A quote: If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it. --John Gephart
A/N: Things in *stars* are noises.
A/N2: If you have not yet read The Fic Fairy then go do so now. This is the sequel to that.
Disclaimer: I mean no offense to anyone by this chapter- the police force, ninjas, whoever. ********************************************************************
Part 2: The Fic Fairy Fights Crime
The Fic Fairy comes into view, looking rather pissed.
Fairy: Okay, I stayed, so now what? When do you keep your half of the deal?
Narrator: I will, just be patient!
Fairy: Sure you will.
Narrator: Shut up, or I won't. Now what kind of new outfit did you have in mind?
Fairy: Something comfortable, with a little less skin showing.
Narrator: Like this?
A *snap* is heard, and, with all the appropriate twinkly effects, the fairy is suddenly wearing a faded sweatsuit.
The fairy looks upward unhappily.
Fairy: This is not what I meant!
Narrator: Oh, you want something a little more stylish?
Another *snap*, then the fairy is wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans and an extra-small grey T-shirt.
Fairy: *gasp* I can't breathe in this!
Narrator: Oh, for a happy medium....
A final *snap* is heard. The fairy appears in a baggy pair of jeans and a light green tank top.
Fairy: I suppose this will do. On to the "wand" issue.
A *pop* is heard, and four wands float in front of the fairy. One is glittery with a star on the end- a proper fairy's wand; one is a slender brown twig, most likely willow- a sorceress' wand; one is a skinny black paper rod with white tips- the wand of a stage magician. The last wand is lead or iron or some other suitably strong metal, with dragons carved around its thick body- this wand means business.
The fairy choses the metal wand.
Fairy: Okay, since that's settled, let's work on the "plot" business. I wanna fight crime.
Narrator: How?
Fairy: I dunno, what ways are there?
Narrator: You could be a policeman-
Fairy: Woman.
Narrator: Hmm?
Fairy: Policewoman. You said policeman.
Narrator: Pardon me, oh feminist supreme.
Fairy: Do I detect sarcasm, bozo?
Narrator: Oh, no, of course not.
The narrator snickers.
The fairy glares upward.
Fairy: Okay, let's try this police thing. That sounds like fun.
A *vwoop* sound is heard, and suddenly the fairy is in a police uniform in a patrol car. She is sitting next to a large policeman who is holding a mug of coffee and a jelly donut.
Policeman: Slow night, eh?
Fairy: Ooh boy.
The fairy looks upwards.
Fairy: This is not what I wanted. Get me outta here.
Narrator: What, so soon? Have you fought crime already?
Fairy: Shut up. Just get me out of here.
Policeman: Hey, is everything okay?
Fairy: No, it is not okay!
Policeman: Want a donut?
Fairy: Just shut up.
Narrator: So what now?
Fairy: How about a crime-fighting ninja?
Narrator: A ninja?
Fairy: Why not?
Narrator: If you insist...
Policeman: Hey, where's that voice coming from?
With a *vwoop* the fairy disappears, leaving the policeman looking puzzled.
The scene shifts. Oriental music plays in the background.
Fairy: Cut that out, willya?
The music stops.
Fairy: Okay, less shots of the bamboo and other assorted foliage, more shots of me.
All the people out in Happy Reviewer Land see the fairy. She's dressed in a green kimono.
Fairy: This is not ninja-garb.
A *snap* is heard, and the fairy is suddenly wearing the traditional "ninja-garb"- the loose black suit and sweatband tied behind her head.
The fairy is standing in a small village, surrounded by cowering villagers.
Villager #1: Ah! The bishoujo ninja the prophecies have foretold!
The fairy knocks the man unconscious with her wand.
Fairy: The nerve! Calling me "bishoujo"...
Narrator: Uh, "bishoujo" means "beautiful girl" in Japanese.
Fairy: Oh. Sorry.
Villager #2: The members of the Purple Eyeball Clan are ransacking our villages! You must stop them.
Fairy: No problem. I'll handle those fools.
Narrator: Well, here they come now...
Fairy: I'll kill 'em. No problem.
The members of the Purple Eyeball Clan come into the village- riding horses and toting guns.
The fairy's eyes widen.
Fairy: Okay, maybe not.
The members of the Purple Eyeball Clan grin evilly at each other.
Fairy: Naaaaaaaaaaaarrator! Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
Narrator: So now you need me! Ha!
The fairy grits her teeth.
Fairy: Darn you! I just need out of here before they shoot me!
Narrator: Say it...
Fairy: Say what?
Narrator: Say you need me!
Fairy: You're evil!
Narrator: Say it!
Fairy: I need you! Now get me out of here!
The fairy is gone with a *vwoop* just as the Purple Foot Clan members begin to draw their guns.
Narrator: Where to now?
Fairy: No place. I've had enough excitement-
Narrator: Good.
Fairy: -for now...