Moon Angel here, I do not own Hp.

Enjoy!

Chapter One :

Can't live with my self..

Once again he was heading back to the place, that he thought as home. Sitting on the Hogwarts train, brought back so many memories. Like finding out the truth of how his parents died. Who had caused their death. Meeting Ron , Hermione, along with so many more. Now that the war was over and Tom was dead. Others were gone too because of Tom. In many ways that wasn't true he carried the weight of their deaths as well. There was always an "If" or "Only I" wish that he could of done something. It had been a year now . He had not been to his home for that long.

Had not seen or talked to anyone as well. It in all truth wasn't long enough. He didn't want to face them, not now or ever really. But if he didn't do it now then he never would. He had no idea how he would handle the great hall . Cause every time he closed his eyes "they" were there. Lined up side by side their breath for ever stilled by death. The sounds of their loved ones crying over them haunted his there was the memories of a dead man, they kept him up at night. Though they shouldn't not after a year. But still they came to him. He was tired of hiding, tired of being haunted by everything. Tried of feeling nothing but pain and guilt. It was a hollow existence that he could not stand anymore. He was a Gryffindor, a lion meaning he was brave, not a cowered. But for the past year he was nothing more then a ghost of his old self.

Looking away from the window and the passing country side, staring at his hands he watched as they shook slightly. Letting out a sigh of disgust, knowing he was no longer a proud lion. How was it that Tom hand never been able to break him down? Now that it was over he couldn't move past it all . How could he fall so low so fast with out seeing that he was until it was to late? No time to catch him self, just enough to see the bottom as he hit. Running his fingers though his hair, it didn't make him feel any better it was only a reminder that he hadn't got his hair cut like he meant too. Turning back to the window he watched as the sun disappeared from the sky, as the train pulled in to the train station.

The sounds of doors opening and closing as old and new students made their way out of their carts and off the train. He had half of a mind just to stay and go back to his hiding place away from everything, everyone. With another sigh of disgust at him self he stood and made his way off the train. He had missed all of the carriages which he didn't mind, it meant that he missed everyone. The gate was open still as if it knew he was coming. As he passed though them they slammed closed. He jumped gasping at the shrill sound, that sent a chill down his spine. There was definitely no way out now. That thought scared him more then himself a good mental shake, he walked though the large doors to the great hall of Hogwarts.

Meeting the closed doors of the great hall he could hear the sounds of the sorting of new students; the cheer of the older students as they got a new house member. Then it was soon over and he still stood in the hall way in front of the great hall. He took a deep breath as he as he pushed at the doors. He did not notice the quite that had taken over the great hall. Not till it was to late, like always. He stood there dressed in black school robes in the door way of the great hall. All heads turned to him in away that would suggest whiplash. But he could care less he was looking up at the head table staring at a man he thought vary much dead. Black eyes met his haunted green eyes. Two names said at the same time.

"Potter?"

"Snape?"

Then the whole hall erupted to life. As people said his name . But he didn't hear them. His mind was racing only thing getting though was he was alive. He hadn't died in my arms. That he was breathing not another one that would be forever stilled by death. Then he was shaken from his thoughts as he hit something hard, looking up make out the sky, the concert floor of the great hall was cold. He didn't know how he had hit the bottom again, but at least it had a great view, he thought. Then there was some one grabbing him and Snape came in view again. The older mans lips where moving saying something . But what ever it was he could not make out. Then he lifted a hand he saw it shake uncontrollably as he touched the older mans face.

"Your alive, I'm so sorry Snape. I'm not a lion anymore , I don't have it in me to be one either. I'm so sorry, I should have been there for you and I wasn't. No, better then him. I can't look in the mirror anymore because all I see is a killer looking back at me. So many forever stilled by death cause of my actions. It's good to know there is one less." with that said on what seemed like one long breath, everything went hazy, and then black like his.

The dream again the same one that he had for the past year. Bodies of friends and enemies lined up side by side, no one but them and the sound of their loved ones crying. Echoed in the hall then the other voice made it though all the crying. It was his but not his . Cold and taunting him, saying that he was the reason way they were dead. He used to run when he heard it, but it only made things worse. So now he would stand and listen to it. Just take it like the beating he used to get from his uncle. This was worse cause in his dream he couldn't close his eyes. Only sit there staring at them wishing for them to get up. The voice yelling at him above the cries telling it was his fault, always his fault.

There was something new happening though he could see it. Snape's body was moving getting up. Then he was there in front of him saying something. Over and over again. Gripping his robes, he clung to him trying to find the strength. "Its all my fault, all my fault. All my fault ,Snape." then though everything came another voice. "It's not your fault, Potter." the voice was the same as it used to be cold and indifferent."But it is my fault, that's what you don't understand. It's all my fault, no one else's." Harry yelled at Snape taking a deep breath he whispered "All mine."

"Potter." Snape watched as the teen looked away from him. "Harry, it's not you fault." said the older man but his voice had lost all of it's coldness along with the indifferentness. This change woke him up. "Snape?" Harry said as he opened his eyes, he was assaulted by the color white. He shut his eyes quickly, then let out a groan. He was in the infirmary and the school year had just started. Then he heard a voice say "Did you hear that?" in a soft female voice "Hear what?" said a more guff voice. Right away he new who it was Hermione and Ron.

He let his breathing go back to that of sleep. He didn't want to face them and all of their questions of worry, anger, pain and the hate he knew that would be there in their eyes. Nothing was said, just the sound of his even breathing. Then the silence was broken with "I could of sworn that I heard him say something then groan" by Hermione's soft voice, Harry could hear hushed worry in her voice. But the worry was there. He could hear it, the plea in her voice. "Well as you can see he's still out cold, just be glad he's not screaming any more." Ron said his voice deep, but not as harsh as he thought it would have been talking about him.

"Ron?" asked Hermione. "Hmmm, 'Mione?" said Ron as if he was deep in thought. "Where do you think he has been?" she asked her voice full of worry and wonder. "I don't know, 'Moine, I just don't know. He doesn't look so good, he's never been so skinny, even with the Dursley's." she gasped for air it seemed. "Or so pale or simply so... bad." she said her voice seemed to waver as if she was going to cry. "We have gone over this 'Mione. He looks like shit and that's all we know." Ron said voice full of something he couldn't figuer out. They both fell quite again and he just laid there not moving or talking. Just wishing they would leave. He was being a coward again, but he could care less right now.

His mind was still trying to wrap its self around the fact, that Snape was alive; breathing. He couldn't help but let out a sigh at that thought. Then he felt the familiar sting behind his eyes. He was not going to cry, he was not going to cry; he all but screamed in his head. Someone was suddenly there sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping away the tears that had escaped against his wish. The finger tips were gentle as it kept touching his face. Then they moved away from is face and in to his hair. Long fingers brushed and pulled back at his hair, nails scraping his head in all the right place. With out thought he lean in to the touch letting out a soft moan.

" Potter may I ask why you thought just leaving and breaking all ties were a good idea?" said the voice he had never thought to hear ever again, if only in his mind. He opened his eyes to only stare at the older man. Snape was there sitting next to him on the bed fingers running though his hair still. "Cause I couldn't face the truth .I can't even look in the mirror anymore. Let alone look in to some ones face and tell them that there family member died for a good reason. When the reason was I wasn't fast, wasn't smarter then a mad man." he said voice soft and shaking.

"Potter it's.." said the older man, but he cut him off before say anything more. "No Snape, its true... so true." the room was quite for a time nothing but the older man running his fingers though his hair. "Harry, it's not you fault. It never has been and it will never will be." Snape took a deep breath then whispered: "It rest on many peoples shoulders but your shoulders are not one of them.""You don't get it I should have been able to stop him sooner, they wouldn't have died if I had." Harry said as he struggled to sit up, only to be pushed back down in to the bed by Snape.

"Potter." Snape snapped his nostrils flaring as he tried to calm him self. "Harry, it sickens me to think what would have happened, if you had faced him when you were younger. Even more the fact that the wizarding world had to rest their fate on the shoulders of a seventeen year old. It is not you fault and I will get that though your thick skull if it is the last thing I do." Snape growled at him. " Now rest I'll check on you tomorrow." Harry watched as Snape, got up and turned to leave.

"Snape." he called quietly, the man looked back at him raising one eye brow "What, now Potter?" Snape couldn't help but smile at the tone and the all over look he was being given. Harry bit his lip and looked away from him. "Potter I don't have all day I have a school to run. So spit out what ever it is you think is worthy of my time." said the older man has he made his way back to the bed. Looking back up Harry smiled a little smile. "Thank you." the older man was looking down his nose at him " For what pray tell?" Snape asked as he tilted his head to the side. Nibbling at his lip Harry whispered "For everything, but mostly for being alive."