Zero: I was pleasantly surprised by all the positive response to my last Glee fic, thanks again to everybody who reviewed it.
I wrote this for a prompt at the Glee angst meme on live journal.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, blah blah blah.
Five Times Kurt Thought He Was Worthless
1. "Are you sure you're going to be okay, kid?"
"I'll be fine Dad. I'm in third grade, not kindergarten!" Kurt pushed his dads heavy hand off of his shoulder and straightened his bow tie one last time before hopping out of the truck.
"You ride the bus straight to the shop after school, you hear?" Burt said before his son could shut the door.
"I know, Dad!"
Kurt didn't wait for his Dad's truck to disappear beyond the corner before hitching his back pack across his shoulder and starting into the building. It was his first day of the third grade, his clothes were immaculate and Mindy from his piano lessons was going to be in the same class; this was going to be Kurt's best first day yet.
Halfway down the hall to his classroom (Kurt knew where it was from the teacher meet-and-greet that had happened the week before), Kurt's best first day ever took a turn for the worse. The feeling of wet hit him first, just on the cold side of room temperature and a bit too thick to be water. The words hit him second.
"Don't come near me, gay kid!"
There were three boys in front of Kurt and all of them were laughing. They didn't stick around long enough to get caught, but Kurt was still standing in the same place five minutes later when a teacher came and ushered him into the nurses office.
He was only eight, but everyone else already knew he was different. Kurt didn't know what he could do to fit in. As the nurse used a wet cloth to wipe semi-dried milk off of his skin, Kurt felt a little worthless.
2. The basement is kind of gross. It's covered in dust and smells like mold and the walls are this terrible swamp green that is patched and faded in different places. Kurt wanted it more than he had anything in a long time, and his dad had said he could have it as long as he worked hard to clean it up. It had been three days since Kurt had been given permission to go down there, and he'd spent every afternoon after school down there ever since.
His dad came down the stairs a couple of hours later to get him for dinner, and Kurt reluctantly followed him. The table had take out boxes on it from the Chinese place down the street from the shop. It wasn't the best but it was better than his dad trying to cook again. Kurt picked at his food while his dad dug in, he didn't feel like eating.
"How was school today?"
"Fine," Kurt didn't look up as he answered.
"Uh huh," Burt answered a bit skeptically. "Mindy coming over again this weekend?"
"No."
A few more minutes passed and Kurt could feel his dad watching him while he watched his food. Kurt forced himself to eat a few bites, chewing thoroughly and swallowing even though each bite made him feel a bit more nauseous.
"May I be excused?"
His dad sighed before answering, "Yeah go ahead."
Kurt rushed back down to the basement, but not even the overwhelming amount of work to be done could distract his brain from what it was thinking. Mindy wouldn't be coming over this weekend, or the next weekend after that or anytime ever.
Mindy who had been his friend since the summer before third grade and all through fourth grade didn't want to hang out with Kurt anymore. Mindy who Kurt cherished as a lifeline, his only friend, the only person who didn't care that he was different, didn't want to hang out with Kurt anymore.
Kurt picked up the rag he had been using to dust cobwebs off of the wall as Mindy's voice echoed in his brain, and the only word it was saying was 'fag.' Kurt couldn't even keep one friend, and it made him feel worthless.
3. The calendar above Kurt's brand new computer glared down at him. December 10th, the day of Kurt's first school dance. He was only in seventh grade so it wasn't like the high school dances where the kids came back after school all dressed up. Instead it was just for two hours, right after school, and everybody just wore what they had during the day unless they brought something to change into.
It was stupid. It shouldn't even really count as a dance. Kurt had listened to his classmates talk about it all week in home room while he sat by himself and sketched clothing designs onto a notepad. All the girls giggled as they talked about how they would do their hair that day, and some of the guys debated who they were going to ask to dance.
The preteen hormones that Kurt had been forced to experience secondhand were really quite disgusting.
Kurt got up from his computer and flopped onto his mattress. It was 4:30pm, the dance would be halfway over. As Kurt curled up and thought about how stupid the whole thing really was, he felt worthless. Because stupid or not it was the first dance for everyone else his age, and he wanted to go. But no one would have wanted to go with him.
4. Eighth grade was nearing its end, and that meant one less year to go before Kurt could get out of the one cow town that was Lima, Ohio. He would start high school the next year and the other kids would be so caught up in classes and clubs and sports that Kurt knew they probably wouldn't even have time to torment him.
The other kids probably wouldn't notice Kurt at all, they were good at that sometimes.
On the last day of Kurt's eighth grade year, the entire school was gathered together on the football field. The had thin, middle school year books and the entirety of the student buzzed around him as kids exchanged books to sign.
Kurt watched as Jacob Ben Israel begged Rachel Berry to sign his yearbook. It only took a few minutes for her to give in, and they exchanged their books. Kurt could tell even with the distance between them that Rachel was writing her name largely and drawing a star next to it. Her hand movements were large and looping, and Kurt watched as even Jacob Ben Israel got one signature to add.
The hard cover of the yearbook felt cold in Kurt's hands. No one approached him, not even to write a generic 'Have a good summer.'
Standing completely alone in a field of hundreds of people his age, Kurt clutched his yearbook so hard his fingers hurt and hoped that the pain would drown out the feeling of worthlessness.
5. Three days ago Kurt's dad took away his Navigator, and it was like Kurt's baby was being taken away from him. Kurt didn't focus on that too much though, because there was something else on the forefront of his mind. Mercedes, his dear Mercedes who had been Kurt's first friend since Mindy in the third grade, hadn't quite looked at Kurt the same since he had come out to her.
Kurt knew Mercedes accepted that he was gay, it wasn't hate he saw in her eyes when she would stare at him from across the hallway. It crossed Kurt's mind that Mercedes might have loved him, puppy love, but love none the less, and Kurt had completely crushed that.
Kurt's lost his baby, but every time his best friend looks at him he can see the hint of pain in her eyes and knows he caused that. The longing for his vehicle is nothing next to the feeling of worthlessness of knowing that he can't fix his best friend's broken heart.
One Time Kurt Was Actually Worthless
Kurt missed his mom. He missed his mom singing softly under her breath to the radio. She was always off tune, but that didn't matter. His mom had lit up when she was singing and Kurt had never seen anyone as pretty as his mom, especially when his mom was happy.
Kurt missed his mom tucking him in at night. Her hands were always cold when they brushed against his cheek and Kurt had always complained about it. He would do anything to feel her cold hands petting back his hair now, or brushing against his neck as they fixed his shirt collar. The cold wouldn't bother him and if he knew who to talk to, he would promise them that he wouldn't complain about it if they gave his mom back.
Kurt thought his dad probably missed his more. Sometimes his dad would forget to tuck Kurt in, and Kurt would sit up in his bed with the blankets folded back and his bedroom door open, just waiting. On those nights Kurt could hear his dad crying in his own room down the hall; it made Kurt cry too.
Kurt couldn't stop his dad from crying, sometimes he thought he might even make it worse. Kurt can't do anything at all, and he wished that his mom was still alive. Maybe if Kurt wasn't there then his mom could be instead. His dad might still cry, but his mom had always been really good at fixing stuff like that.
Sitting in his bed at night and hugging his pillow to his chest while his would listen to his dad cry, six year old Kurt knew he was worthless.
END