:'(
He never thought he'd be in this position. Watching someone so close to him suffer so much broke his heart completely into a million little pieces. It was a feeling that made him go nuts, knowing there was nothing he could do about it. He wanted to make a difference. He wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be. But there was nothing he could do, and he absolutely hated it.
He hears the loud cries of his baby sister, and he feels like he can't take it anymore. He hates seeing her like this. Part of him wishes that she would just get better. And then, there's a part of him that wants God to take her away, because he hates to see her suffer so much.
He just wants her to be happy again. He wants her pain to go away. He wants to see her smile for once. Is that too much to ask?
He sits on the edge of the couch with tears rapidly gathering in his emerald orbs. The television is playing a silly cartoon in front of him, but his attention is not on the little moving figures. No, his thoughts are somewhere else far, far away.
Katie, she's giving up on everything and everyone, and he just can't do anything to lift her spirits up. It breaks him inside. It completely deteriorates his heart. He feels like as she's falling, he is falling as well. He knows she is his rock; without her he is nothing.
His little sister's cries penetrate the air around him. He can't breathe. The air has left his lungs. His world is falling apart. Nothing makes sense anymore to him. He wishes he could simply curl up into a little ball and disappear into a world where there is no more pain.
He wants to die. He's thought about it. Sometimes, he grabs a knife from the kitchen counter and holds it just above his wrist. But he's a coward. Most of the time he doesn't even have the guts to make it slice into his flesh. But when he does, he feels like a fool afterwards.
He lifts his knees up to his chest and buries his face against them. Silent tears leak out of his eyes and slowly roll down his pale cheeks. He sobs into the fabric of his jeans and wraps his arms around his legs, finally letting everything go.
Guilt.
He feels like Katie's suffering is somehow his fault. He doesn't really know what he did, but he's positive he has something to do with it.
He hates himself for everything. He has hated himself for a long time now, but lately his self-hatred has grown. He wants to kill himself. He deserves to die. His life is nothing but a mistake in his eyes. He is a mistake in his eyes. He should have never been born. That's what he believes, and each day, those thoughts make more and more sense to him.
But his baby sister needs him. He can't leave her like this. For her, he has to stay strong; to keep going. She is his rock, and with her, he feels like he can conquer anything. But once she's gone, he is sure he will die as well. Either that or he will go completely insane.
Whichever comes first.
I'm sorry… I needed to… Yeah, I have nothing to say…
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)