(Hope you all enjoy the fourth installment of the Saving Super Cena Series. Just a question for you. We have a few role play scenes we wrote with the three boys that did not quite make the cut to get added to the story. Is anyone interested in reading them posted as separate one shots?)
The next day went by in a painful void for John as he recovered at Lady Lilly's. Yes, he loved his Daddy but he felt lost without his sweet Master to offer him love and guidance. His connection went far beyond just a romantic love. Sheamus had introduced him to the world of the leather community, stoked the fires of submission deep inside of him and now he felt abandoned and alone despite still having Randy. To never hear Sheamus' voice again was almost too much to bare and for what? If he had only tried the tea it could have possibly saved him. John sat in the bed, looking at his phone. Picture after picture of them happy and in love came up from his past Twitter feeds. He wanted to cry but he felt empty inside.
"Baby...you need to come eat something." Randy called to him from the door.
"I'm not hungry." John told him, not lifting his eyes from the phone and it was the truth. His eyes swept over a picture of him with Sheamus back in the States. Sheamus had a happy smile on his face, his arms circled around John's waist from behind. The older man was laughing with a boyish twinkle in his eyes, the paracord collar gracing his neck.
"BB...He wouldn't want to see you like this. Please come down." Randy told him.
"Which one of you took my collar away from me?" John asked, ignoring Randy's words.
"I left them both with him." Randy admitted. He didn't want what they had built on lies.
Anger filled John's eyes as he took out the pain he felt on Randy. "How could you? You knew how important that was to me..to be collared and belong to someone...you had no right to remove it!"
"He agreed with my reasoning. I had no clue he was going to do what he did. If I had any clue...well,, honestly I don't know what I would have done." Randy admitted.
"Lady Lilly gave me tea to help him tame his dark side. I had it in the kitchen. I pleaded with you both not to make me go." John said in almost a numb tone. "Do you have any idea how it feels to lose the man you love...you would die for and your Master in the same moment? A piece of me died when he did." A tear rolled down John's face. "However he died it wasn't peaceful. It was painful...agonizing and he was alone. He was a good man who deserved better."
"It was his choice... His path, BB. He still wouldn't want you to be like this." Randy tried to reason. "You haven't eaten since yesterday."
John rolled in bed to lay on his side, his back facing Randy. "So what now? I just pretend the last months never happened? Bury all the needs I have for a Master...my Master I loved and go on? And this is coming from the man who threatened to kill himself if he lost the man he loved. Just leave me alone for now."
"No." Randy stated as he walked over to him. "You don't forget...and I won't leave you alone. Put the phone down and come down stairs. You are being rude to Lady Lilly." Not having anymore energy to fight John sat the phone down and climbed from the bed to follow Randy. His eyes looked empty and haunted. The guys ate their meal. Lady Lilly made no attempt to keep John longer than he wished. She did wish to speak to Randy after the meal, allowing John to return to the room. When he opened the door the spicy scent of a familiar body wash hit his nose.
John sniffed the air, looking around as he closed the door. It had to be his imagination. Only one man used that brand and he was gone. It was somehow still soothing to smell it. John walked to sit back on the bed. "I miss you, Sweets." He whispered to himself. "Randy just doesn't understand how I feel. He cared for you but it wasn't the same way. You were everything I always wanted and more."
As John reached for his phone to get lost in his photos again he spotted something lying on the back of the phone that was now face down. It was the remains of the charm from either his or Randy's collar. At first one may think someone placed a replacement, but this one was slightly discolored from soot and the enamel was cracked. John's heart raced as he picked up the charm, inspecting it. The piece looked as if it had been through a fire. Burning was the sensation John had felt in the Rover the night before when he felt Sheamus' final pain. Suddenly he remembered when Finn, Sheamus' deceased first love, had paid a visit to his lover in the shower months before. "A-Are you here, Master?" He asked quietly. "I know you're probably with your first love now...I'm glad you have each other...but I miss you so much. I'm sorry I disobeyed you by leaving...caused all this mess...I went after tea to try to save you." His voice broke as he clutched the charm.
A faint warmth could be felt on John's cheek like that of a soft kiss. "It would have happened in time, me Angel. I was just too blinded to accept ye help" The voice was soft near the ear where the kiss was.
Tears began to roll down John's face as he heard the pet name he never thought he would again. "Sweets, I love you so much. You didn't deserve to die alone. I wanted to be with you. I need you. Randy's here for me but it's not the same as having my Master. My neck feels empty...and so do I."
"Ye keep that with ya...I'll always be round ya. Guess in a way ye can now call me the angel." His familiar warm laugh filled John's ears.
John clutched the charm like a lifeline. "Please at least tell me you're happy?" Hearing the voice eased a little of the ache in his heart.
"Nay with how I saw ye today...happy maybe hard to define. Free though." Sheamus replied.
John swallowed hard as he looked at the charm. "I'll try to be happy, Sweets but there was so much time we lost...we were going to explore the lifestyle together, learn together, and now it's over. I wanted to grow old with you." His voice wavered. "Now I know how you felt when Finn passed."
"I am sorry I had to subject ye to that last pain, Angel. It had to be though." John heard before feeling unseen arms wrapping around his shoulders.
John closed his eyes, taking in the scent and feel of his Master. His heart ached as he thought of the huge play room he had built in Florida for them to explore together and all Sheamus' belongings he would have to look at and go through. "Will you follow me...back home?"
"Aye...I'll go where that goes." A phantom hand rested on John's that held the charm.
John didn't want to open his eyes and end the illusion. "Do I still belong to the Iron Rose w-without a Master?" Saying the words out loud caused his stomach to twist in knots. It made his loss seem more real.
"I believe so. Ye would need to ask Lady Lilly how that may work. May place ye in with an American chapter, help ye find someone when ye are ready."
"My Daddy wouldn't like that. He only allowed you because we were in love." John whispered. "I'll never have another Master." He opened his eyes slowly, looking at the once colorful charm.
"If ye explain it is what ya need he may. Have him escort ye to scenes even if he does not give them himself."
John let out a quiet sob but nodded his head. "You and Finn take care of each other. Please stay with me because I'm going to need you." It was at that moment the door opened and Randy walked in the room, causing John to jump.
"As long as fate permits it I shall." Sheamus replied.
"What you have there, BB?" Rand asked from the door, seeing something shimmering in John's open hand.
"One of our charms." Wonder filled John's eyes as he held it out. "Sweet's is here, Daddy. He said he'll always be near as long as I have this. I still feel his arms around me...his voice was in my ear." Randy looked as he walked closer. He would think John was just grieving, but there was no mistaking the item in John's hand. He lifted his head as if trying to look around John for a sign of the other man.
"You don't smell his cologne?" John asked as he watched Randy. He held out the charm so Randy could see its condition. Randy shook his head no.
"I had a faint connection to him, Angel...but nay like I do with ya." Sheamus told him.
"He said...your connection to him wasn't as strong." John looked pleadingly at him. "You believe me don't you?"
Randy lowered his head. "I...I can't dispute what I see you have. I know where it should have been."
John nodded, closing his hand around the beloved charm. "I'll put on on a chain I can wear..m-maybe in place of Sweet's dog tag." He had almost stopped wearing the tags when he was given his daily collar.
"If that is what will make you feel better, Baby. I guess he wanted it returned to you. Um...we don't need to worry about some pissed off evil spirit do we?" Randy asked, worried.
"No, Daddy. He said he's free of all that." John assured him. "He was gentle and loving...just like before we came here." He didn't want to move, afraid Sheamus' arms would leave his shoulders. "He's still holding me right now."
"Must be nice." Randy almost whispered.
"I think ye Daddy could use a hug, Angel." Sheamus gently chided John. "Don't neglect him in ye grief."
John moved to wrap his arms around Randy, pulling the smaller man close. "Sweets says you need a hug and he's right." Randy nodded as he held John back. As he held him Randy fought not to break down. He just felt so torn. Did he do the right thing? Could it have ended a better way? He tried to fight the tears that wanted to fill his eyes.
It was hard to tell how long the two men held each other before they slowly parted. "He did love you, Daddy. You were his Love." John told him. "Not the monster at the end but the man he was inside. And you loved him too...you were just afraid."
Randy nodded, unable to hold the tears back anymore. "Can...we try to get some rest? No-now I'm the one feeling tired."
John nodded, laying the charm beside the bed. "Come on, Daddy." He knew so many things would have to be tended to later but now they both needed to rest.
Randy moved to cut the light before joining John in the bed for some sleep. As John drifted to sleep the spicy scent seemed to slowly fade as well. He may have worried a moment, but something in his mind or was it heart told him not to worry he would be back. Even if neither man really felt like it they knew they had to leave for work the next day. It seemed the next few days went by in a blur for John. He made an official statement about the death of his boyfriend and answered the flurry of probing questions that went along with it. Since his relationship to Randy was a secret he had to hold his Daddy at arm's length, at least in the public eye.
One of the hardest things he ever did was attend the next Raw which included the tribute to Sheamus and then a memorial service where he finally met his Sweets' loving mother. It made made his death seem more real, more final. The only thing that gave him any comfort at all besides Randy was the charm that never left the chain around his neck. He missed the closeness of his collar around him, the security it brought but that could not be helped. Before they left the UK Lady Lilly gave John references to the American chapter of the Irish Rose.
Around a week later John was back in the United States and back in his home in Florida with Randy. The two men had taken a few days off to escape all the media so John could sort through his boyfriend's belongings. His heart felt heavy as he kicked off his shoes at the doorway, looking at the place he had shared with Sheamus. Randy had spent time here too but it was not his home. John knew it was only a matter of time before he would be alone here. Unlike Sheamus Randy was a private man who valued his space.
Randy looked around when they entered the house. It felt even more empty now. "Do you want me to start in the addition, Baby? Or did you want to do it in case there was anything you wanted to keep?"
"No, let's do it together. I don't want to be alone in there yet." John led Randy through the house to where his Master's private living quarters were. It was where Sheamus went when he wanted some time alone to reflect and relax. Reaching it, John looked around the space, feeling overwhelmed. Sitting beside the computer were multiple action figures of John and Randy. A Sheamus figure stood between two of them. A lump formed in John's throat as he knew they would never be all three together again.
Randy walked over, resting a hand on John's shoulder giving it a light squeeze. "Do we have boxes to sort in?" Randy didn't want to seem cold, but he knew the longer John dwelled the deeper the older man would fall. John took a breath, fighting back the bitterness he wanted to feel. Randy had seemed cold, almost clinical about Sheamus since the day after his death. This was their love...their Dom and he acted like it was a stranger. Was he the only one who ever loved Sheamus at all? He doubted Randy would be this way if he had been the one to pass away. Randy had not even shed a tear at the funeral.
"Yes." He forced out. "Storage closet in the role playing room. I'll get them."
"Okay, Baby...I'll wait here for you." Randy told him.
John got half way out of the room before he stopped and slowly turned around. "You know what? I think I'll leave the room just the way it was. I only made it for him. I have no use for it. The play rooms were for us all."
Randy went to open his mouth to say something then stopped. Maybe he was pushing John too fast too soon. "Okay, Baby...Okay."
John walked back to the space, sitting at Sheamus' computer desk. "Daddy...do me a favor? Bring me the box with our formal collars and club outfits? They're in the duffle bag by the door."
"Yeah...sure." Randy headed out of the room. Shortly after Randy left the room the rich scent of spice filled John's nose again.
John immediately picked up on the smell and gave a smile despite his pain. "Hey, Sweets. I'm keeping your room just the way you left it."
"Ye know that isn't needed, Angel. Nay like I have use of it. Do ya really need a shrine?" Sheamus voice replied from behind John.
"I have no use for it either, Master. You know how big my place is." John told the voice. "Randy will never live here with me. It's not his style."
"And what good me things be collecting dust?" The gentle voiced chided.
"What do you want done with them then, Sweets? They belong to you." John asked quietly.
A sigh was heard from the door. "He's here again?" Randy was heard.
"Of course feel free to keep a few things, Angel if ye wish momentos. Most can be donated I guess, I am sure others could benefit from the items. I guess anything ye don't keep that is wrestling related ye can see about maybe auctioning?" Sheamus could be heard.
John nodded. "Okay, Sweets. I'm keeping the figures though." He actually smiled as he stood up to look at Randy. Somehow talking to his dead lover made it seem like he was still with him. "Yeah. I'll go grab boxes. Sweets wants me to donate his things or give them up for charity auction. He said what good are his things collecting dust?"
"Well, he makes a good point, Baby Boy." Randy told him. He knew John being the one to really hear voices would take time.
"Yeah...he's right. You can bring our club gear into the role playing room closet if you want, Daddy. I'm going to set my collar out for display in Sheamus' old space." John headed for the role playing room after the boxes, still smelling Sheamus' unique body scent. Randy followed after John. To say he felt lost could be an understatement. He looked around as they entered the one room. Following John to the storage room he looked for a place to hang the outfits up.
John dug through the closet like a man on a mission, pulling out an armful of boxes. "Yeah...these will work." His whole attitude of not wanting to go through Sheamus' things changed in minutes now that he had his Master's orders. It felt good serving Sheamus even if the commands were from the afterlife.
"So, you want these in his office or his private room?" Randy asked, holding the two formal collars.
"I want mine in his office." John looked at his collar, swallowing a lump of sadness in his throat. "What do you want to do with yours?" Memories of them with Sheamus at the club made his heart ache.
"Maybe they should be together, Baby?" Randy wondered. "I know I was far from a good sub but I was still his."
John gave a smile. "Of course you were, Daddy. I like that." He moved with the boxes back out of the closet to leave the room.
Randy followed John back to the office. He moved to sit both collars on the the middle of the desk. "There or back more?"
"That's fine, Daddy." John told him. "I want to keep the action figures. Other than that anything wrestling related can go in one pile for auction and the other I'll call and have a donation truck pick them up for needy families." He could almost sense the Irishman smiling his approval having grown up almost poor himself.
"Okay, Baby. No problem." Randy started to clear the shelves to put them in their respective boxes. "I am guessing save personal photos too? I think family donations may be more the bedroom stuff then office."
"Yeah, of course I want the photos." So many memories went through John's mind as he went through the computer desk. "Did I ever tell you Sweets and I had sex in the back of my car the day we came out to my family? He said he had never done anything so daring...that I was corrupting him." He gave a small chuckle.
"I think so, BB...I don't remember. Sorry." Randy admitted.
"It's fine." John said softly as he worked. "I showed him the lake island once. We had a picnic. He said it was like there was no one else in the world there." Tears blurred his vision as he came across yet another picture of them. This one was taken at an LGBT pride event they were invited to. They looked so happy, so in love.
"Yeah, that island is a nice hideaway." Randy admitted. A soft touch brushed John shoulder with a feather light squeeze before fading.
John glanced over his shoulder to see if Randy had touched him. No one was there. He wiped his eyes with a knowing smile before going back to work. "It was the first place we had sex, Daddy. Remember after we went swimming? You took off my trunks and took me. It was dark outside and the stars were out."
"Yep, I remember." Randy replied. "Kept teasing you that we were going to get spotted by boaters."
"First time I was ever fucked. Damn, I was nervous as hell." John remembered as he laid pictures in a pile.
"I was your first with a guy?" Randy honestly didn't remember that fact.
"We had this talk before, Ran." John reminded him. "A few months back in the car. I told you I'd been with chicks, even fucked a few guys but they always saw me as the top because I'm so muscular...well and somehow it seemed less gay at the time. Yes, you took my other virginity...I told you that night and you promised to go slow."
"Oh...yeah." Randy commented with realization. "Sorry, Baby Boy...I was thinking guys as a whole...not a just a bottom thing. Sorry."
"It's fine. I was so conflicted and scared that night...but it felt good." John finished the drawer and moved on to the next. What he saw made his throat tighten. "Look, Ran." He held up a picture of himself and Randy hugging in their ring gear backstage. Underneath written in black ink was Sheamus' familiar handwriting: Me boys, me loves. "This was on top of the drawer."
Randy looked over then moved for a closer look, giving a shaky smile. "The big goof."
"Yeah." John decided to keep that picture separate to put in his room. "He did really love us, Ran. Both of us. Things just got complicated."
"That's an understatement, BB." Randy told him before he returned to the closet where he was sorting some of Sheamus' wrestling memorabilia he had stored.
"It was all worth it. I'd go through it again in a heartbeat if I could have him back with us." John stated as he went through papers.
"Still seems like a crazy dream...or nightmare depending on the moment." Randy admitted.
"I think I need a break, Daddy." John sighed as he stood from his task, feeling sick with sadness. "So many pictures and memories...you mind working without me awhile? This is tearing me up inside."
"No...It's fine, Baby, go on. Just relax I have this." Randy put down what he was working on going over to give John a big hug. "You did good Baby Boy."
John gave him a shaky smile. "Thanks, Daddy. I'll be in the bedroom." He took the picture of himself and Randy before leaving the space. Randy spend the time focusing on the task. Finishing the office he took a marker to tab the boxes before going for more boxes than tackling the bedroom area next. He had to stop to compose himself at times as he wanted to break down. How many times did Sheamus throw himself into the line of fire to save his life?
John carried their bags up to the master bedroom he had shared with Sheamus. Signs of the younger man were everywhere. He walked to the dresser where one of the flat caps his lover always wore out sat and leaned the photo against it then sat the bags down by the dresser to unpack later. John knew it had only been a little over a week since Sheamus passed and he had to give himself time to grieve. They had shared a bond most can only dream of...could read each other's minds and hearts. Tears wet his eyes as he stripped down so that he could put on a pair of gym shorts for comfort.
"I am sorry, Angel. I saw no other way." Sheamus' voice could faintly be heard somewhere near by. John could not even trust his voice not to break so he just nodded as he finished stripping, a quiet sob leaving his chest. There were no words to describe the pain he felt...like a vital part of him was gone. He carried his clothes to the bathroom hamper and then walked to the dresser for his shorts. "Ye wish me to leave ya alone, Angel? Give ya time to think?"
John shook his head no as he slid on the shorts and sat on the bed. "No...please stay. I need you now, Master. I'll always need you." He moved to relax on his side.
"Okay Angel...as I can be I will." Sheamus replied. "I know ye having trouble understanding, Angel. I saw no other path."
"But there was. That's why I went to Lady Lilly's. You know I would never lie to you or defy you. It was to save you." John said, tears choking his voice. "She gave me a special tea that would help purge the darkness. I tried to stay and tell you...but neither of you would listen." He closed his eyes.
"For how long though, Angel? How long would it have lasted until I felt I was being torn apart again? How long until it became consuming again? Thee strong flames be the only purging force and the dark even tried to fight that."
John shuddered. He just felt so weighed down with stress and grief. "I know it was your choice, Sweets. But I feel so empty without my Master. I love my Daddy but our relationship is more friends...equals. I feel lost without belonging to someone..someone to serve and love..." His hand reached to touch his neck where the collar always rested. "A small part of me wishes I could die and be with you...I know Daddy needs me though."
"Aye, he does...ye walked that road before, Angel. I did nay wish ya there in me final. That is why I did as I did so ye Daddy could escape with ya. I fought until the end against thee darkness. It wished to fight me...protect itself from the purging flames."
John's body trembled at the flood of emotions. "I know...I woke up screaming in the Rover. I could feel your pain...then n-nothing...and I just knew."
"I do nay understand that...we are still connected now."
"I don't know. I just felt nothing." John tried not to cry in frustration. "What do I do now, Master? I'm a pure submissive with no Master...I need that to feel whole...but I don't want anyone but you. Randy wouldn't approve anyway. He only reluctantly shared me with you..he just doesn't understand my needs."
"I don't know, Angel...I wish I did. If I had not, I would have...it would have destroyed one if not both of ya."
John felt himself drift off as his mind tried to block out the pain and the emptiness he was feeling. Tears stained his cheeks, his hand still resting against his bare throat. A light hand brushed John's head. "Rest, Angel...I won't be too far." John made no response as he was already in a light sleep. Sheamus moved to check on Randy. His once love was laying on the bed, his arms clenching one of the pillows, his face buried in it are if trying to grasp every ounce if Sheamus' presence in it. Along with it tears began to wet the fabric. Sheamus hated the pain he caused the men, his sweet boys. He knew it was better than their destruction though.
John slept like a dead man for hours, mentally and physically exhausted from stress and the flight. Randy fell asleep as well in the other room, his body and mind being allowed to rest without the feeling of needing to be strong for John. Next Randy realized he was standing in a large open field. He looked around puzzled, even more so when he thought he spotted a familiar form a short distance away. Randy moved toward him. "Am I actually seeing you...or am I imagining it?" Why did he ask? Even if it was an illusion it could lie to him.
"Aye...tis me My Love." Sheamus answered.
"How can you still call me that after everything?" Randy asked as he moved closer.
"Because ye were and will be. I see ye still feel it."
"How can't I?!" Randy yelled without realizing it. "FUCK EVEN IF WE WERE JUST FRIENDS?!" Randy yelled, raking his hands over his head, scrubbing it. "I would grieve either way...but yes we had something and I pushed it away because I was scared."
"Aye...and seems ye had cause to in thee end." Sheamus replied, slowly turning. He was dressed in jeans and a polo shirt.
"Not the very end...you did help me get John out of there." Randy reasoned. "Was there no other choice for you though?"
"None I saw, Randy. Me Angel needs ya. He is feeling lost without the guidance of a Master."
"I...I don't know if I can do that. It isn't me." Randy protested.
"He loves ya Randy, but he needs that in his life." Sheamus tried to explain, his pale eyes full of conviction.
"He still can hear you." Randy tried to reason. "You told him about your belongings and he listened."
"It is nay the same, Randy. That would be no better than being a Master over a phone. Me Angel needs more. He needs the physical aspects of it."
"I...I just don't know. Lady Lilly already mentioned the idea of training. Th-that or a Master or Mistress here in the States that may be able to take him into their house...I don't know if I can do that though. You know I don't play well with others. How do we know we can trust them besides the word of the group? How do I know they will not try to take him from me? " Randy asked.
"How many times were ye and I at odds that we wished him to pick a side and he could not? Ye need to trust his love for ya, Randy." The Irishman gently chided him.
"I just don't know if I could let another in."
"It would be for him...not for yeself. Ye deprive him of one to serve, he will begin to feel lost, empty, floating in an ocean with no land in sight."
"I can't help how i feel on it can I?" Randy snapped.
"Nay...but try to see his side as well." Sheamus told him before Randy could see the larger man cringing, almost dropping to a knee.
"Shea?! What is it?" Randy moved until he was beside him.
"Th-these visits are taxing on me after a time."
"If...if you leave will you be back?"
"Aye...ju-just need to go rest at times...recharge I guess ye can say."
"Okay, Shea...go rest then. I don't want you doing anything to make you too weak." Randy told him.
"Till next, Me Love." Sheamus spoke before he vanished as did the vision of the field.