This Mess We're In – Chapter OneDisclamer: I do not own any of the characters feautured in this story. All Characters, and the books New Moon and Twighlight belong to Stephanie Meyers.
Authors Note: This is my first fan fiction - Please bare that in mind! Just so I'm clear, This story takes place during New Moon - Shortly after Jacob has 'changed' and is ignoring Bella. I've already written a few Chapters, So rating could speed up the appearence of the next Installment! ;).
This was unbelievable.
The one day I sum up enough courage to go and visit Jacob, my car breaks down. I let out a little squeak of defeat before whacking my head on the steering wheel. This was so unfair. It was as if some unknown force was telling me to let him ignore me, to leave him alone. How could I possibly do that, when Jacob was the only thing that made me think about Edward? The word Edward lingered in my brain for a while after I'd thought it. I could almost smell him, which was absurd, because he was a million miles away. He was a million miles away because he didn't want me. Had he ever wanted me? I doubted that. Some of the looks he'd given me before he told me, the way he'd spoken, everything seemed so carefully planned out. So real. I'd had so much time to think recently, so much time to analyze it. Now it was all becoming clear. What Edward and I had never meant anything to him, it was all a twisted joke. A figment of my imagination - I was so happy to have him, that I never stopped to think that he wasn't happy to have me.
I'd done it then. The pain in my lungs surged as the thoughts of him entered my head. I groaned, leaning back in my seat and closing my eyes as I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself. It brought no comfort, only dulled the longing and pain that surged through my veins. I tried desperately to keep myself composed, curled up in the front seat of my truck, but it didn't work. I could feel my throat closing up, I could barely breathe. How could he move on so swiftly with out me, yet without him, I could hardly function? Since he'd gone my entire life had fallen apart. Now, without Jacob gluing me together, it was happening all over again. Not that it had ever stopped - the pain had just been dulled...occasionally. I was gasping for air now, I needed something, anything that I could take comfort from. I peeled open my eyes, looking around the truck for anything that would suffice. Then I saw it.
The map that Jacob and I had planned out lay limply on my passenger seat. I was comforted somewhat by the memory. I remember that day so clearly, we'd sat by the rabbit with our soda's and carefully mapped out each point. I remember laughing that day - laughing seemed like a distant memory now. I stared at it for a while, confused at its presence. I could have sworn it was sitting in my room, discarded amongst the clothes and general junk that littered my floor, but there it was. At that point, I couldn't help but feel I was being watched. I shuddered with hope – could Edward be luring me to our special place? I sighed, looking out the window as the pain was dulled with anticipation and, again, curiosity. It was a long shot, but I felt lucky today. Or, at least I did until the truck broke down. Still, what was the worst thing that could happen if he wasn't there?
A pessimistic voice in my head told me 'a spiral back into depression', but I ignored it. I was already bad enough, and I was determined to not let my past get in the way of seeing Edward again. I bit my lip, the chances that he would be there were low, but this ray of hope pushed me forwards. I'd had little time for hope recently, and it felt good to know that a little part of me was still trudging on without Jacobs helpI grabbed the map, pausing for a second to look at it. The end result of my venture into the woods could be very good, or very bad. In fact, it could be the difference between life and death, especially with the mysterious wolves about. I shook my head. With Edward gone, things had calmed down a lot. Danger would be the last thing I attracted – however sometimes, in my own sick way, I missed that.
The hike was disastrous from start to finish. It was cold, and the grey sky released drizzle quite frequently. That was the worst part - not only was I cold and wet, but the ground began to get muddy. I fell over so many times I lost count, and despite the fact my ankle swelled up, I kept moving. I kept trudging on, letting my mind wander into deranged fantasys that Edward would be there, waiting for me. That he'd made a big mistake, and that he did love me. But by the time I limped to the meadow, I was muddy, cold, and Edwardless. It had started to get dark at this point, and to top it all, I began to cry. There was no-one there, nor were there animals. Only an unwelcoming silence and the cool night air. Who had I been kidding?
Defeated, I let myself collapse in a heap. I felt so alone, so hopeless. No-one wanted me, not Jake, not Edward. I'd lost all my friends at school for what, exactly? This lonely existence? I felt so morbid, and empty. Putting my hands over my face, I let everything out, and began to sob uncontrollably. I shook, letting the pain overwhelm me. Why, why had I let myself dream like that? Why couldn't I just listen to Jacob, and accept the fact that Edward was never coming back?
"You shouldn't cry" a distant voice said. I froze, praying that the sound was only my imagination – for I would recognize that voice anywhere.