Cheryl frowned as she walked into their bedroom at Thistlehouse to see Toni sat cross-legged in the middle of their four-poster bed, a shaking pieces of paper in one hand and her laptop placed in front of her which she was staring at the screen as if it was all or nothing.
"What'a you doing, babe? School assignment?"
The brunette had clearly been so focused on the screen that she hadn't noticed that her girlfriend had been standing in the corner for quite some time, the words making her gasp and slam the laptop down, chucking the piece of paper she'd previously been holding on the bed behind her as she stared up at the redhead with a panicked look, her mouth opening and closing to try and speak but no sound coming out. Cheryl took that as her cue to walk towards her girlfriend on the bed, sitting beside her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she patted the pillow blindly in search for the piece of paper which Toni had previously been holding. The brunette wasn't meeting her eyes, continuing to stare down at the now closed laptop, and it filled Cheryl with dread.
"Babe... what's going on?" she asked hesitantly, bringing the piece of paper she had now found beneath her fingertips round to in front of them but not turning it around to the printed side, waiting patiently for her girlfriend to speak. "What are you doing? We promised no more secrets between us... tell me, babe."
No more secrets... a deal which had arisen after they had reconciled after their short break up which hadn't meant to be a break up but had been misinterpreted by both girls, Cheryl especially who had since said that she struggled with determining when or when not people loved her, everything so black and white in her life with no shades of grey, and of course Toni had misread that for her being too clingy... but then she hadn't really taken the time to consider everything going on in her girlfriend's head around that point, after being kicked out of her family and all, and, well, the construction of the Pretty Poisons...
Miscommunication had been what her fractured their relationship before, but maybe that wasn't too bad a thing, in actual fact; everything they'd failed to do as a couple came to light in those two weeks apart which felt like a millennium, and they had slowly but surely been putting the pieces together, healing the scars in what they had.
That had meant being more open with each other, about their feelings, about what they were thinking... their past, their traumas, their needs, their wants, their wishes, so on. Toni had finally told her the whole story about what happened to her parents which meant for her uncle to become her legal guardian one teary night. Cheryl had told her all about Jason, the things she'd been feeling after his death, the thoughts she still had which Toni gave her the strength to push deep down. It wasn't like they hadn't discussed that before - they'd been dating for almost a year now, after all - but it wasn't until recently that they'd begun to properly talk about it in depth, thinking up solutions and supporting each other in a way which they hadn't managed at all. And guess what? Cheryl was finally coming round to the idea of therapy - slowly but surely, with lots of encouragement from her girlfriend, the idea was no longer something she pushed down as a last resort for only the darkest of times...
But it didn't make it any easier. Communication was still something which daunted them, and of course it did, because Cheryl had no one for the majority of her life and she'd lived through the majority of that time building walls up around her with the intention of letting nobody in on what she was feeling, and Toni never wanted to hurt the girl with her thoughts, now even more aware of everything going on in that pretty little head of hers.
Toni bit her lip, taking the sheet of paper from her girlfriend's hands and turning it around to reveal...
... an advert. Advertising a small house up for rent on a street she recognised the name of, noticing that it was only a five minute drive from Thistlehouse on a bad day.
Toni felt her girlfriend tense beside her and she pushed the advert closer towards her, encouraging her to take it from her hands which she did so with a shaky breath.
"It's not what it looks like," she reassured as calmly as she could muster through an exhaled breath, watching her girlfriend's face as she read every word on the piece of paper several times over.
But... what did it look like?
The redhead shut her eyes and leaned back on the pillow behind her with a sniffle and Toni watched painfully as her girlfriend's face contorted no matter how much she tried to hide it's shift from previous happiness. Silence filled the room once again until Toni decided to lay back on the bed as well, turning on her side to face her girlfriend and feeling her heart tear at the tears which were visibly rolling down her cheeks despite the redhead's efforts to wipe them away.
"You want to move out?" Cheryl said eventually, trying not keep her voice clear from emotion but failing nonetheless as she stared at the ceiling. Toni shook her head and shrugged.
"'Want' isn't the right word, Cheryl, not at all," she reassured, staring at the advert in her hands yet again, a heavy feeling residing in her chest, "but-"
"-but... you feel like maybe y-you... should?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
The first thing which came to mind was Toni struggling with sheer size of the mansion and the lack of money shortages they had. The brunette had said something about there being less structure with her not having to make a huge contribution to anything, once upon a time.
"Are you struggling with this house and this lifestyle again, or-" Cheryl trailed off, refusing to say the other alternative she was thinking and leaving it open to interpretation for the other girl, who clearly picked up on the matter with a firm shake of her head, disregarding the redhead's thoughts once again.
"After... y'know," 'break-up' still seemed like way too big a word to say out loud, "I started thinking that maybe moving in did happen too soon. Babe, we're literally seventeen years old and if the world was kind enough-" she scoffed "-neither of us would be living alone at all; if we still had our parents, or if our parents were good parents who loved us, the idea of living together would be a fantasy to wait for later on in life after college, or during college, or I don't know... we're way ahead of other people our age, and I love that we have what we have but at the end of the day, we're young and we have our whole lives ahead of us, and mine I can only see with you in it... I love you, and I love what we have, and I don't want it to end ever, and I don't want to destroy that all with moving in together too soon or being with each other every second of the day so much so that it becomes claustrophobic or whatever. Maybe we should live apart, just for those reasons. Maybe we need the independence right now, y'know?"
She sniffled as she wiped another tear from her girlfriend's face, shuffling closer to wrap an arm round her waist and place a gentle kiss on her keep, the redhead proceeding to bury her face in the other girl's neck as she hugged her tightly, scared that she'd do exactly what she wanted and had done before, that being to run away from her... and did the redhead blame her? She'd latched on to Toni the second the then-serpent had asked her if she was alright for the second time at the cinema that day, and they quickly became inseparable. She had a feeling that to some extent that was triggered by the other girl being sent away to some mental institution of the retro, upmost illegal kind, but at that point she was just glad that the other girl was happy and comfortable enough to be who she was again after all that oppression, all that cruelty, all that physical and emotional torture her mother had inflicted on her...
"Do you still love me?"
God, the way in which those muffled words came out of her mouth broke Toni's heart even more than the fact that those words were coming out of her mouth. She placed her lips over the soft pale skin of her girlfriend's cheek once again as she held the other girl.
"Of course I still love you, Cheryl, I never- I never stopped loving you and I don't think I ever will," she bit down on her cheek guiltily. "But we need our independence. We're still so young..."
At least the redhead wasn't lashing out at her like she had done only a matter of weeks ago.
"Cheryl, I can't keep living here, under this roof, letting you pay for everything we do," she sighed, pulling away from the redhead for a few minutes to be far away enough to look her in the eyes with sincerity. "I've spent what feels like my whole life being independent, working out enough money to buy groceries and pay rent for whatever couch I was sleeping on that night. It's what's normal to me. I've become used to it in a way that I can't get used to living in this house for free, watching you pay for the bills and whatever with your family's money... I need independence, Cheryl, right now, that's what I need... maybe we should talk about that..."
Packing up was hard. Not as hard as it had been that day Cheryl had pretty much kicked her out following their argument and their first breakup, but it was hard undeniably. Mirroring that time, Cheryl sat on the bed in silence as Toni grabbed hangers from the wardrobe - they'd only recently returned there and that matter was making it doubly difficult - and shoved them in her duffel bag.
"Don't leave me."
Toni turned around as she felt someone grab her hand and the voice behind her filled with so much longing and desperation for her, sighing deeply as she stared at the redhead behind her and tried to ignore the tinge of pain in her girlfriend's voice.
"Babe, I'm not leaving you, remember?" she soothed, reaching up to cup Cheryl's cheek with a sad but firm smile. "I'm just moving out... remember what we talked about, how we both needed space and independence from each other? That's what it is."
"B-but you are."
Toni bit her lip.
You need this. You need this independence. We need this. We moved in together too soon-
"Cher... I'm not leaving you, okay?" she tucked a loose strand of hair back behind the redhead's ear as she reassured the taller girl. "I'm just moving out. This has nothing to do with me not loving you or anything, because you know how fucking much I love you... nothing will ever change that... and it's nothing to do with you or anything at all related to that. But that night at the speakeasy, I said that maybe we moved in together too soon... and that... that was wearing down on us. And I stick by what I said that night because I don't want to lose you, my love, through stupid arguments we pick for stupid things, like me going to work, or spending time with other friends instead of being here with you, which, don't get me wrong, I can't turn down for so many reasons..."
"Don't leave, then."
Toni shook her head and shrugged.
"Listen... why don't we give it a month and if we can't live we figure something else out?" she suggested, pursing her lips. "One month... and we see each other every day, I text you and call you every night before I go to sleep, you do exactly the same if anything happens-" the nightmares had stayed away from Cheryl's sleep recently "-and then we see how it's going? I don't want to do this either, babe, but maybe I should... I should move out."
"Don't go-" Toni felt her heart break as she wrapped her girlfriend into an embrace.
"I have to. I have to go, and I can't not go, because I love you-"
And that was all it was... or at least that was all it seemed there was.
The first night was restless. The bed, which wasn't anywhere near Cheryl's size in actual fact, felt too big and cold and empty without the redhead sleeping next to her. Every time she opened her eyes she'd receive a reminder that she was alone in this house, and it made her feel uneasy. Eventually she'd fallen asleep at four in the morning, only two hours to go before she had to get up and go to school, but even those were interrupted by her waking up a couple of times. She went to school the next day completely exhausted and spent the whole day stifling yawns to stop her girlfriend from questioning how well she'd slept in her new house.
"The bed's not as luxurious as yours but I guess can get used to that," she told Cheryl at lunch. "I did miss waking up to see your face and our goodnight kisses, though."
She wasn't exactly lying.
The second night, Toni threw on a warmer pair of pyjamas and a hoodie over that to try and feel less cold than before. Instead, she soon found out, she felt more claustrophobic than she had at the worst times in their relationship, just before Toni had initially - and unexpectedly - moved out as a result of their breakup. Except she wasn't cooped up in an exquisite mansion, her girlfriend everywhere to be seen, this time. No; she was feeling suffocated by the pressure of the emptiness this house was filled with, there too much air for her to breathe easy. When it got to five in the morning this time, she got up and made herself a coffee whilst flicking on an episode of the TV show she knew Cheryl was obsessed with. She needed the coffee as much as she needed the reminder of Cheryl. Two hours of restless, interrupted sleep in the space of forty-eight hours was definitely going to take its toll on her. A toll that she couldn't let Cheryl know.
Maybe moving out wasn't as good an idea as suspected, she thought to herself for a split second before forcing that thought away once again.
The third night it was Friday. Cheryl asked if she wanted to stay over as they'd planned to, and Toni jumped at the opportunity. Thistlehouse felt bigger than what it was used to. Of course it did - staying in a three-room bungalow made everything seemed massive now. But even thought it felt massive, the old house she'd lived in for four months before now had a much more homely feel. It felt warm, and like she could breathe again. None of the claustrophobia she had felt once was there anymore. They spent the whole night in Cheryl's room, making love until they were too sensitive to take any more and had to stop, before they fell asleep in each other's arms. It might have been the sex and and the intensity of it all which they'd both missed these past two nights, or the lack of sleep these past few days which tugged down on her eyelids the second her head hit the pillow, but Toni fell asleep immediately and didn't wake up until nine the next day. The more and more she thought about it, the more she realised that maybe that wasn't the case, and the more and more she began to fear that maybe it was Cheryl who was the one who had given her the sleep she needed.
That was highlighted on the fourth night, when even thought she'd been on a ten hour shift at the speakeasy and didn't get home until one in the morning with her whole body aching, she couldn't get any more than three hours in.
It was just adjusting to a new house, she forced herself to believe. She'd get used to it over time.
Tell that to the fifth night, the sixth night, the seventh night, the eighth night...
On the ninth night after moving in to her new rental, Toni couldn't take it anymore. She doubted that she ever would be able to take it. Hell, this was almost as bad at their initial breakup, and instead of the thoughts of what she could of but hadn't done running through her head like a carousel at its climax, she couldn't find a reason why she couldn't sleep because there were too many possibilities and every single one of them led back to Cheryl. Cheryl, or loneliness, or the guilt of those two things combined, were the factors which pulled sleep away from her.
"Why do you think it's a good idea to just move out? You can still have your independence here... just... just please don't go. Don't leave me."
The guilt that she'd left as well, for a second time, when once upon a time she'd been crying over the phone for the millionth time in a hour about how she told her she wasn't alone and that the would never be again, the promise covert but right there nonetheless, and she'd gone ahead and broken that. She'd done exactly what she'd promised she never would because she was too stubborn, too set on the first idea that came to mind, still too caught up on their breakup which had resulted from them not being independent enough from each other. And outside it was raining heavily, Riverdale hit by a storm which caused the trees surrounding her bedroom to sway and form shadows on the walls through the thin curtains, the wind wailing through the gutters and thunder clapping above her. She held the pillow over her head and played Cheryl's favourite songs on top volume through her headphones to block out the noise, but it was all just a reminder of Cheryl... the music, the lack of comfort on the night disturbed by her biggest fear...
She wanted Cheryl.
She needed her.
And that was all it took for her to swing her legs off the side of the bed and grab her jeans and her jacket, shrugging them on whilst flinching from the claps of thunder which surrounded the house, and grabbing the keys of her bike off the hook by the door before getting on the thing, the rain and the wind freezing whatever skin was exposed to the weather as her bike roared to life and she sped in the direction she knew better than ever now, trying to ignore the sounds around her as she got off at the gates of her destination - she knew from much experience just how slow the coded gates were so took to the pedestrian gate instead - and ran towards the front door, shaking, frozen fists bashing on the oak painfully until twenty seconds later the foyer lights switched on and she heard the sound of unlocking-
Toni scrambled inside before the person answering even had the chance to speak, which clearly shocked that person even more than before.
"Toni - what are you doing here, it's half three in the morning-"
The brunette reached for Cheryl immediately, finally letting the breath that the didn't know she was holding out as she inhaled the redhead's scent, burying her face closer into her neck and not speaking right away as they just stood there cherishing each other's closeness on a night they hadn't expected to be with each other.
Except maybe deep down there they did, because maybe they both knew it was too much to ask to move out... fuck independence, it was more like isolation, loneliness, feeling half of who they were formerly without the other.
God, it was literally ten hours a night that they were apart but those ten hours passed like a decade alone. Ten hours a night feeling like ten god damn years of constant exhaustion she couldn't do anything about, constantly worrying - was Cheryl okay? - that equating to the ideal two nights worth of sleep in a week and half.
"I couldn't sleep... I can't sleep without you, I haven't all-"
She was cut off by lips resting on her cheek, Cheryl whispering in her ear and hushing her rushed attempt at reasoning.
"Hey... shh... neither could I," god, she'd missed this. "Hey, let's just go back to bed and fill you in on the sleep you missed and we can talk more in the morning..."
As soon as her head hit the pillow she succumbed, eyelids tugged shut almost instantaneously and part of Cheryl began to believe that beauty sleep maybe wasn't a thing when her girlfriend still looked so beautiful in her arms lacking a fair number of hours. All she knew was that Toni looked ten times more beautiful wrapped in her arms, a small smile inflicted by love on her face as she slept through the night.
The first night back in the mansion in a short while, and not on a one-off occasion.
Cheryl couldn't help but replicate it.
How could she when she was in love with the most stubborn softie in the world?