"But Momma do you have to go? I really don't want you to," the little girl whined as I place the last dress in my trunk. I smile kindly at her my young daughter, "Rusie, I have to go. We go through this every year, your father and I, go to the Capitol once a year to honor those who died in the Hunger Games and the Rebellion. I know, you know, how much it bothers me to leave you, and to revisit that place, but it's something that must be done. Speaking of things that must be done, you better go change into something more presentable before the cameras arrive. They always want to have a few words with you." I sigh as she trudges down the hallway, her small fame held upright, and her blonde hair swaying as she walks. Suddenly there is a rap on my door and the Effie's voice fills the room,
"Katniss, darling! How have you been? Beautiful as ever, but why so cross? Can't I ever come to your house and see you smiling?" Effie preens in the mirror as she speaks. Effie is older now, but no one could tell except if one looked very closely you could see crows feet formed around her eyes, but from far away she is still the Effie of my youth, the Effie of twenty years ago.
As much as Peeta and I have tried to live private lives, the public still craves stories on us, and now our children. When I gave birth to Ruise, I had to be flown to District 5 in the dead of night to ensure we had the privacy to celebrate the birth of child. When Pan was born, we weren't as lucky, he came two weeks early and shots of me in childbirth were plastered on TV screens for weeks. So once a year, we give a family interview and then Peeta and I make our way to Capitol. For the honoring of the rebellion and Hunger Games
"What more do you want Effie? Peeta and I let the public into our home, every year. We let interview our children. And we go and attend all the events," I responded hugging her. Instead of chiding me as she would have just a few years ago, she simply rolls her eyes and continues,
"Twenty years now darling! Can't believe its' been such along time! Lots of festivities planned! Of course you're an old hat at this, three days of somber candle lightings, memorial services, and to conclude the Sewing Ceremony in which, as you know, the closet living relatives of the dead tributes and all the living ones are honored and receive retribution. Then the real fun begins! Parties, banquets, parades, and then of course my favorite the Festival of the MockingJay! Our own little MockingJay, as always, will be the star!" Effie prattles on and I am lost in my own dread. Peeta comes in, hugs Effie. As usual she's much warmer towards him then me.
"Look at the time chop, chop. We must get going for the interview." She herds us out of the room. We stop at the nursery, where Rusie has been changed into a black and white dress that is a reflection of my own. Pan is dressed in a small white suit with a black tie and black shoes, an exact replica of his father's outfit. "Look like Daddy!" He cries thrilled with his wardrobe. He's three this year, four years younger than his sister, they are growing so fast and I dread the day I can no longer tell them they are too young to come with Peeta and I on this annual pilgrimage. We have done our best to hide the details of what went on in those arenas so many years ago. However, the day will come when Rusie and Pan are old enough that we cannot hide the gruesome shadows of our past.
The interview takes an hour in which the host, Celia Shan dark, prods and asks a variety of personal questions, including whether or not Peeta and I are having another child. There are two five-minute sessions with Rusie and Pan where Celia asked childhood questions such as their favorite color, food, and games. Then we are off, for the twenty-first time in our lives on the train, Capitol bound.
On the train it is like time has stood still, Effie preens, Haymitch drinks and Peeta and I spend our time talking over what awaits us once we reach the Capitol. In less than, two days time we arrive. The minute we step off the train the people of the districts greet us as with all the pomp and circumstance as on the day we arrived here twenty-one years ago. We are escorted to the training center where, ironically, we will be housed.
There aren't many of us left just six Peeta and I, Haymitch, Johanna, Annie, and Enobaria. Beetie passed six years ago of natural causes, he was never the same after he learned that the parachute bombs killed Prim. Eventually, he just wasted away.
We enter the training center, Annie is waiting in the lobby. She looks frailer each year, if people thought she was mad, before Finnick's death, people knew it now.. She is only forty, five years older then Peeta and I, but she seems so much older. Her son, handsome as his father was, sits beside her holding her hand She stares at us for minute then recognition floods her face.
"Kat! Peeta! Haymitch! It's so nice tttoo see you!" She exclaims stuttering. She stands up to embrace us. "You remember mmmmy son Fin. Can't believe he's so old now!" she smiled at her son.
I have known Finn since his birth, I am his Godmother, but poor Annie can't remember what day of the week it is, so this detail always slips her mind. I hug Fin and with joke him about how many girls must be chasing him back in District 4. He smiles kindly, but for all his dashing good looks from his father, he inherited his mother's shy personality.
"Finn! Let us go find your father, he will want to see our dear friends." Annie turned to Fin waiting expectantly for him to take her by the hand to search for the man twenty years dead. Before Fin can speak, Peeta chimes in,
"But Annie, we saw Finnick already in the elevator. He said he was going to take a bath and would join us for dinner." Peeta's smile and voice almost make me believe that Finnick is only four floors above us relaxing the tub and not buried in a memorial miles from here in District Four.
"Good good! I'll think go lay down. Come along Fin!" Annie rises and looks towards her son.
"Go on mother, I'll be joining you in a bit." Fin assures her as one of the servants steps forward to guide Annie back to her suite on the fourth floor. I smile sympathetically at Fin.
"It's getting worse. Her relapses. They come more often now and last longer. Thanks for playing along Peeta. Last month Johanna came to visit and, well you know Johanna, mother cried for a week and we had to have another funeral. My father has had more funerals then he had birthdays!" Fin exclaimed quietly. Over the years Annie had given over thirty funerals for Finnick, because she kept forgetting he was dead and then finding out. Peeta and I tried to attend at least one or two a year. It's a comfort to her to know she has friends.
"You didn't know your father, boy, but I did and well. So trust me when I say he wouldn't mind being remembered so many times." Haymitch laughs and slaps Finn on the back. Finn is unsure how to take this at first, but decides Haymitch meant no insult and laughs good naturally, dazzling all of us with his father's smile. He excuses himself and goes his apartments, to be with his poor lost mother.
Our group disperses quickly after that, Effie goes to find the arrangements, Haymitch wanders off to find a drink, and Peeta says he's going to sit on the roof awhile. I am left alone in the lobby when I hear his voice.
"Hey, there Catnip." And I turn and he's standing there before me. Though the years have changed him, his hair now almost all grey, lines crossing his face, a slight stoop in his once strong stature, stands Gale his grey eyes piercing mine, piercing my very soul.
"Gale." I whisper as if he is a ghost. It has been twenty years since I last saw him. Twenty years since his battle plan killed Prim.
"Thought I might see you here, they've invited me to speak you see at the festival to speak on the progress Panem has made in the past twenty years." He says awkwardly, keeping his distance from me, afraid any moment I will launch my tiny body at him and drain the life from him. I put on my best smile and take a step towards him, so we are at comfortable speaking distance.
"Your family must be proud. Are they here with you?" I glance around looking for the girl Gale married hoping she is here, because if she is then there is no chance of him bringing up painful things of the past.
He shakes his head, "No, Sheena didn't come, she's back in District 2 with the kids." He awkwardly fidgets with his hands, and I stare back at him.
"Your mother says you have a houseful, six right?" I am hoping to keep this conversation to small talk and end it as soon as I see an opening.
"Yes, would you like to see?" He pulls out a photograph. There is a beautiful garden in the background. Gale stands with a woman who could only be Sheena, she has long blonde hair and fair skin, but what is most striking about her is her glimmering green eyes, so different from his dull grey ones. Gale points to the two boys standing with them, "That is Augusta and Augustine, they're twins, seventeen this year." The twins are more handsome then Gale was at that age, but only because they are better fed. He indicates the dark eyed-dark haired girl standing to the left of one of the boys, "That's Shine, she's fifteen and the blonde is Zenophia she's thirteen." Sadly for Shine, she doesn't live up to her name, she is dull the plainest of the children especially next to her blonde sister, who at thirteen already overshadows her in beauty.
"The youngest?" I ask indicating the small blonde girl with grey eyes. Gale hesitates for a minute.
"Primrose." He says quietly. The name causes a rock to sink in my stomach. Primrose? How dare he name his little girl that. After he's the reason she's dead!
"She reminds me, not to destroy the innocent to conquer the wicked." I gaze at him, unsure what to say, but before I have a chance he continues.
"I dream about her, she haunts me. You haunt me. I loved you Katniss. I was going to marry you. Then the Games changed it all, you fell in love with him. I couldn't change it. I tried to change your mind, but my time had been spent and you weren't mine to love anymore. Then the war came, and I thought maybe I had a chance, that he would die or he would never regain his memory, and I had hope. After the mission, I knew. I knew that your love for him would never die. No matter what they did to him, you would love him even if he couldn't return your love. Just as he once loved you, when you couldn't return his. I swear I didn't know Prim was going to be there. After I found out I wanted to die, because I had hurt you so much. For twenty years I lived with pain of loving you, of knowing I hurt you, of knowing you hate me, and of knowing Prim is dead because of me. I can't ever make up for it. I just want you to know, that ever since that day. I wish I could die, that it was my name drawn out of the lottery on reaping day, and I had gone to the arena instead of him, and that I had died there, protecting you. Then you could have gone home to your mother, to Prim, even to Peeta, and lived a different life then this. Then you would remember me as the boy who was your best friend, who died protecting you, as opposed to the man you hate." The speech has seemed to exhausted Gale and he sinks into a chair, his head hung low with shame, but his eyes shining with honesty.
I am stunned, twenty years my hate for Gale has lived in me, but at some point it had stopped growing and I didn't even realize it. Before me, I see a man, who has everything power, money, a family, but yet has nothing. He looks so much older then his thrity-seven years and suddenly I pity him. Yes, I have lived through horrible things, and yes, Prim's death was the most horrible of all. But I have managed subconsciously to place all of this behind me, to be happy with Peeta and our children, to grow a love and a life worth living. Gale has not, he has suffered this twenty years, trapped in the torment of his mind. Only, I can release him from it. I take his hand and squeeze it,
"I know." He gives a weak smile, suddenly we are back to the place we were on reaping day, on the hill eating blackberries and bread, that he traded with the baker for. He nods hugs me briefly and walks towards the door. I get up, get into the elevator, and travel to roof.
I find Peeta there looking over the city, just as he did twenty-one years ago on the night we thought we would die within a few days. I go to him and he wraps his arms me, I think of our two children. I think of our love tested and tied. I think of Prim, forever my darling little duck. For the first time in twenty-one years I am at complete peace with the world. I sigh with happiness as if a weight has been lifted from soul.
"What is it?" Peeta asks, the sun is sinking behind the skyline of Capitol throwing brilliant colors off the face of the buildings.
"I am no longer a piece in their games." I say quoting him from that night so many years ago.
He smiles, "I'm glad you can finally afford to think like that." Then Haymitch, Effie, Annie, Finn, Johanna, and Enobria clatter up the stairs and dinner served. And all is well.