At the Movies With Joker and Penguin

by Windrises

Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle find out about Joker and Penguin having an online film-review series. However, Bruce knows that they're planning something bigger and more dangerous.

Note: Batman is owned by DC Comics and was created by writer Bill Finger and artist Bob Kane, along with the help of several uncredited artists.

Bruce Wayne was having a fancy party, to raise money for charity, at his mansion. He was always fond of raising money for people, but he didn't enjoy how boring and immature his guests were. They often talked about things that made him fall asleep or they accidentally broke stuff, including his furniture, tables, and collectibles.

Bruce was reluctantly sitting at a table, with Rupert Thorne and Black Mask. Bruce was having a hard paying attention to them, because he wasn't interested in what they had to say. He noticed that Rupert and Black Mask seemed to be talking to each other, instead of talking to him, so he breathed a sigh of relief.

However, a few minutes later, Rupert nudged Bruce and said, "This is a great party and all, but it has a distracting problem."

Bruce tried not to yawn, while asking, "What's the problem?"

Rupert answered, "The fee to get in here. After all, this is a party, not a theater. Shouldn't the guests have free admittance?"

Bruce sighed and said, "The point of these parties is to donate money. If you don't keep paying the fees, you won't be allowed to attend."

Black Mask looked annoyed, while replying, "Come on, Brucie. I'm all about getting money, not giving it."

Bruce sarcastically replied, "You're such an admirable person." Black Mask shook his fist at Bruce.

Selina Kyle, better known as Catwoman, snuck into the party. She walked by Bruce and winked. Bruce smiled and whispered, "The party finally got an interesting guest."

Rupert looked at him and asked, "Did you say something?"

Bruce stood up and answered, "Nothing important."

Black Mask angrily replied, "You never anything important, at least not anymore."

Bruce sarcastically responded, "Thank you, old friend. Please excuse me. I have a special person to greet."

Bruce was glad he got to escape those two. He walked up to Selina, who had went into Bruce's fridge and was drinking his milk. Nobody else was allowed in the kitchen, because Bruce was tired of his guests spilling his drinks and food and making messes in the kitchen. Bruce said, "Selina, it's good to see you. I've missed you."

Selina replied, "I would be flattered, but I know you're just excited about escaping the party."

Bruce smiled and responded, "For once, I'm guilty. So, what's going on?"

Selina started using one of Bruce's many laptops, while saying, "I have something to show you."

Bruce looked confused, "You came here, just so you can show me some kind of internet video?"

Selina said, "It's more exciting than your party, isn't it?"

Bruce replied, "Well, I can't argue with that one."

Selina showed Bruce that Joker and Penguin had a started an online series. Bruce looked baffled at the sight of two criminals having an internet career. He said, "This doesn't make sense. What are the clown and the bird up to?"

Selina replied, "Believe it or not, they've started a series of film reviews. By the way, they're pretty cringeworthy. I've pressed the dislike button on all of them." Bruce sat down and clicked on the first review. Selina asked, "Why would you want to watch their garbage reviews?"

Bruce answered, "So I can find out their latest plan."

Bruce started watching Joker and Penguin's reviews. The two villains were sitting down on a poorly-made stage, while talking about a dramatic film. The Joker had a big, but creepy grin on his face, while saying, "Welcome to our new series, At the Movie With Joker and Penguin. I'm your host and the clown prince of crime, the Joker."

The Penguin angrily replied, "There's two hosts, not just yourself."

The Joker said, "Eh, you're more of a co-host."

The Penguin replied, "Whenever two people host something, they're both referred to as co-hosts."

The Joker thought about it and responded, "I don't like the sound of thought. I like being in charge."

The Penguin smirked and replied, "If you wanted to be in charge, you'd be the clown king of crime, not the prince."

The Joker straightened his bowtie, while asking, "Can we get on with this? This dramatic film sucked."

The Penguin pointed his umbrella at him and asked, "What's wrong with you? This film was high-art."

The Joker asked, "High art? Art are things in museums, not films. This film was so boring."

The Penguin gently sipped his tea and tried to look as fancy as possible, while saying, "You're non-impactful opinion is unappreciated, Mr. Joker. This film was a beautifully complex look at the quiet and moving moments in life."

The Joker angrily tapped his feet on the screen and replied, "Come on, Pengy-Wengy. This film was a marathon of boredom. It was about mundane, emotional crap. Who cares about that?"

The Penguin was getting frustrated, while asking, "What do you want films to be like?"

The Joker answered, "I want corny acting, tons of violence, fowl language, and lots of immature humor."

The Penguin said, "Joker, you understand nothing about cinema. You have no sense of analyzing."

The Joker asked, "Analyzing? This is a film review, not a book report. However, your descriptions of films are as boring as my grade-school assignments." He burst into a crazy sounding laughter.

The Penguin put his hand over his face, while saying, "Let's wrap this review up. I give the film two thumbs up."

The Joker replied, "I give your review two thumbs down." The rest of the review was just Joker and Penguin arguing, so Bruce clicked the dislike button and stopped watching it.

Bruce looked back at Selina and said, "Joker and Penguin are up to no good."

Selina was still drinking milk, while saying, "Duh, they're your arch-enemies."

Bruce said, "Joker and Penguin are copying Siskel and Ebert's show, but I don't get why."

Selina raised an eyebrow and asked, "Who are those two guys?"

Bruce answered, "Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert are two of the greatest film reviewers of all time. Their brilliant and unique way at reviewing films inspired my eccentric way of crimefighting. They taught me anything is possible and believe me, getting Joker and Penguin's show cancelled is possible."

Selina smiled and said, "Sounds purrfect. So, are we going to beat the heck out Joker and Penguin?"

Bruce stuck his hands in the air and replied, "Hold on there. I believe there's a more subtle way of getting them offline."

Selina asked, "What do you have in mind?"

Bruce said, "An old friend of mine, named Harvey Dent, is a lawyer. Maybe we can sue them."

Selina sighed and asked, "You think those two would be allowed in a courtroom? Joker would throw laughing gas at the jury."

Bruce thought about it and replied, "Fair point. What are we supposed to do?"

Selina had a mischievous smile on her face, while saying, "Break into Joker and Penguin's hideout and beat them up."

Bruce replied, "I'll consider it. I better get back to the party, before people have a million questions about where I went to. Care to join me?"

Selina responded, "I'll be there soon." Bruce smiled at her and walked away. Selina took Bruce's bags of cat food and put them in her purse.

Bruce walked back to Rupert Thorne and Black Mask. Rupert Thorne handed Bruce a glass of expired cider and said, "It's good to have you back, Mr. Wayne. My friend and I have a little announcement."

Bruce asked, "What is it?"

Black Mask answered, "We're not going to your next party."

Bruce was relieved to hear that. He tried to hide his excitement, while asking, "Why not?"

Rupert said, "The new online celebrities, Joker and Penguin, are having a party at their set. Since they're not charging money, it's better than your parties."

Black Mask said, "Joker and Penguin seem a lot more charismatic and fun than Mr. Wayne." Rupert and Black Mask high-fived each other and started heading out, while Bruce figured out what Joker and Penguin's real plan was.

Bruce ran to Selina and told her about Joker and Penguin's upcoming party. Selina sighed and asked, "Who cares about their dumb party?"

Bruce explained, "Rupert Thorne and Black Mask think that Joker and Penguin aren't going to charge them any money, but they couldn't be wronger about that. They're inviting guests to their place, free of charge. However, their party is actually a robbery. They're inviting people there, so they can rob the guests. They're mostly inviting rich people, so they can become as rich as me."

Selina asked, "So they have no interest in being online reviewers?"

Bruce shook his head and answered, "That was just an internet scam, but their scam is more dangerous than most online crimes." Bruce started walking to the table where he left his mail.

Selina asked, "What are you doing?"

Bruce answered, "I'm checking to see if I got a special invitation." Bruce found out that he got an invitation to Joker and Penguin's party. He showed it to Selina and said, "Those two con-artists want me there, so they can take my wealth away."

Selina had an offended look on her face, while saying, "I didn't get an invitation."

Bruce tried to make Selina feel better, by asking, "Would you care to me my plus-one?"

Selina said, "Sounds nice. Do I have to wear a fancy dress?"

Bruce replied, "Wear any dress. What matters is that you bring your Catwoman costume. We have some criminals to stop." Selina nodded.

A week later, Bruce and Selina arrived at Joker and Penguin's set. Bruce was wearing a black tuxedo and Selina was wearing a purple dress. Bruce asked, "Do I look cool?"

Selina asked, "You're worried about looking cool? You're Bruce Wayne, not Mr. Freeze."

Bruce said, "So I don't look too bad?"

Selina replied, "You look hot."

Bruce was amused to be called that. He said, "I don't think so. After all, I'm Bruce Wayne, not Firefly."

While walking into the building, Selina whispered to Bruce, "Why are we talking about such nonsense?"

Bruce whispered back, "I pretend to be immature, so I can keep my secret identity."

Bruce and Selina looked around the party area. They saw several people dressed as clowns and there were several penguins running around.

Bruce wasn't thrilled to see Rupert Thorne and Black Mask. Rupert Thorne had a smug smile on his face, while saying, "It's good that you're here, Mr. Wayne. Seeing how Joker and Penguin don't charge their guests could inspire you to do the same thing."

Black Mask said, "Even though Joker and Penguin are criminals, they have more generosity than Mr. Wayne."

Bruce angrily replied, "I charge my guests, so they can help me raise money for charity."

Rupert responded, "If you want to donate money, just write a bunch of checks and stop forcing your guests to spend their money."

Black Mask said, "I used to think you were something special, Mr. Wayne. I regret having such thoughts." The greedy jerks went back to partying.

Selina looked at Bruce and said, "I think we should let Joker and Penguin rob them. They don't deserve their cash."

Bruce replied, "I agree that those two don't deserve their wealth, but we can't let Joker and Penguin get away with this crime." Bruce signaled for Selina to follow him. They snuck into a nearby room and saw Joker and Penguin, who were getting their laughing gas ready. Bruce and Selina went into a nearby janitor's closet and got on their costumes. Bruce became Batman and Selina became Catwoman.

A few minutes later, Joker and Penguin approached their party guests. The Joker grinned and said, "Greetings, you old guests. My partner and I are honored to have you here."

The Penguin replied, "Reviewing films is a privilege, despite Joker's lack of artistic talent." Joker angrily stared at him. The Penguin said, "Anyways, our show has been a success, despite the high amount of dislikes."

The Joker said, "However, that's not why we've brought you here. We have a prize for you greedy losers." Joker and Penguin turned on a machine, that started spraying laughing gas at the guests.

Rupert burst into laughter, while asking, "What's going on?"

The Joker looked at him and Black Mask and said, "You two, along with rest, are big suckers. This is a robbery, not a party. Although the admittance is free, getting out of here costs you everything. Hand over your wallets and your other valuable items."

The Penguin replied, "Joker's laughing gas has always been dangerous. However, I used my brilliant mind and found a way to make it even more worrisome. This machine's laughing gas will make you crazy, if it's not turned off soon."

The Joker said, "Hand over the wallets or we're going to have a second Arkham Asylum." He did an evil laugh.

Batman and Catwoman burst into the party room. Batman looked at the villains and said, "Your crimes going to be cancelled faster than your show's ratings."

Black Mask frowned and replied, "Terrible joke." Despite not being amused, he kept laughing, because of the laughing gas.

Batman said, "Joker and Penguin, turn off the machine."

The Penguin replied, "We will, if the penny-pinchers hand over their cash. It's a fair deal, wouldn't you say?"

Catwoman thought it over and responded, "I hate to agree with those two, but their deal seems fair. Greedy jerks, like Thorne and Black Mask, had this punishment coming."

Batman sternly replied, "We're supposed to focus on justice, not vengeance."

Catwoman responded, "No offense, but that sounds kind of corny."

The Joker walked closer to her and replied, "It's about time you said something worthwhile. You wouldn't be a bad addition to the team. After all, me and Pengy-Wengy's show is lacking a female character. Interested?"

Catwoman stuck her tongue out and replied, "Even being in the Super Friends is more tempting than that."

The Joker screamed, "What?! Super Friends is lame!"

Batman defensively replied, "It was good, back in the day."

The Penguin responded, "Eh, it hasn't aged that well."

Batman started fighting the Joker, while Catwoman beaded up Penguin. Joker had a sinister grin on his face, while saying, "You look confident, Batman. I'm guessing you have some kind of trick up your sleeve. Well forget about that crap, because I have a trick that'll put you and your accomplice out of business." He ran to the laughing-gas machine and started using it on Batman and Catwoman.

Since Penguin was standing by Catwoman, he was affected by the machine. He burst into laughter, while saying, "Joker, you're an idiot and a terrible co-host. Batman and Catwoman are probably immune to this stuff, thanks to one of Batman's corny gadgets."

The Joker replied, "I see."

The Penguin kept laughing, while saying, "I'm trusting you have a back-up plan."

The Joker nervously chuckled and replied, "I don't."

While the Penguin was busy being affected by the laughing gas, Catwoman punched him to the ground. He passed out, before he could tell Joker his own back-up plan.

The Joker turned around and saw Batman, who had his fists ready. He nervously smiled and asked, "Would you care to be my new co-star?"

Batman answered, "No website's going to pickup your show, after they hear about your latest scam. You've made enough videos. It's time for you to go where all retired scammers belong, Arkham Asylum." He kicked the Joker across the stage. The Joker did a bunch of crazy laughs, before passing out.

Batman looked back at Catwoman and said, "Nice work."

Catwoman proudly replied, "I'm the best."

Batman said, "Joker and Penguin thought they could top the best reviewers, but their ambitious plan failed, thanks to their never-ending greed. Selina, you used to be like that. You obsessed over petty things, like jewels and stuff like that."

Catwoman replied, "That's true, but those days are done. Don't you trust me?"

Batman nodded and responded, "I trust you."

Catwoman smiled and said, "Now that joke-boy and the birdseed-eater have been defeated, how about dinner and a movie."

Batman smiled back and replied, "Very well then." Joker and Penguin often came close to ruining Gotham's reputation and make people put their thumbs down, in disapproval. Thanks to Batman, thumbs were up, across the city.