Unbearable
By Joan Powers
G/Sara angst
Summary: Why is Grissom having dinner with Sophia?
Spoilers: "Unbearable"
Rating: PG
A/N: I didn't think it was possible for a CSI episode to be more painful than "Formalities". I was wrong. This is the only way I can deal with my feelings of disappointment and betrayal. I haven't written a fanfic this quickly in years! I love to hear what you think of my interpretation of the events.
Grissom, what are you doing?
He wondered to himself as he smiled pleasantly and nodded in response to Sophia's unrelated question. He took another bite of his blackened salmon as he listened to her story.
Why are you here?
He wasn't completely sure. At first he thought it was due to their mutual disgust with Eckly, that they'd commiserate about their altered circumstances. But that wasn't entirely true; it was more than that. He liked Sophia Curtis. She was striking, intelligent, and obviously attracted to him. Of course her attention was flattering; in fact he enjoyed it. Casual flirting was an exhilarating game that he'd all but forgotten in the last year. It hadn't been hard for him to fall into its familiar rhythms, like riding a bicycle. He was having fun.
Yet it wasn't as if he were seriously interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with Sophia. Perhaps that was why it'd been so easy to ask her to dinner, even though the scenario was frighteningly similar to one he'd acted out with Sara a few years ago, with strikingly different results. However, this time instead of standing there, frozen, with his mouth gaping open, unsure what to do, he was in control. It was easy because he wasn't especially emotionally involved. Yes, Sophia was easier, easier than…
He sighed as he thought about her. Sara. He'd keep a tight lid on his feelings for her; he'd stuffed them into a box and covered it with heavy weights. The intensity of those emotions scared the hell out of him. He craved order; he liked to be in control. With Sara, that would never be the case. And once she discovered that he wasn't the man she thought he was, her eventual departure would destroy him.
He'd convinced himself that he was a coward, that he could never allow himself to pursue her for fear of losing control, fear of being vulnerable like he'd never been before. He'd been a defeated man as he spoke with Dr. Lurie about his chance at a new life.
He gave up, surrendered to the inevitable. Unable to trust himself, he cut himself out of Sara's life. He resigned himself to accept the fact that their relationship was not meant to be and that his life would go on.
So what was wrong with having dinner with a beautiful woman?
His conscious nagged him.
Didn't he deserve to have a life? Wasn't he allowed some diversions other than work?
Yet, his ironclad position on Sara had been subtly shifting, like mysteriously fleeting grains of sand. Her confession that she'd always thought of him as more than a boss, and that she'd actually driven to Vegas for him, had touched him deeply. Then last week, when she told him about her horrendous family secret, he'd been flooded with powerful feelings. It was scary. He could sense the thick ice block encasing his heart beginning to trickle.
So here he was with Sophia, where it was safe, where he was safe.
But whom was he fooling? These days, each time he spoke with Sara, he felt more and more drawn to her. They seemed to be connecting on a different level recently. The hint of intimacy was seductive yet frightening. He was becoming alarmed; he could sense the ice starting to melt a little faster.
Drawing him back to reality, Sophia asked if he wanted desert. He declined. He wondered for a moment or two if he should kiss her good night. She certainly would welcome it and he would enjoy it as well. Yet, that could complicate things and he craved simplicity. Yes, she was attractive and it was easier. Easier than dealing with some serious emotions brewing within him which were threatening to erupt.
Thus, Sophia was a distraction, a beautiful, intelligent woman, yet ultimately a distraction, a diversion. She was a cheap imitation that would never equal the highly valued original.
He hated himself. He was a coward. He was scared. He didn't know if he could ever pursue Sara. Like all issues that disturbed him, he tried to avoid thinking about them.
Yet, why had he put his reputation on the line for her?
Eckly and Catherine had started at him as if he were a mad man when he insisted upon taking full responsibility for Sara's actions. Why would he potentially risk his career, which meant the world to him?
Why?
Because being in the lab without Sara would be unbearable to him.
THE END