What you make me feel
A/N: Second senru one-shot, third SD one-shot and my seventh fic all in all. Actually I haven't been uploading since God's knows when. But since I don't know what to do, I decided to write a one-shot of one of my favorite shounen-ai pairing which is senru…*clap* *clap*…yep, I'll be chairing for them…hope people will review this one not that I would kill you if you don't I just hope you tell me what you think about this…pretty please with sugar on top…thanks…ja
Disclaimer: Slam Dunk is owned by Takehiko Inoue, while the story is mine…
~*start*~
It's been so long since I last laughed,
All the years I stood distant far away.
But now I'm throwing it all a side,
So I may find what I've been searching all the while.
I'll start smiling to the world,
Laughing, talking just what I erased long ago.
Still no one could break inside,
The now different me outside.
Everyone seems to love me for what meets their eyes,
Contented to just see my happy face.
And leave me suffering still endlessly,
Feeling alone and empty despite the sudden change.
Long lines passing silently through,
With hope to find true happiness along.
Dreaming to be loved for what I truly am,
Waiting, pretending 'til I can.
Walking silently in the sandy ground, I listened to the calming voice of the ocean as the waves hit the rocks nearby. I drove all the way to Ryonan district just to view this site.
"Rukawa Kaede?"
I turned around to see my greatest rival who has all the smile for the world, Sendoh Akira gaping at me.
"Hey," I answered giving him a small but sad smile.
"So the rumors were partly true, Rukawa Kaede the once cold and emotionless ice-prince finally found happiness and shared it to the world. Yet you give me such a sad smile and your eyes are still concealed just like before," he replied.
I tried to laugh heartily and asked, "How could you simply tell?"
"Because I am just like you," he replied.
Silence ensued.
I never noticed Sendoh closing the gap between us, as I tried to understand the words he said. The words that was unmistakably true. And when I finally realize we were just inches, centimeters apart and I tried to voice my thoughts but it was far too late. He kissed me.
I was so surprised to move, the feeling was so odd. The kiss was soft, Sendoh even looked like he was trying to be careful. And soon I found myself answering the kiss. My very first kiss.
When we finally parted because of the lack of air, I wondered why I never pushed him.
"Why?" I asked silently, sounding like but still unlike me.
"Because that's what you make me feel. You made me fall so hard; so hard I can't keep it anymore. You made me fall in love with you," he replied seriously.
I digested each single word he said. But I can't bring myself to believe Sendoh Akira of all people in this wide world to fall in love with a pathetic, cold, lousy and maybe even cursed being like me. He deserves much more, someone better than I ever was.
"How can you love me?" I asked my voice turning so softer than ever before.
"I told you it's because of what you make me feel. Everything about you seems to drive me insane, especially my heart which always beats so fast when I'm around you like today," he said.
"I'm sorry but you deserve much better. Someone unlike me," I said.
"But…" he tried to explain.
I never heard his protest because I started running towards my car, driving as fast as I could, heading home to Shohoku district.
****
I let you walk out my life,
And now I finally realize.
The truth in your words,
Was what I've been holding back.
Now I'm shattered to a million pieces,
Cause I was so blind to see what was in front of me.
The love you tried to give,
But was turned by my foolish acts.
Maybe you deserve someone else,
With looks, brains and heart.
The one that will make you change,
The way you made me different.
What you make me feel,
Is falling head over hills.
But whatever I try to do,
I can never forget what's true.
Seconds became minutes, hours to days, and many weeks soon passed with me as restless as I ever was. I concentrated with my studies, buried myself with extra work and practice. Did everything to forget the fact that screamed in my head.
Everyone who knew me seemed to notice and tried to help but nothing seems to change my mind of what I am feeling inside. Now I'm totally confused so I tried to go to Ryonan district facing my fears, you, Sendoh Akira.
Again like the first time, I tried walking in the sandy ground beside the ocean trying to muster courage to see you. But maybe you'd find your own way towards this same place.
I touched my lips as I remembered the good memories when we were together, facing each other.
As the wind blew strongly and the waves played happily, I saw you there but what met my eyes was what I never expected and how I regret the fact that I left you that very same day.
"Hey," I tried to say but my voice was shaking violently.
"Hey yourself, Rukawa. I should've never come here if I knew you'd come," he replied coldly, very much unlike himself.
"I'm here to clear things up," I said trying to control myself.
"Sorry but I have no time to hear what you want to say, we had our chance long ago and you wasted it," he replied in that same cold voice.
And then he left me there, and maybe I was so wrong I let him walk out my life. I somehow wish I never went here to see him cause what he made me feel was pain, regret and anguish.
I went back to Shohoku district and tried to act the same way I did after certain events that changed my life. Because of that someone I always want to thank, the one that gave me a new life. But maybe I never did deserve him, everything has always been my fault and my existence has always been a doubt.
A life full of regret, pain and anguish, the life I lived for years comes by and the life I might live 'til I die. I finally found the answers in you but I turned it all away and now I'm back to searching again, maybe I'll find it along the now crooked way, the love I've tried to conquer, the one I always lose together with my hope and faith.
"Team assemble," called Akagi in one of our practices.
"We will have a practice game against Ryonan today, here. It is a surprise for all the players in this and their team," said Coach Anzai.
And I somehow wish, I was at home studying or absent in one of my basketball practices. I don't want to see his cold yet sad face. The missing smile of the Sendoh Akira, I knew. How much I missed the old Sendoh Akira, who always smile at me despite my cold attitude and concealed personality.
The gym doors open and Team Ryonan with Coach Taoka entered. Members of the said team were seen, familiar or unfamiliar, regular or not. But one thing caught my two eyes, Sendoh Akira smiling and laughing at his friends yet everytime he saw me watching and looking at him, he starts to give me the creeps, the cold attitude and one of his never-seen-before death glares.
We prepared and soon the practice game started. We were paired up as usual and I couldn't help but loose concentration. You were cold and serious, silent towards me.
The game went on with your team leading by a three-pointer. And before the first half ever ended I made a three-point making our scores a 45-45 tie, as the first half finally ended.
I hated the fact that you weren't speaking to me, that you were treating me coldly and badly than your very usual self.
And I watched you closely during that break that I didn't see a punch coming my way, hard in the jaw. I looked back to see who hit me and realized it was Sakuragi.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked.
"Nothing," I replied turning away.
"I thought you want to be the best but you're not being one today," he said.
"Mind your own business, do'aho," I said.
"Teme, kitsune," he said as he punched me two more times angrily.
I looked around and found everyone looking at us, mocking me. And Sendoh, he just stood there minding his own business as I want Sakuragi to do and finally I had enough.
Rain poured outside the gym, thunder ringing loudly. The same way my heart beats as I saw you here together with everybody else. I can't take your unlawful attitudes, your being so unfair to me. Acting happy to others and cold to me, no one but me. You never really thought of what I've felt.
"I had enough," I said coldly as blood flowed freely down my mouth.
Sakuragi stopped surprised at the tone of my voice, every single member of the team looked at me astonished too. It's been a while since I did that.
"I'm sorry but you're on your own in this game. I'm leaving," I said coldly, bitterly.
The pain pricking my heart so badly. Basketball gave me everything and now I have to turn it all away because of you.
"Its your chance Sakuragi. Its all yours, isn't this what you want," I said turning away.
Everyone tried to stop me, Sakuragi seriously tried to apologize but I already dressed myself as the second half finally started.
"I don't care who wins," I said out loud.
Everyone looked at me totally surprised at my reaction. Even you looked at my strange behavior.
"Sendoh this is what you want, now this is what you get. I'm leaving. I'm tired of this. I had enough of your bullshit. Your being to selfish to me," I said out loud leaving the gym despite the heavy rain.
It seems like I got him there because I saw something flash through his eyes before I left the gym. Luckily, I brought my car today just in case it rains and it actually did.
I cried in anguish, mixing it with the rain pouring from the heavens above together with some of the blood from the punches.
"I just want to die," I said softly.
****
I hate the way you talk,
Cause your words are so sweet.
I hate the way you look,
Cause your eyes are so deceiving.
I hate the way you are,
Cause you make me fall in love.
I hate the way I feel,
Cause I know I will never have you.
But what can I do,
When I found you.
You made me realize,
And changed my whole life.
Made me do things I tried to forget,
Made me experience love once again.
You answered my questions,
And filled the empty space.
I was wet in the rain, my hair a mess. My life an empty space but beneath the light of the gym I saw a figure, a shadow, someone looking at me. It was you.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be playing?" I asked.
You tried to come closer to me, your hair coming down as the rain wrecked you spiky-hair.
"Why? Why did you do that?" You asked this time with your original voice.
"Because that's what you make me feel during those times. That was the truth," I answered sincerely.
"Do you really think I could ever forget that day? You are so selfish to think I would easily forget cause each single death glare and cold voice you speak me, kills me slowly," I said.
Soon silence enveloped us, rain pouring hard, and thunder roaring at us. You tried to get away, return to the game but I held you back. I hugged you from behind even if you pushed me away.
"Get away from me," you said coldly.
"I loved you," I whispered in your ear as tears dropped from my eyes.
"Leave me alone," you pushed me away.
I let you go, if that's what you really want. I didn't stand up anymore, I couldn't cause the tears and the pain were holding me back.
"I love you, Akira and I'll always love you…forever," I murmured.
"If you really made up your mind, good-bye…I'm leaving this place. Cause the pain will kill me," I said standing up.
You stopped walking, looked around and saw my tears never halting into a stop.
"This is what you make me feel, I love you. I learned to change because of you. I want the old Sendoh Akira back. The happy and caring Akira back because you made me feel complete but maybe just maybe I never really deserved you and how I regret that day I left you there. But I did and I can never erase that fact," I said turning away.
"Wait, Kaede. Tell me why, why should I believe you?" You asked.
I smiled sadly went closer to you, grabbed your hand and placed it near my heart.
"Feel the beating of my heart, and maybe you'll find the answers I can never give you," I replied.
Tears never left my eyes as I patiently waited for your reply.
You looked at me but I just looked down, not wanting to see what your eyes could tell. You cupped my face and lift it up…
"I believe now, Kaede. Stop crying, I'm sorry for treating you that way. Cause I wanted to hate you so badly for that day but then again I can never do that because I love you too," he said.
I almost broke down in relief, more tears falling from my eyes. And you wiped it all away.
"Will you ever forgive me for that day of denial?" I asked.
"Of course because I love you too and I'll always feel for you. I can never change that fact nor can you," he replied.
Nearing closely, as we faced each other centimeters apart, I could feel him breathing harshly and I couldn't help but smile to myself.
Finally closing the gap, we kissed against the rain that slowly halted into a final stop. A kiss that turned so passionately until we parted for air, I leaned closer to his chest and heard the beating of his heart.
"Do I really make you feel this way?" I asked.
"Yes, always Kaede," he replied.
I smiled sincerely and held his hand as we walked off.
****
I'm happy it turned to be,
What I wished long ago.
A love that was pure,
Never wasted and meant to be.
A heart of gold,
A smile to share.
A mind to speak up,
A sight to behold.
Hope that's been found,
Faith that always bound.
Love that's so sweet,
Making my heartbeat.
What you make me feel,
Was what I've searched for long.
I'll love you 'til eternity,
Cause you're the only one I need.
Everything soon turned out the way I always wished destiny would be. People had learned to accept us for what we really are, and for what we feel for each other. And finally the answers I've been searching all these years have been answered. I'm happy and contented with Akira. He's all I'll ever need. He gave me a new life and I'll treasure every single moment forever and 'til eternity.
'Love is hard to find but once you came passed it. It will hunt you down just like how destiny plays with each ones life. In all the years of darkness, I finally found the light, my eternal salvation, hope and my faith. True love never dies and so will our love, last forever strongly bonded in the course of time.'
~*Owari*~
A/N: The last paragraph is my little description and opinion of Sendoh and Rukawa's love for each other. Do review, I did this all day, June 2, 2003…from 4:00 'til 9:00 pm. Five hours but actually maybe its only four cause its not continuously. But I hope you like it. Thanks…