disclaimer: disclaims
AN: You know sometimes, you're brain has this idea and you just turn to it and go, "no, brain, that's stupid." And then you're brain goes, "shut up, it's brilliant. Sit down and write it, you whore." And you do.
This is one of those fics.
/road maps/
I'll take you apart
until you are pieces split into pieces
and then recreate you
so we can be new
--
"I had a life once—you know I used to smile."
"Yeah? Well, I never did."
"You did, too. I know you did. Everyone smiled—at least one time."
"That wasn't smiling. Not really. When you smile,
you need to mean it."
--
I used to smile. And do you remember?
--
Lilly and Veronica used to play a game. Lilly's favorite game in the whole world.
What man will Veronica Mars fall madly in love with?
Veronica had been so much duncan duncan duncan
that Lilly had been the only one to play. She had said:
he will be tall, and he was will be badass, and he will be drop-dead
curl your toes eat your heart out gorgeous and Veronica Mars
will never ever be the same again.
When Veronica is seventeen, she thinks it is Logan,
and is glad when it's over.
(it wasn't always like this; she remembers happiness
it's vague, like the hollow remains of Lilly's
laugh at the back of her head,
digging into her skull, burying itself in her skin like a brown recluse bite,
eating away at the flesh until its blackened and useless
it'll be years before she learns how to forget even a little;
the way Lilly smiled and was so Lilly,
and it'll decades before the happiness returns)
It's the end of the world, and Dean Winchester is in a bar.
The predictability is almost pathetic.
When the world collapses around his ears,
Dean controls his terror with thick whisky down his throat.
(John Winchester would be proud)
And the he sees her (pretty girl what are you doing here?) and he thinks for a moment:
I've had too much to drink, I'd better stop. But then he thinks
he deserves to see this pretty girl, even if she's just
a drunken illusion and he drinks some more.
She's blonde and small and wearing jeans and a
dark tank top and dusty boots.
Dean focuses on the blonde, focuses on it until his hands
curl around the neck of his bottle, knuckles tight and white.
Mary Winchester was blonde. So was Jessica Moore, and Jo Harvell. Thin and blonde and all smiles and sunshine (and steel).
The Winchesters do too have a weakness.
"If you're going to say something like 'what's a girl like you doing in a place like this'—I'm going to have to stop you."
"I wasn't going to say that. No really."
"I'm sure."
"Maybe I was. Can you blame me? What are you doing here?"
"Miss the memo about the apocalypse?"
"No. No. I got it. I was there, sweetheart. There was light and an angel, maybe, but definitely Satan. He said, 'fear my wrath, foolish mortals'. I know, because I was there."
"Sure."
"Really."
(their first meeting went very well)
Dean Winchester invites her along, and Veronica Mars thinks
why the hell not (he can't hurt me, Lilly).
"I don't make it a habit of driving away with strange men,"
she says
"What do you do anyway?"
"I'm a regular Nancy Drew."
She knows that Dean Winchester probably never found Nancy Drew
hot. Never read her books. Maybe that's why she likes him.
(a little)
"Nancy Drews don't survive judgment day."
"It wasn't judgment day—it was the end of the world.
Difference."
"Don't see it."
"You wouldn't. But trust me. It's different."
How is it that she feels like maybe she knows him, Dean Winchester;
or she feels like she should know him. Like some pieces of him
belong to her. She recognizes him (but doesn't).
Veronica Mars used to play soccer,
and she was really very very good at running.
That should have been her first clue.
Her father had shouted, from the sidelines,
"Run, Veroncia, run!"
Veronica ran. And ran. And ran.
Really, she didn't know how to stop.
Dean tells himself he doesn't want to, but he does.
He wants to know her. He's not used to riddles he can't
find some way to unravel, but all she is is a riddle, a giant
enigma of cotton candy blonde and steel-toed boots that somehow
weathered an apocalypse.
It doesn't make sense, and maybe he's a little bitter.
His mother hadn't made it—but then Veronica's hadn't either.
Neither had her father.
(we are very alike, you and I)
And Veronica? Veronica knows enough about Dean to not ask.
He's got scars all over him, a crisscrossing map on his body.
She knows, without asking, about Sam.
"You ever hunted a demon?"
"Do I look like Buffy to you?"
"Buffy doesn't know squat. Anyone can kill a vamp with a little brainpower, but killing a demon is different."
"You want me to ask why don't you? Well, I'm not. 'Cause I don't care. I'm just here for the ride to the next town."
"No you're not. It's cute that you think that, but you know you're not getting out of this car."
"I dated a guy like you once. Bad boy, badass, bossy. I am so over your type."
"I've slept with lots of girls. One of them might have looked like you. Do you want to kill a demon?"
"What kind of demon?"
dean winchester took veronica mars hunting.
Veronica is used to her life being uprooted;
once her best friend in the whole world was murdered,
and then her mother left her and then reappeared and then left again
and she still has nightmares about Shelly Pomroy's party (cassidy cassidy
cassidy stop)
and once, just once, Veronica let a boy break her heart (really break; itty
bitty Veronica-shaped pieces; Logan had always wanted to be Veronica's
first.)
But in every equation there is a constant.
This was Veronica's:
daddy. And she never imagined a life without him.
Except once she did.
(black eyes oozing like puss from a wound
and Logan bleeding and dying,
the scent of his animal fear impregnating
the air as her father laughed, watched and laughed
Veronica had imagined
what life would be like, without her father)
Veronica's greatest sin is that she is a survivor.
(this is the saddest part of the story:
they know they're lost and they know that they need—
want to talk, and say I know you very well
let's stay together
but they don't)
(except, Dean Winchester says, "Did you know?
I had a brother once.")
He died.
But not really. Dean just needs to think
he died. (or else, Sam Winchester
would be alive.)
"Did he just leave?"
"Took off in the dead of night. I've been looking for him, last year or so. Sammy doesn't want to be found. So I don't. Find him."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you? Don't be. Everyone's just about an orphan these days. My story ain't no big deal."
"Dean—"
"You?"
"I used to live in Neptune, California. It was hell on earth. Even before hell came to earth."
Dean Winchester lost his brother.
Veronica Mars killed her father.
"He was possessed."
"Is that supposed to make it better?"
(because it doesn't)
Veronica knows guns now. Knows how
to clean a chamber, and reload rounds, and can shoot
nine out of ten cans from thirty yards and likes
the shotgun best of all. Once Veronica went on Nancy Drew
investigations with a taser and a dog named Backup.
Things. They change.
Veronica Mars wasn't a hunter before. But now she is.
(I was always waiting for this.)
She starts thinking: maybe she was waiting for Dean Winchester all along.
Waiting for someone to patch the jagged, sharp edges of her together
(broken, like Lilly's skull across the cement)
but the problem is that by the time Dean finds her, sand
and wind have eroded the edges, and when he jams them together
they don't quite fit. Still, it's better
than nothing.
And Dean? Dean tells himself, he's just
too used to a passenger now; too used
to having someone smarter than him standing next
to him. Really that's it.
But it's not.
we smile and shake hands
and the world burns and turns
so you have to get up
and laugh
or else, you die
Veronica hates (hates) ghosts
hates them so much because
she's afraid; they might be
Wallace, they might be Logan
they might be Weevil, or Parker
(or daddy)
or everyone else who died in the fire
that ate Neptune alive, and she is
afraid. Could she salt and burn them?
(no.)
(Lilly never haunted Veronica;
every time Dean tracks down a ghost
she thinks: maybe, maybe just maybe
and that isn't fear)
Dean never tells Veronica about hell; and
he feels guilty sometimes about it
he shouldn't
Veronica never tells him about the rape
Veronica lays sideways across the cheap motel bed. Dean is flipping through the channels, and it is surprising, Veronica will admit. The whole world knows they are dying (rotting) from the inside, eaten alive and they burn.
And, yet, there is TV.
Dean turns to her, and she shifts, draws her legs against his and he leans down just as she opens her mouth and (oh). He slides them both back down onto his bed. Veronica is wearing his jacket and he slides it off her thin, shaking shoulders.
(you thought that was going to be romantic, didn't you?)
"How many girls have you been with?"
"Isn't this one of those loaded girl questions that guys know not to answer?"
"No, this is me being curious. I'm sure you've been with tons—you got man whore written all over you."
"Hey."
"But I'm the nonjudgmental girlfriend, remember? Tell me."
"Loads… too many. Maybe."
"And how many have you kept around for more than a few days?"
"Veronica—"
"Exactly. I'm good. We can do it."
"You know, I slept with an angel once. Well, fallen angel."
"Shut up."
Veronica only ever met Castiel once,
and she never did again because he doesn't like her.
He said something to Dean, and
then she never ever saw him again. The end.
Except she did.
"I just wanted to talk to you."
"Should I be honored?"
"No. There is no excuse—for Neptune, for your—"
"Don't."
"I am sorry, Veronica. But I'm here to help Dean."
"I'm not leaving him."
"I never thought you would."
Veronica likes sleeping Dean the best, because
sometimes, she thinks she can see what he would
have looked like—without this.
Is it wrong that she sees Logan in him, just a little
just the parts that she loved? (there were just so many
that she didn't) and she lays there
curled up on his chest until he wakes up,
and it's the apocalypse again, and him
taking off his boxers and pulling her
shirt off.
Dean thinks that John Winchester would
have loved Veronica Mars.
And that's the biggest complaint he can ever
give anyone—until he realizes
Sam would have liked (Sammy, you would have
loved) her.
Sometimes he talks to her like she's Sam,
but Veronica doesn't seem to mind so much
and when that happens, and she talks back
Dean can't help but wonder who she's talking to
(because it's not him).
(a recurring dream Veronica has:
she is walking home with Logan and they are "on" again
and he is kissing her as they stumble toward her father's
apartment, hands in each other's hair, the lights
around them dim and flickering like
something completely trite and romantic and Veronica
is in love
her father laughs, cruel, vicious, like something
is inside his skin, walking and talking like
he's Keith Mars, but oh God he's not
and Logan is screaming, his body like butter
in the face of the knife, and his bloody hand
grips hers and he is shouting, "run, Veronica, run!" and
Veronica for the first time can't run.
All she can do is watch.)
The thing is; it's only a dream if you wake up at the end.
They cross the country back and forth, almost in a pattern
though Veronica can't really decipher it
and it's just her and Dean, and she realizes it's never really been
just her and anyone before. It was always her and Logan (and Lilly)
her and Duncan (and Meg), her and Wallace (and his dad). And
for the first time it's just her, and Dean.
Sometimes, traveling with Veronica, Dean forgets to
look for Sam, and he has just enough will left
to hate himself for it.
"Back to Texas again?" she asks.
"There does seem to be a lot of activity there."
"Lots of activity everywhere."
"Right." Dean smiles a little, the road before him dark and long,
and Veronica beside him small and bright. "I was thinking instead maybe
we'd go somewhere else?"
"Aw, Dean, you don't need to woo me to get me into bed."
"Of course, I don't. You practically beg for it."
"You know, I do have a handgun on me."
"Oooh, scary."
Veronica laughs, and leans back against her seat, and asks,
"So where to Cowboy Joe?"
"I was thinking… South Dakota?"
"South Dakota? What's in South Dakota? Besides things I don't
care about?"
When Bobby Singer first meets Veronica Mars, he thinks
Dean has gone insane.
Then Veronica beats him in a game of poker and
things start looking up.
It's the first time that Dean has visited
without asking about Sam.
Veronica presses her hand against Dean's side, he
turns and looks down at her. They are squashed
together on Bobby's sofa, and they're
lucky Veronica is so small.
"Do you think you'll find him?"
The first thing he notes it's you not we.
To Veronica, Sam is just another ghost
just another dead friend (she told him, about Lilly
Kane, and Dean never asks again because
it makes her cry) among the
corpses. She never, ever once knew Sam Winchester
and that's a goddamn shame.
"I have to." He has (needs) to.
But Dean doesn't want to think about it when Sam is so far
away (dear dean: don't come after me. Please.
It's for the best) and Veronica is so close, and so
he slides his hand under her shirt and they both
forget for a little while.
They start looking for Sam again the very
next day.
Then, of course, Sam finds them.
The Winchesters can't seem to let each other go,
and after Dean's done hitting Sam, Veronica
walks out into the cold night air
while they talk.
"Why the hell did you leave, Sammy?"
"I had to, Dean."
"Did not. You fucking did not."
"No. You don't understand. The whole time, you were right
about Ruby, and I just didn't listen. I didn't want to listen.
And because of that, I—"
"It isn't your fault."
"It is! It was. That's why I had to leave. I had to figure it out on
my own. Clean up my own mess."
"Then the way the hell did you come back, anyway!?"
"Because Dean—you're my brother."
Later, Sam lifts his head from his awkward seat
across the room and says quietly, "Where'd the
blonde go?" And Dean realizes, that no, he doesn't
actually want to share. Not this, and not with Sam.
He wants to keep Veronica to himself (mine please be mine)
and is stony silent for a while, before standing and saying to Sam,
"I'm going to find her."
Veronica wonders when Dean will ask her
to leave. If she was Dean, she'd want her gone too.
That isn't bitter (she won't let it be) because at least
it was for a while. She hasn't had for a while in
too long.
She thinks she's ready when she sees him, but her heart
jerks, her legs buckle, and she realizes that (no) she isn't
ready to give him up. She has too precious things
to lose and how can she lose him without
even a little fight?
"You found your brother," Veronica says,
and doesn't say the rest (I was only temporary),
"If you don't mind, I'd rather skip the long goodbyes
and just… get going."
He grabs her hand, and they are both surprised
(you were temporary)
until he finally says, "Stay."
And she does.
Sometimes things really are that easy.
This is a picture of them now: Dean driving the Impala, Sam navigating, Veronica in the back. The world is fire red and burning behind them, demons licking at their heels, and angels watching from above.
Sam has a plan, though, maybe, and neither her nor Dean know him well enough (anymore) to ask what it is but they both trust him. Dean because he's Sam, and Veronica because he's Dean. It might be the last chain of trust left.
Veronica doesn't think in afterwards, because afterwards, Neptune will still be gone, and so will her father and Logan and everyone else that ever mattered in that life before the night in the bar where she let a man sweet talk her into his classic muscle car.
So she lives in the now. And she lives there with Dean and Sam Winchester. It's been so long since that was actually enough.
Dean's eyes glitter in the dark as he leans in close,
"Don't wake him up," he whispers to Veronica and
kisses her.
They don't (they do, but Sam just doesn't say anything.)
Once, Lilly Kane told Veronica Mars she'd met a man,
and he'd be tall and dark and handsome and oh my gosh
so amazing that she'd fall and she'd never ever
be the same again. That was what Lilly had told Veronica, with her pretty
blonde smile and her bright blue eyes.
Veronica is too old to fall anymore, and certainly not for Dean Winchester.
Still, Lilly had a habit of being right.
Sam wakes up early in the morning, and sees them,
Veronica and Dean wrapped in each other
the world burning around them, and for the strangest reason
he smiles, and goes back to bed (even though it hurts).
A long time ago, we used to be friends.
AN: my firm belief is that if Dean Winchester and Veronica Mars ever meet they will either kill each other, or they won't be able to keep their hands off one another. What can I say? I'm a sentimental heart.