The REAL Story of the Vampire, the Faery & the Hippie

Once upon a time there was a Faery, a Hippie & a Vampire. These three were the best of friends but, unfortunately they all had the same problem, they all had big feet, except the Vampire cos everyone knows Vampires don't have feet.

So one day, to sort their feetical issues, they decided to go to a feet doctor called a pediatrician, so off they went singing & skipping down a road known as the funky blue road.

And so they began their journey, they came across funny looking gnomes with three heads & eleven toes, & then which was most frightening of all, the biggest most scariest of the crispy troll family of trolls named Crispy.

He lived under a bridge & wouldn't let them cross the bridge unless they gave him sexual favours, the Fairy exclaimed, "Never I'm much too delicate to do such a thing", & floated off up into the clouds to wait for the others. The Hippie who was all like "well if u don't let me cross I'll show u my armpits" & the Vampire said to him "How about I'll bite you if you don't let me cross". And so he let them pass.

So off they went continuing their journey when they came to the shining city of wardrobe in the wondrous land of spare 'Oom, there they knocked on the gate. No one answered. They knocked again & then a Billy Goat came out & yelled at them "What the freakin hell do you think you're doing don't you know we're in a door drought do you think doors just grow on trees or something????", "Well yes we did..." The Hippie replied.

The goat sighed and said "Well come in then & don't go knocking on everyone's doors." The Fairy then said "We are here to see the great pediatrician who can help us with our feetical issues", the goat said back, "Um don't you mean a Podiatrist?" The Fairy looked at the Hippie & said "Damn you Hippie can't you read?!", she replied "I'm a hippie I don't need to read as long as I've got my hairy body, my love, my fingers & my ice cubes I don't need anything."

And so the goat led them to a door & told them "Ok you can knock on this one but softly right!!" After knocking the door opened, they went in & saw a big foot & all said in unison "Oh mighty feetical podiatry master we are in need of you're assistance"

"Yeah I want my freakin feet damnit & if you don't gimme them I'll eat yours!" Said the Vampire.

'Now dear don't be hasty, sir we would like you to fix our feetical problems" said the Fairy

"Yeah man, I can't even feel the grass between my barefoot toes anymore" The Hippie whined.

The Vampire grumbled under breath, "at least you have toes".

The great foot master said in a cheery yet creepy voice, "Hello my children, yes I will do whatever you ask of me. But first of all you must join the liberal party!!! Vote for John Howard & I will do whatever you're feet desire!!"

Hippie said "Well you could give me a foot massage while you're at it too then"

The Vampire demanded "Well I have an even better deal how bout you give me feet & I don't suck you're blood."

Foot master squeaked; "Ok!" He threw the feet & ran behind the curtain & sat in the corner mumbling, "my blood my blood my blood…"

He then yelled in a shrill voice "what do you to want!"

The Fairy said in cute little voice, "I want smaller feet cos my feet are too big & they weigh me down so I can't float high enough in the clouds."

"And I want smaller feet so I can feel the grass on my bare feet aaaand I want an endless supply of foot massages to boot"

"You're wish is my command" and *POOF* two pairs of smaller re-attachable feet appear & a small Ethiopian maid who is very well fed & gets paid fairly & does not wish to quit for she is being treated well so the hippie doesn't have a shit bout bad working conditions…

And so they left, the vampire happily skipping along with a full tummy of blood (the goat decided to come back & annoy them & she was hungry) & 2 new feets, while the fairy & the hippie & the small Ethiopian woman skipped alongside her holding hands, but stopping at the electoral office to put in their ballot & fulfill their promise to the foot master & vote for John Howard, even the vampire did cos she was happy she got a feed & some feet!

The End