Day 1095 - Echo
It had been one thousand and ninety five days since Topher had brought Paul back from the dead. It's been two years and seven months since Topher "fixed" Paul's brain, giving him back the ability to love me as he once did. I just never realized it was going to take so long for Paul to start feeling it again, despite Topher's warnings that it could take time for the neurons to start firing again. Some days, it feels like a century. But three years have passed, and despite our location and jobs, not much has changed. A sigh escapes my lips as I stand at our kitchen counter, idly chopping up vegetables for dinner. Thanks to Adele and her connections, Paul, Priya, Tony and I have completely new lives here in Parker, South Dakota. Priya and Tony have married since we moved here, and Paul and I have the paperwork that says we are married as well.
How I wish that was true. How I wish he felt anything for me but the same need to protect me and friendship that he has felt for the past three years. I want nothing more than for him to love me once more. It's complicated, though, the way I love him. I've never felt anything like what I feel for him before. I'm no saint, of course, and Paul's not exactly one to show emotion – he's what most people consider 'prickly'. But I see such a different side of him, and when he smiles at me, it's like the whole world lights up for just that tiny amount of time. Sometimes I see him look at me, and I think maybe his brain is starting to find that bond, to find that tiny thread in his head that loves me and it's starting to work, but then it's gone, just that quick. Maybe it will never happen. Maybe I'm destined to just move through life loving a man who will never return the emotion. Sure, we share a bed, a home, and a life together. But sleeping beside someone every night, feeling their heart beating under your ear – well, it's hard when you want so much more from them than they can give.
Pain strikes hard in my head, causing me to gasp and drop the knife on the counter. The pain almost cripples me, threatening to send me to my knees right there in the kitchen. I'm used to it by now. Although Topher can't find anything on the scans he has done of my brain, I am sure the headaches are caused by whatever Alpha did inside my head. Having thirty-eight different personalities in one brain has to have some repercussions, after all. I shut my eyes against the light in the house, grabbing the counter with both hands. Our house isn't that big, but when I have a headache, it seems to take forever to get to our bedroom. I have to hold onto things as I shuffle my way down the hallway and into our room, where we always keep the shades shut and the curtains drawn, simply because of what's happening to me right now.
I sink into our bed, my pillow covering my eyes as I let out a slow, even breath. I wish I could be like a normal person and simply take a pill to dull the ache in my head, but the only thing that works is to wait it out. Having Paul here would help – when I get my headaches he'll just lay down beside me and hold me, and having my head on his chest, hearing his heart beating beneath my ear – well, it helps. I don't know why… maybe it's just knowing he's alive and well and there for me. It calms me for some reason. Letting out another slow breath, I close my eyes again, hoping Paul will get home from work soon.