Kylo Ren was on the verge of breaking.
He was suffering too much. All of it was happening in a blur. The Starkiller Base exploding into tiny bits of pieces, having him completely covered in wounds and bruises. He felt it a pull. A tug towards death but head fought it. Then he had to fight again. It was war against the Resistance and he was already losing himself. He himself knew that he wasn't already being himself.
Whenever he saw her by coincidence, his heart rate increased and he felt like a different person. No, he felt like he was back to his old self. Back to when his name was Ben Solo and he absolutely despised that. He despised that name and he despised having to go near her. No matter what the circumstances, they still saw each other and every time they did, they had to fight.
Why did they both have to be mortal enemies?
They both knew that from time to time they would feel this urge to just stop fighting and be held against each other's arms. But no, the Resistance had relied on Rey, being a new Jedi Knight and the First Order had relied on Kylo Ren being a Sith Lord. If only he could transport the both of them to anew would wherein they didn't have to fight each other and they only had themselves.
It was different and he was breaking. He wasn't as strong as her, both mentally and physically and she was the Light who tried to persuade him secretly back to the Light. Back to where Leia Organa was. He fought it. He fought it harder than any battles he had fought even with her.
He just wanted to disperse and be one with the Force. He was struggling so hard and not even one was to notice this. It burns, he thought. If only he could feel her with him. He wished that the aching would just stop, since she was the one who he needed. His heart hurts. It hurt for Rey and he was pretty sure that Rey was aware of that as well.
And so they fought, sometimes, while they were at it, they would talk normally like long lost friends but all comes to an end and one of them has to feel this burning pain again from the other's lightsaber. It hurt him watching Rey get hurt. He was being pressured by the entire world and he just wants this loneliness to end. He wants everything to end.
The last time they had fought he had looked at her with pleading eyes and Rey just wanted to cry at his words.
"Save me, Rey" Her name had rolled off his tongue as if they weren't enemies at all.
"Save you from what?" She had asked, her eyes were already starting to blur at the sight of him. He looked so pitiful that she would just stop the fight the First Order and the Resistance had just to save him from whatever he needed to be saved. When she had felt the Force within her, she felt his feelings.
She strangled a gasp when Kylo Ren had leaned on her shoulder and whispered into her ear "From myself" She felt it all. His sufferings and his loneliness and how he felt for her. Then he was taken away by a bunch of stormtroopers just as she was taken away by her friends. The last time she had seen him was when he was actually smiling at her and he had tears in his eyes. She wanted to break free from the hold and just hug him but she knew she couldn't.
So she smiled back with the same amount of tears in her eyes as well.
"Thank you" He had mouthed to her before he dispersed into the darkness. The next day, she had heard the most terrible news. Everyone in the Resistance was celebrating and she pretended like she was also glad. But in reality, she wasn't. She was just as sad as Leia Organa was. They both did not stay happy for long. They broke down into tears.
Rey blamed herself for this. She could have done something but no, she had to think about what was right. She had to listen to her brain and not her heart. All he wanted was saving from the rest of the world and from himself. He was in so much pain and not once was she able to do a single thing. But she did not know, that the first and last smile she had given to him was what saved him. It freed him from everything and he decided to do something that was reckless.
Kylo Ren was dead.