PART I – Running away from memories

CHAPTER 1 – Once upon a time, in other words how it all began

Lima, late spring 2014, Saturday

Mem'ries,
Light the corners of my mind

Sitting alone in Breadstix made me sad and some kind of nostalgically happy in the same time. Much time passed since we had been there together and much more since our first visit, but for me it had always been "our place".

Scattered pictures,

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

Barbra's voice in the background made me think about Rachel, she would be excited to hear her idol and definitely would sing along. It could be fun even despite the fact that she had always been so serious about all that "Streisand – cult". Having any companion also might have potential of helping me in that waiting thing. But no one from my friends was there, so I was left alone only with my own memories … and Barbra's song about Mem'ries.

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?

During my stay at Massachusetts Institute of Technology memories had been my only friends, the loyal ones. Every evening of last year, when I had been back at my room, most of time alone, cause my roommate had been such a party-focused crazy girl, I had been left with my past. Walking down the same path over and over again, in my mind I had been recreating all happy moments. I had been thinking about being part of Glee, dancing it had always been my great passion and still it was, being around everybody from club it had simply felt good. Frequently I had been going back to most precious moment, the one when Santana finally had been ready to ask me to hold her hand, even under napkin it had been fabulous, then our lovely Friday dates …. mmm … and making love … but recreating sex alone could have been dangerous … Only sometimes, rather rarely bad pictures had attacked me, like our break up … but most of my memories had been good and most of them, no …, definitely all of them had included Santana …

But after the whole year during which I had been living with memories, focused on recreating them, I was sick of all these pictures going through my head, I wanted and was ready to stop embracing the past and finally start to create new memories, to open new chapter of my life … of our life, I hoped. Cause I couldn't imagine my life without my one and only true love.

If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?

Barbra's song took me in the sentimental mood anyway. So until Santana would decide to come to me I would have my memories, memories of "us together" to re-live once again. And I was sure that like nothing else in that world, memories were something stable in my life, something that nobody could take from me, never. My memories about everything which included her were so clear and lasting. I predicted that even when I would be seventy or more, I would be able to see her face with every mimic gesture from the moment, when she had been singing "Songbird" with tears in her eyes.

I was aware that there were many people around me, they might stare at me, surprised but my behavior, but I didn't care, I just wanted to close my eyes and went back again ... all the way but with different ending ...

Lima, 5 years earlier, spring 2009

We had just won our first Regionals with Cheerios, it was amazing, to be a part of something successful. I had been waiting for something like that for so long, I had always found myself … I really didn't know ... I guessed that as an outsider, little freak, whom nobody took seriously, maybe the way I had been acting justified it. It had been easier to be little dumb blonde. I had learned that when I had been nine or ten and since then had been using it as my defense. But sometimes I had wanted something else for me. Being a Cheerio definitely could do it for me. That day was so amazing, I was a part of the winning team, and I shared that success with my friends and of course with my best friend.

We were fifteen at that time and wanted to celebrate. In our imaginations there was no better way to do it than hitting Breadstix. I had never been there before, so I was quite excited. But Santana couldn't stop talking about how it would increase our social status at school. She said that out loud in every possible way. Despite the fact that we were best friends, and I totally admired everything about her, that overreacting thing and too much carrying about what other people could think of her had never been my favorite part of Santana Lopez.

So we went there, took our sits, and started to have fun. Group of twelve Cheerios, in their uniforms, singing and laughing, taking pictures to later post it on facebook or somewhere else, to show everybody that we were the winners and had fun like older guys and girls from school, in the best spot point in Lima. I couldn't remember what we were talking about or laughing about, but time was spinning so fast while enjoying ourselves, so unexpected it was 11 PM and we had to leave because they were closing. We parted in groups, said goodbyes and everybody went in their directions. Santana and I, we weren't so close neighbors, but since becoming best friends we had always walked home together. And that night wasn't different in that respect, but it was late so we argued about who discharged whom to home. I hadn't thought about it earlier, it wasn't planned, I just gave my unexpected proposal, without idea that it could have so many aftermaths.

- Santana, I don't really like to argue with you so maybe we can stop this little fight, come to my house it's much closer, my parents are out of town for weekend, we can watch some movie, sing Queen's "We are the champions", and tomorrow morning you can go back home all by yourself hmmm? – I put so many words in one sentence, it wasn't typical for me. Even after so many years I still couldn't figure that out why I said that, it just happened, it wasn't planned, I didn't asked my parents about that ... I didn't thought about possible consequences, but I said it quickly to stopped Santana in case if she wanted to interrupt and say "no". As if predicted that it could be really important night for both of us.

- It's not so bad idea Britt, I'll text my parents to let them know that I'm staying with you. – And my trick with massive speed of words worked well, there wasn't "no" for an answer.

They just texted her back with ok. It was about midnight when we sat on the couch in my living room, without any strange feelings, hesitations, plans. Like we had always done, close to each other, so comfortable and open, carefree. Without any hidden motives, secrets, desires. I truly believed that was true then.

- So what do you want to watch San? – I asked pointing in the direction of my parents' collection of DVD.

- Hmmmm … – She took some time to think. – You know Britt, I'm not into watching anything, I'm in the mood for dancing. – She winked.

- After all these routines on Regionals? – I was surprised cause despite the fact that dancing was my passion, that day I was tired of it.

- Yee, definitely ...

So we turned on some music channel, and just had fun. Taking advantage of empty house, we jumped, danced, screamed ... That was the way careless happiness looked like, I guessed.

Back in present day

Since we had met half year before that night of victory at Regionals, we had became inseparable, together at school, at Cherrios, walking back home, doing homework, we could have talked about everything or just sat together, each one in their thoughts and still comfortable even in silence. Now I knew that only with closest people you could enjoy silence, with others it was always awkward. Then, five years ago I had simply liked her, she had been and she still was my first real friend, I could and had been able to count on her. But that particular evening or rather night had changed everything ... forever. Thinking about it five years later I was still sure that I didn't regret all the steps on our way, I just didn't want that way to come to an end …

5 years earlier, spring 2009 (the same night …)

It was about 2 AM when I started to feel too tired to dance and jump any longer. Santana was full of energy, like some little kitten released from the closure.

- I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed San...

- So should I stay here on the couch? – She asked little worried.

- Noo ...of course, no! You have two options, sleep with me or at my parents' bedroom. Hm? – When I was saying that words I was subconsciously hoping that she would choose first option, but still I was not aware of my own motivation.

- Hell no, no me gusta … I won't sleep in some old people's bed, where they uhhh ... I don't even want to think about it, nooo way.

- So choice is mad, right? My bed is wide enough for both of us. – It was stupid comment, we had spent so many hours in my bedroom in last few months, I didn't have to explain that … "Britt are you nervous or what? And why?"

She just shook her head as "yes" and we went upstairs. I focused on taking care of my guest. I found for her new toothbrush, some clean underwear, towels and then left her alone in bathroom. It took her fifteen minutes to take a shower and got ready to sleep. In the meantime I prepared bed, changed linens. She was the one who went to bed first, and when I was ready to join her, she was already asleep. I saw her profile in the light of street's lantern, she was perfect while sleeping, I smiled lightly to myself and silently took my side of bed. Falling asleep was easy after so long and exhausting day. But I wasn't prepared for what came next. I was dreaming, but it was so real …

I was at school like every weekday, in Cheerios' cloakroom probably after training, but it was different, that silence was strange cause it was always so noisy, I was taking one step after another, as if I didn't know where I was and where I had to go. But then I heard little noise, it was water, I heard drops of water falling, I went to that direction, from where it was coming and I saw her … wet brown hair along her back, her hands going through them so slowly … opening a view of her breasts, olive skin and nipples … she was taking shower … I saw her that way almost every day after training, but then, in my dream somehow I felt different, something compelled me to go to her. Although I was in my clothes I went into the shower, I felt my heart pumping so fast and that was the reason why I grabbed her from behind, turned her around very fast, what gave me feeling of her wet hair on my face and then like in slow motion I kissed her ... I had never kissed anyone before, but in that dream I exactly knew how it felt to kiss Santana ... I woke up, little panicked and overwhelmed by a feeling of the heat propagating from inside of me. I opened my eyes and saw her face so close to mine, without any time to think I just "made my dream come to reality" and kissed her gently. She woke up then or maybe in that particular moment she was still asleep, but she kissed me back or even started to kiss me more passionate. All the things after that kiss happened so quickly, in few second we were out of our underwear, naked next to each other, feeling our hearts beating so fast, kissing passionately not only our lips, but necks, breasts, and then totally natural it came for us to have sex. Even if at age of fifteen I had never been thinking about having sex with a girl, and not much about having sex with boys either, our fingers found wet places only waiting to be explored, we gave each other so much pleasure and then just felt asleep in our arms. My first time, my first night with Santana, and it all just happened like in a dream, like dream came true.

Back in present day

... I came back to reality, I didn't want to think about all that staff which had happened next. All these months or even years of struggling with our feelings. No regrets but I just hoped that we could finally learn how to communicate well and express our feeling better. So I was waiting for her just like I said I would, waiting there with my love. But memories just haunted me once again.

5 years earlier, spring 2009 (morning after)

I woke up and without any hesitation opened my eyes. Ready to see her beautiful face, hug her hot body and kiss her until we couldn't catch our breaths. Even some naughty thought crossed my mind that maybe we could recreate our amazing night ... I felt happiness and so called butterflies in my stomach … But there in my bed I was alone. Santana, already in her clothes, I meant Cherrio uniform, was taking care of her hair in front of the cupboard. I saw her face in the mirror, I couldn't read anything from her, she was just focused on her reflection. She probably spotted me, cause she turned around with a smirk.

- I have never known that you are such a genius Britt … – She said that with a lot of enthusiasm.

- Duuh … – I just mumbled, not knowing what she was referring to, maybe she was thinking about orgasms I had given her last night.

- It's a shame that I have never thought about it before, it's the best way to practice! – Excitement in her voice increased even more.

- Hmm … I don't really know what do you mean San?

- Now we are ready to get hottest hunks from football team, we are no longer virgins, and we are ready to seduce them, we can choose and nobody will …

She probably stopped because she spotted that my month were wide open and I was staring at her with big "?" in my eyes, I couldn't get what she was talking about, or maybe I was too stupid to got that joke. I was confused.

- What's with you Britt-Britt?

- Nothing, I guess … I just …

- No matter Britt, it's all great and I'm not mad at you that it was your idea not mine, the most important thing is the result, right? And it could be really big chance for both of us.

- Yes, ok … – I said that but I didn't know what the hell she was talking about, maybe we had been dreaming totally different dreams that night.

Back in present day

Why couldn't I think about any other nights that we had spent together, there were so many wonderful memories of making love as a couple, happy couple and everything what I was able to focus on was our first time, hmm … It had been great in physical way, but on the other hand it had hurt me, that whole crap which had came next, just had hurt me. I had always been able to hide that, especially from Santana, but then I had come to the point when it hadn't been about hiding feelings anymore, good or bad. Few hour ago I had showed her how I had felt, in a selfish way, maybe, but I had finally grown to do that – to put my feelings in the first place. And I was hoping that for both of us it could turn out just right. I was sure that all the way, from the very beginning, from the first night, there had been love, care and desire between two of us. We used to deny it, and we could do that as often as we wanted to, but it wouldn't disappear. I really hoped that this time Santana wouldn't deny us the way she used to do. In the first years of our relationship, it had been about her own sake, about coming out, but now it was behind us. Later somehow she had been thinking that I would be better without her and I had pushed her to pursue her dream of big career. But now I was selfishly hoping that without me she couldn't find happiness, even in New York, like I couldn't be happy without her no matter where I was. At that moment in Breadstix and few hours before, at school, I was for 100% sure that we both finally knew who we were, so it was all about defining what could make us happy, what we really wanted from life. I knew that I needed her in my life, I needed Santana to share everything with, I had learned from my mistakes – I loved her so much, I didn't want to let her go. Even if I had to let go of MIT, of Lima, and had to try to find something for me in New York, I would feel ok with that, cause I knew that she was the most important part of my life, and no matter what would I do, being with her would put sense into everything. Sitting there alone I only hoped that she would embrace all that we could have together, what we could become as a couple and that she would stop to think that she knew better what was best for me. I was waiting for her … But it was getting really late, they were closing Breadstix and she was not there … So I had to go home, but without her it wouldn't be home anyway … just house and my lonely bedroom, empty bed …

Lyrics used in this chapter

Barbra Streisand "Memory"