Hallelujah

by Stessa.

Monster.

That word would hunt her forever, she was sure of it. It was said so full of pain and it hurt her heart just to think back at it. She was sure she would never forget it, it was printed into her mind, and it'd stay there until she died, no matter what else might come her way. She was more sure of it than she had been about anything in her entire life, except for when it all started… There she had known that something was wrong.

She hadn't been able put her finger on it, but she had known that something was wrong. She had been sure of it.

Back then she wasn't sure if it was her, or Bette, or if it was just them… She'd felt that way for quite awhile now, and she hadn't liked it. She had tried her best not to get scared by it, to freak out and go cry to her friends about it. She had wanted to be stronger, so she had busied herself with everything concerning the pregnancy. She hadn't had much to busy herself with during the day though, so she had been done with that pretty fast and ended up, sitting for hours, just thinking about them and their current situation.

She knew now that their relationship hadn't been perfect for some time. But she figured stuff like that happened… They still did have sex, and they just needed to work past it. But maybe their therapist had been right; maybe they shouldn't have gotten pregnant. But it was a decision they had made such a long time ago, and of course it wouldn't be up for discussion. She wanted this baby; it was what she had always dreamt of.

And then it really seemed like they were good again. Once she got pregnant, everything seemed to fall right into place and they communicated again, they talked and they made love. It was perfect, but then… then suddenly it wasn't, and Bette was so distant, and Tina couldn't reach her… And it scared her, it really did.

Mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-monster. Monster.

Tina couldn't believe how quickly it happened. One day they were sitting in front of Dana, Shane and Alice, accused of being boring; having to answer questions and tally the results, and the next… the next day she got such a cold vibe from the person she had loved for seven years.

Mon-

Tina used to know how much Bette loved her. She had never questioned that, because Bette took care of her, and she always let her know how much she meant to her. She always felt so safe around Bette, but it wasn't like that anymore… There was a distance between them, and Tina had felt it more and more, and then… then it happened; she lost their baby-boy.

-ster!

Never had she needed Bette more than she did right that moment when the doctor told her, but her partner wasn't even there. She was late, as usual, and Tina had to deal with the horrible news herself. It broke her heart. She had never experienced that kind of pain before. It was like losing someone she had known her entire life, as she also told the group later on. She would never be able to explain it to someone who hadn't experienced it. She knew it happened to a lot of people, but it didn't make it hurt any less…

She was heartbroken, and as she sat at home alone, crying her heart out, she just wished that Bette was there to put her arms around her; to make her feel as safe as she used to. But Bette wasn't there, and when she finally came, her mind wasn't even there with her. She was dealing with all this other stuff, and while she tried to console her, Tina knew that her heart wasn't with her. She was so hurt by the loss of her child that she didn't dwell too much on it right then and there; she just needed to cry and let it sink in.

A couple of days after, when she really looked at Bette again, she had sort of expected her eyes to be bloodshot; to be red from all the crying she had done, and full of pain because of her loss, but there was nothing. Bette looked exactly like Bette had always done. And Tina told herself that it was only because Bette was a strong woman and that she dealt with her pain in another way. And that she was so busy with work and the exhibit that she didn't really have time to let it sink in, that she was too busy to even realize it yet.

It had never occurred to her that maybe Bette wasn't even that sad.

It was only when they were with the group that that thought entered her mind. They asked Bette if she had cried, and she just told them that she didn't need to cry. Tina felt so weird as she sat there next to her, she had cried for days, and she wasn't even cried out yet. She could randomly burst into tears when she was cooking dinner; it would be too much to handle for her, and there sat her life partner, right next to her, and told them that she didn't need to cry. It was such a weird feeling, and Tina would never be able to explain it to anyone if they ever asked.

But it concerned her though, that Bette didn't cry. She needed reassurance, she needed to know that Bette really was sad because of their miscarriage. But for some reason she couldn't just ask Bette, she couldn't just… tell her what was on her mind. She knew she should be able to, she should be able to tell Bette everything, but right now she couldn't, they were too changed, Bette was too changed, so she went Kit instead; asked her why Bette didn't cry.

"I just don't understand why she hasn't cried yet." Tina whispered, as they looked at each other over a cup of coffee.

Kit hugged the mug in her hands and offered Tina a reassuring smile, "Bette doesn't cry."

Tina didn't know how to feel about that. Didn't everyone cry when they were sad?, "I'm just not sure if she's even devastated like I am." Tina said; she knew it sounded weird, but she couldn't help herself. She had felt for a long time now that she didn't know Bette, and the fact that she hadn't cried just made her that much more insecure. It wasn't a nice feeling. It broke her heart even more than it already was.

Kit nodded her head in understanding, "She's sad, Tina, I can tell you that much. She just deals with it very differently."

Tina had only nodded to that, but it hadn't made her feel different. She couldn't handle it. Why didn't Bette cry? It was simple, when you're sad, the tears start pressing behind your eyelids, and they eventually fall. Tina had experienced pain so many times before and she had cried there. This was the worst thing she had ever had to go through, and the tears had fallen. Now, why didn't Bette feel the need to let them go?

Monster. Monster. Monster. Monster. Monster.

It worried Tina that she might not have really wanted this baby the way she did. Maybe that was why she had been acting so different too. Maybe she felt like they were moving too fast, or maybe she just didn't want to be a mother that much. She had seemed too concerned about herself; she always had been that way, had to do her own stuff and her own things, but she had always made room for Tina. Tina had always been most important… Like when she came home from New York just because she was so worried.

That was the Bette she used to know, but it wasn't the woman she was with right now. It was Bette right before she changed, and Tina so badly wanted her old Bette back; she wanted to sit down with her and talk about their child; she wanted to see Bette cry because of their loss.

…monster?

But that never happened, Bette never came to her, and tears never started falling. Instead her work got worse and worse and she focused all her energy on trying to take down Fay Buckley. Tina let her, because apparently that mattered the most to New Bette, and she herself decided to check out the volunteer work that Oscar had suggested. But that quickly turned around and ended up helping New Bette in her search for some dirt on Fay.

New Bette had passion for this, and Tina felt the need to support her, to act like a real couple would; so she went with her for their debate. She wasn't happy, she just went there to support New Bette the way she wished Bette had been with her when she got the horrible news about their baby. But she never told New Bette about her feelings, Tina just sat there and watched New Bette argue with that woman on TV.

I never occurred to her that maybe that woman knew more about them than she should, she had never thought that she might have found out background information on Bette too, so when she made that comment about God and their child, Tina felt her heart stop. She stood up from her seat, not believing that she had heard correctly. New Bette's face was emotionless on screen; she stared at her opponent in disbelief and Tina prayed that New Bette would be able to handle this like Bette would have, that she wouldn't freak out or say something stupid. But she didn't. Suddenly the new façade crumbled and all the walls fell down. Bette was back.

And she cried.

Tina stared at the screen in wonderment and found her own tears coming down again. Never had she seen her Bette look that fragile and hurt. Tears were forming in her eyes as she stared blankly at the other woman. The brown in her eyes had never seemed deeper to Tina and as she looked at her, she felt like she finally saw the real Bette.

Monster.

She was a monster. She was heartless and Tina just wanted to reach through the screen and hug Bette, to tell her that everything would be alright. She wanted to kick Monster out of there and never look at her face again; because this had caused Bette to break down. In some way it was good, because she needed the real Bette, she needed her, and New Bette might still have been with her, hadn't it been for Monster. But that still didn't give her the right to say such a thing.

MONSTER!

Tina brushed away her tears and rushed out of the room as the debate came to an end, and something else came on screen. She had to go see Bette; the old Bette. The Bette she knew and loved.

The Bette, the Bette who cried.

And cried, and cried. When they got home that evening, Tina cradled Bette in her arms and supported her the way Bette should have done the night Tina herself was so out of it. But that hadn't been the real Bette, it had been New Bette… but this was Bette, the Bette Tina had fallen for after just one glance at her. The Bette who cried and stood firm on what she believed in, the Bette who loved her and took care of her, the Bette who made her feel safe.

And Tina was relived because for a moment she did feel safe. She was sure that they were going to get through this. Bette had cried, and they would be able to try again. They were strong enough and they would get their family. Tina was sure that everything would work out for them, as she looked down at Bette, who had her head in her lap, she couldn't help but realize how close she had been at losing her.

Monster- ster.

But it floated within her veins like a horrible disease. She had it in her, it was ready to break out and fully grow into something, Tina was sure she would never want to see. She didn't want to face the facts. She didn't want to have to experience what Monster might have done to them; she didn't want to lose her again, to have to deal with the pain once more. She wished it would stay within her, and never come out. Because that way she would be able to pretend that everything was fine. If it did break out, she would have to deal with it, deal with New Bette and the pain she brought with her; deal with all the changes that would come their way, and Tina was certain that she couldn't handle that.

So she brushed away a loose curl and kissed Bette's forehead, really hoping that the old her was back to stay. Otherwise she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.

She'd have to cry again.

Monster, monster, monster.

So yeah. My second one-shot for this fandom was another TiBette, because I do love them. This one was a bit different though; it wasn't as light as my other one, it was supposed to be more angsty. I hope you liked it, and I want to thank the people who reviewed my other one-shot.

Please leave me your thoughts here as well, it'd mean a lot to me.

Btw, this is one of my favourite episodes; I love how Jennifer Beals reacts to the comment about their child. Just the way she speaks and the way she finally breaks down. That woman can really act ;b

Btw, btw, the title is, of course, referring to the beautiful song 'Hallelujah' that plays in the background during that very scene in the show. It just moves me so much.

Disclaimer; I don't own The L Word.