The Warrior Chronicles:
Millennium Madness
Episode 1
The wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy with the arrival of Gorilla Monsoon, Pat Patterson, and Gerald
Brisco. The three have challenged the newly formed Ministry (Undertaker, Ric Flair, and Rowdy Roddy Piper) to a
match at the upcoming pay-per-view. The wrestling world is still in shock over the all out disappearance of the
wrestlers that participated in the Main Event of the last pay-per-view. Mean Gene has been on the case and has
found out some groundbreaking news!
Mean Gene: Folks, I have so much information to tell it's ridiculous! Everything from Hogan's dirty panties, to
Macho Man's affair with Chavo Guerrero! In addition, I hear that the Warrior is now wrestling for The Village
People in a gay bar down in Australia, but that story has yet to check out. In related news, Doug Flutie has gone
back to the NFL. He told me in an exclusive interview that the pain of Hogan and the Macho Man's affair was too
much to bare.
Meanwhile
Hulk Hogan: Where the hell are we?!?
Macho Man: It looks like the Slim Jim set; or maybe the home of Wrestlemania V. (Damn Alzheimer's)
Darkness soon falls. . .
Hogan: You know somethin brotha, lookin at this place reminds me of "Thunder in Paradise." It brings back so
many memories. . .(sniff, sniff)
Macho Man: Oooooh Yeah! The Macho Man is prepared to do whatever it takes to get out of here. Hogan, why
don't we find somewhere to "sleep."
Hogan: You read my mind, brotha!
At the WWFCW studios
Mean Gene: Folks, I have come across some major news! I had to go all the way to Anchorage, Alaska for this! I
just received news from Austin, Texas that Gorilla Monsoon is dead; and has been for around eight years! We have
been swindled, folks! Whoever this guy pretending to be Gorilla Monsoon is, he sure is good! On a related note,
sources from the underworld tell me that the Warrior is working as an XFL referee, but that lead has yet to check
out.
At the McMahon estate
Vince McMahon: Just where does Okerlund get these stories?!? All this stress has just about forced me to do
something that I swore I would never do again. . .return to wrestling!!
Shane McMahon: Wait a minute, pop. What are you going to do about this?
Vince: Let's just say that daddy's got a plan.
Episode 2
Vince McMahon has devised some sort of plan to restore order to the wrestling world. No one knows just what he
has in mind, but soon everyone will know. Meanwhile, the Undertaker has hired some wrestlers to search for the
warrior.
Undertaker: Alright listen up! You are here for one reason and one reason only; to find the Warrior. Now, we
don't have a lot of time, so I want you to split up and find his ass!
Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat: Where do we start?
Undertaker: You take your men to the XFL games and look for him there. Cocoa B. Ware, you and your men go
to Calgary-Alberta. Stu Hart is waiting for you. Giant Gonzales, head for the boarder; I have acquired the services
of some of the top luchadors in Mexican wrestling. They will assist you there.
Roddy Piper: Undertaker, why didn't you send me out there!?! I know just where the Warrior likes to hide!
Undertaker: You need to stay here with me baby, besides, I don't think you're tough enough.
Roddy Piper: You wanna talk about tuff!?! I'm the definition of tuff! I once wrestled three gorillas and two drunk
Germans in the same night! I'm the one who fought off an entire fleet of Martians in 1979! I am tuff, tuff, tuff!
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find Mr. Teddy so I can take my afternoon nap!
In an insane asylum. . .
Scott Hall: Hey Yo! Qué Pasó? Tú Madre es un pinche puta! Hey Mean Gene, no vales verga, wey! Ay, pinche
cavrón, chupa tu madre panocha!
Nurse: Scott, it's time for your bath.
Hall: Take a look at the "Bad Guy," chico. I am Razor Ramòn, and I am oozing machismo! You want to bath me,
but you can't cuz I'm just too sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Nurse: I don't get paid enough for this sh!t. I remember when I wrestled in Birmingham, Alabama; they paid me
$600 to wrestle Big Bertha. Nowadays I can't even get a gig wrestling a circus midget! I'm in this damn nut house
taking care of punks like this!
Hall: Who you callin a punk, you fat sac of sh!t?!?
Jim Ross: Oh no! Razor, I mean Scott Hall just gave the Outsider's Edge to Henry O. Godwin! Stop this! Stop
this!
Bobby Henan: We have pure pandemonium!
Buff Bagwell: I Buff, and I'm the stuff!
Rick Steiner: Bite me. (preferably on the scrotum)
Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner: If you want the hook up, holla if you hear me!!! I'm a genetic freak! I was born
with three left nuts and a swollen scrotum!
Jerry Lawler: What the hell is this?!? It's the Taskmaster!
Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan: It's edged in stone!
The Yhetti: Mmmm, ummmmm, rrrrrrrrr, mmmm!
Tony Shavoni: We have fights breaking out everywhere! How did all this happen?!?
Reader: I have a better question; how the hell did you guys just appear in this nursing home!?! What kind of
f@!ked up sh!t is this!
Jim Ross: Anything can happen in the WWFCW! Let me tell you about the year 1978. . .
Henan: Is that who I think it is?!?!
Shavoni: It looks like it could be, Bobby.
Henan: How would you know? It is! It's, it's it's Men on a Mission!
Moe from M.O.M.: Let's kick some butt, Mabel!
Mabel from M.O.M.: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg!
Jim Ross: Mabel just splashed Buff Bagwell! Oh no, he's going after the referee!
Henan: That's no ref, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Kevin Sullivan just slammed the Yhetti!
Henan: that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's
Lawler: It's Mike Tyson!
Mike Tyson: That's absolutely ludicrous!
Jim Ross: Tyson just nailed both of the Steiner brothers! What the hell!
Shavoni: Here comes Karl Malone!
Karl Malone: I came here to lick some ass!
Jim Ross: Lawrence Taylor! Lawrence Taylor!
Lawrence Taylor: I want a piece of you, Mabel!
Lawler: Here comes Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man!
American Man music plays
Hogan: Yes brotha! We made it out of there?!? Wait, what's going on? A fight! I love it when it rough!
Macho Man: You didn't last night!
Hogan: Nevermind that!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!
Michael Buffer: The winner of this match. . .Scott Putski!
Shavoni, Lawler, and Jim Ross in unison: What the hell!!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Episode 3
The wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy! Wrestlers from all over the world are trying to get in on the
action! Mr. McMahon has put his "master plan" on hold in order to sort out all the chaos. In the meantime, Hogan
has an idea of his "O.W.N."
Hogan: You know somethin' brotha, I think that it's about time that we started looking for the Warrior again.
Macho Man: Hulkster, I think you've finally caught up with me. You're startin to lose it, man. We tried to work
with the Warrior before, but it fell by the well-side!
Hogan: That's wayside, Macho.
Macho Man: Sorry. (Damn Alzheimer's)
Hogan: What I mean is brotha we can find the Warrior and set him up! Everyone is tryin to find him, and if we get
to him first, we can cash in! Not only that, but with the Warrior out of the picture, we can dominate the wrestling
world! Think about it brotha, wouldn't you love to be on top of the world again? We could own wrestling!!
Macho Man: It sounds good, Hulkster, but you have screwed me over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and
over, and over, and over. . .
Hogan: I get the point, Macho. Besides, you liked it!
Macho Man: Not that screwed! What I mean is, you always come up with these schemes, and they never work!
The N.W.O., the Golden Hulkamaniacs, none of them!! I don't wanna be a part of some cheesy plot that sends me
right back to the retirement home!
Hogan: Come on, Mach. Just one more time. Please, I promise that we will succeed.
Macho Man: We better, or else we're through!
Meanwhile, at WWFCW studios
Shavoni: This has been one incredible week in wrestling! What do you think about all this, Bobby?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: My thoughts exactly!
Jim Ross: Business is about to pick up right about now. Why don't I tell you about my life on the farm. See back
in the 1950's. . . . . . . . .
Lawler: There's no time for that now! We need to see if we can get some inside information from Mean Gene! We
have Gene on the line live from Saudi Arabia. Gene, are you there?
Mean Gene: I'm here in Pakistan trying to get a lead on the whereabouts of the Warrior. I just spoke to a man who
claims that the warrior is in Africa bonding with the Umbùtu Tribe, but that story has yet to check out. Also, I hear
that there are some rumors goin around backstage about a love triangle between Mr. McMahon, Poppy Chulo, and
Scott Steiner. I going to go to the McMahon estate later this week and have a "one-on-one" with the boss himself,
just as soon as I check on my BIGGEST story!
Shavoni: What's that, Gene?
Mean Gene: You won't believe this, but sources say that the WWF and WCW are merging to form the WWFCW!
I don't know about this, folks, but I'll keep you posted.
Lawler: But Gene, that happened over two years ago!
Mean Gene: That would explain so much! Henan, you should update your sources!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Jim Ross: Well that's all the time we have for this week!
Somewhere out there. . .
Giant Gonzales: Ay Carumba! Es muy frìo! No tengo huevos!
Luchador 1: This guy is an idiot! How could he honestly think that we're luchadors! I'm just happy knowing that
Hogan is paying me for this!
Luchador 2: Yep! Finally I can go home with an honest paycheck! No more wrestling in Neverland Valley Ranch
for me!
Episode 4
The Warrior still has yet to resurface. No one knows where he is! Mr. McMahon has two problems; finding the
Warrior and uncovering the identity of the Gorilla Monsoon impersonator. The pay-per-view has come and gone,
and the Ministry is starting to unravel.
Undertaker: Those stupid bastards still haven't found the Warrior! What does it take to get someone who knows
what they are doing to do it!!
Roddy Piper: Let me tell you somethin, Undertaker; I have never been told what to do. No one, not Eric Bischoff,
not Vince McMahon, not Ted Turner, tells the Rowdy One what to do! If you want to find the Warrior, why don't
you go out there and find him yourself!!
Ric Flair: Whooooooooooooooo! I am the Nature Boy!! The Warrior is out there somewhere, and I know why he
won't show; he's afraid that I will beat his a$$ just like I did back in '86! He doesn't want anymore of the Nature
Boy! Whooooooooooooooo!
Undertaker: Shut up, Flair! You are nothing more than a washed up has-been, you need to find another career,
because your old age has robbed you of your ability to wrestle! I bet I could beat you're a$$ with my hands tied to
my ankles!!
Ric Flair: Well why don't you put that in writing and let's see who beats who!
Undertaker: You got it!
Roddy Piper: Listen guys, we don't have time for this sh!t! What we need to focus on is findin the Warrior and
taking over the wrestling world like we planned!
Ric Flair: You shut up you sorry fat a$$ punk bitch!
Roddy Piper: How can you call me a punk bitch!?! I'm tuff! I once had sex with Andre the Giant four times in a
row, THEN went out ant beat Hulk Hogan for the title! That's tuff! You wanna talk about tuff!?! I'm the man who
17 power-bombs from Kevin Nash, and survived! I'm the man who had sex with the Warrior just to be included in
these sequels! I'm the man who. . .
At the McMahon estate
Mr. McMahon: Dammit, my nuts itch!! Where the hell is Bob Backlund when you need him?!?
Butler (Savio Vega): Sir, there is a call for you on line one!
Mr. McMahon: I'll take it in here, thank you. Hello?
Voice over the phone: It's time, it's time! It's Vader Time!!
Mr. McMahon: Who the hell is this?
Voice: You know who I am, Vince! You have made my life a living hell, and now I have returned to make your life
a living hell!!
Mr. McMahon: What are you talking about? Who is this?
Voice: I guess everyone knows my secret by now. Well, that's just all well and fine. But they will never figure out
who I am! No one will ever know! You may think you know, but you don't!
Mr. McMahon: Listen dammit; if you do not have the testicular fortitude to face me, don't waste my time with
these games! I have an important business to run and you are nothing but a distraction! Besides, I was just about to
get my daily "checkup" when you interrupted me! Why don't you waste someone else's time, because mine is too
valuable!
Voice: Have it your way, Vince. You'll soon know just who I am, and when you find out, you will be sorry you
every f@!ked with me! Now can you dig that!!?!!
Somewhere in Siberia
Mean Gene: Folks I have so much to talk about that I can't discuss it all right now! I got so many stories that it
would takes weeks to tell you about all of them! Folks, you won't believe what I have been hearing from my
sources all around the world! I got so many stories. . . .
Jim Ross: Spit it out, Gene.
Mean Gene: Well, I am here in Siberia with a man who claims that he has SLEPT with the Warrior on several
occasions! We're gonna try to get a word with this man. Excuse me, sir; would you like to comment on your
statement?
Siberian: (talking in unknown language)
Mean Gene: There you have it, folks. Straight from the horse's mouth so to speak. Well, another story I have been
hearing from a lot of people is that the Warrior is in San Antonio, selling snow cones outside of the Alamo! I don't
know if this is true, but we are sending a camera crew down there to check it out. The crew will arrive there just in
time for Sunday's pay-per-view event!
Jim Ross: Wow! That is big news, Gene! How did you obtain such information?
Mean Gene: As you know, Jim, a good reporter never reveals his sources. But let's just say that I had to practically
"lie down" for it.
Jim Ross: What do you think that means Bobby?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
The main event match has been set for the next pay-per-view; a triple threat match including all three members of
the Ministry: Undertaker, Roddy Piper, and Ric Flair! With this news, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco have gone
back into retirement to share the rest of their lives together. Vince McMahon is especially happy with this news;
now he can once again spend time with his "best friends." Meanwhile, Hogan and the Macho Man are busy
searching for the Warrior.
Hogan: Hey, Macho; you think we're on the right track?
Macho Man: Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! I ain't no punk bitch! I know that we are lost, Hogan!
You promised that this wouldn't happen! I can't believe that you did this to me!
Hogan: Calm down, Macho. I know where we are, I'm just not sure that this is the way to the Warrior.
Macho Man: We should've just stayed home and waited for Mean Gene to come up with something!
Hogan: You know that Mean Gene can't be trusted! Knowin Gene, he would have said some crap like the Warrior
is in San Antonio selling snow cones or some sh!t like that!
Episode 5
With the main event just moments away, the wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy! Wrestlers are coming
from everywhere to see the big match.
Jim Ross: We're here in San Antonio, folks anticipating the main event! We have seen so many superstars that it is
unbelievable! Look, Bobby! Is that who I think it is!?!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: That's Bret Hart!
Bret Hart: I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!
Jim Ross: Business is sure about to pick up now!
Bret Hart: Not you again! I'm gonna kick you a$$ once and for all!
Lawler: Oh no! Bret Hart has Jim Ross in the Sharp Shooter! Stop this! Stop this! Wait a minute, what did I just
say? Oh my GOD, he wearing on me! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Shavoni: Jim Ross's leg is gonna snap! No Bret, NO!
Lawler: Here comes the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
H.B.K.: Hey Jim, how's it goin?
Jim Ross: Stop this! Stop this!
Bret Hart: Shut UP!!!!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Sweet Chin Music on Bret Hart!
Music plays
Road Dogg: Oh you didn't know. . . . . . . . . . .
Big Show: Welllllllllllllllll, well it's the Big Show!
Eddie Guerrero: Latino Heat!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: I can smell the excitement in the air!
Lawler: Sorry.
Mr. McMahon appears, and grabs a microphone.
Mr. McMahon: Alright that's enough! Stop it now. NOW, DAMMIT! Listen, I did not pay all this good money
for you people to come out here and screw up everything! If you have a problem or want a contract, come and see
me! Otherwise, get the hell outta here, I have a main event about to start!
Man in a black trench coat and mask appears with a microphone.
Mystery Man: Vince, I told you that you would soon know who I am! Now the time has come to reveal myself!
Shavoni: He's taking off the mask! Who is he?!?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Lawler: Oh my GOD, it's Gorilla Monsoon!
Mr. McMahon: What kind of game are you trying to play here! Everyone know that you are not Gorilla Monsoon!
Show yourself you coward!!!
Lights go out and Undertaker's old music plays
Shavoni: Here comes the Undertaker! Look! Here comes Piper from the rafters!
Lawler: And there's Ric Flair coming from the stands!
The three men enter the ring simultaneously.
Roddy Piper: You people have exactly five seconds to get the hell out of this ring or else the three of us are going
to kick you a$$es!!
Undertaker: One, two, five!!!
Lawler: Oh my GOD, look!! There is pure pandemonium in the ring! There has to be at least 45 wrestlers in the
ring, and only three of them belong.
Shavoni: What the hell is going on!?! Oh no! Look who's back!! It's Mìl Máscares and Villànos 1-93! I don't
believe it!
Mìl Máscares: Let's go!
Lawler: Look! There are doing a number on Vince McMahon! What the hell is going on here?!?!?
Jim Ross: This is a real slobber-knocker! Business has just picked up!
Bret Hart: I'm gonna kill you!
H.B.K.: Not today, pal!
Shavoni: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh! Bret Hart was just hit with more Sweet Chin Music!
Lawler: Look, here come the Four Horsemen!
Arn Anderson: It's all about tradition! It's all about. . . . . . .
Kevin Nash: Me kickin you're a$$!!!
Lawler: Powerbomb! Powerbomb on Arn Anderson!!
Ric Flair staggers to a corner, and clutches the turnbuckle!
Lawler: Look! Flair is having heart attack! Oh my GOD!! Flair's dropped dead! Flair's dropped dead!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Here comes Demolition!
Lawler: And the Legion of Doom!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Henan: unbelievable!
Shavoni: Henan spoke another word! Henan spoke another word!
Lawler: Incredible!
Roddy Piper grabs harness to whip Steiner with and gets tangled in it.
Lawler: Oh my! Piper is elevating! He's caught in the harness!
Shavoni: Oh GOD! Piper is choking to death. Wait! The harness is lowering but I think it's too late!
Roddy Piper: I told you guys I was tuff! Urgh, cough, cough!
Shavoni: Where is that Mystery Man?!?
Mystery Man: Right here!
Standing in the ring is the only man who is still standing. Everyone else is lying on their backs. The masked man
grabs Vince.
Mystery Man: Vince, you never gave me the chance to shine! You never gave me the credit I deserved! Then you
consolidated both organizations and left me with no job, no money, no LIFE!!!! It's payback time, bitch!!
Takes off his mask
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Lawler: What the hell?!? Howard Finkell?!?!
Finkell: That's right, Vince; it was me all along! I told you that you would be sorry! You tried to screw me and
now I am gonna screw you right here on national television. . .literally!
Mr. McMahon: You don't understand, I never wanted to. . .
Finkell: Shut up! You never wanted to keep me! I know it! Look at them, Vince! Look at the masked men that
were supposed to be luchadors! Do you see who they are!?!
Lawler: Look! It's Michael Cole, the Coach, Michael Hayes, Tazz, Mark Madden, and Mike Tenay!
Michael Cole: Vince you screwed us all! Now you will pay for what you have don. . . . . . . . .
. . . .TALK TO ME WARRIORS!!!! HOW DARE YOU HOLD A PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT
WITHOUT THE GREATEST ENTITY IN WRESTLING!?! HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE
WARRIOR AS A HAS BEEN?!? YOU MUST HAVE SOME NERVE TO UNDERESTIMATE
THE POWER OF THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT!! I HAVE SAT BACK AND WATCHED AS
YOU PEOPLE HAVE SEARCHED FOR ME! YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC LITTLE
WEAKLINGS! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE WARRIOR!
I AM THE WARRIOR! I AM THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! I AM THE MOST MYSTIFYING
ENTITY IN ALL OF WRESTLING HISTORY! NO ONE HAS EVER CAPTIVATED FANS
LIKE I HAVE! NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO COMPETE WITH MY
MAGNITUDE! IT IS DESTRUCTION AND DEATH THAT YOU SEEK, WHILE I SEARCH
FOR THE EVERLASTING TRUTH! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO LACE UP THE
WARRIOR'S BOOTS! YOU CAN'T EVEN. . .
Shavoni Whispers to Lawler as Warrior speaks.
Shavoni: He sure is long-winded!
. . . .WHEN YOU ARE AS INCREDIBLE AS I AM, YOU CAN NEVER BE DESTROYED! I
AM THE WARRIOR, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM MY WRATH!
THOSE WHO CROSS ME ALWAYS END UP BEING DESTROYED! I CANNOT BE
DESTROYED! I HAVE THE POWER OF THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT NO ONE CAN
DEAFEAT! I HAVE ALL POWER, ALL-OMNIPOTENT POWER! BOW DOWN TO THE
ULTIMATE WARRIOR! BOW DOWN TO THE MAN WHO CAN WORK THE MIKE FOR
HOURS AND HOURS ON END, SAYING NOTHING BUT THE SAME DUMB SH!T OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! BOW DOWN TO THE
GREATEST, MOST UNBELIEVABLE ENTITY IN ALL THE UNIVERSE! I AM
UNSTOPPABLE! I AM THE. . . .
Man trips on his way to the ring and falls on the Warrior. ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!! The Warrior has been
pinned!!!!
Michael Buffer: The Winner of the match. . . . .
Man rolls over to reveal himself.
Michael Buffer: The Renegade!
Jim Ross & Lawler in unison: WHO!
Shavoni: You see, he was a WCW superstar. We tried to pass him as the Ultimate Warrior, but it didn't last very
long. There have been rumors that he is the son of the Warrior, but no one has confirmed it yet.
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Mean Gene: Hold on a minute, folks, I'm gonna try to get a word with the Renegade. Renegade, what is your
purpose here?
Renegade: What the hell is goin on here? What just happened?
Mean Gene: You just pinned the Warrior! How does that feel?
Renegade: Pinned the Warrior, what are you talking about?
Mean Gene: You fell on the Warrior and won the match! How does that feel?
Renegade: Oh sh!t!! You mean that I won the main event!?!
Mean Gene: YES!!!!!
Renegade: Well in that case. . . . .
TALK TO ME RENEGADE FOLLOWERS!!!!!! I HAVE COME TO LEAD YOU INTO A
NEW GENERATION OF WRESTLING! MY FOLLOWERS, THE UH, THE UH, THE. . . .
RENEGADE EXPRESS HAVE HELPED ME TO DISCOVER WHAT MY DESTINY IS! I
AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THE O.W.N. IS FINALLY FINISHED!!! NO LONGER
WILL YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE WARRIOR BABBLE ON AND ON ABOUT CRAP
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WRESTLING! YOU HAVE ME TO DO THAT
NOW!! I AM TAKING WRESTLING TO ANOTHER LEVEL! BOW DOWN TO ME, FOR I
AM THE RENEGADE, AND I AM FOREVER!!!!!!!!
Mean Gene: Well there you have it, folks. There is a new leader in wrestling and he is the RENAGADE!!!!
Lights dim and "American Made" song plays.
Shavoni: Could it be? Could that be. . .
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
A half-naked Hulk Hogan appears in the entranceway and behind him is the Macho Man, wearing nothing but a
Slim Jim wrapper on his. . . .
Jim Ross: That's Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man Randy Savage! Where have they been all this time!!!!
Macho Man: Hogan, you'd better know where we are! I mean it! If you don't, I'm packin my bags and I'm getting
the hell outta here!
Hogan: Mach, would you look around? We are at the pay-per-view! We are at the big dance!!
Macho Man: But what about the Warrior?
Hogan: LOOK! Isn't that the Warrior right there, brotha?
Macho Man: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! That's the Warrior. . .wait; that's no Warrior,
that's that punk bitch Renegade!!!
Hogan: Rena-who?
Macho Man: Don't you remember? He wrestled in WCW. He was our Warrior wanna-be.
Hogan: That's right! He was, wasn't he!?!
Macho Man: You said we would find the Warrior, not some cheap imitation!
Mean Gene: I don't mean to interrupt you guys, but the wrestling world would like to know just where the two of
you have been all this time.
Hogan: Well you know somethin brotha, me and the Macho Man have been out there searchin and huntin! We've
looked high, and we've looked low, tryin to find the Warrior! That coward has disappeared for good! He was never
ready to face me again!
Mean Gene: Well, the Warrior is there. He was just beaten by the Renegade!
THAT'S RIGHT! I DID SOMETHIN THAT YOU COULD NEVER DO; PIN THE
WARRIOR!! I AM NOW THE SUPREME LEADER!!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME I AM THE
RENEGADE! I AM THE ONE WITH THE EVERLASTING POWER NOW!!!! I AM THE
ONE WHO. . . .
Mean Gene: We get your point!
SO LEAVE THIS PLACE, HOGAN!! GO BACK TO BEING A FAMILY MAN AND LEAVE
THE WRESTLING WORLD TO ME!!!! DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT, HOGAN!!!
LEAVE!!!!
With a tear in his eye, Hulk Hogan walks back up the isle to retire. . .for good!!! He stops and turns.
Hogan: Aren't you coming, Mach?
Macho Man: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! I gotta stay here, man! Renegade, do you need a bitch, I
mean assistant?
I COULD USE A CRAFTY VETERAN SUCH AS YOU. CUM WITH ME AND I WILL
SHOW YOU THE WAY!!!!
With that, the Renegade and the Macho Man leave the arena, holding hands and skipping away, satisfied at their
victory!
THE END!
Millennium Madness
Episode 1
The wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy with the arrival of Gorilla Monsoon, Pat Patterson, and Gerald
Brisco. The three have challenged the newly formed Ministry (Undertaker, Ric Flair, and Rowdy Roddy Piper) to a
match at the upcoming pay-per-view. The wrestling world is still in shock over the all out disappearance of the
wrestlers that participated in the Main Event of the last pay-per-view. Mean Gene has been on the case and has
found out some groundbreaking news!
Mean Gene: Folks, I have so much information to tell it's ridiculous! Everything from Hogan's dirty panties, to
Macho Man's affair with Chavo Guerrero! In addition, I hear that the Warrior is now wrestling for The Village
People in a gay bar down in Australia, but that story has yet to check out. In related news, Doug Flutie has gone
back to the NFL. He told me in an exclusive interview that the pain of Hogan and the Macho Man's affair was too
much to bare.
Meanwhile
Hulk Hogan: Where the hell are we?!?
Macho Man: It looks like the Slim Jim set; or maybe the home of Wrestlemania V. (Damn Alzheimer's)
Darkness soon falls. . .
Hogan: You know somethin brotha, lookin at this place reminds me of "Thunder in Paradise." It brings back so
many memories. . .(sniff, sniff)
Macho Man: Oooooh Yeah! The Macho Man is prepared to do whatever it takes to get out of here. Hogan, why
don't we find somewhere to "sleep."
Hogan: You read my mind, brotha!
At the WWFCW studios
Mean Gene: Folks, I have come across some major news! I had to go all the way to Anchorage, Alaska for this! I
just received news from Austin, Texas that Gorilla Monsoon is dead; and has been for around eight years! We have
been swindled, folks! Whoever this guy pretending to be Gorilla Monsoon is, he sure is good! On a related note,
sources from the underworld tell me that the Warrior is working as an XFL referee, but that lead has yet to check
out.
At the McMahon estate
Vince McMahon: Just where does Okerlund get these stories?!? All this stress has just about forced me to do
something that I swore I would never do again. . .return to wrestling!!
Shane McMahon: Wait a minute, pop. What are you going to do about this?
Vince: Let's just say that daddy's got a plan.
Episode 2
Vince McMahon has devised some sort of plan to restore order to the wrestling world. No one knows just what he
has in mind, but soon everyone will know. Meanwhile, the Undertaker has hired some wrestlers to search for the
warrior.
Undertaker: Alright listen up! You are here for one reason and one reason only; to find the Warrior. Now, we
don't have a lot of time, so I want you to split up and find his ass!
Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat: Where do we start?
Undertaker: You take your men to the XFL games and look for him there. Cocoa B. Ware, you and your men go
to Calgary-Alberta. Stu Hart is waiting for you. Giant Gonzales, head for the boarder; I have acquired the services
of some of the top luchadors in Mexican wrestling. They will assist you there.
Roddy Piper: Undertaker, why didn't you send me out there!?! I know just where the Warrior likes to hide!
Undertaker: You need to stay here with me baby, besides, I don't think you're tough enough.
Roddy Piper: You wanna talk about tuff!?! I'm the definition of tuff! I once wrestled three gorillas and two drunk
Germans in the same night! I'm the one who fought off an entire fleet of Martians in 1979! I am tuff, tuff, tuff!
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find Mr. Teddy so I can take my afternoon nap!
In an insane asylum. . .
Scott Hall: Hey Yo! Qué Pasó? Tú Madre es un pinche puta! Hey Mean Gene, no vales verga, wey! Ay, pinche
cavrón, chupa tu madre panocha!
Nurse: Scott, it's time for your bath.
Hall: Take a look at the "Bad Guy," chico. I am Razor Ramòn, and I am oozing machismo! You want to bath me,
but you can't cuz I'm just too sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Nurse: I don't get paid enough for this sh!t. I remember when I wrestled in Birmingham, Alabama; they paid me
$600 to wrestle Big Bertha. Nowadays I can't even get a gig wrestling a circus midget! I'm in this damn nut house
taking care of punks like this!
Hall: Who you callin a punk, you fat sac of sh!t?!?
Jim Ross: Oh no! Razor, I mean Scott Hall just gave the Outsider's Edge to Henry O. Godwin! Stop this! Stop
this!
Bobby Henan: We have pure pandemonium!
Buff Bagwell: I Buff, and I'm the stuff!
Rick Steiner: Bite me. (preferably on the scrotum)
Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner: If you want the hook up, holla if you hear me!!! I'm a genetic freak! I was born
with three left nuts and a swollen scrotum!
Jerry Lawler: What the hell is this?!? It's the Taskmaster!
Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan: It's edged in stone!
The Yhetti: Mmmm, ummmmm, rrrrrrrrr, mmmm!
Tony Shavoni: We have fights breaking out everywhere! How did all this happen?!?
Reader: I have a better question; how the hell did you guys just appear in this nursing home!?! What kind of
f@!ked up sh!t is this!
Jim Ross: Anything can happen in the WWFCW! Let me tell you about the year 1978. . .
Henan: Is that who I think it is?!?!
Shavoni: It looks like it could be, Bobby.
Henan: How would you know? It is! It's, it's it's Men on a Mission!
Moe from M.O.M.: Let's kick some butt, Mabel!
Mabel from M.O.M.: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg!
Jim Ross: Mabel just splashed Buff Bagwell! Oh no, he's going after the referee!
Henan: That's no ref, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Kevin Sullivan just slammed the Yhetti!
Henan: that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's
Lawler: It's Mike Tyson!
Mike Tyson: That's absolutely ludicrous!
Jim Ross: Tyson just nailed both of the Steiner brothers! What the hell!
Shavoni: Here comes Karl Malone!
Karl Malone: I came here to lick some ass!
Jim Ross: Lawrence Taylor! Lawrence Taylor!
Lawrence Taylor: I want a piece of you, Mabel!
Lawler: Here comes Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man!
American Man music plays
Hogan: Yes brotha! We made it out of there?!? Wait, what's going on? A fight! I love it when it rough!
Macho Man: You didn't last night!
Hogan: Nevermind that!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!
Michael Buffer: The winner of this match. . .Scott Putski!
Shavoni, Lawler, and Jim Ross in unison: What the hell!!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Episode 3
The wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy! Wrestlers from all over the world are trying to get in on the
action! Mr. McMahon has put his "master plan" on hold in order to sort out all the chaos. In the meantime, Hogan
has an idea of his "O.W.N."
Hogan: You know somethin' brotha, I think that it's about time that we started looking for the Warrior again.
Macho Man: Hulkster, I think you've finally caught up with me. You're startin to lose it, man. We tried to work
with the Warrior before, but it fell by the well-side!
Hogan: That's wayside, Macho.
Macho Man: Sorry. (Damn Alzheimer's)
Hogan: What I mean is brotha we can find the Warrior and set him up! Everyone is tryin to find him, and if we get
to him first, we can cash in! Not only that, but with the Warrior out of the picture, we can dominate the wrestling
world! Think about it brotha, wouldn't you love to be on top of the world again? We could own wrestling!!
Macho Man: It sounds good, Hulkster, but you have screwed me over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and
over, and over, and over. . .
Hogan: I get the point, Macho. Besides, you liked it!
Macho Man: Not that screwed! What I mean is, you always come up with these schemes, and they never work!
The N.W.O., the Golden Hulkamaniacs, none of them!! I don't wanna be a part of some cheesy plot that sends me
right back to the retirement home!
Hogan: Come on, Mach. Just one more time. Please, I promise that we will succeed.
Macho Man: We better, or else we're through!
Meanwhile, at WWFCW studios
Shavoni: This has been one incredible week in wrestling! What do you think about all this, Bobby?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: My thoughts exactly!
Jim Ross: Business is about to pick up right about now. Why don't I tell you about my life on the farm. See back
in the 1950's. . . . . . . . .
Lawler: There's no time for that now! We need to see if we can get some inside information from Mean Gene! We
have Gene on the line live from Saudi Arabia. Gene, are you there?
Mean Gene: I'm here in Pakistan trying to get a lead on the whereabouts of the Warrior. I just spoke to a man who
claims that the warrior is in Africa bonding with the Umbùtu Tribe, but that story has yet to check out. Also, I hear
that there are some rumors goin around backstage about a love triangle between Mr. McMahon, Poppy Chulo, and
Scott Steiner. I going to go to the McMahon estate later this week and have a "one-on-one" with the boss himself,
just as soon as I check on my BIGGEST story!
Shavoni: What's that, Gene?
Mean Gene: You won't believe this, but sources say that the WWF and WCW are merging to form the WWFCW!
I don't know about this, folks, but I'll keep you posted.
Lawler: But Gene, that happened over two years ago!
Mean Gene: That would explain so much! Henan, you should update your sources!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Jim Ross: Well that's all the time we have for this week!
Somewhere out there. . .
Giant Gonzales: Ay Carumba! Es muy frìo! No tengo huevos!
Luchador 1: This guy is an idiot! How could he honestly think that we're luchadors! I'm just happy knowing that
Hogan is paying me for this!
Luchador 2: Yep! Finally I can go home with an honest paycheck! No more wrestling in Neverland Valley Ranch
for me!
Episode 4
The Warrior still has yet to resurface. No one knows where he is! Mr. McMahon has two problems; finding the
Warrior and uncovering the identity of the Gorilla Monsoon impersonator. The pay-per-view has come and gone,
and the Ministry is starting to unravel.
Undertaker: Those stupid bastards still haven't found the Warrior! What does it take to get someone who knows
what they are doing to do it!!
Roddy Piper: Let me tell you somethin, Undertaker; I have never been told what to do. No one, not Eric Bischoff,
not Vince McMahon, not Ted Turner, tells the Rowdy One what to do! If you want to find the Warrior, why don't
you go out there and find him yourself!!
Ric Flair: Whooooooooooooooo! I am the Nature Boy!! The Warrior is out there somewhere, and I know why he
won't show; he's afraid that I will beat his a$$ just like I did back in '86! He doesn't want anymore of the Nature
Boy! Whooooooooooooooo!
Undertaker: Shut up, Flair! You are nothing more than a washed up has-been, you need to find another career,
because your old age has robbed you of your ability to wrestle! I bet I could beat you're a$$ with my hands tied to
my ankles!!
Ric Flair: Well why don't you put that in writing and let's see who beats who!
Undertaker: You got it!
Roddy Piper: Listen guys, we don't have time for this sh!t! What we need to focus on is findin the Warrior and
taking over the wrestling world like we planned!
Ric Flair: You shut up you sorry fat a$$ punk bitch!
Roddy Piper: How can you call me a punk bitch!?! I'm tuff! I once had sex with Andre the Giant four times in a
row, THEN went out ant beat Hulk Hogan for the title! That's tuff! You wanna talk about tuff!?! I'm the man who
17 power-bombs from Kevin Nash, and survived! I'm the man who had sex with the Warrior just to be included in
these sequels! I'm the man who. . .
At the McMahon estate
Mr. McMahon: Dammit, my nuts itch!! Where the hell is Bob Backlund when you need him?!?
Butler (Savio Vega): Sir, there is a call for you on line one!
Mr. McMahon: I'll take it in here, thank you. Hello?
Voice over the phone: It's time, it's time! It's Vader Time!!
Mr. McMahon: Who the hell is this?
Voice: You know who I am, Vince! You have made my life a living hell, and now I have returned to make your life
a living hell!!
Mr. McMahon: What are you talking about? Who is this?
Voice: I guess everyone knows my secret by now. Well, that's just all well and fine. But they will never figure out
who I am! No one will ever know! You may think you know, but you don't!
Mr. McMahon: Listen dammit; if you do not have the testicular fortitude to face me, don't waste my time with
these games! I have an important business to run and you are nothing but a distraction! Besides, I was just about to
get my daily "checkup" when you interrupted me! Why don't you waste someone else's time, because mine is too
valuable!
Voice: Have it your way, Vince. You'll soon know just who I am, and when you find out, you will be sorry you
every f@!ked with me! Now can you dig that!!?!!
Somewhere in Siberia
Mean Gene: Folks I have so much to talk about that I can't discuss it all right now! I got so many stories that it
would takes weeks to tell you about all of them! Folks, you won't believe what I have been hearing from my
sources all around the world! I got so many stories. . . .
Jim Ross: Spit it out, Gene.
Mean Gene: Well, I am here in Siberia with a man who claims that he has SLEPT with the Warrior on several
occasions! We're gonna try to get a word with this man. Excuse me, sir; would you like to comment on your
statement?
Siberian: (talking in unknown language)
Mean Gene: There you have it, folks. Straight from the horse's mouth so to speak. Well, another story I have been
hearing from a lot of people is that the Warrior is in San Antonio, selling snow cones outside of the Alamo! I don't
know if this is true, but we are sending a camera crew down there to check it out. The crew will arrive there just in
time for Sunday's pay-per-view event!
Jim Ross: Wow! That is big news, Gene! How did you obtain such information?
Mean Gene: As you know, Jim, a good reporter never reveals his sources. But let's just say that I had to practically
"lie down" for it.
Jim Ross: What do you think that means Bobby?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
The main event match has been set for the next pay-per-view; a triple threat match including all three members of
the Ministry: Undertaker, Roddy Piper, and Ric Flair! With this news, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco have gone
back into retirement to share the rest of their lives together. Vince McMahon is especially happy with this news;
now he can once again spend time with his "best friends." Meanwhile, Hogan and the Macho Man are busy
searching for the Warrior.
Hogan: Hey, Macho; you think we're on the right track?
Macho Man: Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! I ain't no punk bitch! I know that we are lost, Hogan!
You promised that this wouldn't happen! I can't believe that you did this to me!
Hogan: Calm down, Macho. I know where we are, I'm just not sure that this is the way to the Warrior.
Macho Man: We should've just stayed home and waited for Mean Gene to come up with something!
Hogan: You know that Mean Gene can't be trusted! Knowin Gene, he would have said some crap like the Warrior
is in San Antonio selling snow cones or some sh!t like that!
Episode 5
With the main event just moments away, the wrestling world has been thrown into a frenzy! Wrestlers are coming
from everywhere to see the big match.
Jim Ross: We're here in San Antonio, folks anticipating the main event! We have seen so many superstars that it is
unbelievable! Look, Bobby! Is that who I think it is!?!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: That's Bret Hart!
Bret Hart: I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!
Jim Ross: Business is sure about to pick up now!
Bret Hart: Not you again! I'm gonna kick you a$$ once and for all!
Lawler: Oh no! Bret Hart has Jim Ross in the Sharp Shooter! Stop this! Stop this! Wait a minute, what did I just
say? Oh my GOD, he wearing on me! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Shavoni: Jim Ross's leg is gonna snap! No Bret, NO!
Lawler: Here comes the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
H.B.K.: Hey Jim, how's it goin?
Jim Ross: Stop this! Stop this!
Bret Hart: Shut UP!!!!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Sweet Chin Music on Bret Hart!
Music plays
Road Dogg: Oh you didn't know. . . . . . . . . . .
Big Show: Welllllllllllllllll, well it's the Big Show!
Eddie Guerrero: Latino Heat!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: I can smell the excitement in the air!
Lawler: Sorry.
Mr. McMahon appears, and grabs a microphone.
Mr. McMahon: Alright that's enough! Stop it now. NOW, DAMMIT! Listen, I did not pay all this good money
for you people to come out here and screw up everything! If you have a problem or want a contract, come and see
me! Otherwise, get the hell outta here, I have a main event about to start!
Man in a black trench coat and mask appears with a microphone.
Mystery Man: Vince, I told you that you would soon know who I am! Now the time has come to reveal myself!
Shavoni: He's taking off the mask! Who is he?!?
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Lawler: Oh my GOD, it's Gorilla Monsoon!
Mr. McMahon: What kind of game are you trying to play here! Everyone know that you are not Gorilla Monsoon!
Show yourself you coward!!!
Lights go out and Undertaker's old music plays
Shavoni: Here comes the Undertaker! Look! Here comes Piper from the rafters!
Lawler: And there's Ric Flair coming from the stands!
The three men enter the ring simultaneously.
Roddy Piper: You people have exactly five seconds to get the hell out of this ring or else the three of us are going
to kick you a$$es!!
Undertaker: One, two, five!!!
Lawler: Oh my GOD, look!! There is pure pandemonium in the ring! There has to be at least 45 wrestlers in the
ring, and only three of them belong.
Shavoni: What the hell is going on!?! Oh no! Look who's back!! It's Mìl Máscares and Villànos 1-93! I don't
believe it!
Mìl Máscares: Let's go!
Lawler: Look! There are doing a number on Vince McMahon! What the hell is going on here?!?!?
Jim Ross: This is a real slobber-knocker! Business has just picked up!
Bret Hart: I'm gonna kill you!
H.B.K.: Not today, pal!
Shavoni: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh! Bret Hart was just hit with more Sweet Chin Music!
Lawler: Look, here come the Four Horsemen!
Arn Anderson: It's all about tradition! It's all about. . . . . . .
Kevin Nash: Me kickin you're a$$!!!
Lawler: Powerbomb! Powerbomb on Arn Anderson!!
Ric Flair staggers to a corner, and clutches the turnbuckle!
Lawler: Look! Flair is having heart attack! Oh my GOD!! Flair's dropped dead! Flair's dropped dead!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Shavoni: Here comes Demolition!
Lawler: And the Legion of Doom!
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Henan: unbelievable!
Shavoni: Henan spoke another word! Henan spoke another word!
Lawler: Incredible!
Roddy Piper grabs harness to whip Steiner with and gets tangled in it.
Lawler: Oh my! Piper is elevating! He's caught in the harness!
Shavoni: Oh GOD! Piper is choking to death. Wait! The harness is lowering but I think it's too late!
Roddy Piper: I told you guys I was tuff! Urgh, cough, cough!
Shavoni: Where is that Mystery Man?!?
Mystery Man: Right here!
Standing in the ring is the only man who is still standing. Everyone else is lying on their backs. The masked man
grabs Vince.
Mystery Man: Vince, you never gave me the chance to shine! You never gave me the credit I deserved! Then you
consolidated both organizations and left me with no job, no money, no LIFE!!!! It's payback time, bitch!!
Takes off his mask
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Lawler: What the hell?!? Howard Finkell?!?!
Finkell: That's right, Vince; it was me all along! I told you that you would be sorry! You tried to screw me and
now I am gonna screw you right here on national television. . .literally!
Mr. McMahon: You don't understand, I never wanted to. . .
Finkell: Shut up! You never wanted to keep me! I know it! Look at them, Vince! Look at the masked men that
were supposed to be luchadors! Do you see who they are!?!
Lawler: Look! It's Michael Cole, the Coach, Michael Hayes, Tazz, Mark Madden, and Mike Tenay!
Michael Cole: Vince you screwed us all! Now you will pay for what you have don. . . . . . . . .
. . . .TALK TO ME WARRIORS!!!! HOW DARE YOU HOLD A PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT
WITHOUT THE GREATEST ENTITY IN WRESTLING!?! HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE
WARRIOR AS A HAS BEEN?!? YOU MUST HAVE SOME NERVE TO UNDERESTIMATE
THE POWER OF THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT!! I HAVE SAT BACK AND WATCHED AS
YOU PEOPLE HAVE SEARCHED FOR ME! YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC LITTLE
WEAKLINGS! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE WARRIOR!
I AM THE WARRIOR! I AM THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! I AM THE MOST MYSTIFYING
ENTITY IN ALL OF WRESTLING HISTORY! NO ONE HAS EVER CAPTIVATED FANS
LIKE I HAVE! NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO COMPETE WITH MY
MAGNITUDE! IT IS DESTRUCTION AND DEATH THAT YOU SEEK, WHILE I SEARCH
FOR THE EVERLASTING TRUTH! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO LACE UP THE
WARRIOR'S BOOTS! YOU CAN'T EVEN. . .
Shavoni Whispers to Lawler as Warrior speaks.
Shavoni: He sure is long-winded!
. . . .WHEN YOU ARE AS INCREDIBLE AS I AM, YOU CAN NEVER BE DESTROYED! I
AM THE WARRIOR, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM MY WRATH!
THOSE WHO CROSS ME ALWAYS END UP BEING DESTROYED! I CANNOT BE
DESTROYED! I HAVE THE POWER OF THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT NO ONE CAN
DEAFEAT! I HAVE ALL POWER, ALL-OMNIPOTENT POWER! BOW DOWN TO THE
ULTIMATE WARRIOR! BOW DOWN TO THE MAN WHO CAN WORK THE MIKE FOR
HOURS AND HOURS ON END, SAYING NOTHING BUT THE SAME DUMB SH!T OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! BOW DOWN TO THE
GREATEST, MOST UNBELIEVABLE ENTITY IN ALL THE UNIVERSE! I AM
UNSTOPPABLE! I AM THE. . . .
Man trips on his way to the ring and falls on the Warrior. ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!! The Warrior has been
pinned!!!!
Michael Buffer: The Winner of the match. . . . .
Man rolls over to reveal himself.
Michael Buffer: The Renegade!
Jim Ross & Lawler in unison: WHO!
Shavoni: You see, he was a WCW superstar. We tried to pass him as the Ultimate Warrior, but it didn't last very
long. There have been rumors that he is the son of the Warrior, but no one has confirmed it yet.
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
Mean Gene: Hold on a minute, folks, I'm gonna try to get a word with the Renegade. Renegade, what is your
purpose here?
Renegade: What the hell is goin on here? What just happened?
Mean Gene: You just pinned the Warrior! How does that feel?
Renegade: Pinned the Warrior, what are you talking about?
Mean Gene: You fell on the Warrior and won the match! How does that feel?
Renegade: Oh sh!t!! You mean that I won the main event!?!
Mean Gene: YES!!!!!
Renegade: Well in that case. . . . .
TALK TO ME RENEGADE FOLLOWERS!!!!!! I HAVE COME TO LEAD YOU INTO A
NEW GENERATION OF WRESTLING! MY FOLLOWERS, THE UH, THE UH, THE. . . .
RENEGADE EXPRESS HAVE HELPED ME TO DISCOVER WHAT MY DESTINY IS! I
AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THE O.W.N. IS FINALLY FINISHED!!! NO LONGER
WILL YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE WARRIOR BABBLE ON AND ON ABOUT CRAP
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WRESTLING! YOU HAVE ME TO DO THAT
NOW!! I AM TAKING WRESTLING TO ANOTHER LEVEL! BOW DOWN TO ME, FOR I
AM THE RENEGADE, AND I AM FOREVER!!!!!!!!
Mean Gene: Well there you have it, folks. There is a new leader in wrestling and he is the RENAGADE!!!!
Lights dim and "American Made" song plays.
Shavoni: Could it be? Could that be. . .
Henan: that's , that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. . .
A half-naked Hulk Hogan appears in the entranceway and behind him is the Macho Man, wearing nothing but a
Slim Jim wrapper on his. . . .
Jim Ross: That's Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man Randy Savage! Where have they been all this time!!!!
Macho Man: Hogan, you'd better know where we are! I mean it! If you don't, I'm packin my bags and I'm getting
the hell outta here!
Hogan: Mach, would you look around? We are at the pay-per-view! We are at the big dance!!
Macho Man: But what about the Warrior?
Hogan: LOOK! Isn't that the Warrior right there, brotha?
Macho Man: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! That's the Warrior. . .wait; that's no Warrior,
that's that punk bitch Renegade!!!
Hogan: Rena-who?
Macho Man: Don't you remember? He wrestled in WCW. He was our Warrior wanna-be.
Hogan: That's right! He was, wasn't he!?!
Macho Man: You said we would find the Warrior, not some cheap imitation!
Mean Gene: I don't mean to interrupt you guys, but the wrestling world would like to know just where the two of
you have been all this time.
Hogan: Well you know somethin brotha, me and the Macho Man have been out there searchin and huntin! We've
looked high, and we've looked low, tryin to find the Warrior! That coward has disappeared for good! He was never
ready to face me again!
Mean Gene: Well, the Warrior is there. He was just beaten by the Renegade!
THAT'S RIGHT! I DID SOMETHIN THAT YOU COULD NEVER DO; PIN THE
WARRIOR!! I AM NOW THE SUPREME LEADER!!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME I AM THE
RENEGADE! I AM THE ONE WITH THE EVERLASTING POWER NOW!!!! I AM THE
ONE WHO. . . .
Mean Gene: We get your point!
SO LEAVE THIS PLACE, HOGAN!! GO BACK TO BEING A FAMILY MAN AND LEAVE
THE WRESTLING WORLD TO ME!!!! DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT, HOGAN!!!
LEAVE!!!!
With a tear in his eye, Hulk Hogan walks back up the isle to retire. . .for good!!! He stops and turns.
Hogan: Aren't you coming, Mach?
Macho Man: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! I gotta stay here, man! Renegade, do you need a bitch, I
mean assistant?
I COULD USE A CRAFTY VETERAN SUCH AS YOU. CUM WITH ME AND I WILL
SHOW YOU THE WAY!!!!
With that, the Renegade and the Macho Man leave the arena, holding hands and skipping away, satisfied at their
victory!
THE END!