Gokulocks and the Three Briefs
(And I promise I'll never write anything this corny again)
Once upon a time, deep in the countryside in a round-domed mansion lived a mommy Briefs, a daddy (who wasn't really a Briefs) and a little purple haired baby Briefs. Every morning daddy-not-quite-Briefs and baby Briefs would seat themselves in the kitchen and gorge themselves on sukiyaki while mommy Briefs daintily picked at some form of health cereal and bitched about their table manners.
One morning though, disaster struck their quiet routine.
"Mommy! Mommy! Ih burhs!" yelped the baby Briefs, fanning his tongue in pain.
"Well, maybe if you took your time and actually checked before you swallowed, you wouldn't have a burnt tongue," she rebuked him.
"YIEOW!" shrieked the daddy not-quite-Briefs. "the kid's right! We can't eat this, it's far too hot." He eyed his plate (sized closer to a hog trough,) with wariness and distaste.
"Perhaps we should go for a walk and let it cool down, then," said mommy Briefs, pushing her plate of chaff -- er, cereal, away.
"Don't worry about the door, leave it open to let in some air," said mommy Briefs. Baby Briefs left the door open behind him and trotted after his mommy an --
Bulma: Hey! Someone up there? Who the heck would leave their door open anyway?! It's an invitation for thieves, and -
Narrator: Bulma, just get on with it. It's a story, okay?
Bulma: *scratches head* Oh, alright then. Besides, who'd be dumb enough to go into a house with Vegeta living in it, even though it's just a story?…
Gokulocks skipped down the lane picking a bunch of wildflowers to take home. So far, he'd found an elder, a maple, a few oaks and some willow…he never remembered flowers being so big though. But, being the big-hearted and simple-minded fellow he was, he bounded along on his merry way.
His overly sensitive nose caught a whiff of something on the breeze. Food! Something told him. Gokulocks broke into a comically large smile and redoubled his pace, heading in the direction of the delicious smell. Drawn by the luscious aroma, Gokulocks skidded to a halt outside a domed mansion hidden in the woods.
Maybe the people in there will share whatever it is that smells so good with me
, he thought, mouth watering. Stopping to check his appearance before knocking on the door, Gokulocks ran his fingers through his golden hair that stuck up like an upended bunch of carrots to tidy it, and looked vaguely disappointed when it settled back into its original position despite his efforts."Anybody home?" he called as he knocked politely on the door. There was no answer from within, and the door fell open under his light tap.
Oh, I should probably go then if nobody's there,
he thought ruefully. But the delicious smell drew him in the open door, and on the kitchen table he found a small bowl, a medium sized bowl and a hog trough.The smell was coming from them.
"Well, maybe just a little taste," Gokulocks said to no-one in particular. He moved to the small bowl, which was stacked high with steaming sukiyaki. He lifted the chopsticks to his mouth, and…
"YIEOW! Some idiot drenched this stuff in tobasco sauce!" Gokulocks stuck his head under the faucet and washed his mouth out frantically until his tongue stopped tingling.
He moved to the second bowl. This one didn't contain sukiyaki at all - instead, it was filled with some kind of unpleasant looking fruit-infused cereal.
"Oh well, it can't be all that bad," Gokulocks mused, and took a mouthful. He spat it out quicker than the tabasco sauce. "Ugh! Fibre!"
Last of all was the hog trough.
"Mmm! That's good!" The sukiyaki in the trough was rich and tender, not too spicy and not too healthy. Gokulocks buried his face in the trough, and ate until there was nothing left.
Stretching out with a loud belch, Gokulocks looked around for somewhere to sit and let his snack settle. Walking cautiously into the next room, he spied a little armchair, a medium-sized armchair and a beanbag.
He tried the small one, but it was far too small and Gokulocks struggled for quite a while to release his trapped posterior from the arms. He tried the medium one, but on closer inspection it was an ergonomic chair designed to hold its owner's back straight, and he dismissed it with a scrunch of his nose.
Last of all he tested the beanbag. It was squishy and comfortable, and Gokulocks soon began to feel sleepy. Maybe I should find a bed and take a nap. He struggled in vain to get out of the beanbag, and his final effort tore a hole in the fabric, spilling beans all over the floor but at least releasing him.
"Oops, what a mess. I'll have to clean that up before I leave." He spied a broom in the corner, and hurriedly changed his mind.
Yawning, he staggered up the stairs and on the third door he tried, discovered the first of three bedrooms. The first one looked comfortable from a distance, but as Gokulocks attempted to enter the room, a foul stench assaulted his nostrils and he tripped over a jumble of toys on the floor, cracking his face sharply on the only patch of floorspace where carpet was visible.
"Someone definitely doesn't want any visitors," he said ruefully, rubbing his sore nose.
In the next room, he found a bed that looked something like a torture device. There was no mattress he could see, and the occupant apparently slept on solid wooden slats that made up the base. Healthy perhaps, but far from comfortable. He crossed the third and last threshold.
To Gokulocks' abject delight, the third room contained a monstrously large bed, complete with a fluffy quilt, soft pillows and assorted stuffed animals. He pulled back the covers, found a teddy bear to hug, and fell fast asleep.
Downstairs, the three Briefs had returned from their walk and found the decimated kitchen.
"Mama! Mama! Someone's been eating my sukiyaki!" squealed baby Briefs.
"Someone's been eating my cereal!" wailed the mommy Briefs.
"Someone's been eating my sukiyaki too, and the pig ate the lot!" snarled daddy not-quite-Briefs.
They walked uncertainly into the living room, mommy Briefs wielding a baseball bat defensively. The living room was in no better shape. Beanbag beans were strewn across the floor, and the little armchair was knocked over.
"Mama! Mama! Someone's been sitting - well, trying to sit in my chair!" whimpered baby Briefs.
"Nobody touched my chair," mommy Briefs added in confusion.
"That's because it's so damn uncomfortable. And someone's been sitting on my beanbag, and they've ripped it to shreds!" complained daddy not-quite-Briefs. "And there's a trail of beans leading up the stairs!"
The three Briefs snuck cautiously up the stairs.
"I have a feeling there's going to be something in the bedrooms," said baby Briefs.
Mommy Briefs pushed open his door, and shut it quickly, gasping for air.
"Darn right there is! How can you breathe in there?!" she hollered at her son through her coughs. She pushed open her own bedroom door. Not a thing was out of place.
"That's strange," she mused. "I wonder why nothing really bad has happened to my stuff?"
"It's because that rubbish you eat for breakfast tastes like a stewed doormat and your furniture wouldn't shame a professional torturer," offered daddy not-quite-Briefs with a smirk.
He pushed open his own door, and the smirk fell off his face.
Vegeta: Kakarot?! What the hell is he doing here?! This is my story!
Narrator: Vegeta, for once in your life, do what you're told and call him Gokulocks.
Vegeta: Why-I-oughta…
"It's Gokulocks!" the three Briefs cried.
Gokulocks sat bolt up in the big bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Oh dear, he thought - the understatement of the year, as daddy not-quite-Briefs fumed and his face went crimson with rage.
"Um, thankyou-for-your-hospitality-must-be-off," Gokulocks stammered hastily, and jumped out the open window to safety. Of course, in this story Gokulocks can't fly, so he crashed down gracelessly in front of the kitchen door.
"Gokulocks!" shrieked mommy Briefs as she leaned out the window to the crumpled heap below. Gokulocks flashed her a thumbs up, and promptly passed out.
Baby Briefs phoned for an ambulance, and Gokulocks spent the next six weeks in traction.
On the day he left the hospital, a card arrived for him.
Gokulocks,
Hope you get better soon so I can kill you myself for breaking my stuff.
Love and hugs,
Daddy not-quite Briefs.