DARKNESSDon't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
"Remus!" yelled Sirius furiously after his best friend. He clenched his fist in his palm and tried not to let his suppressed rage show. "Not again! No more of this bullshit, Remus. I want the truth, for real this time." The look of betrayal in Remus' amber eyes was enough to let him know just what a mistake he had made. Again. Confrontations with Remus were almost always a mistake. The tawny haired boy flashed a look of fear in his direction, before Sirius was forced to watch the other boy turn his back on him once again. He couldn't take this anymore. It hurt to much to let this pain take Remus over in silence. It hurt that he could only sit by and watch him suffer. "Why, Remus? Why don't you talk to me? Don't you know we'd all be glad to die for you?" he whispered at Remus' retreating back, not knowing that his friend had heard each word clearly.
Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the
Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own
'I can't take much more. Why won't he just leave me the fuck alone?!' cursed Remus, tossing his bangs out of his face with an angry flick. He didn't know who he was angrier at, himself or Sirius. Once again he was being forced to hide who he was behind this mask of indifference. And once again he had to watch someone get torn to pieces for his sake, and damn if it didn't hurt even worse this time. The fear of his friends' reactions if they really knew who he was- what he was- was making him feel trapped in his last sanctuary. It was too much to take, especially when all he wanted and had ever wanted was to trust someone.
'Sirius, I swear, I never meant to let it go this far. I know I shouldn't have gotten this close, but it's so lonely on my own sometimes. Please forgive my selfishness.' Twisting his hands together, he tried to prevent the tears from spilling from his eyes like they were threatening. The pain was always so much worse when it was an accident... Sirius would never hurt him on purpose. That much he was sure of. Unless Sirius found him out. Remus' dirty little secret. He shuddered. He even revolted himself. If he was stronger, he could have purged himself of his insecurities and needs, could have stopped wanting their comfort and concern. He could have prevented this unnecessary dramatization of his nightmares.
If they really knew they wouldn't have worried about him at all. They would have been right along next to Lucius and Snape, kicking him into mud puddles, ruining his homework assignments, and hating him. He couldn't stand to even imagine it. "No." he repeated quietly to himself. "I won't let them find out. I'd rather die, than let them feel so dirty. They are so much better than that. I have to do it now. I have to let them go, push them away if that's what it takes. Either way, I refuse to let them get hurt by me. That way, when they do find out, they won't have to feel so disgusted; they won't have to know that they were tainted by a werewolf."
Unwanted, Sirius' angriest moments, usually the way he looked at Lucius, swam into his head, and he choked back a sob. He didn't think he could survive if Sirius looked at him like that. He would rather die a little inside each day, than suffer the hatred of Sirius, who was more important that his own soul. Sirius was a friend who had confessed that he wanted to be more. He didn't want to give him up, but the urge to protect his the black haired boy won over selfish wishes.
He would pull away now, while he still had the strength. While he still had the conviction. For their good, for my own good. I can do this. But damn him for making this so much harder than it should be. I never asked to fall in love.Angrily he shoved down the hateful voice that whispered I never asked to be bitten either.It just didn't help anyone to think that as often as he did. He was a werewolf, that was his life, and he had to protect even the people he loved from his curse or suffer knowing he had tainted one more innocent.
'Like him.'
'No! Never again.' He couldn't keep hiding all of this. It hurt too much, and it was tearing him apart. He was dying a little each day.
He couldn't stand being left alone with his treacherous thoughts. They were only waiting until he was left with their company alone, and then they would reach out with unseen tentacles and show him everything he hid from himself with daytime distractions. It would be like night- and nightmares- forever. The unbidden thought surfaced that nights wouldn't be so lonely if he had Sirius to share them with.
'Stoppit! I don't need them. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! I refuse to need anyone!'
A loud voice broke into his inner dialogue. "I found you! Finally. I looked all over the castle for your sorry arse, Remus." said an outwardly cheerful Sirius Black. 'See, you can't trust him, he's already given up on you. He doesn't really want to know.' Remus looked up into his best friend's face, trying not to snarl when Sirius reached out a hand to set on his shoulder in a friendly manner. He shook off the hand easily, turning away from Sirius like he wasn't there.
"You can't ignore me Remus Lupin. I won't go away. I'm sorry if I offended you, but I honestly thought--"
"That's your problem Sirius, you never think!" Remus interjected with all the pent up rage he held inside his small body. The words were soft, but Sirius heard the deadly edge underneath and paled. "I trusted you, and you had to ruin it! Try worrying about someone besides yourself for a turn."
"How can you say that? I love you. Why is that so difficult to believe? Do you hate yourself that much? Is that why I'm not good enough for you, Re?"
"Don't call me that, Black. If you really loved me, you'd leave me alone. You're giving me a headache. I'm going to bed. Don't even think about following me." Remus hissed out fiercely, his dark amber eyes flashing with animal anger.
He couldn't do this. Why did it hurt so much to hurt Sirius? Why did it even matter? He didn't deserve friends in the first place. He was just remedying the situation. For his own good. And especially for their good.
"You're unclean, you filthy, immoral animal. You demean this house with your presence. Why'd God dump you on me anyways? I should beat you just for living, you disgusting thing."
"Why's he here anyways? I thought they locked him up like he belongs. What're you doing out of your cage, werewolf?"
"Don't give me that damn smirk. If I hear one more thing about any of this funny business, you're in that cage for life."
"But Pa, I didn't start that fight. I didn't do it, I swear."
"That's a new one. The word of a werewolf. Heh. Get back in your room, you dumb beast."
"Oooh, papa it hurts, why are you doing this to me? I didn't do it! I'm not an animal. I didn't do it. Please Papa, stop! I didn't do it! Help! You're hurting me! It's burning me, Papa!"
"Well, it's better than you deserve, werewolf. Stop crying. It's only silver."
"Ahhhh!!!"
Remus woke panting in the middle of the familiar dormitory. The sight of Sirius' canopied bed beyond the red curtains reassured him more than words. Breathing a sigh of relief he wiped a sheen of sweat from his forehead, burying his head in his hands.
He hated the nightmares. They came every time he closed his eyes, without fail. Nothing made them go away, and most mornings, he woke up feeling more drained that when he'd went to bed. He didn't know why he was forced to relive each moment of humiliation and degradation in such vivid detail, but it served as his reminder to never get too close, to never trust. No one wanted a werewolf. Sometimes he was actually glad for the nightmares, because he was never tempted to let his guard down; not when every night he saw the bars of the silver cage his family had kept him in. Absently he rubbed at the shiny skin around his wrists. The handcuffs his father had put him in when he was bad were made from a silver alloy. They had burned marks into his flesh so deep that half of his childhood had been spent in constant pain. Only in these last years at school had the marks begun to heal over a little, but he still had to wear long sleeves and a wristwatch. When he worked with his sleeves rolled up in Herbology he always wore strips of cloth wound tightly around them, to cover up both the old scars and the more recent ones. He was afraid of the questions his friends would ask if they saw them, and even more afraid of the hurt that would inevitably be in Sirius' eyes. In his years at Hogwarts, Remus had made staying unnoticed an art form. It irritated the Slytherins to no end. Most of the time, no one even noticed he was there. To the friendly eye he was just another shadow against the wall. Except for in Sirius' eyes. Sirius always managed to pick him out in a crowd, or find the corner he was hiding in. Sirius scared him. You could end all this trouble if you just had the guts, coward.He was informed yet again.
Turning restlessly in the big bed, Remus tried to go back to sleep. After all, the nightmares were behind him now. He could overcome the pain those memories caused, as long as he never let anyone inside again.
The next day, on his way back from Herbology, he heard familiar voices in their dorm. James and Sirius were talking. Sirius sounded upset, and Remus quieted immediately, his superhuman hearing making each word as loud as if it had been spoken directly to him.
"...and he doesn't know. He can't imagine how much it hurts when he says things like that to me. I really wish he would trust me a little. It's like he doesn't want anyone to get inside that cold barrier he puts up every time you ask him something. You should have seen his eyes, Jamie. They were cold as ice, and I've never seen him that mad before. I didn't mean to hurt him. I would never hurt him on purpose. Why can't he see how much I want to know everything that he's hiding from us? He used to just blow me off when I asked him things, but now... he's deliberately trying to hurt me. He's provoking me all the time, and I'm sick of it. I just want the truth. Why is he so afraid of letting me inside?" the anguished voice tore at Remus' conscious mercilessly.
"Maybe he thinks he's protecting you, although I can't imagine from what. He's so secretive. He doesn't trust anyone, and here you come, destroying his self-assurance that he can keep everyone out. I don't think anyone has ever tried as hard as you're doing, and I think he's scared. No one wants to be found out, Sirius, and he's managed to stay quiet about himself for so long. You must really be shaking him up." James said carefully. Remus backed into the opposite wall, terrified of how close Jamie had come to the real truth. He had to do it now; once and for all, he had to drive Sirius Black and his friends away, before it was too late.
Steeling himself, he entered the room, snobbishly leaving Sirius' greeting unanswered. He headed directly for his bed and started to take books out of his messenger bag.
"Hey Remus." said James neutrally. "I was just going over the Potions homework with Sirius, but I think he needs more help than I can give him. You're good at Potions, right?"
"Yes, I am, and if Sirius is struggling, I would guess it was his own damn fault. I have studying to do." He turned away again and began shoving the books he needed back into his bag hurriedly.
"Remus!" a warm hand fell on his shoulder. He startled violently, dropping his book bag and whirling to face Sirius in an instant. Seeing the expression on Remus' face, Sirius flinched, and a touch of real fear came into his expression. You're only too right to be afraid of me. whispered a voice in his head
"What do you want?!" Remus shouted without warning, his eyes wide and angry, masking the fear he was also feeling. "Why won't you just leave me alone?! I don't know what you're problem is! Just stay the Hell away from me!"
"Why are you doing this?" The pain in Sirius' voice nearly broke his hard won resolve, but he held to it with a stranglehold.
"Because I can't stand you! Because you drive me insane. Because you're always prying into things you don't even want to understand! Because I hate you! Do you want me to keep going?" Remus felt his entire body shake with the force of his emotions. Only Sirius made him feel this intense burn of anything. All he ever did was for Sirius.
"No, thanks, I think I got the message loud and clear, right Jamie? Let's go." Sirius left, dragging a shocked looking James and slamming the door so hard that Remus actually flinched. Exhausted and drained, Remus slumped down on his bed and tried as hard as he could to hold back tears. 'You did it. You're half way there. He'll hate you, but what does it matter? You'll be free.'
'Then why am I so afraid?'