I did this for the HC-Bingo on LJ. The prompt was "depression". Hope you all like it!
Leave reviews and let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Her Smile
Hermione made sure to reach the platform 9 ¾ just in time for the train's departure. She wasn't feeling like talking to anyone. Her life was not the same anymore and she pretty much hated it. Her parents were too protective of her, terrified with the knowledge that they almost lost her and wouldn't have even notice if they had. Harry and Ron were always looking at her with guilt in their eyes. She hated it – she was no maiden in distress, so she had no use for their guilt. Ron tried to be her boyfriend, but they came to agree it wasn't the right choice. It would have felt like an obligation if it indeed had happened. The rest of the Wizard World just looked at her as the intelligent girl of the Golden Trio – a heroin of some sort.
However, all that she really wanted was to feel normal again. She just wanted to dive in her books and drawn on them. That was why she decided to go back to Hogwarts, even though Harry and Ron were not, accepting the job of Head Girl, hoping she could forget a little bit of all the horrors she had seen.
"Hey, Hermione!" she heard Ginny calling. "Come sit with us!"
She was sharing the cabin with Neville and Luna. Hermione tried to smile to them, but managed only a weak thing that seemed to be her trade mark smile now. The war had slaughtered her previous bright one.
"Save the seat for me, will you? I just want to see who is the Head Boy and talk to him a bit. I'll be back in a minute."
They all nodded and smiled happily at her. She was really glad her friends were that happy. Ginny was dating Harry for real and that was nothing in the world that could make her happier than that. Neville was invited by Professor Sprout to go back to Hogwarts and assist her not only with the reconstruction of the greenhouses that got destroyed on the previous year confrontations but with the classes too. He and Luna were an item now, to make everything better for him. Luna, for Hermione's awe, was perfectly normal, even after everything she had been trough. Hermione couldn't help but envy them all. She was truly glad her friends were happy, but she just couldn't share that happiness. She was not the same and nothing she did seemed to change that.
She kept her way down the corridor until reaching the wagon reserved to Head Boy and Girl. The silence there was a blessing and Hermione let her fake smile die. Pretending all the time was tiring, even for her.
"Granger." An ice cold well known voice saluted her, but there was no threaten or disgust in it. "I should have known it would be you."
Hermione stared at the owner of the voice. Draco Malfoy was the Head Boy. She definitely could understand why Headmistress McGonagall had done that, but she was nervous anyways.
"Malfoy." She acknowledged him. "I hope we can do a good job this year."
He nodded and she noticed how different he was. It crushed her to see resignation in his former arrogant grey eyes. His posture wasn't the same, his behaviour wasn't the same. The disgust that had once been dominant in his eyes and tone of voice while directing himself to her was gone. It all crushed her deeply. Everything was different.
"Well, I came here to know better who I would be working with, but it is pointless, right? We know each other well enough."
He only nodded and watched as she got out just as quickly as she had got in.
It didn't take long for Hermione and Draco to find a comfortable way to work together. They managed to talk politely to each other and got along quite well. But truth was that Draco's behaviour only added up to Hermione's depression. She hated that he was so changed. She hated that he wasn't ironic and disdainful anymore. He seemed so weak and defenseless and she knew it wasn't true, she knew it wasn't right.
One day, in the ends of September, they ran into each other on their patrolling ways. Hermione nodded to him and he nodded back to her. She thought it would be all, but suddenly, he grabbed her by the hand before she could walk away from him.
"Is anything wrong, Malfoy?" she asked nervously.
He had never touched her before. Never.
"Granger… I wanted to apologize to you for not helping you in the Manor. I just sat there and watched when I could have helped you. I truly am sorry."
Her chocolate eyes were wide with shock. He was apologizing to her? Draco Malfoy was apologizing to her? It was way more than she could handle. Way more than she could ever handle. She was so tired and so frustrated. She would give anything she had to get her old life back, and he definitely wasn't helping. She wanted, she needed, old Malfoy back. On behalf of her sanity.
"Please, stop. I hated you all my life because you were arrogant and self-centred. I hated you because you never respected me even though my grades had always been better than yours. I hated you because you had pleasure in turning our lives into a living hell." She held her tears, not wanting to show him all her vulnerability, all her weakness. "Never because you were evil. We knew you never really were. Murtle told us what you had been through in our sixth year. It was your task but you didn't kill Dumbledore. We respected you for that, we really did. We always knew you had no choice but to be on Voldemort's side, and even so you did your best to get the least involved you could. You're not him, you're not your aunt Bellatrix. You were just unlucky. Unlucky to be born a Malfoy in such times."
Draco was speechless. In a few words she had seen all his internal trouble, all his guilt, all his misery. He could have run away, he could have been of more help to the right side, but he was afraid. Lucius and Narcisa were not the best parents, but they were all the family he got and he feared what could have happened to them if he had done anything that wasn't a part of Bellatrix's plans.
"So, please, Draco, don't treat me like that." At this point, she was crying freely. "I can't handle any other changes in the people around me. Please, just be your ordinary acid sarcastic self, keep seeing me as inferior, keep being arrogant. I can't stand the sight of this new you. You are supposed to piss me off badly, not passing by unnoticed.
The biggest shock was hearing her saying his name. It was the first time in seven years. Secondly, he could see how truly desperate she really was – as desperate as he was. They were both losing themselves and couldn't figure out a way to find their identities again. She was right, if everything was different, they didn't need to be as well.
He let her hand go and rolled his eyes.
"I'm here, trying to be nice and you are being ridiculously troublesome. Don't get used to it, Granger, I won't take it easy on you next time."
She wiped her tears and opened a huge smile.
"I don't need your apology, Malfoy. And I know how to take care of myself."
She turned around and walked away.
For the days that followed, Draco searched for her in every room, watching her closely to try and get another glimpse of that beautiful smile she gave him. However, all her smiles were faint and small, never the bright hugeness he saw that day. He couldn't understand. Why did she give him that smile when she no longer smiled like that?
"Hey, where are you going?" Hermione's voice caught him before he could make a clean escape from the Great Hall. "We have a meeting today with the prefects. We have to set the details for the Halloween party."
He sighed.
"You're not five, I'm sure you don't need me."
"It's you obligation. We'll coordinate everything."
"Granger, make yourself useful at least one time, will you? It's not like you would hear my opinion, anyways."
"The Headmistress will hear from this." She narrowed her eyes to him.
He sighed, tired. He couldn't care less about the Halloween party. It was late and all he wanted was his bed. Sleeping was all he seemed to do nowadays, even so, he was always tired. Life was not feeling very satisfactory lately.
"Fine."
Hermione rolled her eyes but a smile crept on her face. She felt alive while arguing with him. Seemed just right.
Draco sat in a chair in front of her on the Griffindor's table and crossed his arms, already bored to death. However, there it was. The smile he had been looking for was right there, just for his eyes to see.
Dear Hermione,
Harry and I are having a great time here in the Burrow. We play Quiditch every day and practicesome spells in order to prepare for the Auror's program tryouts. We are very confident, but we want you to see and correct us. How are you doing? Your never write me back. Did I say something stupid in any of my letters?
Dearly, Ron.
Dear Mione,
How are you? We miss you greatly and we are really sorry you decided to go back to Hogwarts even though we both decided not to attend our last year of school.
As brightest witch our age I'm sure your grades are the higher ones of the whole school. How is Head Girl position treating you, though? I feel like I made all those questions already, but you never send an owl back. Is everything okay? Ron is convinced he probably wrote something to upset you, but I hardly think that's the reason. Would you tell, eventually? After everything, is really weird not to know what is happening to you.
Harry.
Hermione sighed. It wasn't their fault and she didn't mean to let it on their shoulders, but she couldn't stand them now. They, Ron and Harry and her parents, reminded her too much about the War. It was right there, stamped on their eyes: the pity, the worry, the guilt. She hated it all. Being away from them was the one reason why she was still keeping her sanity.
When the war ended, when Voldemort was dead and his Death Eaters in Azkhaban, she sought some comfort on Ron's arms; they shared a night together but it was far from being what she truly needed. Yes, she had lost herself that deeply. She and Ron had agreed to stay friends, but Hermione sometimes suspected he hadn't let her go yet.
But she just… couldn't. A part of her was missing and he hadn't been able to fill that hole for her.
Anyhow, she didn't have the time to think about that anymore. The Halloween party was that night and she had to guarantee everything would be perfect and patrol the halls and corridors once it was over.
At her right side, Ginny was babbling about something. Since she wasn't paying any attention, all she could do was mumble an agreement from time to time. Sometimes, she felt guilty for not finding any interests in Ginny's talks. The Weasley was, in Hermione's eyes, the luckiest girl in the whole world. She had passed through all the pain, the horror and the suffering as if it was all an ordinary part of a year at Hogwarts. She was still the same. Luna too. And Neville, Harry and Ron. None of them had changed.
Think of that made her feel lonely. Could she possibly be the only one that had changed? No. The answer came quickly to her mind. Malfoy had changed too. Who would have known that she and Malfoy – Malfoy of all people – would feel the same way?
When she caught herself, she was in her room, staring at the costume she was supposed to wear that night. She sat on her bed and closed the curtains around her. Sometimes, she felt like crying for no real reason. And she was always so tired… If she was to go to a muggle psychologist, he or she would definitely prescript her an anti-depressive. Maybe she needed it. Maybe it would make her feel better.
She sighed. What was wrong with her? Nothing felt pleasant anymore, and she hated to feel that way. Everyone else was enjoying their new shots at life – everyone but her.
With another sigh, she got dressed. She wore thigh-length black socks, doll-like shoes, a blue dress with white apron and a black bow on her hair. She applied some make up just to feel like she was going to a party. At last, she put her Head Girl pin on the dress.
She left for the Great Hall trying to avoid all the griffindors. Since everyone was busy getting dressed, she managed to go out the common room unnoticed.
Her eyes, though, went wide when she saw Malfoy.
"It's just me or are you the Mad Hatter?" she asked in utter disbelief.
"Yes, Alice." He laughed at her. "I am the Mad Hatter."
Draco was wearing a brown suit that looked really old, but she knew it was just because of the character. His mismatching socks were as colourful as socks could get, just as his silky shirt was. On top of all that was the hat.
"Since when do you know muggle tales?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Since last summer. Some of them are actually very nice. Lewis Caroll is fine, but I surely could have killed myself with Hans Christen Andersen."
Hermione couldn't find the words to answer him. She agreed with him. She has never liked any of the tales of Hans Christen Andersen, they were all so… dark and sad.
"What's the matter, Granger?" he rolled his eyes. "Did the Cheshire Cat eat your tongue? I do like to leave you speechless, but it's not quite enjoyable this time."
"It's nothing, I'm sorry."
The students started to appear and the party began for real. Incredibly enough, they didn't have any troubles. It was so calm that it actually got boring, especially for Draco.
"Hey, Alice, do you want to dance?"
"Are you serious?"
"No, I'm plotting to humiliate you." He rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm serious, stupid. I'm dying of boredom here."
She fought a want to laugh and caught the hand he was offering her. They went to the dance floor and started dancing. When they got there, people shot them weird glances. What was one of the Griffindor's princesses doing dancing with a slytherin? With Draco Malfoy?! But the commotion soon faded away and by the third song no one really cared anymore about Hermione and Draco.
She, however, was having fun like she didn't have in months. Actually, it was the most fun she had in years. She had never been a party girl, and the last time she danced was in her fourth year with Viktor Krum. She had forgotten how wonderful it felt.
Draco, on the other hand, was quite satisfied with himself. The smile was there again, on Granger's lips. He caught himself liking the fact that the smile was just for him. No one else saw it anymore – it was his and his only. He couldn't know why it felt do damn good to have that smile to himself, but he decided to let the reasons go. He was living his life the way he wanted. Hell, he deserved the freedom, especially after all the shit he had been through with his lame excuse of a family.
However, the smile died on her lips and his self-satisfaction went away with it.
"I need to go." She said hurriedly, walking away, leaving him alone on the dance floor.
He followed her with his eyes and saw the reason why she left. Potter and Weasley were there. She hugged them and put the fake smile on her lips. That smile thing was really becoming an obsession to Draco. Why was she smiling so beautifully to him when the smile she gave to her two best friends was so miserably fake? His ego was more than inflated, but his brain was working non-stop on the reasons why.
"You were… dancing with Malfoy?" Ron asked her in pure disbelief.
She sighed.
"Yes, Ron, I was dancing with Malfoy."
"Why?!" his face was had passed through every possible shade of red until settling for the darkest one.
She sighed again.
"We work together now. He is now a more bearable version of annoying Malfoy. The Headmistress wants us to get along and we are living up to her expectations."
"I still don't get it."
She rolled her eyes.
"Of course you don't, Ronald."
Their argument died when Ginny got near them and jumped on Harry, almost screaming how glad she was that he was there and how much she missed him and other stuff of the same sort.
Ron's eyes filled up with a mixture of sadness and jealousness.
"Why can't we be like that?"
"Because we're not, Ron. They are in love with each other, we are not."
"I never said I wasn't in love with you."
"Oh, honey, I know you are not. You love me and I love you, but not like that. We are like siblings, you know that."
He sighed.
"Yeah, right."
Hermione smiled weakly to him and excused herself, claiming she had some Head Girl's tasks to perform.
Draco watched her disappear, walking away from the Great Hall. He assumed his role as Head Boy and got back to watching the party, lying against a wall with his arms crossed and his face as serious as it could get. She was a real mystery to him. On the past, he had hated her only for being better than him in every possible manner, even though he was a pureblood wizard and she was muggle born. However, those days were over for Draco Malfoy. The war opened his eyes and cleared his mind. For his whole life he had listened to his father, not even stopping to think for a minute on the implications of Lucius's actions. He knew much better now. Everything could had been different from him during the War if only he had allied himself in the right side.
Not much far from him, Pansy Parkinson was talking and giggling – more giggling than talking – with some other slytherin girls.
"We'll teach her the lesson of her life." Draco heard Pansy's boring voice saying. "She'll learn not to mess with Slytherin."
"She is nothing without those losers friends of hers." Another girl laughed.
Draco wasn't enjoying the path that conversation was taking.
"When she gets to the dungeons, she'll have a nice surprise."
He grabbed Pansy by the arm strongly enough to leave a bruise.
"What are you plotting, Parkinson?"
"We'll teach that griffindor bitch a lesson!" she answered, her face contorting with the pain. "We put a surprise to her in the dungeons."
"Are you insane? Do you have any idea what consequences Slytherin will have to face because of this?"
"Like we care! She is a pain in the ass and we'll teach her what Slytherin is made of!"
Draco pushed Pansy's hand, letting go of his grip and walked fast, descending the stairs to the dungeons. He entered the first door he found opened, desperately wanting to find her. Luckily she was there, but the situation was as terrible as he assumed it would be. She was at the end of the classroom, with her back glued to the wall, her eyes were dazed and filled up by fear, her body trembling. She was frightened of something she was seeing, but the room was completely empty.
"Stay away from me." She whispered when she saw him. He knew she wasn't seeing him – her mid had succumbed completely to the illusion of the spell.
It was said that this spell was created by Slytherin himself, and all the students of his House, at some point, learned how to perform it. It wasn't a forbidden magic, but it was dangerous enough to be considered as one. The mind eater.
She wasn't seeing the room around her but reliving a painful and terrifying memory. And he was quite sure he knew what memory was that. It was one of his worst too. The madness on Belatrix's eyes reached a whole new level that day, and he really thought he would vomit, just from watching. He only held his stomach down because he knew it would only make everything much worse. Lunatic Belatrix loved the Dark Lord and such love meant much more to her than anything else, including her sister and her family. He really tried to help them, pretending he couldn't really tell if the boy was Potter or not, but it all he could have done at that moment, but now he wished he had done more. Voldemort's anger that day had been great, anyways, so it really made no difference.
But that wasn't the time to remember that awful day. He had to help her free her mind before it was too late.
"Granger, it is me, Malfoy." He said to her carefully. "Your mind is the only thing that can free you from the spell."
She took her wand and pointed it at him.
"Stay away."
She began to cry and Draco strongly felt like killing Pansy Parkinson. What the hell was she thinking? That was a powerful spell, it was definitely not made for pranks.
"Come on, Granger. You are way better than Parkinson."
However, she was neither listening nor seeing him. The spell had her completely. A blue light left her wand and he dodged just in time to get only a scratch on his arm. It started to bleed immediately, but he couldn't care less about his blood. She had to break free from the spell, otherwise she would be trapped forever. It was already shocking enough that her mind was wounded to the point that a spell casted by Parkinson would have taken her. The War was the responsible for that too, he was sure. Just like it had changed his mind completely, it probably had changed hers too.
She slid down the wall and hid her face on her knees, sobbing. He took the opportunity and slowly approached her, being extra careful not to startle her. Draco kneeled next to her and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Come on, Hermione." He whispered. "After everything you have been through, you'll let a Slytherin's girl be the one to ruin you?"
She didn't raise her head to look at him, but the sobs ceased and she screamed. He just waited until she looked at him. The focus was back to her warm eyes and she seemed to see exactly what was around her.
"Malfoy, you are bleeding! Was it me? I am sorry I-"
"Shut up." He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her all the way up to the Headmistress's office.
The anger on his voice kept her from saying anything else.
"Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Granger." McGonagall saluted them both. "What can I do to-" but her eyes caught sight of the blood on his arm and the way he was grabbing Hermione with his good arm before she could finish that polite sentence. "What happened to the two of you?"
"Some slytherin girls trapped Granger on an illusion spell. She could have been trapped forever if no one found her."
McGonagall's eyes widened in utter disbelief.
"I wish I could give Slytherin points for your brave behaviour, Mr. Malfoy, but I'm afraid the actions of your colleagues don't allow me to do so."
"Take all the points if you have to, Headmistress." And he listed the names of all girls involved.
"Go to Madame Pomfrey for your arm and take Ms. Granger to her dorm, please. The prefects can deal with the party."
He nodded and left the room, still pulling Hermione, but completely unaware of it.
"Malfoy, that is not the way to Madame Pomfrey."
"It's just a scratch. It's more important to take you to Griffindor."
"You are bleeding." Her voice showed great concern.
"So?" he raised an eyebrow as he stared into her worried eyes.
She let go of his grab and got her wand. With one swift move, all the blood disappeared and the cut was closed.
"Thank you." He said, but sigh soon followed his voice. "I'm sorry it's not the same. I don't know how to be me anymore."
He really wished things could go back to the way they used to be. He wanted to still hate her, to be obsessed with the fact she was better than him, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore. It seemed silly, foolish really, after everything that happened on the past year.
She opened a small smile.
"I understand. I'm just like you. I forgot. I have no idea who I am now and I cannot remember how I used to be."
He chuckled.
"You are an annoying know-it-all that wouldn't get away from books even if the world was about to explode."
"Well, this I still am."
"I guess you are right." He chuckled again.
"You are an arrogant elitist bastard that could only annoy everyone else."
He shrugged.
"That's still the same."
"What is really missing, then?
"Our old lives, our old beliefs, our old naivety."
"Yes, but we are the only ones, Malfoy. All the others are just fine."
"That's because they always had strong beliefs. We didn't. You are muggle-born and I was tormented. We began the War with our minds in the wrong place, and that's the price. Our consequences."
"Yes, you're right. And I really hate to admit this."
He gave her his best cocky smile and Hermione lost herself for a moment in it. She was drawn to him. He was the one person to make her feel alive. Yes, she was treating her differently too. He said "muggle-born" and not "mudblood", like he would have one year ago. He, for once, seemed safe for her. Actually, he seemed the safest. No one else understood, but he did. If someone had told her two years prior to that moment that Draco Malfoy, one day, would be the only one to understand her feelings, she would have laughed hardly enough to lose all the air on her lungs. However, here she was, with only him to comprehend.
Before she could protest or think too much about the matter, Draco had her against the wall with his lips locked on hers. She kissed him back and crossed her legs around his body when he pushed her up by her thighs. She felt his hands travel through her legs. He pushed down her socks, almost ripping them and she felt her skin burn when his fingers touched it. Hermione never thought she would like so much to feel Draco Malfoy touching her.
But fire was ephemeral, and he soon let go of her. The guilt in his eyes almost killed her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
But she shushed him putting a finger on his lips.
"Don't be. It's fine for you to not want to repeat it, but don't be sorry, don't say you didn't mean it."
She wouldn't be able to take his denial right now, not after that. He was allowed to regret that poor decision, of course, but he definitely wasn't allowed to say it wasn't his intention. If he had no intentions, it shouldn't had been so intense.
He smiled weakly and kissed her again, this time more tenderly.
"I'll take you to your dorm now."
Hermione was waiting for the horseless carriages to come and pick the students up for the holidays. It was snowing and she was desperately searching for her Griffindor's scarf in her hand bag, but it just wasn't there.
She groaned. Her coat didn't cover her neck and she was feeling the cold air creeping down her shirt's collar, freezing her inside. However, she couldn't go back to her room and get her scarf or she would lose the transportation. It was frustrating and infuriating! She closed the zipper of her bag with ferocity and was truly surprised when warm wool was put around her neck.
"You can have mine."
She looked from him to the green and silver scarf with surprise. Draco and her had been secretly together since the Halloween party, but that scarf changed everything. That scarf sent a message, stated the truth.
Seeing the shock in her warm chocolate eyes, he quickly added:
"You can refuse, if you want to."
She set the scarf properly around her neck and smiled.
"No, I want it."
He smiled back.
"Great."
She knew that gesture symbolized something he just couldn't voice, but it was fine with her. She was the talkative one of that relationship, and she didn't mind it one bit. But the scarf…
"Try to get back for the New Year." He asked, trying not to make a big deal out of it.
"I will. Behave."
"What do you mean?" he pretended to feel hurt by her insinuation.
"Just do it."
The carriages appeared and he helped her to get in one.
"See you soon." She smiled.
He kissed her. Right there, in front of everybody. She kissed him back, feeling quite good about it. The carriage began to move and he watched as it went away.
Hermione waved and smiled to him. The smile that was only his.