A/N: First off, I'm breaking away from the norm and writing in present tense. We'll see how that works out. So I'm sorry for any tense mix-ups.
This takes place post-episode for 5:14, Say Something and was inspired by the Keith Urban song 'Tonight I Wanna Cry'.
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"Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought being strong meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry."
-'Tonight I Wanna Cry' sung by Keith Urban
--
After Lorelai slams her door shut, Luke perches himself on her porch steps for a moment. He isn't sure if he can walk anywhere. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he focuses on her words.
Had she just called him her ex-boyfriend?
Those words sting more than he'd like to admit. He places his hands over his face, attempting to block the tears threatening to spill over.
No.
He cannot cry.
After a few more deep breaths, Luke rises to his feet and begins the walk back to the diner.
He arrives at his dark, empty establishment quickly. Briskly, he walks through the diner, trying to somehow avoid the vacancy of the room. It seems to be mocking him.
Opening his refrigerator, he studies its contents. Not much. He hasn't eaten in his apartment since God-knows-when.
Luke grabs a beer from the one-short six-pack on the bottom shelf, and sinks into his recliner. He drinks it slowly, waiting after each swallow to see if the pain is gone yet.
It never is.
Eventually, he needs another.
And another.
Soon enough, all five of the beers from his fridge are gone. He walks back over to his kitchen, trying to find something else to drink.
Because he can still feel her.
He grabs a half-full bottle of wine from Lorelai's last visit and returns to his seat.
After deciding that the room is too quiet, Luke grabs the remote and switches on the television. The sound, ironically, is too loud.
And it reminds him of the days when she used to fill his apartment with noise.
He quickly lowers the volume until he can no longer hear it.
As the next hour passes, Luke doesn't move from his seat. He watches some old black and white movie – without the sound, of course – and drinks directly from the wine bottle.
The fruity substance slides down his throat and Luke grimaces. He never had liked the stuff.
But he would never tell Lorelai that.
On screen, the movie draws to a close. Luke looks up just in time to see the two main characters share a kiss. He snorts in disbelief before snatching up the remote and quickly shutting off the television.
Love. He lets out a short laugh at his foolishness. How could he ever believe it truly existed?
Luke blinks back the tears that come to his eyes when Lorelai and love appear in the same thought.
He had loved her, though. He'd loved her a lot.
And he never told her.
He realizes he's using the word 'loved'. It should be 'loves'.
Because that feeling never went away.
He loves her.
Luke blinks back more tears. He will not – cannot – cry.
He was never one to let his feelings show. 'Being strong means never losing your self control.' Someone had said that to him once. His father? Maybe.
Or maybe he just came up with it himself.
Either way, it was what he lived by.
Until now.
Because right now, Luke was just drunk enough to forget the saying. The wine bottle slips from his fingers and falls to the floor. Luke doesn't notice the remnants of the liquid running across the hardwood as he covers his eyes with his now empty hand. One tear slips through his fingers.
Then another.
And another.
Eventually, he is sobbing quietly as some woman with heavy make-up is holding up some cheap product in a Vanna White style on the silenced television. The salty tears run down his cheeks as he cries for the first time in so many years.
He's crying for his mother, because he never did.
For his father, who'd been his best friend.
For Liz, who's life he could never fix.
For Jess, because he gave up on him.
For Rachel, who he missed like hell.
For Nicole, because he was sorry for stringing her along.
And he's crying for Lorelai, the only woman he ever loved.
The tears continue and Luke loses track of time. And unintentionally, he cries himself to sleep in the armchair.
When he wakes in the morning, he takes a couple aspirin to relieve his headache before cleaning up the wine on the floor with a wet rag. He takes a shower, brushes the nasty hangover taste from his mouth, and puts on clothes that don't smell like alcohol.
And he goes down to the diner and works, just like he always has.
No one notices the subtle change. But even though they can't see it, Luke's had a weight lifted from his shoulders.
Because he finally let the unshed tears fall.
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The End