A/N: Well…writing this definitely made me cry and that's why everything is kinda all over the place and not as good as it would've been if I could've kept my feels in check.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

It was always hard without him. The two months he was missing, the three months after her shooting, the summer he was in the Hamptons. But it was different this time. This time he wasn't coming back. He was gone.

Kate shook her head at the thought as she took another swig from the bottle of scotch. He wouldn't want this. She thought. He'd want her to be okay. He wouldn't want her to just leave everything and everyone and drown her sorrows in alcohol. Like father, like daughter… The thought almost made her laugh.

But it wasn't helping anymore. The first couple of weeks it helped her sleep, dulled the aching in her heart, made her forget…even if it was for a little while.

Kate!

His last words still echoed in her ears. The last thing she heard before he tackled her to the pavement, saving her life, one last time.

Rick, no. No, please look at me.

She needed this to stop. Every goddamned second of that day replaying in her head, it needed to stop. It would eventually drive her crazy.

Please don't leave me.

A sob escaped her throat, catching her off guard. Kate emptied the remnants of the bottle with one last swig before sliding down the wall on to the kitchen floor. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, which only resulted in another sob.

I can't do this without.

There was so much they didn't get to do. So many things they had planned, things they were just starting to talk about. Being put through hell and back, you'd think you deserve a happy ending. Would that be too much to ask?

One moment they were walking down the street, hand in hand, and the next…he was bleeding out on the ground next to her. She was mad at him for doing what he did, for jumping in front of the bullet that came out of nowhere.

"How could you leave me alone?" Kate whispered to herself. "What happened to always?" God, she missed him. Needed him. She needed him by her side right now. His arm around her, telling her it was all going to be okay, that he was always going to be here, by her side no matter what. But that would be hard to do from six feet underground.

"I need you." She said softly, her voice cracking.

The scotch wasn't helping. If anything it was worsening the pain. Sleep. That's what she needed, she needed to sleep. Kate couldn't remember the last time she had an undisturbed night of sleep in the last three months. It was easier to go to bed here though; the Hamptons didn't hold as many memories as the loft did. Yeah, Beckett still hadn't stepped inside the bedroom but the couch was fine.

Two days after the funeral, she just left. Not a word to her dad or Martha or Alexis, she just left. Not sure where to at first but she couldn't take it anymore.

"It's not your fault." The boys and Lanie had told her countless times. It didn't make a difference. Because she knew if it hadn't been for her, Castle wouldn't have done what he did. And Alexis would still have her father, Martha her son. If it hadn't been for her…

Taking a deep breath, Kate brought her head up after a while and stood up. She was more drunk than she had thought. Making her way to the couch, she laid down and pulled the blanket over herself. He's gone; sooner or later I'm going to have to make peace with that. Kate thought to herself, she knew it was a lie; this was the one thing she knew she couldn't recover from. She'd known if anything happened to him, she wouldn't be okay. A part of her died with him. He was her north star, her partner in crime, her reason to smile. He was her everything…her always. How was she supposed to make peace with that?

A/N: Yes, it is all over the place. And…terrible. But this is new territory for me and this is not my usual type of writing, so I'm kinda trying a new thing. This was kind of like an impulse writing at 2am. And I didn't know how to end it properly so…yeah. Hope it's not too bad and thanks for reading.