by C.
*
He had been waiting for this moment for a long, long time.
It had been a hard to come to this point, but he had finally found the courage
to do what his heart had been asking him to do.
And, for once, he was going to forget about everything around him but that urgent
request, and once and for all tell the object of his affections how he truly
felt about her.
It hadn't been an easy thing to do, making the decision to calm the inner torture
he had been going through for what seemed centuries now. There were so many
factors involved in that complex equation that what he was going to do still
frightened him a little.
But he was tired of hurting.
He was tired of pretending everything was right, that everything was the same.
When for him it wasn't the same. It hadn't been the same for a very long time.
He had been trying to lie to himself about that, telling himself that with the
passing of the months, everything would smoothly go back to normal, to that
way all the people around him thought things were supposed to be...
As many other times in his life, he had failed miserably.
Step by step, he had reached a point where he could not hide anymore from his
own feelings, so finally he had accepted that things had changed, and that acceptance
had made him face a path with two possible choices in front of him: actually
acting about it or trying to bury away those feeling that had, slowly but unstoppably,
grown inside of him.
But then again, those two possibilities, well, neither of them was a safe choice.
Each one was condemned in its own way. If he decided to take a step up and do
something about the deeply engraved feelings he held, he was going to inevitably
hurt a lot of people around him. People important to him. People he deeply cared
about.
Every time he imagined the pain he could cause them, a wave of guilt smashed
all over his body. That had been the main reason that, the first time, he had
chosen the other option and he had tried to bury his feelings deep inside of
him. He had tried to forget how his chest filled with a sweet warmth every time
she looked at him, or ignore the shivers that ran down his back with every single
touch from her. He had put all his strength in being only her friend, the boy
she had known all of her life, and nothing more... and maybe nothing less. But,
deep inside, he had had the certainty that it was going to be in vain.
The only thing that could have helped him with his inner turmoil was running
away from her, and that was the thing he was determined not to do.
So, the path of denial was a trap in itself.
He had been caught in his own good intentions and, without foreseeing it, had
grown more and more attracted to her. Not only physically, since whatever he
felt towards her had never been about physical attraction. Sure she was beautiful,
damn beautiful if anyone asked him, but it had been her entire being, her very
essence which had led him to her, what had made him fall in love with again
and again without a chance to prevent it.
Because yeah, he had fallen for her, and hard. In that unavoidable way only
she could provoke.
When the realization had hit him he had been stunned. How had it been possible
that someone he had known almost all his life and that he had seen only as a
close friend could, from one day to the other, turn into the woman of his dreams?
That woman who could take away his breath with only looking at him, and make
him feel like the luckiest man in the world with a simple smile? Well, he didn't
have that answer, but he didn't mind. He had only been aware of the way he felt
every time he was near her, the absolute bliss her presence offered him and
the pain in his heart whenever his mind told him that she was never going to
be his.
So, he had realized with not little resignation, his decision was only going
to take him to an impossible situation where he was going to be the one suffering
all the pain.
But what had led him to change his mind and make the decision of telling her
his feelings hadn't been the pain or the heartache. The main factor was the
simplest of all things: his raw need for her. The realization that what burnt
inside of him was not attraction but love. That kind of love you had to hold
onto, 'cause you are going to find it only a very few times in all your life,
if you are lucky...
Finally, he had had to admit to himself that he was head over heels in love
with her. And that genuine emotion would be well worth the heartache that telling
her could cause to the other people involved in their little, never-ending tragicomedy,
in the case she returned his feelings. Or worth the pain he would feel if she
rejected him.
So, there he was, in a crowded bar, full of smoke and with strident music so
loud that he almost couldn't hear his own thoughts. And he was going to do it.
He was going to go and tell her about his feelings, about what she meant to
him, forgetting that all their friends, including those who were going to be
suffer the consequences of his actions, where less than two meters away.
And funny and incongruent as it sounded, it had been her fault that he had finally
resolved to take action.
When that afternoon his friends had proposed to go out and have a little fun,
he hadn't been too receptive to the idea. Well, it wasn't his first option to
spend all afternoon watching her, being with her, trying not to let out any
sign of his feelings, not only to avoid the possibility that she could find
out, but also to not show his emotions to those who could get really hurt if
they found out the truth. So he had planned on making up some excuse, to turn
down the invitation and be able that way to stay safe at home, alone...
But, as per usual, luck hadn't been on his side, and there she had been,
looking at him with brown puppy eyes, a pout on her beautiful mouth, and begging
him to go with all of them.
Damn the woman and damn the power she held over him.
As it was only expected, he had surrendered to her pleas and her big, soulful
eyes and had changed his mind.
Talk about less than intelligent decisions.
Until that instant the afternoon had been sheer torture.
He had been trying to do his best to forget about how uncomfortable the situation
was and he had really tried to enjoy the time he was spending with his friends.
But he had failed. He had been a simple witness of the attempts of his other
best friend, Dawson, to gain back the woman he had considered his soulmate since
they were children, but that he had turned down few months ago.
How could Dawson reject such a beautiful creature, it was still a mystery to
him, but he could not deny he was grateful for it, since it had presented him
the chance to be closer to her than he had ever been. The chance to finally
go beyond the surface and explore with her a real friendship. A friendship that
along the way had mutated to become much more than a simple friendship, awakening
feelings inside his being he had never even suspected he could harbor for her.
The whole situation was slowly killing him inside.
He had thought that by now he would've been used to be a privileged witness
to the little drama unfolding in front of his eyes, but truth be told, he could
barely stand it.
Anyway, if he had to be honest, right then things weren't as bad as they
could get, because she was gently ignoring Dawson's moves, honey sweet smiles
and adoring gazes, so that implied there still was a little hope for him. He
was seeing the smiles, the light touches Dawson was freely giving her, and he
was wishing he could do the same.
He ached to feel her skin, to kiss those long, elegant fingers and to earn one
of her brilliant gazes.
But right when he was ready to hold onto that hope, right when he was on the
edge to allow himself the luxury of imagining all his wishes could come true,
he reminded himself that, in everyone's minds, it was only a matter of time
until his two best friends got together again and resumed their never-ending
dance.
At last, when he had gotten tired of the self-inflicted spectacle, he had fallen
away from the group, to a dark corner of the club, and had lost himself in his
thoughts and the music, not wanting to keep feeling like he had been feeling
anymore.
Maybe someday, he reflected, at some perfect moment in time, he would be able
to tell her all the truth, to tell her how his life would be better with her
by his side. But until that perfect moment came... he could only wait.
[ E N D ]
*
A.N.: Well, this is my first attempt at writing a fanfic in
english... I really hope it's not too bad...
I know that sometimes I don't make any sense (well, in fact I don't usually
make any sense even in spanish...) but I think that at least the story is quite
understandable
This little ficlet is placed on the DC timeline before Pacey and Joey got together
(Season 3, I think) and it could be one of the many missing scenes of those
episodes. I have revamped it a little, correcting some mistakes and changing
some of the text, hoping to make it flow better.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not at all, just borrowed them to play a little so please don't sue.