The christening was so soon after she'd returned, and they'd all been so worried about Chummy through and since the birth, that Shelagh found herself there almost without knowing how she'd arrived, following Patrick and Timothy into the chapel as if it was someplace she'd never been.
The ceremony itself passed beautifully. It was only afterward, as the crowd broke and her former sisters, colleagues, and friends began to mingle that she became conscious of her own discomfort, and Patrick's.
After some awkward conversation and several minutes waiting behind Jenny, who seemed to be carrying on an interminable conversation with the Noakeses, Shelagh got her chance. She bade the couple, and Fred, a polite congratulations before managing to slip out to the hallway.
Patrick sidled up behind her as she examined the call board with some nostalgia. He fiddled crossly with his cigarette case.
"I almost wish I'd get called out," he sighed. "It's unbearable in there."
"How do you think I feel?" she tried to joke, but it weighed too heavy and her smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Let's go then. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, and I'm sure there's a better time to navigate our new relationship to Nonnatus House," he grumbled. "And I could use a cigarette."
She turned to him, slightly annoyed. "I don't know if you noticed, Patrick, but we're at a party. We can't leave just as it's starting."
"If we don't go soon, I think Sister Evangelina might kick us out herself," he groaned, only too late realizing what he'd implied. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean–I know they want you here, Shelagh, but me–"
"Sister Julienne won't look me in the eyes," she said, holding back tears. He reached for her, face softening into a look of concern, but she pulled away.
Neither noticed the light footsteps behind them until Nurse Miller landed on the creaky floorboard. She winced at having interrupted, but, swiftly assessing the situation, moved to place a hand on Shelagh's arm.
"It's Shelagh now, isn't it?" she asked, as she might a new mother in clinic, and Shelagh nodded, trying unsuccessfully to inhale the tears back into her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Nurse Miller–"
"Cynthia. You can call me Cynthia," she said, producing a handkerchief. "And I don't mean to be forward, but I hope you know you're always very welcome here at Nonnatus."
"Thank you, nurse, you're very kind," she replied almost emotionlessly.
"I'm afraid I came to tell you that Doctor's wanted at the surgery." At this, Patrick looked physically pained. "But if you'd rather I call–"
"You'd better go, Patrick," Shelagh pressed. "I'll make sure Timothy gets home safely." With a last long look at her, he hastened to the door. Having recovered from an emotional outburst larger and much more public than she'd allowed herself for some time, Shelagh now felt small and lost. The small voice by her ear nudged her alert.
"I wonder if you might help me in the kitchen?" Cynthia asked, hand still reassuringly at the back of her arm. "I actually have a book I've been meaning to lend you, I wanted your opinion…"
Later, as they cut slices of cake, and Sister Evangelina humored Timothy with answers to his questions, and Chummy pressed Freddy into her arms–"would you be a pal, Shelagh, just while I pop to the loo, you're always so marvelous with them at the clinic"–she still felt Trixie's sharp eyes boring into her, and Sister Monica Joan's wary gaze on her new clothes, but for fleeting moments she remembered that Nonnatus House was, and might still be, her home.