AN: if you like case fics or lots of action then this story is not for you. Mostly just Tony thinking.
Tony rubbed his eyes in an attempt to wipe away the tiredness that clawed at him. He looked round the empty squad room as he tried to decide whether it was a sign of age that the frequent drives to Rhode Island over the last few days seemed to have exhausted him.
He swivelled round a few times in his chair trying to generate a light-hearted mood but stopped when it all it did was make him nauseous. He wondered if this was another sign of age: he recalled a time when he could ride giant roller coasters all day while snacking on chilli dogs and milk shakes. He sighed as he realised he had come to a halt facing his noticeboard with its photo of him in his Remington Military Academy days.
Tony reached out a hand and unpinned the picture. He remembered that Bishop had been fascinated by the trip to his last prep school; he wondered what would have happened if Gibbs had decided to accompany him to Rhode Island instead of assigning Ellie. He suspected that Gibbs would have concentrated solely on the case of the murdered marine unlike Bishop whose attention was split between the case and the search for Cadet Tony. Bishop had successfully unearthed something of the teenaged Tony and gone gleefully away with her spoils. The adult Tony, trying to divert his inquisitive co-worker, had unexpectedly also come face to face with the teenaged Tony but his encounter brought him less satisfaction than Ellie had felt.
Tony looked at the photo of himself as flag bearer and tried to remember what it had felt like to be a military school cadet. Even at his most optimistic Tony could not say that he saw innocence in the expression on young Tony's face. Tony thought he would have to look at the photo of his eight year old self with his mom to find an expression of wide eyed innocence. He grimaced as he remembered how soon after his mother's death the adults around him let him down and failed to live up to their responsibility to a young child coming to terms with loss.
No, Tony thought, there was no innocence in Cadet Tony's expression. But there was resolve and determination and perhaps even optimism. Military academy had, against all the odds, proved to be good for Tony. He had found people who valued him and believed in him; who had challenged him and directed him; given him something more than just himself to believe in; who had given him the motto of Truth, Valour, Duty. RMA had sent him out into the world less broken than when he had arrived as a boy full of resentment and insecurity which he veiled with a cocksure arrogance. His first visit as an adult had made him doubt all those values so painfully acquired.
Tony thought back to the conversation he had had with Piggy when he had revealed that Coach Tanner had not lived up to his promises and that Piggy had lived in fear at RMA. Tony could still recall the anger in Piggy's voice when, in response to Tony's apology, he had accused him of not asking the right questions.
Tony sighed again and stared across the squad room. He hoped that the adult Tony could not be accused of not asking the right questions or of letting things slide for the sake of a quiet life. He didn't think that was the case; nearly two decades of police work had made it impossible for him not to probe beneath the surface. The motto of Truth, Valour, Duty which, almost against his will, he had embraced didn't make for a quiet complacent life.
Tony's mind drifted back to his time at RMA. He had told Ellie the truth when he said he tried to forget about it but he found that he remembered more than he'd expected. What he didn't know, however, was why RMA had worked for him. Why had it turned him round as it had done scores of other messed up kids? Was it success on the basketball court? Was it the kind but firm teachers who refused to rise to his provocation? Was it the unlikely friendship that had arisen between him and Piggy? Perhaps. Or perhaps, without knowing it, he had simply been tired of the constant fighting and rebellion and just wanted somewhere to belong? Perhaps it didn't matter, sometimes even Tony had good luck. Somehow, however, Tony wanted and needed to know the answer.
Tony didn't think he'd left RMA naïve. He might have been optimistic, ready to believe that he could achieve something but Tony was fairly sure that his younger self had already been aware that people didn't always deliver what they promised and didn't always live up to their own standards. The years before RMA had been too painful to allow his wariness to be wiped out completely. Tony wondered if his adult self had been a little embarrassed by his transformation at military academy. He knew that Senior couldn't quite believe that his troublesome son had somehow morphed into the model cadet who made the Dean's list. His childhood love of movies had been revived with Piggy's friendship and, in later years, he thought that his conversion from wild kid to good kid was too much like a feel-good Mom film and he had kept quiet about it.
DiNozzo had told Coach Tanner that he no longer held to the motto, the code of Truth, Valour, Duty but he knew that wasn't true. He no longer needed to proclaim the words because they had somehow become as much a part of him as his DNA. Of course, he disguised it. He loved movies but he didn't want anyone to know that he was in some ways like an old fashioned movie star hero. Was that why he was good at undercover work? He practised it every day of his life.
Tony rubbed his eyes again but then smiled at the memory of the second meeting with Piggy … sorry, Travis. It was symbolic perhaps that they met halfway between Rhode Island and DC. It had soon become clear that Tony was not the only one who had been thinking.
Flashback
"It wasn't your fault," Travis blurted out almost as soon as he and Tony had settled into the booth of the roadside diner.
"I know," said Tony, "you picked this place out. Definitely not my fault if it turns out to serve grease with a side of germs." He picked up the menu gingerly.
"Not that," said Travis, "and besides, it's better than it looks."
"It would have to be," said Tony.
"It wasn't your fault that I had a rough time at RMA," said Travis.
Tony frowned, "Like you said. I didn't ask the right questions."
"You were just a kid," said Travis, "it wasn't your responsibility."
"I should have known," said Tony stubbornly.
"And I could have said something," said Travis.
"As you said, we were kids," said Tony, "I don't blame you for not saying anything. It was the adults who let us down."
"And you were good to me," said Travis.
"I was?" asked Tony, "That doesn't sound like me."
"That first day. When we were doing PT. You looked out for me. Stood up to that bully." He hurried on when he saw Tony open his mouth to speak, "And you didn't do it just because you wanted to annoy him. You were being kind."
"Kind? Me? You got the wrong person, Piggy. Sorry, Travis," said Tony.
"It's all right. You can call me Piggy," said Travis.
"Really?" said Tony with a brilliant smile. "Thanks."
"Just don't tell anyone," said Travis.
"I don't remember being that nice to you," mused Tony.
"Not sure I'd say nice," reflected Travis, "but you treated me like a human being and not a tub of lard."
Tony shrugged as a way of changing the subject, "so what do you recommend? Preferably something that won't give me botulism. Or salmonella. Or …"
"Don't be so fussy," said Travis. "I don't remember you being such a drama queen."
"Years of practice," said Tony absently.
"I shouldn't have blamed you," said Travis.
"No, you're right," said Tony, "I do have a flair for the dramatic."
"Not that," said Travis. "I blamed you for not speaking up when we were kids but I was worse."
"How so?"
"I knew what's been going on at RMA for years. And I stood by and didn't say anything. And I can't blame that on being a kid."
"No," said Tony, "but it's hard to let go of what happened when we were kids."
"But …"
"Hey," said Tony, "you spoke up in the end. We wouldn't have found the killer without you. Hold on to that."
"But …"
"Travis. Enough. I'm still waiting for you to steer me through this bacteria broth and germ …" said Tony. He broke off when he saw a grim-faced waitress standing by their table. He tried one of his charming smiles but he wasn't sure it was going to work.
END FLASHBACK
The conversation with Travis had helped relieve Tony's burden of guilt although he couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if the teenaged Tony had been less absorbed in the novelty of being successful and liked. Would he have been able to influence Coach Tanner about Honour Corps? Would he … Tony shook his head as he decided that the what if scenarios were pointless.
Tony looked again at the RMA photo. It was getting dog-eared now; hardly surprising as it had been nearly a year since he first attached it to his noticeboard. Twelve months during which he had continued to meet with Travis at the diner in Passaic. Twelve months in which he had managed to avoid food poisoning and had finally charmed Eileen the grim faced server into submission. Twelve months during which Travis had kept him up to date with changes at RMA. Twelve months in which Tony had found himself increasingly interested in the future of his alma mater. Twelve months which had just ended with him making the long journey to Rhode Island twice in three days. He wondered if he had made the right decision.
FLASHBACK
"Thank you for coming, Mr DiNozzo. I'm Colonel Mark Ambrose and I'm chairing the selection panel. This is the finance Director Felicity Dupres. Jeremy Goodison is representing the parents of our students."
Tony nodded politely.
"I apologise for calling you back once more," said Ambrose.
Tony shrugged.
"We sensed from your first interview for the post of Provost that you were unsure about your suitability for the role," said Goodison.
"I came because you asked me to," said Tony, "I didn't apply for the post."
"Indeed," said Ambrose, "we had a number of applicants who were all extremely well qualified."
"So why did you ask me to be interviewed?" asked Tony.
"Perhaps you could explain why you agreed to come," said Dupres.
Tony sighed, "It's not easy to explain."
"Try," insisted Ambrose.
"This place turned me round," said Tony finally, "I don't want to admit that but it did. So I guess I feel some sort of gratitude to it. And …"
"And?" asked Goodison.
"And I want its good work to carry on. I'm not sure why you think I may be the person to make sure it does."
"The other candidates were, as I said, extremely well qualified," said Ambrose, "but we want someone who understands the ethos …"
"The code?" said Tony with a touch of bitterness.
"Yes," said Ambrose, "not the code of Honour Corps but the motto. Truth, Valour, Duty. That's the important thing. I – we – believe that you have taken the motto to heart. It shows in your choice of work."
"Provost Tanner's replacement was perfect on paper," said Dupres, "but we feel we need someone a little less …"
"Perfect?" supplied Tony with a half-smile, "well, that's me. Certainly less than perfect!"
"It may be a cliché," said Goodison.
"Like a movie plot?" said Tony.
"Well, yes. But we believe that someone who has been 'turned round' by the school is the best person to now 'turn the school round'" said Goodison.
"So, you're choosing between two people who have been 'redeemed'?" asked Tony.
"Excuse me?" said Dupres.
"You're interviewing someone else who went to the school?" said Tony. "I have to say you should just go with them. Someone who knows they want the job."
"We're not interviewing anyone else," said Goodison. "We want you to take the job."
"But we thought we might persuade you better by asking you to come here so we could talk to you face to face," said Ambrose.
"Great," said Tony, "I love a twelve hour round journey. And my Boss was real pleased when I asked for another day's leave."
"But you came," said Dupres gently, "that must mean something."
END FLASHBACK
Tony rubbed a gentle finger over the picture.
He felt he should be struggling to come to a decision. It would be a huge change of career direction for him and would probably mean the end to his life in law enforcement: if it didn't work out he couldn't see NCIS taking him back and it was doubtful that other agencies would be falling over themselves to employ a middle-aged cop. If he stayed where he was he must eventually get a promotion especially if Gibbs could ever be persuaded to retire. Tony knew that he was doing important work and most days he believed that he was doing it well.
He loved his apartment, he loved living in the capital – he had never been a fan of small town living. The academy was a few miles from Warwick but somehow he didn't think that would be anything like DC. And RMA was struggling. The 'perfect' new Provost had failed to revitalise the academy and there was a real danger that it would have to close. If Tony took the job he might find himself unemployed within months. Accepting the job was crazy. Nobody would blame him for turning it down. Tony couldn't believe that he was taking the offer seriously.
Tony scrubbed his hands through his hair and then rubbed his eyes once more. He swivelled round to look at his noticeboard again – it was bare of all but official papers. The stack of boxes by his desk contained all his paperwork and case files. His backpack held all his personal possessions. He had moved the medals to Gibbs' desk, the Boss would have to decide who to entrust them to next. All that remained was for him to take his letter of resignation up to Vance's office.
Tony patted his desk in farewell and stood up. He picked up his backpack and the letter. He couldn't believe he was going to do this but somehow he had never doubted he would. RMA had once seen something in him, perhaps they were right again. Time to stop the undercover work and admit that the motto was embedded in his soul. He just hoped nobody would make it into a movie.
Time to go. Time to protect the Piggys, Tonys and other lost children. Time to make a difference.
As always, the characters don't belong to me and are back in their boxes.