Something beeps on Lacie's computer. She clicks one button on her mouse, and what she sees shocks her.]
Lacie: (gasps) STEWIE! I located the bank account of that Chicken!
Stewie: Huh?! How could a chicken do that?
Lacie: Don't know.
Stewie: No, no, no. Why would a chicken need a bank? I mean, he's a chicken!
Lacie: Doesn't matter! A moment ago, $750,000 was deposited into this account.
Stewie: Wha—HOW!? I MEAN, HOW!?
Lacie: Cram it, Stewie! This is not an Indian movie!
Stewie: Well, duh! We're not in India!
Lacie: Look! I'm tracing the source of the deposit right now. Come on. Come on, you stu-
[The computer BEEPS once, leaving Lacie confused.]
Lacie: Wha—huh?! Okay, I know this makes no sense, but WHAT THE FUCK?!
Stewie: What the fuck is it?
Lacie: The money was traced to a check under the name of "Rucker Rum", which is only a cover up for the real possessor of the account, local news anchor Tom Tucker!
[The face goes full on Stewie, who is in shock and awe at the news.]
Stewie: What?! What the Hell is that narcissist doing!? Making his own news!? Good God, this is worse than that Hillary Clinton e-mail shit!
[The camera goes back to two insert screens, one with Lacie at the computer typing and Stewie in the car, driving.]
Stewie: Lacie, can you get me the position of Tucker? I need to talk to him immediately.
Lacie: Working….working…
[The computer BINGS! again.]
Lacie: Ha! He's at the news station, doing a live broadcast.
Stewie: Ah, well, I'll give him the news story of a lifetime! Thanks, Lacie!
Lacie: Right.
[Stewie powers off the phone and tosses it to the passenger seat. The camera follows the phone as it lands in the seat.]
[In a dark room, we see Meg, still in her normal attire, her wrists and ankles chained to a metal platform. A single light is shining upon her.]
[A dark figure of the man from the van, wearing a black jacket and a black cowboy hat, and a figure of the woman from the van, in a long ponytail, are seen behind the lamp that is shining the light on Meg.]
[The man is seen snapping his fingers once.]
[Suddenly, SPLASH! A little splash of water from above Meg wakes her up. The golden digital clock appears, starting at "05:17:53" and ticks for three seconds as Meg coughs a little as she slowly opens her eyes. She gasps as she sees the man and woman in the shadows.]
Meg: Wha-?! What the-?! Where am I?
[The woman in the shadows, Milady, speaks.]
Milady: Relax, Meg. You're still in Quahog.
Meg: Wha-? What do you want from me?
[The man in the shadows, the Texas Powerhouse, speaks.]
Powerhouse: We are here to help you. We know of your misery, your pain, the immeasurable suffering that you have endured at home.
[Meg is confused, but not necessarily scared.]
Meg: Wha-? How did-?
Milady: Meg, you have really good friends looking out for you. They were the ones who told us of your trouble.
Powerhouse: And as soon as we were informed, we knew we had to come to your aid immediately.
[Meg, still not sold on what seems to be too good to be true, asks.]
Meg: Why exactly am I miserable?
Powerhouse: Your dad's an asshole who loves himself, especially when he embarrasses you, degrades you, and makes you feel like the most worthless dirt pile on earth.
[Stunned to the core, Meg's face lights up with tears of joy and relief.]
Meg: (choking up) I thought this day would never come.
Milady: Hey, girl. Anytime CPS is ineffective or worthless, something's got to give.
Meg: Yeah. What are you planning to do?
Milady: The plan's already in motion. Your family will be here soon.
Powerhouse: When they arrive, we'll all sit down and have a little chat. Until then…
[Powerhouse snaps is fingers, prompting a minion to cover Meg's mouth with a cloth that makes her pass out.]
[Two of the minions unchain Meg from the slab and gently place her in a prison cell built out of bullet-proof glass, equipped with outlets from connected hoses and a small box of technology in the back.]
[We see two insert boxes appear with the main action screen in the center. The two small insert boxes show Powerhouse (left) and Milady (right) while the main action screen shows the two minions leaving the prison cell with Meg still lying down on the floor.]
[Milady barks a command.]
Milady: Curtain!
[A red curtain immediately covers the prison.]
[Milady barks another command.]
Milady: Outfit!
[From the roof, a mechanical arm pulls out a black, full-body leotard with streaks of gold with pink trim.]
[Milady barks one more command.]
Milady: Clothe her!
[A small hole in the prison roof opens. The mechanical arm drops the leotard into the prison. The prison hole closes. From within the prison, we hear two mechanical arms stripping and ripping some clothing for about five seconds, followed by stretching elastic for about 8 seconds.]
[Suddenly, the prison roof hole opens and a mechanical arm throws out Meg's hat, shirt, pants, socks, shoes, and pink, full-cover panties. The prison hole closes.]
[Seeing this, the Texas Powerhouse, still in the shadows, comes over to Milady in the shadows.]
Powerhouse: We'll inject her with the venom later.
Milady: Good idea. It only lasts for about ten minutes.
Powerhouse: Oh, that reminds me. We have to wake up the bastard family.
[Powerhouse pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it.]
Powerhouse: Gibbs!
[The shot of Powerhouse goes to an insert box on the right, while another insert box shows Gibbs, the scientist, on the left.]
Gibbs: Yes, sir!
Powerhouse: It's time for Phase 2.
Gibbs: Yes, sir. Understood!
[The camera goes full on Gibbs, somewhere in the loading area of a sports arena, surrounded by technology. He goes to a coordinator at a computer system.]
Gibbs: Lock onto their darts.
Coordinator: Yes, sir.
[Back in the Griffin family home, Chris walks from downstairs. He walks towards the kitchen, not even noticing Peter is still passed out on the floor.]
[Suddenly, the two darts in Peter blink red and then fall off of his body. A second later, Peter suddenly jumps up to his feet and just jumps around and screaming randomly…..nothing in particular, just screaming very silly gibberish.]
Peter: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[All of this nonsense catches Chris off-guard. He yelps and suddenly bolts for the door. Peter, still screaming and jumping, follows out.]
Chris: YAAAH! DAD! WHAT THE HELL?!
Peter: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[Outside the front door, Brian is still lying on the ground as the dart that hit him falls to the ground. Chris runs out the door with Peter just behind him, still screaming and jumping. Suddenly, Brian jumps to his four feet, and engages in the same jumping and barking manner as Peter, except Brian is bucking like a bull in a rodeo.]
Peter: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Chris: (scared, loud) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Brian: (loud) ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR!
[In Quagmire's house, with the random, cartoonish screaming continuing in the background, the dart in Quagmire's neck blinks and then falls from his neck. Suddenly, Quagmire jumps to his feet, jumping and screaming like the others. He jumps his way into his room.]
Quagmire: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[In Quagmire's room, Quagmire, still screaming, stops jumping to frantically wake Lois up. Seeing his gentle shake won't work, Quagmire, still screaming, shakes Lois even harder. Not working, Quagmire sticks his screaming face into Lois' chest.]
Quagmire: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AAAAAHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAHH! AAAAHHH!
[We see Lois' dart fall out of her neck.]
[Lois suddenly wakes up, screaming like the rest. CRASH! Lois instinctively shoves Quagmire out of her chest and right through the bedroom window.]
Lois: (loud) AHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Quagmire: (loud) AAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
[Quagmire was thrown so hard from his window, he lands on the Griffin's front lawn among Peter, Brian and Chris doing their screaming and jumping…or bucking.]
Peter: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Chris: (scared, loud) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Brian: (loud) ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR!
Quagmire: (loud) AHHH! AHHH!
[We see Lois jump from the window and proceeds to imitate the jumping and screaming that everyone else is doing.]
Lois: (loud) AHHH! AHHH!
[Unfazed by the throw, Quagmire also proceeds to jump and scream like the rest as all five characters chase each other around, by jumping, and through the front and back yard of the Griffin home.]
Lois: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Peter: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Chris: (scared, loud) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Brian: (loud) ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR! ROWR, ROWR, ROWR, ROWR!
Quagmire: (loud) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[Suddenly, from the road, a squad of police officers, arriving in Riot gear with dart guns, led by Joe, arrive at the scene of the chaos, dart guns drawn. As soon as they set up, Joe barks an order.]
Joe: DROP 'EM!
[The police officers fire their dart guns.]
[A few of the flying darts hit Peter, Lois, Chris, Brian and Quagmire, sending them to the ground.]
[Joe could not believe what just happened.]
Joe: Man, I haven't seen such stupid crap since the finale of Glee.
[Suddenly, the image cuts to the Texas Powerhouse and Milady in the shadows speaking directly into the camera.]
Powerhouse: Sorry, folks. We can't show that gay crap on a bad-ass episode like this.
Milady: Besides, even if you did like the show, you can admit….it's very gay.
[The image switches back to the Griffin house where slowly and steadily, Peter, Lois, Chris, Brian, and Quagmire rise to their feet.]
[Joe wheels himself to Peter and Lois, holding each other up as they rise. Joe queries.]
Joe: Um, Glenn, Brian, Chris, Peter, Lois, I have one little question for you….WHAT THE HELL!?
[Lois and Peter were taken back by the stern delivery from Joe, but they talk to him anyway.]
Peter: Geez, Joe. Holy crap!
Lois: God, I don't know what happened. The last thing I remember was….
[Lois feels her neck and feels the hole where the first dart was shot into.]
Lois: Oh, wait. This hole didn't come from you.
[Peter laughs.]
Peter: (laughs) No, it didn't.
Lois: PETER!
Peter: Sorry. But yeah, what happened there?
[Suddenly, a police officer picks up a dart from the masked man that hit Brian on the front lawn.]
Officer: Hey, Joe. This is not ours.
[The officer shows a close-up of the dart.]
[The officer points out the hole in the house window.]
Officer: Also, it looks like someone shot at them through the window.
[We see a close-up of the broken window. Everyone gasps.]
[The camera goes back to Peter, Lois and Joe.]
Joe: Breaking and entering, and tranquilizing to insanity. These perps are going down.
[Peter laughs again.]
Peter: I didn't know you were gay, Joe.
Joe: Peter, you make a joke like that again and I'll kill you.
[The image instantly cuts to the Texas Powerhouse and Milady in the shadow, talking into the camera.]
Powerhouse: Not so fast, officer!
Milady: We called him first!
[The image cuts to the Quahog TV News station. In the parking lot, it appears that the car Stewie commandeered crashed into two cars. We also see the door open. We also see a rope with a grappling hook leading up to the roof.]
[Inside the newsroom, Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons are still reporting the news, but are obviously nervous about the happenings that are being reported from them.]
Tom: (nervous) Uh, o-once again, a yellow chicken was seen causing fights with babies and teenagers in the d-downtown area. Diane?
Diane: (nervous) Right. Um, i-if anyone has seen the young, big-headed infant that was fighting the chicken, please contact the police immediately.
Tom: (nervous) Wait, Diane. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The police? D-don't you mean Child P-Protective Services? I-I mean, really? C'mon! Ha! An infant?
Diane: (nervous) Yes, Tom! The police! When did-
[Suddenly, Killswitch Engage's "This Fire Burns" starts playing as Stewie, in slow-motion, suddenly KICKS through the ventilation gate above Tom and Diane.]
[In mid-air and slow-motion, Stewie throws two grappling ropes towards Tom and Diane.]
[Still in slow-motion, we see Diane and Tom in the shock of the surprise. Before they can even get out of their seat, the grappling ropes hit them and quickly twirl around them, binding Tom and Diane to the chair.]
[In regular motion, Stewie lands on the news desk, facing away from Tom and Diane. Stewie pulls out a machine gun, and starts shooting towards the crew.]
[The panicked crew screams and runs from the shower of bullets. Some of the bullets ricochet off of the TV cameras and equipment as the crewmembers run away and out of sight.]
[Stewie laughs as he lets out more bullets from his gun.]
Stewie: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! WHO'S THE INFANT NOW?!
[The two main TV cameras EXPLODE as bullets continue flying into the crew area.]
[Upon seeing the destroyed technology, Stewie stops firing and puts his gun away.]
[Stewie turns to Tom and Diane.]
[We see Tom and Diane. It looks like their screaming in terror, but the only thing audible is the Killswitch Engage song.]
[Stewie is confused, but then it hit him. He pulls out a remote control and presses a button on it, killing the music and allowing the terrified screams of Tom and Diane to be heard. Stewie doesn't like the screaming.]
[We see Tom and Diane screaming.]
[Stewie, annoyed by the screaming, bellows out an order.]
Stewie: SILENCE!
[Tom and Diane stop screaming.]
[Stewie is rather surprised, but relieved.]
Stewie: There we go. Now then, as you all know, all Hell is breaking loose and I was caught in the middle of it. Oh, it's all right. I'm only an infant with a big, round head who needs to be taken in by the police. Or at least that's WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD ON THE NEWS!
[Tom and Diane gasp at the infant's behavior.]
Diane: He sounds like an evil genius!
[Stewie is dumbfounded upon hearing Diane's accurate observance.]
Stewie: MY GOD! It's about TIME a woman understood me! Why aren't you my mother?! Oh, I know why…because I would have to kill you!
Diane: What? You want to kill me?! HELP!
Tom: Me too! HELP ME TOO!
[Stewie gets back to business by pulling back out his machine gun.]
Stewie: SILENCE, YOU TWO!
[Stewie directs his attention to Tom.]
Stewie: YOU! You just paid off that chicken to attack me and the city! Tell me why and if there are others involved! If you lie to me, I'm afraid I'll have to dish out some punishment that will make the CIA quiver!
[We cut to a flashback, where a CIA director is testifying before the press.]
CIA Director: We will never use waterboarding to interrogate suspects of terror again.
[From out of nowhere, a small pebble is thrown and lands on the CIA Director's head, who instantly freaks out and starts yelling at the thrower.]
CIA Director: OW! OOOOOOOOWWW! THAT HURT ME! OW! AM I BLEEDING!? WHO WAS THAT?! SOMEONE FIND THAT MEAN PERSON! HE NEEDS TO BE PUT INTO TIME-OUT! OW! OWIE, OWIE!
[A random man is heard through the crowd of journalists.]
Random Man: I'M A MIME!
[Back in the news studio, we see Tom Tucker, crying in fear at the sight of Stewie with a cutthroat razor.]
Tom: NO! NO, you little monster! Not my mustache!
[Stewie is surprised by Tom's fearful statement.]
Stewie: Mustache? Do you even watch crime shows nowadays?
[We see Tom, still whimpering. Stewie can tell Tom's fear is genuine. Stewie smiles with evil intent.]
Stewie: Well, then….I say it's time to sign off.
[Dramatic music intensifies as we see Stewie lunging forward with the razor as Tom yelps in fear.]
[All sounds and music stop as the clock appears in a black void, starting at "05:23:02", ticks loudly for three seconds, then vanishes.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[In a black void, we see the clock starting at "05:27:19". It ticks for six seconds; during the first three seconds, three insert boxes appear. The first at the top left shows a police officer bringing a bag of the masked man's darts to the police truck, wherein a scientist takes the bag, places the darts out of the bag and into a small glass plate, and places them all under a telescope. The second insert box at the top left shows the Quahog Event Centre from above, where people are going inside the main gates and into the building. The third, taking up most of the bottom shows the shaven remains of Tom Tucker's mustache, accompanied by Tom's whimpering.]
[Back in the news room, Stewie uses a knife to clean his fingernails as Tom and Diane are still bound to their chairs. On the floor besides Tom's shaven mustache are the torn up remains of Tom's coat, tie and pants. His shoes have also been removed. Diane, rather annoyed by all of this, has been stripped of her coat and blouse, but her white bra is still on her body appropriately. Her skirt is still on, as well as her shoes.]
[Stewie is rather disgusted by the things he's digging out of his fingernails.]
Stewie: Ew, I never knew that journalists could be so dirty. I guess that what they get for digging for dirt.
Diane: Oh, damn it, Tom! Why won't you stop thinking about yourself and just tell him everything?!
Tom: Because he destroyed my mustache!
[Stewie is also losing patience. He pulls out a bloody hacksaw similar to what was seen in the movie, "Saw".]
Stewie: Look here! I wasn't planning to dismember you, but if I have to pull a 'Carey Elwes' on you, then SO BE IT!
[Dramatic music starts again at the sight of the hacksaw.]
[Tom and Diane scream in terror.]
Tom: (terrified) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MOMMY!
Diane: (terrified) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
[Stewie points the saw at Tom and makes his ultimatum.]
Stewie: TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR I WILL START HURTING YOU!
Tom: NO! PLEASE, DON'T! I'VE ALREADY BEEN HURT ENOUGH!
[Stewie jumps towards Tom, shouting.]
Stewie: YOU'RE A FUCKIN' RETARD!
[Seeing Stewie's coming for his legs, Tom cringes in death's face.]
Tom: (terrified) NOOOOOOO!
[Diane rolls her chair between Tom and Stewie, stopping everything.]
Diane: BABY! WAIT!
[Stewie, looking up towards Diane, is truly stunned by Diane's actions.]
Stewie: WHA-? How DARE YOU try to interfere with me, you skank!?
[Diane has one last plea.]
Diane: Baby, before you take Tom's leg, I have one last thing to say to Tom before he dies of lack of blood.
[Stewie thinks, and steps back.]
Stewie: Oh, damn it, go ahead. Just make it short.
[Tom, truly touched by Diane's heroism, tears up.]
Tom: My—my God, Diane. I didn't know you cared about me that much.
[Diane plays along.]
Diane: Well, I didn't want you die…..at least not until I told you that if you did die, you would have to live with the fact that a woman was made the Head Anchor of this news station.
[Tom gasps at the horrible truth. Tom immediately talks to Stewie.]
Tom: It was Mayor Adam West who put me up to it. We made a deal a few weeks ago that if I paid off the big Yellow Chicken to attack you and cause mayhem in town, he would grant me a permanent place in the state cabinet as media liaison. When we paid the chicken, we agreed that he would attack today a little after five, just in time for the news report. Mayor West said he would pay me back under the cover of a clever name, but not until the Chicken made the news.
[Stewie, hearing the plan, still has one question.]
Stewie: But, why have a Chicken attack a baby!?
Tom: According to Mayor West, he didn't find anything more hilarious than a baby trying to fight a chicken. Heh, it actually was kinda funny.
[Diane and Tom chuckle a little, realizing that they're still in danger.]
[Stewie, realizing he was a pawn in this meaningless scheme, looks at the journalists with a dumbfounded straight face.]
Stewie: This thing is more fucked-up than Donald Trump pretending to be a Republican.
[We see businessman Donald Trump, on a political campaign platform, talking to people.]
Trump: Build that wall! Kick them out! Deport them all!
[We hear a random male voice, with a Mexican accent, shout out.]
Mexican man: Senor, I vote for you.
Trump: Aw, screw the wall! Keep the fence!
[Back in the news room, Stewie talks to Tom and Diane.]
Stewie: Well, it's been a very nice chat, but I'm afraid that I…..
Diane: Wait! Wait! Tom, what was that about the Event Centre?!
[The statement gets Stewie's attention.]
Tom: Shove it, Diane! He's a big boy! He can figure it out!
[Stewie pulls out a pistol and points it at Tom.]
Stewie: So you do want a woman to fill your pants?!
[Tom yelps in fear.]
Tom: (yelps) AHH! You and your family are to report to the Event Centre before 5:50 tonight. Someone in your family will be waiting for you. That's all Mayor West has asked me to tell you if you beat the Chicken!
Diane: That's not all! If you and your family don't show up, all of you will be hunted down and killed!
[Stewie doesn't seem that concerned.]
Stewie: Well, that would get rid of Lois. But, I'm used to death threats all the time. Like you said, I'm an evil genius!
Tom: NO! You don't understand! He knows you! He knows your family! He's watching your every move! He has watched your every move since you were born!
Stewie: What? The fat one?
Tom: We don't know his name, we don't know who he is, but he has set up a perfect surprise for you and your family at the Event Centre! If you don't show, he will show up at your door and kill you. Even if you don't go home, you'll never be safe from him! Even we're not!
[At this point, Stewie is skeptical. He looks deeply into Tom and Diane's eyes.]
[Tom and Diane are still shaking in fear, not hiding anything else.]
[Stewie's eyes open widely in fear.]
Stewie: My God! You're not lying! DAMN IT!
[Driving action music kicks up as Stewie fires a grappling rope towards the roof where he came from, and rides the rope up. He disappears into the roof.]
[Tom and Diane are stunned at the exit.]
Tom: Whoa! If only that was recorded, I'd be at CNN by now!
Diane: FUCK YOU, TOM!
[From the open part of the roof, Stewie chimes in as a stun grenade is dropped in the news room from the open hole.]
Stewie: One step ahead of you, babe.
[From the roof, Stewie runs off as we hear Tom and Diane scream. Suddenly, BOOM! The stun grenade goes off, leaving a wake of smoke pouring through the open hole in the roof.]
[Stewie jumps from the roof and onto the parking lot. He looks around the lot, then his eyes open.]
[We see an unharmed Nissan Altima in the parking lot. Stewie runs to it, pulls out a crowbar, shatters the driver side window, and hops inside.]
Stewie: DAMN IT! No hands-free phone feature!
[Stewie jumps out, and runs to the next car, a Hyundai Sonata. Stewie shatters the driver side window and hops inside.]
Stewie: DAMN IT! No cruise control!
[Stewie jumps out, and runs to the next car, a Kia Santa Fe. Stewie shatters the driver side window and hops inside.]
Stewie: FUCK! Keyless start!
[Stewie jumps out, and runs to the next truck, a Dodge Ram 2500 Heavy Duty. Stewie shatters the driver side window and hops inside.]
Stewie: PERFECT!
[We hear some breaking and wire-clipping then, ROAR! The engine starts up. Stewie takes the driver's wheel, and the truck moves forward with some crashing sounds.]
[From above, we see the Dodge Ram 2500 smash its way through several broken cars, and goes out of the parking lot and onto the street, roaring on.]
[At the Griffin household, the police are still present while talking to the Griffin family and Quagmire while a couple officers examine the foreign darts in the police truck.]
[Peter and Lois, both panic-stricken, are on the lawn talking to Joe.]
Lois: My God! Two house break-ins, but nothing is stolen. We wake up with darts in our butts and we just go crazy for no reason….
Joe: Actually, Chris was not poisoned with that crazy juice. He just got scared when you went berserk. When we tranquilized him, he got put into a light panic coma.
[The camera pans over to Chris, in wide-eyed shock, sucking his thumb with two female police guards protecting him.]
Joe: He should come out of it any minute.
[The camera goes back to Peter, Lois and Joe.]
Peter: You know what's even worse than that? I'm missing the newest Grey's Anatomy!
Lois: PETER! Stewie is being held captive by a chicken!
[A tech-savvy officer, Larry, chimes in with his tablet to show Lois and Peter.]
Larry: Hang on! Hang on! We may have a lead! Joe, I examined the foreign darts, and they each have a word, or a group of words engraved on them.
[Larry pulls up his tablet. Peter, Lois and Joe gather around the tablet.]
Larry: It turns out they make a sentence. It reads, "Get…your kids.…from….the Event Centre….before…..5:50."
Joe: Whoa! This is getting weirder and weirder!
[Joe calls dispatch on his radio.]
Joe: Dispatch, 291! What the status on the Event Centre?
[A female voice talks to Joe on the radio.]
Dispatch: 291, Dispatch! People are assembling for an event at the Event Centre at this time.
Joe: Dispatch, 291! What are the specifics on that event?
Dispatch: 291, Dispatch! Quahog Extreme Wrestling! Over!
Joe: 10-4!
[Joe talks to Peter and Lois.]
Joe: Why would the perp want us to know about some crappy wrestling event? You know, none of this makes sense to me at all. And I know it makes no sense to either one of you. This could be a diversion. Maybe we need to-
[Suddenly, a female officer, Kim, shouts to Joe from the inside of the Griffin home.]
Kim: JOE! JOE, WAIT! You need to see this! Quick!
[We see Joe, Peter and Lois walk into the Griffin household.]
[Inside the living room, Kim is pointing out something on the wall with her magnifying glass.]
Kim: Mister and Missus Griffin, did you know that your house has been bugged?
Joe, Peter & Lois: WHAT?!
Kim: Your wallpaper is not just ordinary wallpaper.
[Kim brings Lois and Peter closer to her magnifying glass, which shows that within the wallpaper are tiny strands of filament. Kim explains as they look.]
Kim: Whoever put up your wallpaper fused it with strands of HDAV-1378 filament, a strand of microscopic receivers that work together to record and transmit HD video and audio.
[Dramatic music picks up as Joe, Peter and Lois gasp in shock.]
Joe: So, the perp wanted to be a peeper!
Kim: That's what's crazy, Joe! I don't think so!
Joe: Huh?
Kim: Larry already performed an age scan on these things, and they're about 20 years old! They've been here for a LONG time!
[Dramatic music picks up again as Joe, Peter & Lois gasp again.]
Lois: Oh, my God! We've been watched by some pervert ever since we moved in, and we never knew about it!
[Peter starts tearing up the wall paper from the walls and screams into it. Kim tried to stop him, but doesn't.]
Peter: Why, those bastards! I swear to God, if we ever find out who you are and why you did this, we will force you to watch all of the Carol Burnett shows, all of the Dick van Dyke shows, and all of the Daily Shows with Jon Stewart! Then, we'll force you to watch ten years of Carrot Top's greatest hits!
Kim: No, don't-don't do that! Mister Griffin, don't! NO! NO, don't!
[Peter, suddenly realizing Kim, queries.]
Peter: Why? Why shouldn't I threaten the bad guys? I thought you do that all the time.
Kim: CLEAR THE BUILDING! NOW!
[Dramatic music intensifies as Joe, seeing that Kim is serious, moves Lois and Peter out as Kim follows out.]
Joe: GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! MOVE YOUR ASSES! MOVE 'EM!
[Outside the Griffin home, everyone moves further away from the Griffin home.]
[At the edge, Kim, panting, explains to Peter.]
Kim: Sir, if the filament is still live and transmitting video, you ripping out the filament might trigger a fail-safe alarm in the transponder, prompting it to heat up to 2,000 degrees and explode.
Peter & Lois: WHAT?!
[Suddenly, we hear some electrical sparking from behind the Griffin home, and then, BOOM! The entire top half of the Griffin home explodes and is sent up in flames.]
[Watching the spectacle, Lois cries in agony and Peter follows in kind.]
Lois: NOOOOOOO! Our home! Our home sweet home! Nooooooo…
Peter: My TV! My movies! My bed! My FOOOOOOD!
[Joe, hearing what Peter just spewed out, is disgusted.]
Joe: This is more messed up than Hillary Clinton trying to stand up for her husband.
[On the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton is speaking to a crowd.]
Hillary: Of course the past is the past. The best way for everyone to move on is to forget about it and go on with life and live it to the fullest.
[Random voices chime in, challenging Hillary.]
Man1: What does Ambassador Stevens have to say on that matter?
Hillary: What matter?
Woman1: What about all the young women that your husband ruined?
Hillary: What emails?!
Man2: Name one accomplishment that you are proud of!
Hillary: There's many of them!
Woman2: Do you still plan to allow transsexuals into any bathroom of their choosing?
Hillary: Hey, let's all go party on my personal yacht!
[Back at the Griffin household, Joe gets a call from dispatch.]
Joe: Yeah, Dispatch. The fire trucks on their way?
Dispatch: 291, Dispatch! Fire is in route. Also, there is an update on the situation at the Event Centre. The gates are armed with anti-military shields. No police or soldiers are allowed in.
Joe: What? We can't break the shield?
Dispatch: We already have several injured officers who tried to ram their vehicles into the barrier!
Joe: What condition are they in?
Dispatch: Critical.
Joe: THOSE FUCKERS!
Dispatch: I heard that, Joe!
Joe: Sorry, Dispatch. Although, I still stand by what I said….
Dispatch: Also, Unit 502 has reported that the only people allowed into the Event Centre at this time are the Griffins of Spooner Street. The people inside claim to have their daughter and all they want to do is have a talk. Are they still with you?
Joe: Yeah, they're here. They're listening in.
[The clock appears as dispatch talks, reading "05:42:39", ticks for three seconds and then vanishes.]
Dispatch: Get them transport to the Event Centre quickly. The kidnappers have said that if the mother, father, and the rest of the family don't get there before 1750 hours, the daughter will be killed.
[Joe looks at his watch, and flips out.]
Joe: AW, DAMN IT! That's less than eight minutes! QUICK! Get me a unit! Lois, Peter, Chris, let's MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
[Chris, regaining consciousness, rushes with Lois and Joe away from the screen. Peter just acts casually, pretending nothing has happened. Lois reappears, trying to get Peter moving.]
Lois: C'mon, Peter! Let's roll!
Peter: Uh, yeah. I totally lost my motivation in this matter. Um, maybe you should go without me on this one.
Lois: PETER, THEY SAID ALL OF US!
Peter: Aw, you're just having another menopause. You'll get over it.
[Suddenly, Joe rushes back and points a gun in Peter's crotch.]
Joe: PETER, GET IN THE CAR NOW OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' NUTS OFF!
[Peter quickly rushes off screen. Joe and Lois follow.]
Peter: AAAAAHHH! OKAY, OKAY! Take it easy!
[We see Peter, Lois, Chris and Joe climb into an unmarked police car; Joe in the driver's seat, Lois and Chris in the back seat and Peter in the front passenger seat.]
[The car starts and screeches down the road.]
[Inside the car, Joe drives and reflects on everything to help tame Lois, scared and afraid.]
Lois: I can't believe our whole world is falling apart. Our kids, our home, our city….
Joe: Calm down, Lois. As evidence by the nature of the crimes, these perps are professionals. The theory goes that as long as we keep our word and get you there, they will hold their word and have Meg there.
Lois: But what about Stewie?! Oh, my poor baby boy is in the city somewhere all by himself!
[Suddenly, we hear radio static on the car radio. We then hear the voice of the Texas Powerhouse through the radio.]
Powerhouse: Attention, Quahog P.D. I am the one who is in control of the Quahog Event Centre.
[Everyone in the car gasps. Joe lets out his fury.]
Joe: You dirt bag!
Powerhouse: I have, in my possession, one Meg Griffin. If her family are not delivered to the loading area of the Event Centre before 5:50, she will be executed.
[We see an image, inside the Event Centre of Meg, in her black spandex outfit. A very sexy, form-slimming outfit, Meg likes what she sees. Milady is looking on.]
Meg: It's a bit tight, but it is sexy! How will this help me reconcile with my Dad?
Milady: You'll see. You'll see.
[Back in the police car, Joe, Peter, Lois, and Chris listen to the Powerhouse again.]
Powerhouse: Also, we have confirmed that the infant boy has been picked up in black Dodge Ram pickup, and will be delivered in time to the Event Centre.
[Peter, Chris and Lois sigh in great relief.]
Lois: Oh, thank God.
Powerhouse: If the police interfere with his arrival, all of the police will be punished.
[Lois is panic-stricken again.]
Lois: Oh, God. No.
[Joe doesn't like this.]
Joe: Man, this is the part of my job that truly sucks!
Powerhouse: As for the entertainment in the Event Centre, I can assure you…..no patrons in the house will be harmed. Believe me, what we have planned for them will make their day unforgettable.
[The signal is lost and static is heard. Joe is absolutely perplexed by the sophistication of the 'perps'.]
Joe: Now I'm starting to think we might need to call the Feds.
[Lois cries uncontrollably. It takes Chris a moment, but he starts crying along with his Mom. Peter just has one subtle remark.]
Peter: For the record Joe, I don't like being threatened.
[The dramatic music gives way to a theme that sounds like the soundtrack from the movie "Jaws" as we go to Stewie in the truck. He looks forward and smiles evilly at what he sees.]
[We see an image of Quahog City Hall.]
[Stewie rolls down his window, and pulls out a grenade launcher.]
Stewie: Smile, you son-of-a-bitch!
[POOMP! Stewie shoots a grenade towards a window as Stewie speeds by in his truck.]
[CRASH! The grenade enters the office of Mayor Adam West, bounces off the wall and lands in front of Mayor West's desk. Thinking he recognizes the item, Mayor West sounds off his frustration.]
Mayor West: How many times have I asked you to get rid of the stool-throwing Pine Trees?! I do these things for a reason, people!
[BOOM! From outside, the grenade explodes, consuming all of the Quahog City Hall.]
[Seeing the fireball in his rear-view mirror, Stewie laughs like that character in "Jaws".]
Stewie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
[From above, we see the Dodge Ram cruise down the street towards the Event Centre.]
[Suddenly, all sounds silent as we see the clock, starting at "05:44: 19". It ticks loudly for three seconds, then disappears.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[The clock reappears, starting at "05:48:39" and ticks for six seconds. During the first three seconds, three insert boxes appear. The first insert box at the top left shows Firemen putting out the smoking remains of the Griffin home. The second insert box at the top right shows Stewie driving the Dodge Ram through a barricaded crowd of civilians and police officers. The third insert box at the bottom shows Joe, Peter, Lois and Chris in the unmarked police unit driving past barricaded civilians and officers.]
[Dramatic action music picks up as we see Stewie driving along the obviously prepared street for him to drive in.]
[Up ahead, Stewie sees something.]
[In front of Stewie, we see a police roadblock blocking the entrance gate that appears to be open, but is tinted by a light green shield.]
[Stewie takes matters into his own hands.]
Stewie: You wanna play Chicken? BRA-BRAAK!
[The Ram ROARS towards the roadblock.]
[The cops run away from their vehicles, preparing for a collision.]
[Suddenly, CRASSH! The police roadblock stops and the Dodge Ram.]
[KAASH! Stewie is ejected from the windshield of the Ram and is sent towards the Event Centre.]
[From behind, we see Stewie passing through the blue shield as we see and hear an electronic WHOOSH! as Stewie passes through in the air.]
[From a different angle, debris of the vehicles dissipate and vanish as they make contact with the blue shield.]
[Still in mid-air, Stewie, slightly cut and scarred by the impact, has a thought.]
Stewie: Maybe I should've remembered that this is NOT AN ACTION MOVIE!
[Stewie skids along the pavement as he lands short of the building.]
[Seeing the Event Centre, Stewie picks himself up and brushes off the dust.]
[We hear crashing in the distance. Stewie looks back at the entrance gate.]
Stewie: What kind of fresh Hell is this?
[In the distance, we see the unmarked police unit, siren wailing, hitting a few cars on its way to the gate. SCREECH! The car pulls up to the gate. Lois and Chris get out quickly. Chris runs to the gate as Lois opens the door for Peter, still reluctant.]
Lois: GO, CHRIS! GO! C'MON, PETER!
Peter: Neeeeeugh!
Lois: PETER, MOVE YOUR FAT ASS NOW!
Peter: Eh, I'm not sure!
[We hear a pistol cock, which sends Peter bolting out of the car like a scared mouse and through the gate and blue shield. He has Lois in his hand.]
Peter: AAAAAAH! NOT MY PRIDE AND JOY! NO! NOOO! I'M RUNNING, JOE! I'M RUNNING!
[Seeing the sight of his family approaching, Stewie is not really surprised.]
Stewie: I wonder how much meth was used today.
[Lois sees Stewie. She's overcome with relief and rushes to her baby.]
Lois: Stewie? STEWIE! Oh, my baby!
[Lois picks up Stewie and embraces him. Stewie doesn't resist.]
Stewie: Yes, yes, yes. Baby missed him mum, too. Much like a teenager misses her virginity.
[Everyone stops short of the building. From behind Peter and Lois, we see an open rectangular door.]
[Everyone is nervous.]
Chris: Dad, are we going in there to talk to bad people?
Peter: That depends on what you define as bad, son. These people may have lost their way and-
Lois: Enough of that! Yes, honey! These are VERY BAD people and we need to tell them to give us Meg back! Now, come on!
Chris: Well, okay! If—(gasps) -Mom, wait!
Lois: What?!
[The dramatic music calms to a more ominous, terrifying feel.]
Chris: I felt a disturbance in the Force. Something that I haven't felt since….
Lois: Wha-? Are you cra-?
Peter: Hang on, Lois! The young Padawan is feeling what I'm feeling!
Stewie: Looks like they used eno- (gasps)
[Stewie sees something in the skies above him, away from the building that make Stewie chant something eerily as he points to the sky.]
Stewie: Red-rum. Red-rum! Red-rum! Red-rum!
[Lois, terrified at all this, looks up in the sky, gasps, SCREAMS, and points at what Stewie sees.]
Lois: TIES! RUN INSIDE! RUN!
[Peter and Chris look up behind them, and gasp.]
[In the sky, we see a fleet of three TIE fighters, from Star Wars, fly down from the sky, heading straight for them. They start firing green-colored laser blasts.]
[Lois, with Stewie in her arms, Chris and Peter, run REALLY fast towards the Event Centre as the blaster bullets hit all around them.]
[We see Peter, Chris and Lois, with Stewie, run inside the rectangular door.]
[Suddenly, BAM! BAM! BAM! Lois, Chris, Stewie and Peter are all stopped by a transparent, bullet-proof glass prison inside the Event Centre. SLAM! The rectangular door slams down shut. We hear the TIE fighters fly off in the distance. We hear loud screaming and applause, also in the distance.]
[Still dizzy from the action, Peter, Lois, Chris and Stewie slowly get to their feet. When they open their eyes, they see something that makes the gasp.]
[From the prison, we see the Texas Powerhouse and Milady, wearing their hats and hiding their faces.]
Powerhouse: Glad you could make it.
[Lois, recognizing the voice, defiantly demands answers.]
Lois: The radio voice…Where is she?! Where's our daughter?!
Powerhouse: Have no fear….she's alive and well. I'd explain more, but since we're pressed for time…..
Milady: GAS 'EM!
[Suddenly, a gas QUICKLY fills the prison from the hoses connected to it, sending Lois, Stewie, Peter, and Chris down to the floor.]
Milady: CLOTHE 'EM!
[A curtain QUICKLY covers the prison. We hear machines operating within the prison, along with clothes ripping. The machines stop.]
Milady: SEND 'EM!
[We hear a huge door opening and then shutting from within the prison. The curtain opens to reveal that Peter, Lois, Chris and Stewie are not there anymore.]
Milady: Honey, we are three-cubed!
Powerhouse: We are CHOCKED, CLOCKED AND COCKY! HIT IT, GIBBS!
[From down the hall, Gibbs, at a broadcasting audio/video mixing board, hits a red button.]
[Suddenly, the guitar riff to PapaRoach's "…To Be Loved" starts at 0:27 in the song; coinciding with the chord changes in the riff is a sequence of quick, moving images of a big city, tinted in red, reminiscent to the opening of WWE Monday Night RAW. Suddenly with the lyrics, we see the Texas Powerhouse, his face still covered by shadows, throws a ball towards the screen 0:32 in the song.]
PapaRoach: GO!
[The glass shatters and quickly goes away along with a montage of various images of the Griffin's wrestling. From 0:33 – 0:35, we see Peter in wrestling wear jumping from a ring rope, then freeze; the image then cuts to Stewie charging with a bat.]
PapaRoach: (singing) Wha-oo-oo-oh! I've never given in!
[From 0:35 – 0:37, we see Lois in wrestling wear jumping from the ring rope backwards, in a sexy split jump of grace, then freeze; the image cuts to Chris landing on the ring floor and rolling out of the camera's view.]
PapaRoach: (singing) Wha-oo-oo-oh! I never give up!
[From 0:37 – 0:39, we see Meg, in her black wrestling wear in full rage, jumping from the ring rope and down towards the ring mat, then freeze; the image cuts to the Texas Powerhouse and Milady standing in dark, blue-lit shadows.]
PapaRoach: (singing) Wha-oo-oo-oh! I've never given in!
[From 0:39.8 – 0:41, we see an image of Peter and Lois on the right side of the screen looking off to the left in fear and Texas Powerhouse and Milady on the left hand side of the screen looking off to the right; their faces are still in the shadows, but we can see the outline of a crooked, confident smile.]
PapaRoach: (singing) I just wanna be…
[The image gives way to a red-tinted image of the roof of the Quahog Event Centre, with the lit up letters of "QEW" appearing on top of the roof.]
PapaRoach: (singing) …wanna be loved!
[The song continues as the image cuts to the inside of the Quahog Event Center roof, where rocket pyro-technics go off towards the event screen, set up at the far side of the building. When the rockets reach the screen, more pyro goes off in a brilliant display of fireworks.]
[An image from within the stands catches the pyro and the wrestling fans cheering and screaming for it.]
[From the center of the floor, populated by a four-sided wrestling ring, and a barricade protecting it, we see the fireworks display concludes. Through the smoke, we see on the HD screen a rotating image of "QEW" as the crowd roars.]
[The camera pans around to show that the Quahog Event Centre is packed with thousands of fans.]
[Suddenly, THUD! The music stops as the lights and HD screen goes dark, sending the crowd screaming. But then, a sleazy, bummed-out rendition of the Family Guy theme song is heard as spotlights shine at the open rectangular door, calming the crowd a little. Also on the screen is a children's illustration of "The Griffins".]
[From within the rectangular door, four masked figures wheel out Peter, Lois, Stewie and Chris on steel tables, on which the unconscious characters are shackled to, towards the ring. Peter is in a pink, spandex-based wrestling outfit, Lois is in a sultry, green outfit, Chris is in a blue outfit, and Stewie is in a Devil's Red outfit.]
[From above, we see the masked humans place from the left side of the ring to the right Chris, Lois, Peter and Stewie, standing up and facing towards the HD screen and door. Some spotlights from above keep lights on the Griffins. The masked humans return through the door as the crowd remains wary. As soon as the last minion exits, the music stops, the lights on the door and screen go dark again, causing some more screaming from the audience, even though the lights on the Griffins stay on.]
[On the floor level, we see a weird gas come up from beneath the Griffins, causing them to wake up. As soon as they're awake, they all look around and realize the situation. Chris starts crying in fear, Lois is stunned to see the crowd, Peter is star-struck as he realizes he's on a wrestling show, and Stewie is not very happy about being shackled to a steel board.]
Chris: Oh, no! I'm wearing a blue tutu. Ahh-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Lois: Oh, my God! We're in the arena! Something bad's about to happen!
Peter: Oh, sweet! I'm in that wrestling show! Come on, bring on the big show!
Stewie: Oh, Hell no! I'm bound to this steel prison and I don't have a pick!
[The Griffin's hear some static, which is actually the beginning of Demon Hunter's "Storm the Gates of Hell". They all look towards the dark void.]
[We see an image from behind Peter and Lois, looking into the black void. Suddenly, FOOM! Right when the song hits the scream at 0:07, a wall of fire SPEWS out from under the entryway, creating a wall of flame. We also see the two shadows that belong to the Texas Powerhouse and Milady.]
[The shock makes the Griffins, except Stewie, scream in fear. We also hear the crowd screaming.]
[When the first verse of the song hits at 0:09, we see two pairs of glowing red eyes from within the shadows of Texas Powerhouse and Milady, along with the solid wall of fire becoming a cascading fire display and many strobe lights that continually go off. And, in spite of the lights, we still don't see the faces of Texas Powerhouse and Milady, just their eyes.]
[In the midst of the strobes, we see the Griffins, except Stewie, scream in fear. However, Stewie is looking at the spectacle, wide-eyed and impressed.]
[From the upper deck of the arena, we see the dancing fire and sparking lights continue as "Storm the Gates of Hell" rock the arena. On the HD display, we see the big, bold, professional titles of "The Texans". We also see, in the distance, Texas Powerhouse and Milady slowly approach the Griffins.]
[A close-up side shot of the Texas Powerhouse's face shows his glowing red eyes and Milady's glowing red eyes in the background as the strobes and fire continues.]
[A close-up side shot of Peter's eyes shows him screaming and tearing up as Lois and Chris are doing the same.]
[From above and behind Texas Powerhouse and Milady, we see them slowly approach Peter and Lois, still cowering.]
[At 0:30 in the song, Texas Powerhouse and Milady stop walking just short of the Griffins. The strobes and fire continue.]
[We see a front shot of the Texas Powerhouse, still in shadows, dead still with his red-glowing eyes looking straight to his prey, as the fire and strobes continue.]
[The chorus of the song at 0:35 starts as we see Peter, still screaming at the demonic sight, among the strobes and fiery glow.]
[We see a front shot of Milady, still in shadows, dead still with her red-glowing eyes looking straight at her prey, as the fire and strobes continue.]
[The song is at 0:40 as we see Lois shuddering at the demonic sight, among the strobes and fiery glow.]
[We see a front shot of Powerhouse and Milady together. The Powerhouse raises his hand, as a sign of raising the house lights. By 0:45, the arena lights light up and fill up the entire arena, and finally reveals the faces of Texas Powerhouse and Milady and their eyes are no longer glowing red. The Texas Powerhouse is a young Caucasian man of about 35, well-groomed brunette, no facial hair. He seems to have a rather serious demeanor. Milady is a lovely young Caucasian woman of about 33, beautiful brunette and lovely eyelashes. It is also revealed that both are wearing black jeans, black western boots and matching black western hats. Powerhouse also sports a black leather trench coat. Milady's hair is in a braided pony tail, with the hairband encrusted with a silver glitter finish.]
[The Griffins are stunned at the sight of how normal and intelligent-looking their captors are.]
[Stewie is equally impressed.]
Stewie: My God! They're only babies! By Jove, I just may have use for them….if only they didn't RESTRAIN ME!
[With his hand still raised, the Texas Powerhouse clutches his fist, which silences the music, and stops the strobes and fire and floods the arena with standard white lights. Powerhouse and Milady pull out head-set microphones and position them in front of their mouths.]
[The Powerhouse approaches Peter, looking him square in the eye. As Powerhouse speaks, his voice is amplified throughout the entire arena.]
Powerhouse: I don't care who you are…that was one Hell of an entrance!
[The crowd cheers in agreement.]
[Powerhouse and Milady acknowledge the crowd and gets them settled.]
Milady: Thank you, thank you, Quahog. By the way, those glow-in-the-dark contact lenses can make quite a fashion statement at Halloween!
[The crowd cheers again.]
[The Griffins can't believe what they see. We see Lois trying to say something, but she can't be heard over the noise.]
[Seeing this, Powerhouse knows why.]
Powerhouse: Oh, how rude of us. We would love to hear you speak, Lois.
[Powerhouse points a remote at Lois and presses a button.]
[We see a microphone on a bar appear from above Lois and is set right at Lois's face, picking up her voice.]
Lois: ….you bitch! I oughta….whoa! Oh, isn't that convenient!? Like I was saying, toots, you and your bastard husband had no business kidnapping our daughter and blowing up our home.
Milady: Hold on, Lois! What happened to your home was NOT our doing!
Lois: BULLSHIT, YOU BITCH!
[SLAP! Milady slaps Lois hard!]
Milady: DO THAT AGAIN, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
[We hear Stewie laughing at the sight. Seeing this, Powerhouse points a remote at Stewie, clicks and his microphone appears and picks up his laughing. Milady goes to Stewie and pretends to be a playful mother to Stewie.]
Milady: Oh, did baby like that? Did baby like seeing Mommy getting bitch-slapped?
Stewie: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, yes! Yes, yes! Do it again! Slap that bitch again!
[The crowd laughs at Stewie.]
Powerhouse: Well, maybe later, little one! Right now, we do need to clear the air. Like my wife was saying, bitch, we had absolutely nothing to do with your home. The only thing we really did was show your daughter the error of your ways.
[Peter laughs. Seeing this, Peter laughs, prompting Powerhouse to use the remote to bring up his microphone, picking up his laughter, which gets his attention.]
Peter: HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha, whoa, hey! Wow, I sound good! Quahog, prepare yourself, because tonight, I will take over this town and then tomorrow, I will CONQUER THE WORLD, the world, the world, the world, echo, echo, echo. Wow, that sounds cool!
[BAM! Suddenly, Powerhouse kicks Peter HARD in the groin, making him scream and then cry.
Powerhouse: SHUT UP, YOU DUMB-ASS!
[Lois gasps in horror.]
Lois: BASTARD!
[Suddenly, Milady forcefully places her foot into Lois neck, making her gag. No matter how Lois struggles, Milady keeps her foot in Lois' neck as Milady talks.]
Milady: YOU LOVE TO SOUND OFF, BUT YOU CAN'T LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE YOU SHOULD!
[Peter, disgusted at the thought of his daughter, wheezes his inner thought out of his mouth.]
Peter: Why should we? She's fat and ugly!
[SNAP! Suddenly, the Powerhouse places a claw-trap near Peter's groin, and goes off, right in Peter's groin, making him cry in agonizing pain. The crowd SCREAMS in shock.]
[With Milady's foot at her throat, Lois winces and shuts her eyes in pain.]
[Chris, seeing the horror, cries out to his dad.]
Chris: Dad! DAAAD! WHY ARE YOU BEING DUMB?!
[Even Stewie winces at what he just saw.]
Stewie: Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh! Oh, that is SOOOO deliciously evil! Oh, my GOD!
[The Powerhouse removes the trap and tosses it away. He screams in Peter's crying face.]
Powerhouse: DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?! DO I HAVE YOUR FUCKIN' ATTENTION YET?!
[Peter, crying, nods his head.]
Powerhouse: GOOD! Peter, you have NEVER treated your daughter with the love and warmth that she deserves! In fact, your parenting skills are SO BAD, all of your kids really need to be placed into Child Protective Services! But, since we will not leave a paper trail, I think it's best if the people of Quahog saw exactly how excellent you are as parents!
Milady: Thanks to the video evidence collected and sent to us by an anonymous supplier, we are able to see all of the happenings of the Griffin family.
[Milady, keeping her foot in Lois' throat, points towards the jumbo-sized HD screen.]
Milady: So ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, feast your eyes of Griffin Parenting 101.
[The HD screen shows old video of seven-year-old Meg in the living room watching TV. Peter walks in with a bowl of cheesy nachos.]
Peter: Hey, Meg. Would you like some nachos?
Meg: Yes, daddy. May I please?
Peter: Okay, go ahead.
[Meg starts to reach for the nachos, but then SPLAT! Peter intentionally throws the nachos into Meg's face, making her very messy. Peter laughs at the sight.]
Peter: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's not easy being cheesy, is it Meg?
[Meg starts crying and gets to her feet and run, only to slip and fall on some of the cheese, sending her face-down on the floor. Seeing this, Peter laughs even harder.]
[We see the audience booing.]
[Peter goes on the defensive.]
Peter: Hey, shut up! Shut up! I said "Shut up!" You people have no idea what I put up with at the house! No idea!
[Back to the HD screen, we see seventeen-year-old Meg talking to a friend with a bunch of beer cans littered all over the place.]
Meg: He works at a beer factory, but he's kinda going overboard and-OH MY GOD!
[A very drunk and naked Peter shows up, holding a beer can.]
Peter: Hey, Meg. Have you seen my pants?
[Peter sits on Meg, sips his beer, and talks to her friend.]
Peter: Oh, Lois, by the way we're out of toilet paper.
[Suddenly, Peter passes out, lying across Meg and her friend.]
[The audience is truly disgusted with what they saw. In fact, many of them wish they had never saw it. The boos from the audience get louder.]
[Peter is getting pelted with beer cans and other garbage, but Peter is still in denial.]
Peter: Hey! Hey! She deserved that! She was sitting in my spot!
[The boos get louder and more trash is thrown at him.]
[Stewie is already foreseeing what will happen next.]
Stewie: "Hey Stewie!" "Yeah, Stew?" "Wanna go by the hardware store for me? Pick me up some nuts and bolts?" "Sure, buddy. Why? What's up?" "Because WE ARE SCREWED!"
[Outside, on the streets of Quahog, a man, Guy Morrow, awakens, battered and bruised. He looks around.]
Guy: Wha-? What the-? Where am-?
[Guy looks behind him, and what he sees fills him with shock.]
Guy: Oh, my God! My car!
[The camera zooms out to find his car is wrecked, nearly totaled. Suddenly, Guy is happy and excited.]
Guy: YES! I can submit this claim to Geico, and maybe I'll get to do a commercial with a famous celebrity!
[Suddenly, a sign that reads "Two Weeks Later" appears for three seconds.]
[We cut to an image of a living room. Guy Morrow, sweating and nervous, sits at a dinner table. Sitting next to him is the ghost of author J.R.R. Tolkien. A text appears just below Guy, reading "Guy Morrow GEICO Customer". We hear a narrator speak.]
Narrator: Guy Morrow is a real GEICO customer, not a deceased novelist.
[A text appears below the ghost of Tolkien, reading "J.R.R. Tolkien World-Famous Novelist".]
Narrator: So, to help tell his story, we resurrected one.
[Both texts disappear as Guy starts to tell his story.]
Guy: One d-day, a p-police officer ran m-me off of the road.
Tolkien: A man of the law was defiant, laying chaos in his raging wake.
Guy: I had to c-call GEICO for help.
Tolkien: I cried out to the heavens, hoping for guidance.
Guy: They t-took care of everything, and I was back on the road again.
Tolkien: The gods sent an angel, and salvation was restored at last.
[The GEICO Insurance logo appears as the Narrator speaks.]
Narrator: GEICO. Real service, real savings.
Tolkien: Take the bill to Mordor, and DESTROY IT!
[Back inside the arena, a fountain of trash is being thrown at Peter, who remains defiant.]
Peter: Screw you! Screw you bastards! You dunno! You….don't….know!
[The Powerhouse speaks over the crowd.]
Powerhouse: People! People, please! I think we can all agree that our friend is already pure garbage. So, can we please restrain from adding more to the pile?
[The audience chuckles a little as the camera goes to Milady, who still has her foot at Lois' throat. Lois is starting to turn blue.]
Milady: Yeah. And besides, we have something better for him, anyway!
[Milady takes her hand, and SNAPS the mic from above Lois off its stand. She lowers her foot from Lois' throat and walks off. Lois gasps in relief.]
Chris: MOM! MOM?! Mom, you're not a blueberry anymore!
[The Powerhouse and Milady retreat a little up the walkway towards the Jumbo-screen.]
Powerhouse: I've always believed that if you can't talk them down, then we have to switch to the universal language. Plus, I'm just too excited to keep waiting! GO!
[Suddenly, DOING! The platform Peter was on catapults him in the air. While Peter screams in midair, the platforms carrying Lois, Stewie and Chris turn around, making them face the wrestling ring. Milady speaks while this happens.]
Milady: You should also know that the ring floor is supported by a fresh slab of concrete.
[BLAM! Peter lands face down in the wrestling ring. The crowd laughs at the painful sight. Suddenly, we hear heavy machinery sounds as four walls of prickly iron bars rise on all four sides of the ring.]
[Lois, Stewie and Chris watch in awe at the sight of the rising walls of bars.]
[From above, we see the four walls making an enclosed cage around the ring, with Peter still in it. Suddenly, BLAM! Four triangle inserts at the top of the walls swing in and form a ceiling barrier, making the structure a cube of iron bars.]
[The crowd screams in delight as Milady goes to her left and Powerhouse goes to his right. Milady and Powerhouse reappear, with hands-free microphones towards their mouths and Guitar Hero III guitar controllers in their hands. Powerhouse strums his controller, and suddenly, Dragonforce's "Through the Fire and Flames" starts. Powerhouse speaks in his announcer's voice.]
Powerhouse: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following bout set for one-fall is a prickly iron cage match! Already in the ring, weighing in at 329 pounds, the World's Fattest Asshole, PETER GRIFFIN!
[The crowd boos loudly as Peter slowly gets to his feet. Milady chimes up with her announcer's voice.]
Milady: And in the other corner…..
[We don't see anyone in the corner opposite Peter.]
Milady: Aw, Hell! RING THE BELL!
[Right with the three guitar chords in the song at 0:19, we hear a bell ring three times right along with the chords.]
[Back in the ring, the music cuts to 3:20 as out of nowhere, Peter screams in agony as Meg, in her black wrestling outfit, appears to have kicked Peter's rear-end, sending him crashing into the unforgiving iron cage. Meg is fired-up, angry, and dead-focused on her prey, not like herself.]
[Peter, still dazed and aching, has his head facing the cage closest to the family. Suddenly, Meg pounces on Peter's back, thrusting Peter's head into the cage, making Peter bleed more with every devastating impact.]
[Lois pleads to Meg to stop.]
Lois: MEG! MEG! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!
[Meg hisses at Lois and shows her middle finger as she throws Peter across the ring to the opposite wall. The crowd screams in approval at the sight of the action.]
[Stewie watches the carnage, impressed. But suddenly, a thought hit him.]
Stewie: WHOA! Wait a minute! How did she get in there?
[The camera goes back to Powerhouse and Milady, who are rocking to the song on their Guitar Hero controllers, as if they're playing the game with the music. The writer's credits and director's credits roll as they discuss.]
Milady: Isn't it amazing what one little spark can do?
Powerhouse: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Hell yeah, baby!
[Suddenly, as the music hits 3:39, a thought hits Powerhouse.]
Powerhouse: Whoops! Forgot something!
[Powerhouse presses a circular, light-blue button on his belt.]
[As the vocalizing starts at 3:42, strands of lightning start appearing from the four corners of the arena roof and slowly make their way towards the center of the roof and start collecting into a ball of energy.]
[The crowd gasps in awe.]
[Meg mercilessly stomps at Peter's gut, not even paying attention.]
[Lois, in tears, looks up in awe. Chris and Stewie are doing the same.]
[The camera focuses on the bright ball of light as it grows more solid and vibrant. Suddenly, at 3:51, the ball FLASHES into a beautiful solid form, reminiscent to the Final Smash ball found in the videogame, "Super Smash Bros. Wii". We hear the crowd gasping and screaming in awe. It slowly floats down, towards the top of the iron cage.]
[Chris recognizes it as the music cuts from 4:02 to 4:24.]
Chris: Oh, my God!
Lois: Chris, do you know what that is?
Chris: Mom, whoever gets that ball will win this fight!
[Lois gets extra motivation to free herself from her shackles. She fights at the unforgiving shackles.]
Lois: Oh, my God! We gotta get free!
Chris: I'm trying, Mom! But, I don't have a key, and you don't either. Plus, these people have been several steps ahead of us since the beginning. I don't think they'll just hand us the key.
Lois: Keep trying, Chris. Who knows? Maybe these things were made in the U.S.
Chris: What?
Lois: You know? Cheap and weak?
Chris: God Bless us, everyone!
[The music continues to be heard as the camera cuts to Quagmire's living room, where Quagmire, Brian, and a few other cops are watching the action. They are VERY angry at what they see. They scream and shout unintelligent anger as they throw beer bottles everywhere in angst. Brian, angry and drunk, shouts out an intelligent thought.]
Brian: GODDAMNIT! HOW THE HELL DID THOSE FUCKERS GET ALL THAT FUCKIN' MONEY TO FUCK US UP THIS FUCKIN' HARD?!
[Quagmire, also angry and drunk, lets out his thought.]
Quagmire: NOBODY FUCKIN' KNOWS! SO, SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH AND SCREAM YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!
[Brian obliges by showing his two middle fingers at the T.V. as he screams.]
Brian: OKAY! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
[Suddenly, the image cuts to Powerhouse and Milady, clearly annoyed at what we just saw.]
Milady: Ugh. Can we just get through this?
Powerhouse: Gladly.
[Powerhouse picks up his remote, points it to the camera, and clicks a button, right when the music hits 4:58.]
[Suddenly, we see, with each little Pac-Man sound in the music, the following texts appear in order: "2x" "4x" "8x" "What?!"]
[Back in the ring, right when Herman Li's solo at 4:59 starts, it appears that the fighting action between the angry Meg and the wounded, exhausted Peter has accelerated into a very fast motion, like a VHS being fast-forwarded. Through the intense, fast action, we can tell that Meg mercilessly punches, kicks, claws, and clobbers Peter at every turn. And no matter how many weak punches Peter tries to make, he can't keep up with the incensed Meg. The crowd cheers excitedly at the sight.]
[At 5:04, the fast action between Meg and Peter is placed into a large insert box, two insert boxes are placed at the top left and the top right of the action box. The top left shows Powerhouse, sweating as he strives to keep up with the music in his Guitar Hero controller. The top right shows Lois and Chris watching the action in horror. At 5:09, the top right frame goes to Stewie, clearly dumbfounded as he tries to make sense of the madness, but can't.]
Stewie: Wha-?!
[At 5:14, the image goes full on Powerhouse's right hand as he's strumming the controller hard. He moans and groans in ecstasy; the moaning gets louder, then at 5:18, it sounds like he climaxes.]
Powerhouse: Oh, yeah! Yeah, baby! Oh, oh, oh! HELL YEAH!
[At 5:19, the start of Sam Totman's solo, Milady strums her controller really fast with the solo, feeling ecstasy with every musical motion. It looks like she feels a rush 5:27.]
Milady: OH! Oh, that's right, Meg! That's right, baby! Yeah, just like that! OOOOH! OH, YEAH!
[Suddenly, at 5:28, the hair band holding Milady's braid back SNAPS, letting her hair down as a wind blows it back; she continues playing like a rock Goddess.]
[A quick close-up shows a twinkle in her eye as she winks at the camera.]
[In Quagmire's house, all of the men, including Quagmire, Brian, and the male cops, all have their eyes wide-open, stunned at what they saw. Suddenly, WHOOSH! All of the men go into separate rooms of the house, close the doors and lock them.]
[Back in the arena, the crowd continues roaring at the sight of Milady's spectacle of sparkling shine, and at the sight of Peter getting owned by Meg.]
[The camera pans over to Powerhouse as the music hits 5:40; he knows what the crowd is loving.]
Powerhouse: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Joan Jett, eat your sexy heart out, babe!
[At 5:47, the big insert box in the center shows Peter, very bloody, bruised and almost half-dead, lying on the ring, not even feeling some of the punches or kicks that Meg is delivering. Meg, still untouched, doesn't relent on her assault. The top left insert box shows Powerhouse and Milady still rockin' out to the song. The top right image shows Stewie, using his tongue to pull a bobby pin from his mouth. He directs the bobby pin to the left hand shackle.
[The image goes full on Stewie as suddenly, BZZT! The current from the shackle zaps Stewie's mouth numb as the bobby pin shoots away. The camera quickly goes to Lois, who yelps at what she saw.]
Lois: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BABY, YOU FUCKIN' BASTARDS!?
[The image goes full on Powerhouse and Milady, dumbfounded by Lois' ignorance.]
Milady: Don't worry, Lois. Killing your family is not on our list. But a sing-along karaoke moment is!
[At 6:01, Powerhouse addresses the audience.]
Powerhouse: You all know this song!
[The music cuts from 6:04 to 6:23. Right at 6:23, the Jumbo-tron shows, in flaming letters, the lyrics to the chorus of the song.]
Powerhouse: SING ALONG!
[A flaming, Texas-shaped logo acts as a bouncing ball as the crowd, Powerhouse and Milady sing-along. The camera pans around the arena as the singing begins, showing pumped-up, devoted wrestling fans singing. We also see Meg at a ring corner, back in normal action, catching her breath.]
Crowd/Powerhouse/Milady: So Far Away We Wait For The Day/
[We see, from behind Meg's head, Peter lying on his back, very bloody, bruised and twitching, trying to move. The camera cuts to Powerhouse strumming his controller towards the end of the next line of the Chorus.]
Crowd/Powerhouse/Milady: For The Lives All So Wasted And Gone
[The camera shows Lois, teary-eyed and defeated. The camera zooms out gently as the next line of the Chorus is sung.]
Crowd/Powerhouse/Milady: We Feel The Pain Of A Lifetime Lost In A Thousand Days
[The camera shows Powerhouse and Milady, from a distance, strumming with the song and singing. As soon as everyone sings "OOOOON!" the area behind Powerhouse and Milady lets out a shower of sparks from above, accompanied by crackling, white firecrackers.]
Crowd/Powerhouse/Milady: Through The Fire And The Flames We Carry ON!
[An aerial shot shows the crowd ROARING as the sight of the pyro.]
[Meg grins briefly, but keeps focused on Peter.]
[Slowly, the Final Smash Ball makes its way inside the cage.]
[Chris sees the ball and, without thinking, gasps and shouts out.]
Chris: THE BALL!
[Meg looks up, sees it, and smiles with evil intent.]
[Chris, Stewie and Lois sees this.]
Chris/Stewie/Lois: NOOOOOOOO!
[At 6:57, Meg jumps into a back flip from the top of the ring ropes towards the Final Smash Ball, and SHING! makes contact. The ball consumes her.]
[Powerhouse and Milady, seeing this, run back towards the rectangular door entrance as the spark showers and pyro stop. They disappear into the darkness of the door then, SLAM! The rectangular door slams shut.]
[Inside the ring, the glow from above dwindles as BLUMP! At 7:01, in the ring, the fearsome image of Wario from the Nintendo Universe appears, as if the Final Smash Ball transformed Meg into this hideously comic form. Wario emits his trademark cackle.]
Wario/Meg: HA-HA-HA-HA!
[Lois, Chris and Stewie scream in horror.]
[Wario/Meg looks at Peter.]
[We see Peter, almost passed out, still twitching on the floor, facing up.]
[Wario jumps onto Peter's mouth, facing towards his feet. We hear a gun-cocking sound, then Wario speaks.]
Wario: BLASTOFF!
[Right at 7:09, BOOOOOOOM! Wario lets out a THUNDEROUSLY LOUD flatulent! The fumes emit with such great force, it INSTANTLY consumes the entire arena, clouding up a clear vision of anything.]
[At 7:11, we see inside the ring through the fumes, that Meg, back to her form in her wrestling attire, unconscious and lying on her side on Peter, very unconscious. A robotic arm comes out, slaps the ring mat three times and points to the opposite corner, where we hear three bell rings.]
[From 7:13 to 7:15, we see four insert boxes appear quickly from left to right, finding images through the flatulent fumes. First, the rectangular entryway. Second, Stewie, freed from the shackles lying face down, unconscious. Third, Lois freed from the shackles lying face down, unconscious. Fourth, Chris freed from the shackles lying face down, unconscious.]
[At 7:16, we see Meg still on top of Peter, unconscious. The camera zooms out, showing the entire arena consumed in flatulent fumes. The entire crowd is rendered unconscious by the flatulent blast. The entire arena is in view by the time the song concludes.]
[Outside the arena, Joe and the rest of the Quahog police are scrambling to make sense of the muffled explosion they thought they heard.]
Joe: Grenade?! C-4?! Cordite?! What the Hell was that?!
[An officer, Larry, points past Joe towards the back of the Arena.]
Larry: Joe, Joe! Are they escaping?!
[We see a few rounds of what appears to be little flying ships leaving the back part of the arena. Joe is outraged at what he sees.]
Joe: It's THEM! THE PERPS ARE GETTING AWAY! Send in Air Tactical now!
Larry: Wait! Hang on, Joe! It looks like their turning around.
Joe: What?!
[In the air, the little flying ships do appear to be assuming a follow-the-leader formation and are turning back towards Quahog.]
[Joe, seeing this, knows they might have a chance.]
Joe: They're coming! They're coming this way! Ready your weapons! Lock and freakin' load!
Larry: Uh, sir? Don't you remember the Civilian's Initiative Number 4921?
[Joe thinks for a minute, and suddenly remembers. Joe is beside himself. We see the little flying ships, which upon closer inspection are the scientists in personal, armored jet vehicles, fly over Joe and the Force. Joe continues to vent as the scientists fly over and out.]
Joe: Huh?! (gasps) NO FREAKIN' GUNS!? NO ARMED COPS!? NO! NO, NO, NO! ARRGH! I HATE THIS FREAKIN' STATE! I HATE THIS PLACE! WE ARE USELESS! FUCKIN' USELESS! ARRGH! HOW WILL WE STOP THEM NOW?!
[By this point, the scientists have flown out. We hear electric fizzing and the shield is lowered. Joe, still mad, turns and realizes what happened and orders the Force to charge the arena.]
Joe: THE SHIELD! IT'S GONE! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
[The Police officers charge the arena gates, moving through clear and unobstructed. As they run, they are stopped when the rectangular loading door opens and ROAR! A VERY LOUD, Diesel engine ROARS from within the structure. As the door opens, we see gleaming headlights from within the dark loading area.]
[Joe and the other officers get out their telescopic batons, ready for a pounding.]
Joe: Time to go New Zealand on these bastards! CHARGE!
[All of the Police officers yell as they charge towards the truck.]
[Suddenly, the truck ROARS out of the loading area, showing itself as a 2016 Ford Expedition XLT SUV.]
[From behind the Expedition, the SUV seems to be outfitted with two rocket engine exhaust funnels. Suddenly, the funnels light up and ROAR louder.]
[From in front of the Expedition, we see the Expedition point up and start flying up into the clouds.]
[On the ground, Joe and the officers stop, amazed and stunned. Joe is angrily dumbfounded.]
Joe: JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST! HOW THE FUCK DID THOSE PERPS AFFORD THAT?!
[As they watch the rocket fly away, Joe hears some electric crackling from within the loading area.]
[Inside the poorly lit loading area, the technology used in the show by the scientists is self-destructing. The machines are sparking with small explosions, which gradually turn to bigger explosions. After a moment, all of the sparking and explosions stop, leaving all of the technology resting in smoke.]
[After a moment of quiet, next to a smoking technology booth, a small red light flashes, quietly.]
[In the fume-filled arena, we hear heavy machinery CLANKING and THUDDING. Then, WHOOSH! The retractable roof opens up, releasing the fumes into the atmosphere. It also lets light into the arena, where all of its inhabitants are still unconscious.]
[Outside, Joe and the officers are still wondering what's happening. Joe looks up at the retractable roof. Suddenly, Joe and the officers are hit with the deadly fumes. They all start cussing, coughing, and retreating.]
Joe: WHOOOOOAAA! OH, JEEZ! HOW MUCH COW SHIT IS IN THERE?! OH, GOD! OH-HO-HO-HO, GOD DAMN IT! GET THE GAS MASKS! GET THE FREAKIN' GAS MASKS!
Larry: OH, MAN! WHO CUT THAT?! GOD ALMIGHTY! THAT'S GOTTA BE POISON OR SOMETHING! GET BACK! BACK UP! NOW!
[Inside the arena, the roof is still opening up and everyone is still unconscious.]
[At the top of the open roof among the escaping fumes, we see a little sprinkling nozzle, pointing down.]
[We then see the same kind of nozzle populated throughout the top edge of the opening roof, as we still see fumes escaping.]
[Sweet, tender, resolving music starts. Suddenly, from below, we see the sprinklers activated, spreading a clear liquid throughout the entire arena area.]
[We see in the middle of the air that the liquid is dissolving the fumes as contact is made.]
[In the ring, Meg, still lying on Peter, is getting wet from the liquid, but not hurt. Peter's blood and bruises slowly dissipate as water makes contact with his skin and the ring mat. Also, it is also noticed that the prickly iron cage has disappeared.]
[The sprinkling water wakes up some of the fans in the arena. They slowly get to their feet. Some have to fight the fan make-up that drips into their eyes.]
[The camera zooms in on one of the sprinklers. The close up reveals a maker's logo, reading, "Johnson & Johnson Where Penis Jokes Are Not Allowed".]
[At this point, the fumes have been eliminated. The sprinkling keeps going, though. Inside the wrestling ring, Meg slowly awakes. Not knowing what happened, Meg gets to her feet slowly, not even realizing what happened. The sprinkling heals the rest of Peter's bruises and washes the blood stains.]
[Meg opens her eyes and looks around, through the sprinkling water. She gasps in shock, seeing Peter on the floor, her in a wrestling ring.]
[Lois starts to wake up. She gets to her feet.]
[Lois, still a bit dazed, is instantly embraced by a tearful Meg.]
Meg: MOM! Oh, thank God you're alright!
[Lois, still dazed, is a little hesitant, but still taken aback by the sudden gesture of love.]
Lois: Oh, who-Young lady, you have some kind of nerve! Did your dad really deserve that vicious beating you gave him?
Peter: Of course I did.
[Lois and Meg look up to the ring. Peter is standing, teary-eyed and remorseful.]
[Lois and Meg, elated that the family man survived, go into the ring. Lois hugs her man.]
Lois: Oh, Peter! I thought you were dead.
Peter: Yes. Yes, honey. The old bastard Peter is dead.
Meg: Dad, I am so sorry. It's just-I couldn't help-I just wanted-
Peter: I know. I know, cupcake. You just wanted to be loved just the way you are.
[Meg, clearly teary-eyed, smiles with great sincerity.]
Meg: Dad? Dad, I-
Peter: It's okay, baby! It's okay. I know that this has been long overdue, and I'm sorry you waited this long, but….I love you!
[The tender music kicks up a notch as Meg starts bawling and embraces Peter. Peter also tears up as he embraces his baby girl. The crowd, awake and witnessing this, starts applauding and cheering, which gradually gets louder and greater. Lois joins the wet hug-fest.]
[From outside the ring, the camera gently zooms out from the tender hug to the point where we see Stewie and Chris, awake and on their feet, looking at the sight in the ring. After a moment, Chris speaks up.]
Chris: So, I guess if we pick on her now, we're going to get punished?
Stewie: Dude, your I.Q. just went up two points. Come on, let's join this Glee club.
[Stewie and Chris climb into the ring and join in on the hugging.]
[The image zooms out into a separate insert box, as another one appears, showing the streets of downtown Quahog, where people are still cleaning up the mess from the fight.]
[The insert box with the Griffins hugging in the sprinkling ring goes to the right while on the left, we see Mayor Adam West's office, where among the smoke and debris, Mayor West, accompanied by security detail, just walks out of the room, like nothing happened.]
[A new pair of insert boxes appear: One shows the trashed news station, where Tom is putting on his suit and Diane is back in her outfit. Tom likes what he sees, even without his mustache. He tries to impress Diane, but she just slams him HARD sending him crying as she walks off. The other insert box shows the sewer tunnels of Quahog. It follows a rat scurrying along, sniffing at wet tracks of chicken feet.]
[Suddenly, all music silences as the flying Ford Expedition is seen. We hear a cell phone ringing.]
[Inside the Expedition, which seems outfitted like a luxury sedan, Milady is in the passenger seat. She picks up the cell phone, equipped with a scrambler.]
Milady: It's him.
Powerhouse: Put him on.
[Milady presses a button and sets the phone on the middle console between her and Powerhouse. Powerhouse speaks to the phone.]
Powerhouse: Yeah?
[We see a dark image of a sofa chair in a dark room, lit only by a television. In this room we hear the voice of Carter Pewterschmidt.]
Carter: Excellent work! I thought you drew far too much attention to yourself and your wife, but all in all, I call that a success.
[The camera goes to two insert boxes, one with Powerhouse on the left and the lit-up sofa on the right.]
Powerhouse: Thanks, but unlike the way you measure success, we're just glad to have rekindled a family for a transport out of here.
Carter: For the record I still think you were overpriced. I mean, you crash into my home, plead for forgiveness, and then offered to take up my solution.
[The insert boxes reset: The right side shows Carter's head with the phone at his ear. The left side shows an irritated Milady.]
Milady: You mean, our solution.
Carter: Oh, very well. Your solution. But I'll tell you what, if you crash into my house again in a time-travelling accident, I'll make sure you do hard time in MY time!
[The camera goes full on Carter's head with the phone.]
Powerhouse: Man, the only time I hope we do is kicking more stubborn moron asses in the war! Nothing would please me more than that!
[The phone clicks, followed by the dial tone. The camera follows the hand as it places the phone in the receiver.]
[The camera quickly pans up to reveal, with a soft techno THUD, the face of Carter Pewterschmidt. He's initially frowning, but then goes back to a smile.]
[On his TV, we see the Griffins, in the arena, being escorted by Joe and the officers towards the rectangular entrance door amongst applause. Also, the sprinkling has stopped. ]
[Carter smiles again.]
Carter: Ha! My bastard son-in-law got his ass handed to him! Good thing I have this on DVR.
[The dramatic music gets louder as the Griffins are being escorted through the door. The door closes with a THUD!]
[With the THUD, the music stops, the image goes black and shows the clock, starting at 05:59:57, ticking for three seconds, then disappears to silence.]
[The end credits roll with the "24" Theme playing. The Texas Powerhouse narrates with a soft echo as the credits and music roll.]
Powerhouse: It seems today that all you see/ Is violence in movies and sex on T.V./ But where are those good old-fashioned values/ On which we used to rely/ Lucky there's a Family Guy/ Lucky there's a man who positively can do/ All the things that make us laugh and cry/ He's a Family Guy
[The Fuzzy Door Productions and 20th Century Fox Television logos follow.]
THE END: FAMILY GUY – REVENGE OF THE MEG
EPILOG
I am glad it's done.
Any and all reviews are welcome. Thank you for reading.