Title: Reflections
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G
Rating: G
Distribution: Anyone who wants it, please ask.
Summary: Buffy's POV. Set in the future, Buffy has a chance to reflect over her life.
Spoilers: Up to Bargaining II.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the two tiny cells in my brain that actually function on a good day. Please don't sue! Feedback: Please, please, please! Did I mention please? Thanks: Once again to Rari for your excellent betaing and your kind compliments!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** How is it that time can go so slowly that you can actually feel yourself aging, yet also fly by, so that days merge into weeks, into months, into years? How can time pass you by without letting you notice it? I mean, one day, you're picking flowers and eating Easter eggs then before you know it, you find yourself looking at a pile of presents under a decorated tree, with snow falling outside. Where did the days go? I often hear myself asking if I've missed something. Then I realise I have. The sad truth of the matter is that I've missed a lot of life.
Take my life now, for example. It seems like only yesterday I was running around in the garden, playing with "imaginary friends" and making "mud pies". Yet, here I am in my late twenties weighed down by far more responsibilities than your average person, with a wonderful husband, two kids, a mortgage. oh yes, there's also my regular duty of patrolling to add to the already overwhelming list. How did life manage to pass me by?
I guess it hasn't completely, it's just that sometimes, I realise what a wonderful life I have now, and regret all the wasted time. Take the hundreds of mistakes I've made over the years. Looking back at my life makes me feel like such a fool. Time definitely brings clarity. So much has happened that seemed like good ideas at the time, and teenage crushes like the ones I had on Angel and Riley that at the time felt like love but bordered on obsession I now realise were obsessions based on lust and my neediness.
Oh yes, my neediness was my truest fault. I know most people are insecure to some degree; but I guess, I was just more so. Maybe it was due to my Mom and Dad's divorce, or facing death on a nightly basis at such a young age - in my first years of being the Slayer. What ever it is, it made me realize something: We all seek to find out who we are in the cosmos of life. We yearn for understanding, acceptance and a realization of one's worth. We place our security in the people around us, often letting them - and ourselves - down, and yet something deep within us continually believes in humanity despite the hurt we inflict on each other. So many of us have spent and will spend entire lifetimes searching love and never find it. We wonder why, but should we? It seems to me that the answers are as obvious as daylight. We grow up too fast, is my theory.
Look around at today's children. They've got their toys and their dolls, but what do they play? Mommies and Daddies. They want to be 'grown up', but they don't realise that it will all come too soon, and they'll be wishing they were young again, have a chance to relive their lives and take each moment as it comes instead of continually waiting for tomorrow to come. What will these children become in tomorrow's world? True, some of them are prodigies, and will grow to be scientific geniuses, great composers, missionaries. even Presidents and Prime Ministers. But what cost will they have to pay? I never would have imagined that I'd be a Slayer. Hell, I was always told that demons and vampires didn't exist. So I wasted my childhood in so many careless ways that I can't even begin to name them. Nobody warned me that a slayer never usually reaches her 18th birthday; maybe I'd have been wiser with how I spent my time, had I known.
"Plunge and move on." That's what Rupert always used to tell me. He always was right - he still is. That's one of the things I love about him. I remember what it was like when I turned twenty-four. The Council contacted Rupert and I, the first we'd heard from them in years. It turned out that Quentin had died, and as a result his followers being weak and feeble without their 'great leader' had fled the country, knowing what lay in store for them. I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter then, and was glad to be sitting down when I heard the news. Apparently, my twenty-first birthday had effectively put me into retirement. I recall thinking fast and asking if the same could be said for Faith. Apparently, it did as, for the last three years another Slayer had been at work somewhere on the other side of the world. I remember laughing hysterically for the next twenty minutes, Rupert looking at me as if I was insane, and this Watcher on the 'phone - I can't even remember his name - asking repeatedly "If I was alright". When I had sobered up, I tried to explain how it was funny beyond description that there is, according to Rupert's favourite saying, "but one Slayer in all the world, the Chosen One". And now there are three of us, fair enough, Faith's still in jail and I'm in retirement, but when you look at it, if every future slayer lives to their twenty-first birthday, we'll soon outnumber the bad guys and Slayers won't be needed. Of course, Rupert understood immediately, and slid down the kitchen wall onto the floor chuckling. The Watcher guy took a while, but he eventually got it.
Soon after, I had the pleasure of meeting this Slayer. She was young - only thirteen, but man, she was feisty - reminded me a bit of me and Faith when we got together. But it was good to see that she wasn't the type to roll over when she was told to. Knew how to speak her mind, didn't take orders very well - that sort of thing. I gave her the same advice Rupert had always given me. "Plunge and move on." She looked at me quizzically, and I tried to explain the philosophy I had recently adopted. "Don't let the bad stuff get you down. Deal with it as quickly as you can, if you can. If not, learn from it. After all, pain, sorrow and regret are life's greatest teachers. And we as pupils must learn, instead of turning a blind eye. And in the meanwhile, enjoy every good thing that life hands to you, because you never know when this life might end. Make each moment last and savour it, rather than just discard it." I think she got me. Well even if she's playing the same game as I did, taunting the Vamps before staking them instead of 'plunging and moving on', she must be doing a good job because she's still doing it, five years later.
She hasn't managed to put me out of business, 'though. I mean, can a Slayer ever really retire? I've still got my strength, speed and Slayer- healing so why not use them? After all, I've got two children to look after and they need protecting. So Rupert and I go out and patrol every once in a while. No regular pattern, just when we feel the need. In the meantime, we have other ways of spending our nights together. We've moved on.
I've really come to love that little phrase of Rupert's. I feel it depicts my whole life. I sure as hell had a nasty plunge when I found out I was the Slayer, but I moved on. I decided that if I was stuck with destiny, then I made sure that I would do a damn good job of fulfilling it. Rupert believes I succeeded - says I'm the greatest Slayer the world has seen. He's such a charmer. And when I take time to reflect, like now, I can look back at my relationships, and see the 'Plunge and Move on' principle at work there, too. Angel particularly, was a perfect example of when I had to move on. It took me so long, but I managed to do it. The plunge in that case was more finding the courage to sever my ties, but then getting involved with him in the first place was quite a plunge. Moving on always seems to be my downfall. That seems to be when I missed out on life most of all, as I couldn't enjoy life with my honey, and I couldn't get over him to enjoy life on my own. Riley was easier to get over. I think at that point I'd become aware of my love for Rupert and his for me. But we discovered that we couldn't move on, onto each other, because Mom got sick, and there was the whole Glory thing keeping us busy. keeping us apart. Oh yeah, and I died.
I'd already died once, before that. And you would have thought that would teach me a lesson, wouldn't you? Well, I never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. It took me dying a second time and Willow having to bring me back, to make me learn to seize the day. Of course, Dawn thought it was gross, and Xander freaked big time, but now that Dawn's an Aunt and Xander's a godfather they don't seem to care much about the age difference. Of course, sometimes things still get hard, or scary sometimes, but instead of running away as is my habit, I remember that I've got Rupert by my side. And I've still got Willow, Xander and the gang - which is ever growing as we make new contacts and friends. And I've got two wonderful children. I've vowed not too let any more of this precious life pass me by.
I was once reminded that just because the sky is cloudy, the sun hasn't stopped shining, or that the sky hidden behind it isn't blue. I feel like half of my life has wasted away to nothing, because I ignored this fact so often. It's so easy to wish your way past the painful moments and let them break you than to search for hope hiding behind the cloud of hurt and fear. In later years, we wonder why we let past situations control us rather than rising above them and mastering them. And more than that, we find ourselves thinking that life has passed us by. Which is right where I started, I know. But it's okay, because I have Rupert and the children now, and instead of focusing on my mistakes, I can concentrate on my family. **
I pull the plug from the sink as a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around my waist. "What are you thinking about, love? I've been calling your name for the last five minutes." I scoop up some of the suds still sitting in the bowl and flick them at him with a giggle. "Nothing special" I reply. He growls at me, pulling me tighter into his embrace, nuzzling my neck. "I was just reflecting." I insist, still giggling as he continues to nuzzle, sending beautiful vibrations shuddering through me. "Again?" He enquires in that sexy voice of his that he knows makes my knees go weak. "Mmmhmm" is all I can manage to get out. "Right then," he says as if he's about to give me an order - doesn't he know by now that I always disobey orders? - "In that case, I'm not going to let you do the washing up again. You always get too nostalgic." I lean into him, as I tilt my head backwards and smile at him. "Rupert, that's not exactly fair. It's the only chance I get to have quiet time - after all, for the rest of the time, we're busy making the most of every minute." "Quite." He agrees, lowering his arms around me slightly. "And I think we should go and make the most of the rest of the night." I shriek suddenly as he scoops me into his arms, but don't ask to be put down as he heads toward the stairs. I know what he has in mind, and I kinda like savouring moments like that.
END
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G
Rating: G
Distribution: Anyone who wants it, please ask.
Summary: Buffy's POV. Set in the future, Buffy has a chance to reflect over her life.
Spoilers: Up to Bargaining II.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the two tiny cells in my brain that actually function on a good day. Please don't sue! Feedback: Please, please, please! Did I mention please? Thanks: Once again to Rari for your excellent betaing and your kind compliments!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** How is it that time can go so slowly that you can actually feel yourself aging, yet also fly by, so that days merge into weeks, into months, into years? How can time pass you by without letting you notice it? I mean, one day, you're picking flowers and eating Easter eggs then before you know it, you find yourself looking at a pile of presents under a decorated tree, with snow falling outside. Where did the days go? I often hear myself asking if I've missed something. Then I realise I have. The sad truth of the matter is that I've missed a lot of life.
Take my life now, for example. It seems like only yesterday I was running around in the garden, playing with "imaginary friends" and making "mud pies". Yet, here I am in my late twenties weighed down by far more responsibilities than your average person, with a wonderful husband, two kids, a mortgage. oh yes, there's also my regular duty of patrolling to add to the already overwhelming list. How did life manage to pass me by?
I guess it hasn't completely, it's just that sometimes, I realise what a wonderful life I have now, and regret all the wasted time. Take the hundreds of mistakes I've made over the years. Looking back at my life makes me feel like such a fool. Time definitely brings clarity. So much has happened that seemed like good ideas at the time, and teenage crushes like the ones I had on Angel and Riley that at the time felt like love but bordered on obsession I now realise were obsessions based on lust and my neediness.
Oh yes, my neediness was my truest fault. I know most people are insecure to some degree; but I guess, I was just more so. Maybe it was due to my Mom and Dad's divorce, or facing death on a nightly basis at such a young age - in my first years of being the Slayer. What ever it is, it made me realize something: We all seek to find out who we are in the cosmos of life. We yearn for understanding, acceptance and a realization of one's worth. We place our security in the people around us, often letting them - and ourselves - down, and yet something deep within us continually believes in humanity despite the hurt we inflict on each other. So many of us have spent and will spend entire lifetimes searching love and never find it. We wonder why, but should we? It seems to me that the answers are as obvious as daylight. We grow up too fast, is my theory.
Look around at today's children. They've got their toys and their dolls, but what do they play? Mommies and Daddies. They want to be 'grown up', but they don't realise that it will all come too soon, and they'll be wishing they were young again, have a chance to relive their lives and take each moment as it comes instead of continually waiting for tomorrow to come. What will these children become in tomorrow's world? True, some of them are prodigies, and will grow to be scientific geniuses, great composers, missionaries. even Presidents and Prime Ministers. But what cost will they have to pay? I never would have imagined that I'd be a Slayer. Hell, I was always told that demons and vampires didn't exist. So I wasted my childhood in so many careless ways that I can't even begin to name them. Nobody warned me that a slayer never usually reaches her 18th birthday; maybe I'd have been wiser with how I spent my time, had I known.
"Plunge and move on." That's what Rupert always used to tell me. He always was right - he still is. That's one of the things I love about him. I remember what it was like when I turned twenty-four. The Council contacted Rupert and I, the first we'd heard from them in years. It turned out that Quentin had died, and as a result his followers being weak and feeble without their 'great leader' had fled the country, knowing what lay in store for them. I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter then, and was glad to be sitting down when I heard the news. Apparently, my twenty-first birthday had effectively put me into retirement. I recall thinking fast and asking if the same could be said for Faith. Apparently, it did as, for the last three years another Slayer had been at work somewhere on the other side of the world. I remember laughing hysterically for the next twenty minutes, Rupert looking at me as if I was insane, and this Watcher on the 'phone - I can't even remember his name - asking repeatedly "If I was alright". When I had sobered up, I tried to explain how it was funny beyond description that there is, according to Rupert's favourite saying, "but one Slayer in all the world, the Chosen One". And now there are three of us, fair enough, Faith's still in jail and I'm in retirement, but when you look at it, if every future slayer lives to their twenty-first birthday, we'll soon outnumber the bad guys and Slayers won't be needed. Of course, Rupert understood immediately, and slid down the kitchen wall onto the floor chuckling. The Watcher guy took a while, but he eventually got it.
Soon after, I had the pleasure of meeting this Slayer. She was young - only thirteen, but man, she was feisty - reminded me a bit of me and Faith when we got together. But it was good to see that she wasn't the type to roll over when she was told to. Knew how to speak her mind, didn't take orders very well - that sort of thing. I gave her the same advice Rupert had always given me. "Plunge and move on." She looked at me quizzically, and I tried to explain the philosophy I had recently adopted. "Don't let the bad stuff get you down. Deal with it as quickly as you can, if you can. If not, learn from it. After all, pain, sorrow and regret are life's greatest teachers. And we as pupils must learn, instead of turning a blind eye. And in the meanwhile, enjoy every good thing that life hands to you, because you never know when this life might end. Make each moment last and savour it, rather than just discard it." I think she got me. Well even if she's playing the same game as I did, taunting the Vamps before staking them instead of 'plunging and moving on', she must be doing a good job because she's still doing it, five years later.
She hasn't managed to put me out of business, 'though. I mean, can a Slayer ever really retire? I've still got my strength, speed and Slayer- healing so why not use them? After all, I've got two children to look after and they need protecting. So Rupert and I go out and patrol every once in a while. No regular pattern, just when we feel the need. In the meantime, we have other ways of spending our nights together. We've moved on.
I've really come to love that little phrase of Rupert's. I feel it depicts my whole life. I sure as hell had a nasty plunge when I found out I was the Slayer, but I moved on. I decided that if I was stuck with destiny, then I made sure that I would do a damn good job of fulfilling it. Rupert believes I succeeded - says I'm the greatest Slayer the world has seen. He's such a charmer. And when I take time to reflect, like now, I can look back at my relationships, and see the 'Plunge and Move on' principle at work there, too. Angel particularly, was a perfect example of when I had to move on. It took me so long, but I managed to do it. The plunge in that case was more finding the courage to sever my ties, but then getting involved with him in the first place was quite a plunge. Moving on always seems to be my downfall. That seems to be when I missed out on life most of all, as I couldn't enjoy life with my honey, and I couldn't get over him to enjoy life on my own. Riley was easier to get over. I think at that point I'd become aware of my love for Rupert and his for me. But we discovered that we couldn't move on, onto each other, because Mom got sick, and there was the whole Glory thing keeping us busy. keeping us apart. Oh yeah, and I died.
I'd already died once, before that. And you would have thought that would teach me a lesson, wouldn't you? Well, I never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. It took me dying a second time and Willow having to bring me back, to make me learn to seize the day. Of course, Dawn thought it was gross, and Xander freaked big time, but now that Dawn's an Aunt and Xander's a godfather they don't seem to care much about the age difference. Of course, sometimes things still get hard, or scary sometimes, but instead of running away as is my habit, I remember that I've got Rupert by my side. And I've still got Willow, Xander and the gang - which is ever growing as we make new contacts and friends. And I've got two wonderful children. I've vowed not too let any more of this precious life pass me by.
I was once reminded that just because the sky is cloudy, the sun hasn't stopped shining, or that the sky hidden behind it isn't blue. I feel like half of my life has wasted away to nothing, because I ignored this fact so often. It's so easy to wish your way past the painful moments and let them break you than to search for hope hiding behind the cloud of hurt and fear. In later years, we wonder why we let past situations control us rather than rising above them and mastering them. And more than that, we find ourselves thinking that life has passed us by. Which is right where I started, I know. But it's okay, because I have Rupert and the children now, and instead of focusing on my mistakes, I can concentrate on my family. **
I pull the plug from the sink as a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around my waist. "What are you thinking about, love? I've been calling your name for the last five minutes." I scoop up some of the suds still sitting in the bowl and flick them at him with a giggle. "Nothing special" I reply. He growls at me, pulling me tighter into his embrace, nuzzling my neck. "I was just reflecting." I insist, still giggling as he continues to nuzzle, sending beautiful vibrations shuddering through me. "Again?" He enquires in that sexy voice of his that he knows makes my knees go weak. "Mmmhmm" is all I can manage to get out. "Right then," he says as if he's about to give me an order - doesn't he know by now that I always disobey orders? - "In that case, I'm not going to let you do the washing up again. You always get too nostalgic." I lean into him, as I tilt my head backwards and smile at him. "Rupert, that's not exactly fair. It's the only chance I get to have quiet time - after all, for the rest of the time, we're busy making the most of every minute." "Quite." He agrees, lowering his arms around me slightly. "And I think we should go and make the most of the rest of the night." I shriek suddenly as he scoops me into his arms, but don't ask to be put down as he heads toward the stairs. I know what he has in mind, and I kinda like savouring moments like that.
END