Final fantasy talk shows. I own no final fantsy or anything else.
Maury: hello everyone and welcome to the show. Today we're going to be talking to a teen who loves to have sex, with an older man! Everyone, welcome to the stage, Rikku!
Audience: boo!
Lone voice: yah!
Rikku: shut up you big meanies! You don't even know him!
Maury: we know he's a little too old for you!
Rikku: but he's kind and generous! It's not like I jumped into bed with him the first chance I got, we spent a lot of time together traveling with our friends. We just happened to fall in love on the way!
Audience: boo!
Maury: now Rikku, I find that hard to believe. How old is this guy?
Rikku: uh…(looks around uncomfortably) 35.
Audience: uuuugghhh!
Maury: I agree with the audience, Rikku, you're a fifteen year old girl sleeping with a man more than double your age. You also told our producers you may be pregnant, is that true?
Rikku: yeah, that's right, we're going to be a family.
Maury: yeah, well, what makes you think he's going to stick around?
Audience: yah!
Rikku: he will! He loves me!
Maury: your Father also loves you, Rikku, and he's here, but before we meet him, Rikku, you have taken a pregnancy test for us, and soon we will reveal it live, are you ready for that?
Rikku: sure, let's do it.
Maury: great! Now everyone, welcome Rikku's father, Cid!
Audience: yeah!
Lone voice: Boo!
Cid: Rikku! What the hell do you think you're doing? Defiling your body with the likes of him? He doesn't love you!
Rikku: yes he does!
Cid: your just a kid! How can you possibly know what love is?
Rikku: Auron's showed me what love is!
Cid: that perv only showed you how vulnerable you really are!
Rikku: you don't know anything about us!
Cid: I know he probably knocked my little girl up! Your brother is fit to be tied!
Rikku: well, I know I'm pregnant, so you two will have to get use to it!
Maury: lets find out now, shall we?
Audience: yaaah!
Maury: Rikku, you are not pregnant
Cid: hah!
Audience screams
Rikku runs backstage, her father follows.
Maury: that's all for today!
Backstage after the show
Rikku: I don't care what you say! I'm still going to see him!
Audience: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Jerry: welcome to the Jerry Springer show. The first of our guests is Lulu. Now, lulu is pregnant, but has admitted to us she only loves her husband because he looks like her late boyfriend. Please welcome, Lulu!
Audience: yaah!
Jerry: hi lulu.
Lulu: hello, Jerry.
Jerry: so what's going on?
Lulu: well, wakka's not bad or anything, it's just that I'm really in love with Chappu who died, and is his brother.
Jerry: and Wakka has no idea?
Lulu: I'm sure he has some.
Jerry: Let's find out right now. Welcome to the show, Wakka!
Audience: Yaah!
Wakka walks onstage over to Lulu and kisses her.
Wakka: I have no idea, ya? I mean, we just got married and she's carrying my baby! We going to make great parents, yah?
Lulu: hmph! We? All you do is blitzball! Even though your retired, it's blitzball! And now your talking about coming out of retirement?
Wakka: for us, Yah? I'm doing it to earn us all some gil! With the gil a blizter like me earns, we could have a great life, right bruddas?
Men in the audience: woo! Tell your woman!
Lulu sends lightning.
Men in audience: whimper…
Jerry: well, Wakka, Lulu has a secret for you.
Wakka: what is it, lu?
Lulu: I may have only married you because of Chappu! Just like he's the only reason you married me!
Wakka: what the hell are you talking about?!
Lulu: you know exactly what I'm talking about! You promised him you'd protect me! How the do I know this is real?
Wakka: ok, so at the beginning I promised him, yah? But that doesn't change that I love you Lu, ya!
Lulu smacks him: Lies!
Wakka: think what you want, ya?
Audience: oooooh!
Wakka: shut up!
Jerry: now our audience will ask you some questions.
Man : My questions for the lady with all the belts, are you just carrying your disciplinary weapons for your kids with you?
Lulu: who are you? I do not believe I'm talking to you!
Audience: oooh!
Woman : I've got a question for Wakka. If your such an amazing ball player, you could probably have any girl you want! Why stay with the female grim reaper?
Wakka: oh boy, you shouldn't of said that, ya?
(lulu burns down the building)
Jerry: That's all for today
Wakka: we never should have left besaid.
Steve: today we will be talking with a man who loves little girls.
Audience: oooooh!
Steve: please welcome Auron.
Audience:…clap…
Steve: don't you even think of sitting on my show.
Auron: huh? I don't even know why I'm here.
Steve: what do you mean you don't know why you're here? You're here because you like to hurt little girls!
Auron: what do you mean? I've never hurt a little girl!
Steve: what about Rikku asswipe? Didn't you trick her into sleeping with you?
Auron: no! she wanted to. I love her!
Steve: come on, your 35 and she's only fifteen. You only like her innocence.
Auron: I'm telling you that's not true!
Audience: boo!
Steve: it is true you can't sleep with a fifteen year old! That's called rape, pervert!
Auron: You have no idea what my feelings are toward Rikku.
Steve: oh, I know exactly what your feelings are!
Audience: yeah! Steve!
Auron: You stay away from Rikku and me!
Steve: If I have anything to say about it, you'll never see Rikku again!
Audience: Yah! Steve!
Auron: And how do you expect to do that? This is my story, and Rikku is a big part of it!
Steve: your sick, you know that? What are you, some fairy-tale story teller that tricks little girls into loving them?
Auron: I tricked no one!
Steve: you know what? I'm done with you, get the hell off my stage!
Auron: gladly
Oprah: Hello everybody, and welcome. Today we will be talking with a woman who has found love. The only thing is, the person she person she loves, lives in her dreams. Please welcome Yuna.
Audience claps
Oprah: Yuna, so you say your in love with this really special boy?
Yuna: yeah, I really am.
Oprah: what's his name?
Yuna: His name is Tidus, and he's amazing
Oprah: But Yuna, you admit that "Tidus" is a dream?
Yuna: Yeah, he was at first, but then he got sucked into my world.
Oprah: he got sucked into your world? As in he is real now?
Yuna: In a way, yeah. He came from a place called Zanerkin that's been dead for a thousand years.
Oprah: so now he's a thousand year old dream? Do you believe he actually exists?
Yuna: of course I've seen him! I've also kissed him and hugged him, and fought beside him.
Oprah: I believe you Yuna, only I believe that this all happened while you were asleep. Dreams can come true, but not in the way you clam. Maybe "Tidus" is just a friend you cooked up to cope with the loss of your parents. Do you talk to "Tidus"?
Yuna: we talked all the time. Tidus taught me how to whistle through my fingers so I can call him whenever I was in trouble.
Oprah: Can you show us the whistle?
Yuna whistles.
Oprah: Are you sure Tidus taught you how to do that? Or maybe you learned it when you were young? Is it possible that your parents taught you that, and you just recently remembered.
Yuna: No! Tidus taught me! Why don't you believe me?
Oprah: Yuna, I want to believe you, we all do, but I have to ask where is Tidus?
Yuna: gone.
Oprah: what do you mean "gone"?
Yuna: He disappeared nearly a year ago.
Oprah: you mean like moved away?
Yuna: No, I mean he disappeared. He was human, but first a dream, and after our journey, he had to leave. The one dreaming about stopped.
Oprah: because you didn't need him anymore.
Yuna: no, I still need him. I wasn't the one dreaming of him.
Oprah: yes you were, Yuna, and it's time to face the facts, Tidus never really existed. He lives only in your dreams.
Yuna: He did actually exist. And I know he will be coming back. I'll make sure of it.
Oprah: Yuna honey, I'm not sure that's a good idea. You have to learn to distinguish between dream reality.
I think you should talk to your psychologist. He will help you come to terms with Tidus.
Yuna: there's no need for that.
Oprah: At least give him a try, o.k.?
Yuna (under her breath): when Tidus gets here, you'll see.
Oprah: Now our next guest…
Teenage boy 1: hay, take a look at this freak!
Teenage boy 2: Let's throw stuff at it!
Kimari: leave Kimari alone!
Teenage boy 1: whoah! It talks!
Kimari: leave Kimari alone!
Teenage boy 1: Hay, freak, say something else!
Kimari: leave Kimari alone!!
Teenage boy 2: Hay, I just totally hit him in the face!
Teenage boy 1: dude, good shot!
(teenager boy 2 is suddenly knocked down by a falling kid)
Teenage boy 1: dude? Let's get out of here.
Tidus: where am I? oh man, not again!
Kimari: next time kimari choose vacation.