AN: So, I took this down, put it back into one story and am re-posting it. THIS IS THE COMPLETE STORY! You really should read it; it is my best work so far! Please review, too! I'd really love your feedback! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
The Tide
The ocean air is stale and fills my lungs with a briny feeling. No matter how much I clear my throat, the sensation refuses to go away. My mouth feels rough and filmy, like I've just swallowed a bunch of salt. I'd like to think that it isn't permanent, but I've lived by the sea my whole life and am fairly certain that I will never be able to take a completely fresh, pure breath of air ever again.
Much like the salt that coats my lungs, an unfathomable sorrow saturates my heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not constantly in danger of completely losing my sanity, or at least that's what it feels like it to me. My mother says that it's just shock and will mend with time, but I know better. Honestly, I don't see how she can be so heartless about the whole thing, but I'm sure whatever she used to have pumping blood to her vitals is now replaced by a bottomless black hole. She's good at not feeling anything.
Me, well not so much. I haven't been able to just pick up the pieces and move on. Maybe that's because there are no pieces, or should I say bodies, to pick up and move on with. I suppose that's why my mind refuses to find solace: their bodies were never recovered. I can never be sure of exactly what happened that fateful day, only that the three most important people in my life were stolen from me.
As tears force their ways into my eyes, I trail a hand through my hair. A small strand comes out in my fingers and I hold it up to the brackish sun. It's brown. Not in the reddish way that Kairi's always seemed to be, or the brighter, almost blonde of Roxas' spikes, and it definitely isn't the snow-white of Namine's, but it still reminds me of them. My hair is plain in comparison, just a boring cinnamon color that holds no depth.
It was that way with everything when it came to me. All my siblings were graced with ethereal beauty and charm, but I was always the black sheep, normal in every way when compared to them. Even to Roxas, my twin in more ways than imaginable, I was a broken down building among an expensive suburb. No one ever openly pointed it out to me, not even my good-for-nothing mother, but the consciousness of it was always there in the back of my mind, gnawing away at my self-confidence bit my bit.
I guess that's why I openly left home when the opportunity arose in the form of a dark portal and unknown enemies. I was the chosen one, the Keyblade Master, unique in a way that no other could ever be. I sucked up the story that I was flung blindly into and left everything behind for a chance to be something special. Little did I know just how much of an impact it was going to have on my loved ones, just how much they actually needed me.
0o0
My feet are cold. They are dangling idly from the edge of the dock I sit on, slowly being swallowed up by the incoming tide. It is a sensation that I have grown accustomed to in the past few years, choosing to spend most of my time out here by the ocean rather than in the seemingly vacant house that resides behind me.
A saline breeze plays across my face, ruffling my spikes as I close my eyes. It is so easy for me to forget the troubles of the world out here where that boundary between the heavens is so incredibly thin. It is calming, awe-inspiring.
I often find myself quite unsure how to react to the raw emotions that the sea portrays, torn between tears one moment and tranquility the next. She can be beautiful, holding all the answers that I am looking for and so much more, but she is also very angry. Rarely does she let it show, but I have sat through a fair share of her violent squalls, and can confidently say that she has some problems… just like me. Sometimes I sit with her during her horrible rants and watch in wonder at her magnificence.
I shake my head. What a fucked up pair we make. Or, rather, what a fucked up kid I am for talking about the sea like it is alive. But as I cast a tentative glance down, searching the cerulean depths of the foamy tide, I wonder just how crazy I actually am.
Shrill laughter finds my ears then, drawing me out of thought and back to the beach where I sit. My blue eyes roll over the bleached sand and piles of similarly colored driftwood to rest on a girl whose hair puts both objects to shame. The straight curtain covers her face and falls to her shoulders. It is the purest of all snow, brighter than the sun. Its stark brilliance makes me flinch away and squint to take in the rest of her.
Namine is lying languidly on her side parallel to a nearby tide pool. Her long fingers are swirling idly in the salty water, a secretive smile on her face like she knows something that the rest of the world doesn't. By all means, she probably does. I can't even fathom the depth of my sister's abilities; it makes me dizzy every time I try.
An abused sketchbook lays open above her head, her other hand skillfully twirling a charcoal stick inches away from the blank surface. As I watch, Namine closes her ice-blue eyes and goes very still. Her face is tranquil and her posture relaxed as the fingers that hold the charcoal begin to spread the substance over the white paper above her. She does it without looking, like there is some unseen image frozen in her mind's eye, like it is second nature.
She is much too far away for me to make out exactly what she is doing, but I have no doubts that she is gleaning for news about our brother. That is one of the talents Namine possesses. She can sketch anyone of us, me, Kairi or Sora, and what we are doing at that exact moment. It is our only way to know what our brother is up to, or if he is even alive anymore.
Thinking about him makes my stomach knot with anguish and I can feel tears coming on, but I stifle them.
I do not cry, not for him.
The dock is rough under my touch as I let my fingers trace its rippled surface. The wood is weathered and stressed, just like my nerves.
I've just never been the same since he left us all alone, thrusting me into adulthood faster than I ever wanted to go. He had taken half of me with him, made me the man of the house, and left me to support my two sisters without the help of our good-for-nothing mother. It had made me hate him, but even more, it made me envy him.
Here I am, all cooped up, unable to leave for fear of my little sisters and what would become of them, while he gets to explore the many worlds in this universe. Sometimes I wish I could be as uncaring as he and just up and leave, forget the shit hole that is my life and actually do something worthwhile, but then the repercussions of my actions catch up with me and I push all those thoughts away. I have a family to care for.
As if on cue, my other sister appears in my peripheral vision, pacing the length of the beach nervously. Kairi is the mirror image of Namine, even though they are sisters. Kairi's hair is a russet color, deep and red with brown undertones. It's cut short and accentuates her strikingly beautiful face, but that's not why she wears it that way. She is the youngest in our family, barely twelve, and her appearance is the last thing on her mind. She's much different from most pre-teen girls I know, who are utterly obsessed with boys or make up or both; the only thing she's obsessed with is Sora. Him leaving had ripped out a part of her soul and she had never been the same.
As I look her over, I notice just how dangerously thin she actually is; her once-tight clothes hang loosely about her frame and her cheeks are slightly sunken in and shallow. She refuses to eat most days, choosing instead to spend her time among the surf waiting for the return of her big brother. Her desire to have him back consumes all she does and she barely ever speaks to me anymore. There is the occasional conversation we will hold about school, or Mom, but it is summer now, and that is when things are the worst for her.
I sigh. It is bad for all of us. There's no learning to distract our wandering minds, no rules in place. Our mother never comes out of her room but to eat every once and a while and she never lets her attention waver from the meal she's making. Sometimes she will mutter something about her take on love and it will make me squeamish. I want to believe in love, want it so bad that it makes me hate my mother when she says things like that.
I used to feel bad for her, right after Dad left, but that was a long time ago. It hadn't been too bad for her in the beginning; she was just a little bit emptier than she had been before, but what made everything go downhill was when Sora left.
I don't know why it affected her the way it did, because she had never been all that attached to him in the first place. He was the oddball, the black sheep. No, I don't think it was actually because he left so much as it was the memories that he ripped open when he did leave. He'd crippled her, not physically, but mentally. All the sudden, father's absence was too much for her to bear. She'd shut down and retreated to her room, but not before she gave us all a good lecture about love and death and heaven and the like.
That conversation, or should I say speech, is still fresh in my mind, as if it had happened two minutes ago instead of two years. I can remember the way her lips formed each syllable, clinging to it like it was the very last sane thing on Earth. For her, it probably was.
0o0
"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die,
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment, and take this advice, live by every word:
Love is just a hoax, so forget anything that you have heard,
And live for the moment, now."
0o0
The shoreline is disappearing quickly, being swallowed up by the foamy torrent of tide. The salty water is lapping at my toes hungrily.
Today, the sea is angry. She is trying to consume me just like she is the sand… and I am letting her.
Today, my will is weak. All I can think about is the men in my life and how much they've let us down. They make my head spin with pain and anger and all the things I have given up because of them. I don't want to do this anymore; I'm losing hope.
I let the sand sift through my fingers and let my thoughts follow it, leaving my mind blank. Sometimes I am like this, absent of all hope and life, wanting nothing more than to let the tide take me, but it never lasts. Something will always pull me out of my misery.
Today, it is Kairi.
She's back to her pacing, but it looks forced, like all she wants to do is sleep. I can tell she's tired, she has to be; I don't think she came back inside last night. Poor girl. It makes my heart bleed, having to see her in such pain, and I am almost positive that the organ is slowly tearing itself in half.
She is dangerously far into the water, and it will only be a few minutes before the tide will be up to her neck, but she doesn't seem to care. However, she does seem to be giving up on her pacing. Her legs are wobbling violently and she has stopped moving. I can tell she's crying again, her frame is shaking with it, further impeding her mobility. I can tell she's going down.
Suddenly frightened, I snap out of myself, jump up, and run to her aid, reaching her just in time to catch the limp body as it falls into the surf. She is cold to the touch and her deep blue eyes are rolled back in her head. Waves crash over us as I struggle to keep her above the brine and bring her back to consciousness with a few shakes of her shoulders.
It's no use; she's as good as gone. I think about how it's a damn good thing she's so skinny, or there's no way I'd be able to carry her to safety.
She is a flaccid rag doll in my arms, clammy and wet, with sea foam and weeds all stuck in her hair. The sand clings to her flesh like a long-lost lover as I set her down by a piece of driftwood, smoothing the bangs back from her eyes. I give her body a soft shake and tap her on the cheek. I call her name over and over, and soon my voice isn't the only one filling the salty air. Namine's long-silent throat calls out to our sister, trying to bring her back to us.
It is a good five minutes before Kairi stirs again, but it comes with open eyes and deeper breaths. My heart slows down and I'm not so worried anymore, but as I look down at her troubled blue orbs, I wonder if my emotions aren't a bit off. I should be terrified by what I see there, that horrible sorrow and loneliness, like being here, alive, was the very last thing she wanted to do.
I whisper her name again, Namine echoing at my back, and run a thumb down her cheek. Her eyes flutter shut with exhaustion and I'm pretty sure she is falling asleep, that or she is just too tired to move anymore. Can't say I blame her.
Removing my hoodie, I drape it over her body and move her out of the sand to a harder surface. The dock is usually my place of solace, but today it is Kairi's place for sleep. I don't mind; I want to keep an eye on her anyways.
I sit down and draw her head into my lap, brushing the damp clumps of hair away from her face. I feel more than see Namine take up a place by Kairi's legs and remove her own jacket to warm her sister's body. For a moment I ponder taking her inside, but I only go in that house when it's absolutely necessary, and I'm pretty sure Kairi just needs some sleep, so I set myself against it. It's not even that cold outside anyways.
I can't remember the last time all three of us were together like this; it's just been so long. Usually, I am watching them from afar, making sure they keep out of trouble but never interfering with what they do. I think this is the first time I've come into physical contact with Kairi since the day our brother left, she's always so distant. I'm sure if she was fully functional at the moment, there's no way in hell she'd be here with me. She would probably take back up on her pacing or try to let the tide swallow her up again.
I let out a long gush of air and hear Namine echo me. My gaze wanders in her direction and I find out that she's watching me intently. Her face is blank, like most days, but her eyes are piercing, as if demanding something. I can see the tiredness hidden in there, behind all that knowledge and talent. She's just as fed up as I am, having to try so desperately everyday to just keep holding on. What she holds on for, I have absolutely no clue. Maybe it is for hope of Sora's return, or maybe it is just sheer stubbornness.
The later seems more likely, seeing as Namine is very strong of heart, always has been. Some days I think that she's perfectly sane, that somehow, she has managed to ward off the sorrow and loneliness that has infected Kairi and me. Then there are the days when I think she's got it worse than either of us, but those are just the days when she fails to get a reading on Sora. Her foresight gives her an advantage, but I am starting to see how it wears upon her. She is so obsessed with keeping tabs on him that she doesn't really do much else. There are hundreds of sketchbooks stacked up in the corner of her room, a mountain that grows every day.
Snapping back to myself, I notice that Namine is crying. Her icy orbs are swimming with it, drowning in the salty liquid. Her gaze hasn't wavered from mine, but the emotions are flowing now like someone threw a switch. I can tell she's tired. Her face reminds me of my own, so full of despair and so exhausted-looking.
I reach out a hand towards her and it feels wrong, awkward, but I do it anyways. She gives me a skeptical look, as if she's unsure what I want, but she places her palm in mine after a while. He fingers are cool and rough, the hands of an artist.
I look away from her to my other sister, who has begun to writhe slightly. Her eyes are open and again I can see that tiredness wallowing there, the sorrow. She tries to sit up and I let her, figuring that if she's strong enough, so be it. Her blue orbs flutter shut, like her world is spinning, but when they open again she points very solidly at the ocean. She struggles to the verge of the dock and throws her feet over the edge, trying her weight on unsteady legs. She collapses and I catch her, wrapping her arm around my shoulders like a human crutch. Namine comes to her other side, mirroring my position, and we help Kairi towards the salty ocean.
The tide is advancing dangerously fast, but Kairi is insistent that we continue. We stop with the foam at out waists and Kairi lets go of my and Namine's shoulders to take our hands instead. Standing beside my sister, I am slightly confused as to why we are doing this. With the rate the tide is coming in, it won't be two minutes until we are all swallowed up completely.
I turn to look at Kairi and see a tranquil vision on her face, like she's made peace with something. It is at that moment that I realize what she means to do. She wants the tide to take us. She wants to feel the salt singe her lungs and smother her throat. She wants the ocean, which has been her only companion for so many years, to be the stopper for her pain.
The realization makes my eyes go wide with fear, but I continue to gaze at her, unable to remember the last time she's looked so peaceful. It warms my heart, seeing her like that, and I know that she has finally made peace with the fact that Sora's never coming back, she's accepted her fate.
Her fingers release Namine's and mine, giving us the rights to our own decisions. I barely even think about it, I want tranquility so bad. I can think of no better way to go than this, with the sea caressing my body, making it sway slightly, the saline wind whipping my hair around, filling my nose with its brackish smell. I'm not even scared.
What makes it perfect is that I have my family with me, standing here hand-in-hand. It makes me feel fuller than I have been in a long time and washes away my loneliness.
It is a clear, cloudless day and the sun is shining bright. The water that swirls around my body is warm and caressing, but it is strong. I can feel it sucking me further into its depths, like a vacuum. It pulls me off my feet and under its crystalline surface in no time flat. A chain-reaction follows, dragging Kairi and Namine down. I manage to grab both of their hands, one on the left and one on the right. It is harder to swim this way, with no use of my arms, but I want to feel them for as long as I can.
I am still holding my breath, but I can feel the foamy seawater pushing against my lips like a lover's velvet tongue. It makes me want to part my mouth, suck the salty liquid in with quick invitations from my struggling lungs. So tempting, but I must hold on a little bit longer.
The ocean is rolling me in her arms, like you would rock a crying child in order to soothe them. It makes me think of my mother, back when she actually used to have a heart. She would hold me like this and whisper lullabies through lips that were pressed fast against my temple. It's like I can feel her voice, a palpable thing, rubbing its way against my brain. It is such a startling feeling that it causes me to gasp. The cool, salty water flows over my tongue like a suffocating blanket of pain.
The sea is inside me, embracing me in places where no one is meant to be touched. It caresses the inside of my lungs; expelling what little air I have left out through my mouth. It is violent and painful, but somehow very intimate at the same time. The feeling is so unique that I long to draw it out, to remember every detail, but there is no way for me to stop dying.
Dying. I don't think I realized until this very moment what was actually happening to me. I am dying. It feels more like making love, so close and passionate. Like when you're too in the moment to even breathe, so you start to see black dots in your vision, then you remember the necessity of air. It feels like that. But now that I've remembered to breathe, I've found that I am killing myself faster.
Little trails of bubbles are escaping my blue lips, trailing up to explode at the surface. For a minute, I long to join them, but the current is so strong. It pulls me further into it's depths, making me strain to keep hold of my sisters. I don't know how I'm still functional, but I am.
My limbs are all tingly and a ringing has started in my ears.
The sea is inside my head. It is coming in my eyes and flowing up my nose. It is beyond the realm of pain, more hurt than my body can register. I feel numb.
Another strong pull and my sisters slip away from me. I flail about, trying to find them with eyes that won't see, with hands that can't feel. My mind is slipping. I am tired, weak, and it isn't long until I give up completely.
I am void.
I am nothing.
I am ethereal, floating along in a sea of oblivion. My thoughts are jumbled; it hurts to be coherent, but that is the only pain I feel.
When we begin life, we are 75 water. I would like to think that I've exceeded that limit.
I am one with the ocean. I am the tide.
I hear nothing, yet everything at the same time. I hear the heaving of the sea, a truly harmonious sound. Along with that pulsing echo comes a palpitating feeling, a rocking of sorts. It brings back that memory of my mother again and I think about how she is an odd person for me to be expending my last few thoughts on, but her voice is low and familiar in my head.
Her speech of old is running through my brain, the one where she told me that love is a hoax. I believe her now. I believe her words like I believe that I am dying.
It hurts. Not dying, but accepting the fact that I will never know true love.
The memory of her voice is so vivid… it's like I can hear it for real… but that's not possible… she is calling my name… yelling the words that she has withheld from me since I was a child…
I take a shuttering breath, filling my lungs with brine and sea foam, and let my soul escape through blue lips as I listen to words that are neither real nor fake, but that completely shatter everything I thought I ever knew…
-0o0-
"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive,
So live for the moment,
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now…"
-0o0-
AN: So… you like it? It took me FOREVER to get the ending right, but I think I did a good job. Please review, I will be very sad if you don't. Thanks.