Disclaimer: I do not own Mai-Hime or its characters; just taking them out for the first time for a little spin. Note, this is my first Mai-Hime fic. I am not entirely comfortable with this anime yet writing-wise; Dragon Age is more my thing. But, this would not get out of my head. I hope you like it.
Agony splatters across the page as vividly as blood. Her slender hand moves in a frenzy, fingers clenched tight around the old-fashioned pen she purloined from the knapsack beside her bed. The normally artistic, flowery handwriting now turns ugly, almost unrecognizable. Crimson eyes bright with a feverish glow stare unblinking at the blindingly white paper, pristine and unchanging, unlike herself. The Carnival had taken her, taken the normally vibrant young woman who loved her own vitality and friends and life in general…and crushed her into tiny little pieces.
The Carnival. Just thinking the word fractured the little remnants of her heart even further, an ache welling up inside her that could not, and probably would never, be wholly quenched. She, perhaps more than anyone, had lost much during the Carnival, and in the time afterwards. The pen stopped its frantic movement for a moment, blotting the page. The woman's jaw clenched as she reflected on the worst time of her life, a time when her tightly wound mask slipped so very far, costing her too much. The price was far too much to pay. The frown marring the beautiful, classic features the young woman possessed would have broken the heart of any who witnessed it.
Screams of anger, of pain rent the air, a symphony of evil and pain and everything so unlike the chestnut-haired girl in the midst of it. Orbs the color of freshly spilt blood glowed crazily, a small smile forcing its way onto the pale face; a tragic beauty. Dexterous fingers twirling the naginata with ease, promising a graceful death. The wicked blade whistles through the air, as ominous a sound as ever was heard. A cold, numbness that tore away all meaning, all sensation, until all that was left was the overpowering sense of love towards her, the woman who had kickstarted the downward spiral to begin with. Natsuki…
A single tear coursed down the perfect jaw, her pallor having whitened considerably during her reminiscence. A choked sound, or maybe it was a scream, threatened to tear itself from her throat, already raw from previous losses of control. It was almost funny, in a twisted sort of way. What would people say if they say the illustrious Shizuru Fujino sitting here at the small oaken table, emotion plain as day on her normally composed features? Why, nobody would believe it. Or, they would not have had they all not witnessed firsthand how looks can deceive. After all, who would have thought that the popular Kaichou of Fuuka Academy would essentially go crazy and kill fellow students and friends, all for the love of a girl who did not show a lick of interest?
Oh, she used to go on all the time, hoping and praying that her feelings would eventually be returned by her friend and "secret" crush, Natsuki Kuga. The infamous Ice Queen…how fitting. No matter how warm Shizuru had felt around the emerald-eyed girl, the heartbreak that had splintered her fragile mind after was almost not worth it. If she did not love Natsuki as much as she had, as she still did if she was being honest with herself, it would not have been worth losing herself in the process. Looking in the mirror, she no longer recognized the face staring back. Perhaps she never again would. The only thing her feelings had gotten her was a sea of regret and pain of the most vicious breed. Even now, almost a year after the Carnival, things had not improved between her and Natsuki.
The Fujino heir looked outside her window, listening to the birds chirping their songs of happiness and life, at odds with her own jumbled feelings. Natsuki had kissed her that day, telling her that the friendship was so important to her and that she loved Shizuru…loved,not in love with. The difference then did not seem like much, but now it was palpable and readily distinguished. She could still feel those warm, lightly moistened lips moving languidly against her own for a brief moment, a death so sweet and succulent. The warmth of that breath after lips parted fanning over her face, beautiful pools of liquid green pouring into her soul, begging for an answer to the question that had been slowly burning between them for awhile. Obviously, that question was not the same to Natsuki…
After the fateful kiss and what Shizuru viewed as a soft rejection, it had seemed like all was forgiven, at least from her important person. The supposedly cold biker had even tenderly held her as she cried over all the horrible things she had done, soothing her with touch and husky voice alone. Shizuru had even begun to believe her…until the touches and tender stopped. Natsuki had all but cut off contact once the elder had moved on from the academy, graduating with the top honor. Shizuru had opted out of attending the university in Kyoto that her parents dearly wished her to apply to. Instead, the local college in Fuuka sufficed. Although it was not distinguished like the one in Kyoto, Fuuka University had the one thing Kyoto would never have; a lessening of distance between her and Natsuki. Even then, after she had done the unthinkable, the unbelievable, she had foolishly hoped that things would turn out all right. Wrong. Happy endings did not come to those with evil in their hearts.
It had started slowly, the loss of contact. A couple visits a week dwindled to one, then intermittent get-togethers. Her cell rang less and less, the texts non-existent after awhile. Conversations were strained and awkward; eye contact, contact in general, was avoided at all costs. Shizuru began getting used to seeing Natsuki's back as she walked away from her, roaring away on her Ducati. And yet still, with all the evidence piling high against her, she dared to dream; to hope. Until that fateful day, when her hopes had shattered and her dream was proven to be just that; a dream.
Sandaled feet clapped against the sidewalk, belonging to a kimono-ed girl with an easy smile. Or at least, what appeared to be an easy smile. What motions her mouth did were never easy anymore. Shizuru had decided to actually vacate her dorm room on the grounds of Fuuka University, her palate needing the deliciousness that only her special tea could evoke within her. It was one of the few things that still held meaning to her, and apparently the only one that did not disappear. Her feet took her to the little coffee shop she loved; her body knew the way by heart. Maybe a scone alongside the coffee would brighten her mood and put a smile on her face. As she neared the door, anticipation roiling within her gullet, crimson eyes beheld a sight that immediately crushed her, destroying the vestiges of her sanity and composure. Natsuki, her Natsuki, was seated at a table inside along with Mai, Mikoto, and several other former Hime's. That was not what captured her attention, however. It was the red-headed seductress seated beside Natsuki, green eyes solely fixed the bluenette's face. Slowly, mischievous orbs aimed at the target, those sensuous lips crouched ever closer, until finally, they reached the destination. A reddening cheek was brushed so delicately, as if made of porcelain. All the while, green stayed locked with viridian. ..
Even now, she became choked up at the thought of any lips touching that beautiful face. After witnessing the scene, Shizuru fled, tears prickling her crimson eyes as she desperately tried to force her mask back in place. Most people would not have gotten so emotional over the sight of a kiss to a cheek; it certainly was not on the lips, was it not? For most that would be true, but not with Natsuki Kuga. Any who knew the girl knew her to never let such close contact be permitted, especially from lips. But, she had not even protested from the looks of it, just blushing whilst the others laughed and cooed. What surprised her most of all that it was from a girl she thought Natsuki was not fond of. Obviously, a lot had changed since she had been Kaichou. It seemed as if she was officially replaced, carefully phased out by Nao. It seems I never held your heart at all; maybe I never even had a chance. The distraught college student had still waited patiently by phone, just in case the Fuuka rebel decided to grace her with the lovely deepness of her voice. Yes, Natsuki would call and they would chat like no time had elapsed; it would turn out that her and Nao were not seeing each other, that it was all a misunderstanding. They'd laugh and Natsuki would tease her for a change and everything would be right in the world. Only...the call never came.
Now, a full eleven months to the date that her world was turned on its axis, Shizuru was writing a letter addressed to her beloved. The Kyoto born had already lost enough years waiting on the biker; it was time to let go. She just never knew it would be this hard…nails dug into sensitive tissue, palms emitting tiny droplets of her life essence, staining the simple table. Her clothes and possessions were already packed and ready, the room bare and utterly androgynous. If looked, nobody would know that Shizuru Fujino once lived here. The woman leaned back, her muscles aching in tempo with her heart. The letter stared back at her, filled with the rawness of her despair and emotions, blatant honesty laced in every broken word. Several ink, tear and even blood blotches covered the once flattened paper, now crinkled in areas. A small rip in the corner, courtesy of a wayward fingernail, winked at her. The note was in no way perfect; in a way, it was symbolic of herself.
A sigh filtered from dry lips, rising up in the direction of the low ceiling above. She had addressed the letter to Natsuki, not content to just up and leave without some form of communication. Not that Natsuki would probably care…ink-stained fingers tousled already mussed honeyed locks, an obvious sign of distress in the sole Fujino heir. Shizuru had explained to the bluenette why she just up and left without any warning. It turns out the great Fujino did have a breaking point; she had finally succumbed to her parent's wishes and signed for transference of her credits to the university at Kyoto. She would major in business, taking over the reigns for the Fujino empire. Although that was far from her mind on the list of things to do, she accepted the truth of the matter. Natsuki would never feel the same for her, no matter who she was seeing. The Carnival had severed whatever they once had, tainting something that had the start of beauty. Shizuru knew she was technically running, but it was not like she was being pursued. Moving back to her home…it would be safe and more importantly, give her a chance at redemption. She could start anew, no longer afraid of judging gazes and hate-fueled looks.
Trembling fingers folded the imperfect paper, sliding it into the envelope and writing down the address she knew by heart. She grabbed her knapsack, slinging it over a shoulder. She took one last look at the room that had housed her for the last year; sighing once more, she left without a backwards glance.
Her car slowly cruised down the street she knew by heart, body thrumming with nervous excitement, despite her judgment. This was the apartment Natsuki had gotten to share with Nao, Mai and Mikoto. Mai, after the events of the carnival, had broken it off with Tate, having discovered that her feelings had been taken by someone else. Shizuru had always thought something more than friendship burned between the two women, and apparently they had felt it too. They had been dating for almost seven months now, and were going strong from what she had heard. Her feet sluggishly hefted her up the gray porch steps, taking in the cute little building her former friends and almost(if you could call it that) lover dwelled in. Her chest panged. Her hand brushed the railing as she walked up the steps, reaching the door unadorned with nothing except a number ironed on, a cold unyielding silver. Not wanting to be caught, Shizuru hastened to place the small letter at the bottom of the door, sliding it under so she would be sure it would be seen.
Straightening up, Shizuru allowed one final moment of regret to seep through her body. Her friendship with Natsuki seemed to pass by in fast-forward, a movie playing in her mind. Her palm lay flat against the white painted door, sadness washing over her. A solitary tear fell down onto the ground beneath her feet, her chest constricted tight. Head hanging, the woman walked away from the woman she loved more than life itself. As she was buckling up in her car, she felt a sort of awareness wash over her. Glancing up, she saw Natsuki by herself, sliding off her beloved motorcycle with ease. Eager eyes desperately took in what she thought to be the very last sight of the girl that would ever be seen. Blue cascaded over a back covered in dark leather as the helmet was lifted slowly off the head. The girl fiddled with her beloved bike for several moments before deeming it to be alright. Helmet underneath an arm, the student headed towards the stairs leading to her apartment when she froze. Almost as if sensing eyes on her, she slowly turned around, emeralds intense and filled with curiosity. Shizuru ducked down, peeking slightly over the dashboard. After a few contemplative moments, Kuga must've deemed the coast to be clear, for she thumped up the steps before disappearing from view.
The love scorned Kyoto woman dropped her forehead on the steering wheel, sobs not even bothering to censor from her mouth. After seconds of letting her anguish flood out, she sat up straight and wiped away the moisture. What was done was done; no use crying now. That'd come later, when she was safely tucked away in her bed, at home in Kyoto. Shizuru carefully pulled out of her spot, driving away for the last time. Farewell, my love. Be…be happy, even if it's not with me. That's all I have ever wanted. Crimson eyes never looked back. If she had, she might have seen a girl clad in biker clothes sprint out from seemingly the building itself, tears streaming down a bewildered face as eyes frantically looked around for a woman bearing red eyes.