Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Plot is mine. No money…Don't' sue…Dirt poor.
Summary: Harry and his lover get into a fight. Harry takes drastic measures. What will happen?
A/N: Caution: This story contains self injury and implied slash. Is you don't like then don't read. Constructive criticism is welcome. No bashing the author for themes because I warned you. Enjoy.
'No!' His heart screamed in agony. He had left again. For the second time in his life, his savior, his love, had walked out on him. 'How could I be so stupid? I just had to open my mouth. No, I need to go after him.'
Harry ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He would run to the end of the world for him. "Please, wait."
Stormy gray eyes met emerald. The silence only magnified the conflicting sparks of anger, hurt, and love in their eyes. His mind had been lost in emotions until that familiar Gryffindor voice echoed in the deserted hall. Every fiber in his body told him to run but his feet remained planted to the cold stone tile.
"Please…" The raven-haired boy took one step closer to reach him but stopped as the blonde flinched back. Harry knew it was his fault and that stun him deeper than anything he had ever felt before.
"NO!" The blonde yelled.
No one heard the echoing screams of his voice. The school was deserted. The school had been raided during the final battle and had yet to be fixed up. It would not be suitable for use until September. It was only June and all the teachers were gone. Either they were dead or deserted it until they absolutely had to come back. Harry was here for several reasons. It was peaceful and familiar. It was home. Though it held horrid memories, it was somehow a comforting place. Draco had shown up a few days after for 'personal reasons.' This was his home as much as it was Harry's.
"I opened up to you and you push me away. I should have never trusted you. I should have known you would hurt me like everyone else. Don't try anything Potter or you will regret it." Tears pooled behind his eyelids but he fought the urge to cry. Harry had lost the right to see the real Draco, or anything of a 'friend' after this. It was worse than an unforgivable. It was Betrayal.
Harry remained silent through the tirade but every hot, slick tear stung his cheeks as each word sunk in. Harry knew words would get him no where so he swung around and ran. In the heat of the moment, Harry never noticed the Marauders' Map fall from his pocket; still enchanted to show his retreat.
Draco stood silently and watched his boyfriend run. He had seen the hurt in his eyes and began to feel guilt in the pit of his stomach. Not just guilt, but fear. Draco knew he was being irrational, though he had every right to, in his behavior but he was also well aware of how Harry had a tendency do something drastic, and crazy, when he was in pain. Slowly, he walked over to where Harry was standing moments before and picked up the neglected parchment. He looked at it and paled as he saw a small, black dot motionless in a room he knew to well. It was labeled 'Harry Potter'. (A/N: I know he is the only other one there but Draco has never read the map, remember? Just so that is clear.)
SAME TIME, FROM WHERE HARRY IS
'No, I can't believe I did that. Need to get away. Now! I know what I need. Nothing will stop me.' Harry was panting as he reached the 7th floor corridor that held his hidden salvation. The blank wall stood mockingly there, in front of him, waiting to be opened. It knew what would happen behind its hidden walls. 'Need a place to think, to feel, and to be free.' He concentrated and paced back and forth 3 times. Immediately, a door appeared on the empty stone. Harry hurriedly entered and slammed the door. It wasn't like it mattered; nobody would hear or catch him. He was alone and always would be; As Draco so blankly pointed out.
The room was so different now. It was nothing like the room Dobby had shown him in his 5th year. Even though the room always changed, it had always been bright. Now, it was dark. Faded silver and pitch black curtains draped the walls, the ceiling was enchanted to look like a black hole, and a pile of ordinary objects, that meant the world to him right now, lay in a heap on the floor. A mirror, a towel, and a scalpel; It had been so long.
Harry sat down, in front of the items, with his back to the wall. He was focused on the mirror first. He placed it in front of him so his entire body was visible before his eyes. Harry threw the towel across the room. He had no use for it. Watching the blood flow was a simple yet powerful comfort. Lastly, the cool metal of the scalpel rested on his thigh. He removed his shirt so that he was only in a pair of low slung black, cotton pajama bottoms. His feet were bare and now so was his chest.
It had been so long. The old scars were now faded into white, barely visible streaks. Constant reminders of the horrors he lived thru and the troubles he faced. It had been several months since his last duel against the turmoil and knife. The urge had risen countless times but he had stopped himself. He had something to live for and now that something was gone. Draco would never know the happiness he had bestowed on Harry's neglected soul. Draco still never knew of the horrors. After all they had gone thru; he was still in the dark. Concealment charms and long sleeves hid every piece of evidence against his shattered body.
The inner struggle was a losing battle; Without Draco's stability, he was succumbed by the darkness he felt. It loomed over him as though a darkened cloud covered his sunshine. At last, he found peace…or so he thought.
The cool metal slipped across his arm in orchestrated patterns. They were not simple lines. Each mark was a feeling that blended smoothly into three powerful words that he thought no one would ever see. 'Lost, Sorry, and Forgive.'
'Lost was etched delicately in his right arm. Sorry was more free and fluent on his left arm. Forgive was done raggedly across his left thigh.'
The pain was instant and burning but he felt nothing. The warm, red liquid flowed from his arms and leg into a puddle beneath him. Each word was a different depth. The bleeding wouldn't stop and Harry dropped his head back lazily. His eyes slowly found comfort in the darkness of his eyelids. It was only a distant cry of pleading that kept him alive. Someone was working fast to heal him. Tears dropped on his skin and bandages placed around his wounds.
Harry was sure the words were not visible but he was barely focusing. As the blood flow ceased, his eyes fluttered slowly open. It was obvious that he had been unconscious for a couple hours. A tired Slytherin lay nestled against him with his arms draped around his waste, protecting him.
Harry watched the Slytherin sleep. He knew things were unfixable but that would be dealt with later. He was content with not disturbing the blonde until nightmares began to plague his mind. His scar seared but this was not from Voldemort. He was long since dead. This was from guilt.
FLASHBACK (Earlier the same evening)
"Do you ever wish you could leave this place? You know, to go away and live peacefully with a family." Harry asked Draco
Draco nuzzled back against Harry as he responded. "I never thought about it. I was always expected to be like Lucius so I never had a chance to dream. A Malfoy never dreamed." Draco replied sullenly.
"Oh. Do you think about it now?"
"I don't know. Do we really have to think about it right now? For the first time, we are both free. Voldemort is dead and all the Death Eaters were destroyed also. Can't we just be happy with that for right now?" Draco turned swiftly and caught the raven-haired boy in a mind-blowing kiss. The fire roared behind them as the kiss between them deepened. Draco ran his tongue over Harry's lower lip, seeking entrance. It was soon granted by the mesmerized boy. Each tongue tasted the crevices hidden in the opposing mouth and fought for dominance. The passion generated between the two came to an abrupt halt as Harry roughly pulled away. Draco looked hurt as Harry spoke before he thought about his words.
"This is wrong."
"Why? You didn't seem to think so a minute ago."
"You are a Malfoy. It just can't happen."
Draco flinched at the use of his last name. He and Harry had been on a first name basis for 6 months now. They had found a friend in one another; an understanding that no one could provide. No one knew of there friendship but no one needed to.
"A Malfoy? I tell you my feelings and you make it as if the last 6 months was only a dream, or nightmare (I guess). I hate to tell you but they weren't. If you don't want it then fine, but don't ever tell me it is wrong because I am a MALFOY. I would forsake my name if I was not the last in my line and you know that. So tell me the truth."
Harry stared at him with a blank expression and wide eyes.
"At least answer me this. Did it feel wrong?"
Almost before Draco had finished the question, Harry had answered. "No."
"So tell me the reason."
"I can't."
With that, Draco had stormed from the room. He never looked back and did not hear the plea Harry yelled after him. "Because I love you and it scares me."
Flashback Ends
He relived every event slowly in his head. The pain was too much. He was screaming desperately in his sleep. He could feel a hand rubbing his back as he carefully held him tighter. The warmth brought him out of a trance. The only words connecting from his brain to his mouth were the forgotten ones. "I'm sorry. I love you and it scares me."
Harry sobbed in his sleep state for a long time. After his declaration, he had resorted back to mumbling incoherently into Draco's shoulder.
Draco had felt betrayed and only come looking for Harry out of fear. Ha had been right. Harry had resorted to drastic measures. Never would he have believed Harry could do this. In his life, Lucius had subjected Draco to several forms of torture. Crucio, abuse, and knife wounds were some of the worst. He remembered the pain and the guilt swallowed him as he thought that Harry could willingly do that. That he had been the reason.
When Harry had calmed down once more, Draco decided to remove the bandages and see the damage. What he found was sickening. The blood had been cleaned away and the bandages removed to reveal the marred flesh beneath. His right arm was first. Draco saw 'lost' written delicately and traced it lightly with his fingertips. Next, he unraveled the cloth on Harry's left arm and let out a choked sob when he saw the deepness of the word 'sorry'. By now, Draco felt sick and was tempted to leave the final bandage alone, but he had to know. Slowly, his hands traveled gently down to Harry's thigh and revealed one final, jagged scar on the once perfect skin. 'Forgive' was etched in with such raw passion that Draco didn't know what to do. Instinctively, he jumped up, trying (but failing) not to disturb his sleeping Gryffindor.
He found a bucket, dropped to his knees, and puked. The pleading and viciousness of each mark made him queasy. Draco had seen torture, even felt it, but nothing prepared him for this. After he had finished, the bucket disappeared and he sat, curled in a ball, with his back to Harry. He was thinking about what to do next though his mind was blank.
"You're going to leave again, aren't you?" Harry's voice was clam and he too was curled in a ball. His knees were drawn up to his chest as he rocked himself back and forth and studied the floor with his eyes. Neither looked at one another and silence filled the space between them.
"Why? Those words…" Draco trailed off, unsure of what to say.
Harry suddenly became aware that he was still in only his bottoms. Harry protectively placed his hands over the words sculpted in his arms.
By now, Draco had turned to face him. Harry could feel the silver-grey eyes watching him but refused to meet them. How did Draco make him feel so dirty and ashamed without knowing it? Harry had done this before and this was the first time he had been caught. Especially by someone he loved.
"Did you mean it?"
"That I am sorry? Yes; More than anything." Harry answered truthfully.
"No, that you wouldn't tell me anything because you love me and that scares you."
"You- you heard me?"
"Yes, every word. Do you not think it scares me too? It took more courage than I could have imagined telling you how I feel. I have liked you since second year. You could never know how hard I crashed when you turned me down. Especially after your reason." Draco looked as if he were about to cry. He tried to hold it back. It was more out of habit than anything. Lucius had said it showed weakness and that a Malfoy never cried. Draco didn't care now. Harry had seen him cry but only after pushing him into subjects he did not wish to relive.
"Draco…"
"Shh. Just promise me you will never do it again. Please."
"I don't know if I can."
"Bloody hell Harry. You scared me to the bone, today, when I found you here in a pool of your own blood, barely breathing. I don't want to lose you. No one will hurt you while I am around and that includes you." Draco's anger was masked with fear as the tears finally escaped. It had been a losing battle. He rocked himself back and forth, as Harry had been doing, and buried his head in his knees.
Harry moved silently to sit behind Draco and cradle the shaking blonde in his arms. Draco went rigid for a second but soon relaxed at the familiar touch. He nestled against the crook in Harry's neck and slowly calmed down. Harry continually rubbed small circles on his lower back and spoke soothing words. This was the only way he knew how to calm Draco down. This was not the first breakdown he had witnessed. They had spent many a nights in the Room of Requirement; talking, arguing, crying, and just caring for one another.
"Draco, I was lost today. I thought you would never forgive me no matter how sorry I was. This is the only way I know how to cope."
"You've done it before, haven't you?" Draco asked solemnly, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, for several years now. I have used concealment charms to cover it, but you saved me. In the months since you have been there, I haven't done it. I thought of you and instantly forgot the pain. Thank you." Harry ran his hand through Draco's hair and kissed his head gingerly.
"Why?"
I don't know if I can fully answer that. For the longest time, I have felt that I was the cause of everyone's pain. If they had to suffer then so should I, by my own hand. I watch the blood flow almost as if to see the troubles drip away." Draco shifted uncomfortably but remained silent. "Draco, I can leave if you wish." He said quietly. He was giving Draco a way out but desperately hoping he wouldn't take it.
"No, stay. I have no right to be angry with you after I found out the reason; if it is true?" He spoke softly.
"I love you." Harry turned to cup Draco's face in his hands and gave him a hungry kiss. After air became an issue they both pulled away, panting.
"I love you too." Draco smiled and pulled Harry to him. "Even if you are a prat."