Unfamiliar Territory
AniAphrodite
Rating: PG13 for romance and a few naughty words
Category: Jake/Cassie Romance, Angst,
Spoilers: Book 41, VERY slight MM4 refrence; if you haven't read the book it doesn't matter, it won't give anything away.
Summery: Jake. Cassie. Romance. It's a Book #41 follow up story, my feelings on what happened after Jake made the call. But there's a lot more than just that.
Feedback: Would be lovely.
Archive: If ya want it ya can have it, just drop me a note.
Disclaimer: Jake, Cassie, Rachel, Tobias, Marco, Ax and any other tangentially mentioned characters created by K.A. Applegate remain her copyrighted property, and the property of Scholastic Inc. The author believes that the use of copyrighted characters in the forum known as "Fan
Fiction" is protected under the "Fair Use" statutes of US Copyright law. No infringement of any copyright is intended.
Authors Note: I am placing book 41 four years since the Animorphs started. They've been out for four years, and I think that's about how old they are. As evidence, I point out that Jake said the future him was about ten years older and had been out of collage for a few years. If you figure the average person goes to collage for four years, that would make him at least 22 and then add three or four years (2 is a couple, 3 or more is a few) which would make him 25 or older - 10 and you get 15 or 16. The books say they were in middle school when the whole thing started, so I'm guessing 12-16, that's four years. I'm using four for the variable number because they've been published for four years. If this bothers you, don't let it deter you from reading the story, just change "four years" to "four months" or "four weeks" or "four minutes" and just disregard all the complicated math I just did. (Speaking of which, do you have any Advil? Math gives me a frightful headache.)
// \\ indicates thought speak.
Now that all that gunk is over, let's get on with the show!!
~*~*~
I grabbed for the phone. I dialed the number. Pounded the keypads. My body ached in muscles I didn't know I had.
Brrrrrrr-ing.
Come on. Pick up.
Brrrrrrr-ing.
Answer!
I wanted to hear a girl's voice. Deep and young. Cheerful and wise.
My heart pounded.
Brr..."Hello"
Time stopped.
Everything got extremely quiet. Except for the pounding of my heart.
I knew now. I'd made a choice. I knew what I was made of. My limitations and priorities.
"It's Jake," I said.
No response.
It's Jake," I said again, voice quaking like I'd never talked to her before. As if this were the first call I'd ever made. The only call that mattered.
"Cassie, I just wanted to ask what I should have asked you yesterday. Are you okay?"
A long pause. I heard Cassie draw a tremulous breath, then...
CLICK.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
She had hung up on me.
Cassie had hung up on me.
I stared in shock at the phone in my hand for what must have been a minute. In fact, it was a minute, because I got that stupid recording, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again," accompanied by a very loud HMMM HMMM HMMM HMMM. I all but slammed down the receiver in frustration. I ran my hands through my hair as I stared at the phone trying to decide what I should do. That phone call was supposed to make it all better.
Before I even thought about it, I threw on some clothes over my morphing suit and rushed down the stairs. And nearly fell into Mom and Dad who were waiting at the bottom of the stairs with their arms crossed over their chests.
Uh oh. Not good.
"He's not dead," my father said conversationally.
"No," Mom answered, "but he will be."
"I think that's against the law. Besides, if we kill him, who's gonna mow the laws and pull the weeds?"
"And clean the bathroom and the kitchen," my mom added, "I see your point."
I shifted impatiently from foot to foot. The desire to talk to Cassie was overwhelming. The need I had to talk to her, see her, touch her was so real it was like a physical pain. But from the looks on my parents faces, I realized I was going nowhere quickly.
"Jake, where were you last night?" my mother asked in a low tone.
"Marco's. Just watchin' the game. I had permission and everything."
My father held up a silencing hand, "I am going to ask you once more. I would suggest you be honest this time, Jacob, because the answer will spell either social life or death for you. Where. Were. You. Last. Night."
They knew. Alright, Jake, just play it cool. Partial honesty is the trick. "Marco and I decided to go to the mall. You know, hang out. Than we went just left and biked around."
"Your brother said you came in last night at 11:30, barefoot and in a spandex top and bike shorts. What in God's name were you doing last night?"
"Just hangin' out! I said defensively. "Marco spilled soda down my clothes, so I left them at his house."
"Do you know how worried we've been? Do you know how it felt to get a call at 9:30 last night from Marco's step-mom asking us to send Marco back home? Do you know what it was like waiting up for you until 11:00 and still not having you home?" my mother said.
"This was incredibly irresponsible of you, Jake." Dad said quietly. "I'm very disappointed in you."
"Why didn't you call?" Mom asked, "I don't have a problem with you going places, you know I don't, but if you tell me you're going to be someplace, you had better be there until I get a call saying otherwise."
"Plus, you were out after 11:00. Your curfew is ten, and you know it. You're grounded Jake, and you have all of the work I laid out for you at the beginning of this chat to do."
Noooooo! I needed to see Cassie. "You guys, please! I already made plans! I really need to go."
"You should have thought about that before you disobeyed,"
Where do parents learn this stuff? Do they send home a book of parental cliches along with the diapers and powder? "Mom, dad, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have been out that late and I know it. Forgive me?"
My parents looked at each other. "Yes," my mother said slowly, "but you're still grounded."
"Aw Mom! I promised them! Come on, I'll do extra chores and everything. I promise I won't do it again. I just have to go!" I was not exaggerating. I had to go.
"It wouldn't hurt to let the boy go out," my dad said softly, "If he's going to do all those chores, we shouldn't double punish him. This doesn't happen very often. If it did it'd be different." He said with a very pointed glance at me.
My mom thought it over. "Fine. But I want those chores done. And I mean it!"
"Great," I said; relieved. "Bye Mom, Dad." I ran down the stairs and out the door before they could change their minds. I grabbed my bike and raced to Cassie's house.
It's a pretty long bike ride to her house. Cassie lives as close to the sticks as you can get in our suburban town. It's usually a good thirty or forty minute ride.
I got there in fifteen minutes.
I rode my bike into her barn, expecting to see her in there. Sunday's are her work days, and she's usually in the barn for a good part of it. Not that she doesn't spend a good part of each day in the barn. She's an amazing person, my Cassie. She wasn't there.
I left my bike in the barn and walked to her house. Well...fine. I was hoping for someplace more secluded than her house but it wasn't hard to walk someplace. Or fly, for that matter.
With every step I took, my heart rate increased. By the time I reached her door, it was pounding out of my cheats. I knocked. The door was slowly opened by her mother. The minute she saw me, she gave me an icy glare.
"Can, uh, Cassie, you know, come out and stuff?" Real smooth Jake. Cassie's mom interrupted me, saving me from more humiliation. Or so I thought.
"She doesn't want to see you," she said coldly, "I'll see you later Jake." she began to shut the door. Right before she shut it, she stopped. "Whatever you did hurt her real bad. You should be ashamed."
I was. Oh God, I've never felt guiltier in my life. I just wanted to burst out crying. It was too much! Too much. I felt like Atlas; my shoulders sagging under the weight of the world. It was times like these that I turned to Cassie. But now I couldn't.
I went back into the barn and prepared to ride off. But I couldn't. I had to talk to her. I had to. I stripped off my outer clothing and hid it in a stall. I morphed to falcon, and sped out of the barn to Cassie's bedroom window.
I guess luck was finally with me, because she was sitting on her bed reading. Tears glistened in her eyes. Seeing her like that, knowing that I caused her pain, was like a knife in my heart. A lump built up in my throat, which was weird because I was a bird. It was more of a mental lump than a physical one.
I landed on her window sill. //Cassie!\\
She jumped and lifted her head to the window. "Go away." she said softly. Angrily.
//Cassie, come on. I need to talk to you.\\
"What, now you want to talk? Is now a good time? I'm so happy for you."
She was angry. I mean, she was really, really angry. Cassie never is sarcastic. Of course, she hardly ever is angry either.
//Cassie...look. I'm sorry.\\
Silence.
//I shouldn't have left you. I was wrong.\\
Silence.
//Forgive me?\\
Silence.
//Cassie. I'm sorry. I was horribly inexcusably wrong. Will you please talk to me?\\
Cassie began tapping her right index finger. Cassie has to be the most patient person I know. I mean, she'll try for hours to get raccoon to take a pill and she won't raise her voice or get upset. But on the very rare occasions that she does begin to get impatient, she will inadvertently tap her right index finger. I don't know why, and she sure doesn't. She doesn't even know she's doing it. It's like subconscious or something.
I was beginning to get impatient, too. Here I am saying I'm sorry and asking her to forgive me and generally doing the right thing and she won't even talk to me.
//Fine. You know what Cassie? I said I was sorry. I said I was wrong. And if you can't even talk to me, there's nothing I can do. It's not like I didn't have a lot of problems last night. It's not like I don't have a lot of responsibility. Okay? So I'm sorry. You know I am. But there's nothing more I can do. I'll see you this afternoon. Okay?\\
"This afternoon?"
//Yeah. We have to decide whether we're going to scrape the mission or whether it's worth the time and effort. Your barn, 4:00\\ I shuffled my feathers and prepared for my departure.
Cassie's whole tough-shit attitude changed. She looked so vulnerable that I regretted my harsh words moments before. She was about to say something about us not being allowed to use her barn-don't ask me how I know she was, just take my word for it. I can't explain it, but there are times when I can all but read her mind. Her mouth even opened to say the words, but she shut it and sighed. She glared at me, and I was struck by the fact that her eyes and face didn't match. Her face was pulled into an angry scowl, but her eyes had tears in them. But it wasn't just that, there was something else, something about her eyes...
After I demorphed, I slowly rode home. Her face wouldn't leave my mind. As I peddled home, I tried to think of something-anything-other than her haunted face, but it rose unbidden to mind. I've leaned a lot from Cassie about people's hidden feelings and people's hidden motives, but I'm still not very good about discerning what isn't on the surface. And now when I need her talents the most, I don't have them. Cassie completes me. Cassie makes me whole. I need her, just as much as I need myself.
But even with my limited talents, I could see that something was wrong. Could it be that her anger was just a cover up? She was holding me back, her anger keeping me away...could it be that the whole reason she acted like that-emphasis on ACT-was because I had hurt her so much she needed to keep me away so I wouldn't hurt her again. Oh God, would this agony ever stop?
I couldn't believe that one thoughtless act could have such a drastic consequences. I could have just ruined Cassie and my relationship just because I was so damned thoughtless! But it was more than that. If I was right, Future Cassie's whole thoughtless, ruthless, horrible attitude started this night. It started with me not caring enough, with me putting the mission before the person.
I needed to tell her that I loved her. I needed to reassure her that I would never leave her again. I started to turn my bike around, to head back to her house, but I stopped. I better give her some time. I'd talk to her after the meeting was over.
*~*~*~
By four-thirteen we were all assembled in Cassie's barn. I looked around at the team-my friends-and took in their different emotions. Marco and Rachel were obviously still mad at each other; they were sitting as far away from each other as they could possibly get. Cassie was sitting stonily on a hay bale somewhat seperated from the rest of the group. Tobias was up in his rafter as usual and, as always, his emotions were impossible to discern. His fierce gaze gave nothing away. Ax appeared to be the calmest of us all. He stood, patiently waiting for the meeting to begin.
I debated whether to share with them what had happened to me. I had decided sometime around three that what had happened to me was not a dream, but rather a reality. The Elimist and Cryak were certainly powerful enough to pull of something of that scale and grandeur, but they didn't orchestrate it, that I knew. Could it be that power greater than theirs that the Elimist had spoken of? Perhaps. But it had happened, that was the important part. I decided that I wanted to talk to Ax and Cassie before sharing.
"What are we going to do about the new entrance?" I asked. "Do we scrap the mission? Or are we going to go back?"
"Why? So we can try and kill off two more of us?" Cassie asked bitterly.
There was an uncomfortable silence. "I don't think so," Marco said finally, "Really, what will destroying this entrance do? Nothing. They'll just make another one, and this time under enough security that we won't get tipped off by Erek. Maybe in the long run this is a good thing. We could get up some heavy duty surveillance."
"Yeah, that's just like you, Marco. You cowardly little...we should move in and hit them hard and quick. Cause some damage, move onto the offensive instead of always being the defender!"
"It's a question of worth. How much are our lives worth? How much do we sacrifice? Till two of us are dead? Three? Or until only two of us are left?" Cassie said with a pointed glance at me. I felt my face flush unwillingly. I looked at the ground.
"Cassie's right, sort of," Marco said, "How much do we risk? It could have easily gone another way. Rachel and I could have died back there. We came close. Way close. Not that I blame you, bud..."
"Of course not." Cassie interrupted. "Our great and wonderful leader made the only decision he could," she said sarcastically.
Again, silence. "Um, like I was saying, you made the only decision you..." Marco's voice trailed of to an embarrassed silence. "Hey, I told you to close that door. So if anyone's to blame, it's me. Let's just leave it at that,"
"We risk it all!" Rachel said. "Do you want to loose? I guarantee that we will if we don't hit 'em with everything we've got. We've got to keep it up! We've got to destroy those slugs."
"What happens when we slip up, huh Rachel? Hard to fight the Yeerks when we're all dead."
//Rachel's right.\\ Tobias said.
"Must be psychic," Marco said, "I just knew he was going to say that."
Tobias fixed his fierce gaze on Marco. //It makes strategic sense. We stop them up enough, they'll start to fall back. Maybe even think Earth's not worth the trouble.\\
//I concur with Tobias' assumption. The Yeerks are evil, but intelligent. If they feel that the possible loss is more than the possible gain, they will not risk the loss.\\ Ax said.
"Yes!" Rachel shouted. "Exactly. Let's show them who's the best!"
"Haven't got over loosing the two-square championship in 6th grade yet, have you." Marco muttered.
"Let's put it to a vote." I said. All in favor of going?" Ax and Rachel nodded, Tobias just looked at me hard.
"You're the tie breaker again," Marco said, "lucky you."
I looked down. Go or stay. Both had their advantages, both had their disadvantages. I looked around the room at everyone's faces and tried to make eye contact with each of them. Cassie avoided me completely. "We're staying. It's almost a given that they've raised security," I saw Marco nod his head, "and it's not worth the risk. And Marco's right, this could be a golden oppertunity identify controllers. But Rachel, Tobias and Ax are right in the sense that we need to make taking earth as hard as possible. I think we should stake out the entrance-"
"I'm not going."
I looked at Cassie. "What?"
She scowled at me. "I'm not going. I'm not going to watch you kill off my friends."
Okay, that's it. "Cassie?" I said sternly, angrily. "Walk with me." I stood up and walked out of the barn without looking back. There was a second of silence, and then I heard Cassie stand up and walk after me. I was mildly surprised. It must have been the tone of my voice. I can't think of any other reason that she'd do what I told her to without a fight.
We walked a reasonable distance from her house, down a hill and towards a stream that lay at the bottom. I stopped suddenly and Cassie nearly plowed into me. I used the closeness of our proximity to my advantage. I got right in her face and with a raised voice said, "Don't ever do that again. Do not undercut my authority in front of everyone. Do not embarrass me like that again. You have a problem with me or my style, you come talk to me privately. You were out of line."
Cassie face contorted in rage and sadness. "So I just follow what mighty Prince Jake has to say, is that it? I just meekly do whatever you tell me to do?"
"You made me the leader!" I yelled. "I didn't ask for this! You pushed it on me! Being the leader doesn't just mean I make the big decisions in battle or shoulder all of the responsibility. I keep this group of people together! And to do that I have to have cooperation. Everyone has to do their part. I don't want you to blindly follow me or never raise concerns, but you can do that without embarrassing me or undercutting my authority."
Cassie opened her mouth to speak but I just ran on. "You have problems with me, fine. You hate me, fine. You don't bring our personal problems to the meetings and you sure as hell don't bring them on the battlefield. As much as you hate to admit it, we're fighting a war here. Yes, we're going to kill people. Many, many people are going to die at our hands. It's inevitable. We didn't ask the Yeerks to come here and enslave us. And as horrible and disgusting it is, the alternative is worse. It's wrong to kill, but it would be even more wrong to just sit back and let earth be taken over. In this case we have to go with the lesser of the two evils."
Somewhere in my tirade Cassie burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and she pressed herself against me and held me tightly as tears ran down her cheeks and sobs racked her body. She was shaking.
"Cassie," I murmured. Before I knew it I started crying too, the tensions of four years, the guilt I had felt during my ordeal in the future, pouring out in a waterfall of tears. We pulled tighter against each other, drawing strength from each other. We collapsed into the grass in a tangle of arms and legs. I don't know how long we laid there, holding each other, crying. When the tears stopped flowing, when the sobs quit coming we just laid there next to each other enjoying the feel being wrapped up in each others arms.
"I didn't mean it, you know." Cassie said. "Don't get me wrong, I was mad. I was real mad. But I still...I mean I still care about you, okay?"
I looked at her tenderly. "Me too. I could never not. You know. I...I just..." I love you. How could those three words be so hard to say? Was I even ready to say them? I mean, love is a big word. It encompasses so much. And how could I know if I was in love with her when we were so young? But when I looked at her laying in my arms, I was filled with such emotion. I knew, knew like I knew the sky was blue, that I loved her. It was a more powerful emotion than I'd ever felt before.
"Cassie, you complete me. It's like I'm half a person without you. I need you so badly. It terrifies me, you know? How much I need you. Life wouldn't be worth living without you. I would rather die, I would rather we lost to the Yeerks and earth was destroyed than to live on a perfect planet without you. I know that for sure now. I'm not going into why, that can wait till later. But you need to know how much I...how much...Cassie...I love you." There. I said it. I looked down, afraid to see her reaction. When I looked up I was staring into her beautiful brown-black eyes. Those deep pools of wisdom. I felt myself pulled in. I was drowning in her eyes and I couldn't look away.
"I love you too." she said solemnly. Softly. She snuggled up closer to me and rested her forehead against mine. My eyes drifted downward to her lips that were just centimeters away from mine. Impulsively, I leaned forward to kiss them gently. Cassie pulled back, and I instantly regretted the decision. I should have known not to move so fast, I should have given her time...and then Cassie smiled faintly and leaned forward so once more our lips were touching.
The kiss was slow and gentle. It was different from the other kisses we had shared in the past. It wasn't desperate or scared. It was calm. Loving. Peaceful. The kiss broke and instead of traditionally pulling apart, we pressed our lips together again. And again. I couldn't get enough of her soft, full, moist lips. I never wanted to stop this agonizingly wonderful slow dance our lips were dancing. They took on a life of they're own moving, touching, playing. It was like we had always done this, were meant to do this. Her lips were familiar, yet unfamiliar. I knew them, but there was a secret I was unlocking. The kiss became fuller. It deepened until we were pressed against each other, locked into something I could not willingly stop. I ever so gently ran my tongue across her lips and her mouth opened up and I was thrown into something so wonderful it was unimaginable.
Cassie pulled back an immeasurable amount of time later and buried her head in my shoulder. I felt moisture on my sleeve and asked concerned, "What's wrong?"
Cassie pulled back a bit and wiped the tears away. "Oh Jake," she murmured, "What did I do to deserve you?"
"Piss off someone in your former life?" I suggested.
She giggled and then outright laughed. She grew solemn and pulled back further and caressed my cheek with the back of her hand. "I must have done something really awesome. I must have been the best person since Jesus."
My own eyes welled up and I kissed the palm of her hand. I shifted until I was facing the sky and Cassie did the same. She clasped my hand as we stared at the sky, thinking about the recent revelations we had both recieved. We stayed like that, arms, hands and fingers entwined, staring silently at the beautiful sky lost in our own thoughts, until the sun had fully set.
*~*~*
Cassie wasn't on the bus this morning, which usually means she woke up late and had to be driven to school. Cassie is definatly not a morning person. The minute the bus hit the curb I was off and running towerds school. That's definantly an unusual thing (I'm usually running AWAY from school) but I really wanted to catch Cassie before the day started.
My eyes scaned the crowds of students for a few moments until I saw her. She was walking to the side entrence near her first class was. I hurried to catch up with her. She turned around when she heard me, and her face broke into a wide smile.
"What's up?" she asked.
"I, um," I was really nervous. Would she like them? "I know your birthday is on Sunday so I got you these." I said, thrusting the two envelopes at her viciously.
Cassie looked startled,(I don't blame her) and she took them from my hands and opended them up. "Oh!" she squeled. "Oh!" and she threw them down and jumped into my arms and before I knew it she kissing me quiet soundly on the lips. She pulled back a few minutes later with an embarassed glace at the many other students and teachers who were watching us curiously.
"So you like them?" I asked.
"Like them? I love Sarah McLaughlan. She has to be my favorite singer of all time! I wanted to go to the concert so bad, but..." she looked at me curiously, "how in the world did you afford these?"
"I had some money saved up," I said casually. "Plus, unfortunatly, the only tickets available monday were in the nosebleed section." I watched Cassie for any sign of disapointment. Bless her, she was still as cheery as anything. "But as a bonus, I hired a limo."
"You didn't," Cassie breathed. She looked ready to jump in my arms again (not that I would have minded of course) but controled herself. She flashed me a 100 watt smile and curled her fingers into mine. "Walk me to class," she commanded, and we both started laughing.
"Your wish is my command, my Queen." I laughed.
Why did I give her those tickets in front of everyone? I guess I just wanted to show her off. I wanted everyone to know that such a beautifull, intelligent girl liked, LOVED me. That such a great girl chose to be with me over all the other guys in the school. Even though we've gone to a couple dances together, no one really knows we're an item. We've never been a big supporter of PDA.
School was...intreasting. I had a hard time concentrating, but than I always do. It was the way the girls kept glancing at me and they guys kept congragulating me. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it seemed like whispers followed me down the hall.
I walked into the luchroom and saw Rachel and Marco waving frantically for me to come sit down next to them. Cassie was sitting there, too. I slid into a seat next to her and gave her a smile. Rachel watched us critically, than exclaimed, "I heard the wierdest story today. Someone, I don't remember who, said that Cassie and Jake liked each other. Like as in LIKE!" Cassie smacked her, and Rachel grinned unmercifully.
"My personal favorite," Marco remarked, "was the one about how they were MAKING OUT in front of the school." He grinned, and he and Rachel folded their arms over their chests and looked at us expectantly.
"It was just a little kiss," Cassie mumbled.
"A kiss? And I wasn't there? You guys, really. So what brought on this little Public Display of Affection?"
"I bought tickets for the Sarah McLaughlan concert," I said confidently. Marco and Rachel looked at each other and grinned.
"A date! A real date!" Rachel exclaimed.
Marco pretended to wipe a tear out of his eye. "I'm so proud," he said in a chocked voice. "I never expected you two to come together on your own." He turned and pretended to cry on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel good-naturdly shrugged him off.
"So when's TBD. You know, The Big Date," Rachel asked, giggling.
"Sunday night," I replied.
Rachel put her head in her hands and moaned. "That is so not enough time to get Cassie ready! I need at least a few days, we have to go shopping and Cassie needs a hair cut..." and Rachel was off and running while Cassie sat there with a look of horror on her face.
~*~*~
I've been really worried about Cassie. There's been something wrong with her since Thursday. She's been more, I don't know, withdrawn. She acts normal, but her eyes are sad. I don't think she realizes how much she gives away in those beautiful dark brown eyes. With Cassie that old saying, 'The Eyes are the window to the soul,' is 100% true.
I decided to go talk to her on Saturday morning. I parked my bike in her barn and walked to her house. She was siting on her porch like she was expecting me. She jumped up when she saw me and ran over.
"Hey, Jake," she said, "What's up?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you," I said seriously. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," she said, avoiding eye contact.
"Uh huh. How are you really?"
She looked up and smiled. "Jake! You saw below the surface!"
"Four years of putting up with you hasn't been for nothing, you know." Cassie smacked my arm, "and you are avoiding the issue."
Cassie sighed. "I've just been really upset. I don't know. I've just been so depressed lately, and this isn't really something I can talk to anyone about."
I saw Cassie's mother give her us a quick look outside her window so I clasped Cassie's hand and led her down the hill to the spot relativly where we were last Sunday.
"Tell me," I said.
Cassie looked at the ground and played with a blade of grass. "What happend last week has been going round and round in my head and won't stop. I mean, I daydream about it at school and have nightmares at night. How can I do this? How can I kill at night and than save lives during the day? I killed four or five Hork Bajir. I ended at least eight lives. Stopped at least eight existences. But that's nothing," her voice chocked and tears began to fall, "nothing compared to the countless numbers of others I've killed. I'm so evil," she wisperd.
"Cassie..." my first thought was to tell her not to think about it, but I decided against it. That would change who Cassie was. Cassie needed to think about these things, she needed to feel, she needed to mourn for the people we were destroying. The day Cassie ceases to care is the day, in my mind, the Yeerks win. And Cassie knows it too. She quit, after all, when she realized she didn't have any feelings about killing anymore. I don't think any of us understood her than, but after seeing what she was like in the future, I now understand.
When I think about what Cassie goes through, my heart just breaks. Cassie has to be the strongest person on the earth. I'm not exagerating. Going into battle takes it's toll on all of us, and all of us feel the pain and the emotion that comes with killing, but it's differant. All of us, excluding Cassie, let ourselves forget. We allow ourselves to become hardened, more than than, we welcome it. We welcome not feeling the pain and guilt. And after awhile we became more imune to the affects of the war. But Cassie won't let herself that relief. She is fighting an internal war against both her own desire to forget and not feel, and against her mind's natural process of building up mental blocks. She destroys these blocks to let herself feel the pain.
This alone would destroy people less strong than Cassie, but it isn't all she does. It is undeniably easier to kill when the target is believed to be pure evil. So we have all adapted that mindset. Yeerks=Evil. Except for Cassie. She won't let her consider the Yeerks pure evil. She strains to be empathetic, for God's sake! She tries to put herself in their place, she tries to get inside their mindset. She wants to understand the joy for them to be able to hear, to see. And so Cassie is sypathetic. It doesn't mean she thinks what they're doing is right, not by a long shot. But she see's both sides, she understands. And so killing one of them is ten times harder than it is for us.
I was at a loss for what to do. I didn't know what the right thing to say was, or if there evan was a right thing. So I gathered her up in my arms and kissed her brow and waited for the tears to subside.
After a few minutes, Casssie stopped crying and looked up at me. "You're a great person, you know that? Thank you so much for being here for me. Thank you for listening to me."
I smiled down at her. "I love you." I said simply. We laid down in the tall grass and curled up next to each other. We didn't say anything for a long time, just laid there, looking at each other, thinking. Cassies lids began to drop and her breathing became steadier. "Stay...with...me," she murmered, and a few minutes later she was fast asleep in my arms.
I stayed, looking at her beautiful sleeping face, and thinking. Thinking about her, school, the Yeerks, my family, everything. About two hours later she woke up. "Jake?" she mumbled. Suddenly she sat straight up. "Where am I?" She asked nervously.
"Shhh," as I eased her back down. "You fell asleep, remember? You're okay."
She snuggled closser. "How long have I been asleep?" she asked.
"Two hours, I'd guess," I answerd.
"Two hours?" Her eyes popped open in surprise. "You stayed with me all that time?"
"Course. But unfortunatly," I said, sitting up, "I have to get home. I have a lot of chores that need to get done."
Cassie looked disapointed. "Can I come?" she asked.
I laughed. "You want to come help me clean the kitchen?" I asked
"It'll pay you back for all the times you help me muck out the barn."
"Well, sure. How are you going to get there? I brought my bike. We can't double up on it. You'd have to practically sit in my lap."
"And that's a bad thing?" Cassie asked, looking hurt.
"Well...no."
Cassie and I spent the rest of the day together, pushing aside thoughts of evil and violence and indesiscion, just focusing on being with one another.
~*~*~*
All day Sunday I was a nervous wreck. I provided my family endless amusement, I'm sure. I ran around my house like an idiot. I called the limo service three times, untill the secretary said, "Kid, if the limo's still not there ten minutes after it's supposed to be, I gurentee you we'll send another one, no charge." I thanked her and went back to worrying about my hair, clothes, ect. ect. Cut me some slack. This was my first 'official' date with Cassie without the security of the group with us. It was just us. Alone. In the city. For dinner and then a concert.
I was at her door at five o' clock. I gave myself a once-over. I was wearing clothes that were an upgrade from my normal jeans and a tee-shirt, a pair of black slacks and a beige shirt. My hair was combed and I smelled of cologne.
Cassie's mom answerd the door. She smiled widly when she saw me. "Hey, Jake. Cassie's not quite ready yet, and I think John wants to talk to you. He's in the living room; you can go right in."
I thanked her and steped into the living room. I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me. Cassie's dad was sitting on the couch holding a humungous gun with these bullets the size of my fist laying next to him. "Jake, come over here a minute," he said, then inclined his head to an empty chair in front of him. I walked over and sat stifly.
John grabbed a cloth from behind him and began cleaning out the shafts and barrels of the gun. We sat in silence; he cleaned the gun, I sat and stared. After a few moments of silence he asked, "Is something wrong, Jake?"
"Nice gun." I said.
"It is, isn't it. It's designed to be a tranqualizer for larger animals. It could take down an elephant or rhinocoross." He picked up the gun and expertly inserted the bullets and cocked the gun. He pointed it around the room, then rested it on the sofa next to him.
"Very powerful gun," he said reflectivly. "It would kill a grown man. What would it do a young boy-such as yourself- I wonder?"
I gulped.
John leaned down closer to me and said very slowly and carefully, "Touch my daughter and die." Then he sat up and slapped his knees like we were having a normal conversation. Thankfully I was spared further embarassment when Aisha stuck her head in the door.
"She's ready to go," she said, and I jumped up and followed her out the door.
Cassie was almost down the stairs when came in. My breath caught in my throat when I saw her. She was beautiful. She was wearing a dark green velvet dress that was tight in all the right places. It had a generous v-neck neckline and the skirt flared slighty below her hips. It stopped a few inches above her knees. She was wearing dark red lipstick and her short hair was curled. Tredrils hung around her gorgous face. She was wearing these black shoes with a good three inch heel and a strap. She tripped slightly when she was walking down the stairs. Her legs...wow. She had great legs. The were long and slender, well muscled.
I noticed her dad noticing that I was noticing his daughter. I quickly averted my gaze to her face and gave her a slow smile. She smiled back and mirth danced across her face.
Her mom and dad kissed her goodbye and told us sternly to be home by midnight. She clasped my hand as we left the house and she excitedly bounced as we walked towerds the limo waiting out in front. The driver opened the door for us and we got inside. I looked over at her once we were seated.
"I love that dress. I supose it would be a little difficult to wear it to school."
Cassie laughed. "Just a little. Although," she said slyly, "givin what you keep trying not to stare at, I could wear that pair of shorts Rachel bought me."
"Remind me to buy that girl an island or somthing, kay?"
Cassie giggled. "I'm sorry about my dad," she said. "There was nothing I could do. He's been planing that even before my mom and dad were married. It's not my fault."
"You could have warned me or something," I pointed out.
"And spoil all the fun? Not a chance." she leaned over and kised my cheek lightly.
I smiled and pulled her close. "I made reservations at Buchero's," I told her. Bunchero's is one of the most fancy Itallian restraunts in the city. Instead of being thrilled like I had expected, Cassie's face fell slighly.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Jake, don't think I don't appreciate this, I do, but, um...I can't afford Bumchero's." she whisperd, embarassed.
"Your not supposed to!" I exclaimed, "It's my treat."
"Jake," she protested, "You've already spent so much. The limo, the concert-"
"And dinner," I interupted. "I decided I wanted to do this for you. With all the bad stuff that goes on, you deserve a little fun."
"A little," she mutterd under her breath. She looked up and kissed me again, this time full on the lips. "Ummm," she murmurd low in her throat.
I smiled and kissed her lightly again. This was going to be a great evening.
*~*~*
We arrived back at her home at about 11:45 after a great evening. The concert was great. It's not really my type of music, but seeing the look of rapture on Cassie's face made everything perfect. Heck, I would have sat through Barney In Concert just to see that look on her face.
Cassie looked at her house, then at her watch, then back at her house, and finally at me. "I had a wonderfull time, Jake. Thank you so much."
I smiled slowly and she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me thouroughly. We broke apart and she leaned forward again. "Do you think we should go inside?" I interupted. She ponderd that for a moment, her lips centimeters away from mine. I gulped. It took every inch of self control not to lean forward and press my lips to hers.
"It's probably the right thing to do," she said, "but they did say midnight. We have 15 minutes to kill." And then she closed the distance between us and our lips touched once more.
Cassie made a sound of pleasure low in her throat and pulled closer to me. Her hands ran through the hair at the base of my neck while my hands wrapped around her waist. Her tounge lightly carressed my lip and my mouth opened up in response. Our kiss became less gentle, more rough, as we plunged into the depths of each other's mouth.
.Cassie pulled back and glanced at her watch. "Damn," she swore under her breath. To me she added, "If you ever want to do this again, we have to stop. If I don't get up there in the next three minutes I'll be grounded for life.
I groaned. A cold shower loomed in the future. "I love you," I said.
"Me too," she answerd softy.
We got out of the limo and walked to her door. "See you tommorow," I told her casually.
"I love you," she whisperd fiercly, and then she disapeared inside her house.
And thus ended TBD.
*~*~*~
Life isn't fair, you know? If it was, I could just be a normal kid with a normal girlfriend and a normal life. I could go out on a date without feeling paranoid and being on edge. I could go through life without constantly waiting for something bad to happen.
If life was a poker game I got dealt the bad hand. If life was a game I'd say the opponents were cheating. I feel like we're a Jr. High football team thrown into a game against the 49rs. It's not fair.
It's not fair that the deck is stacked against us. It's not fair that we're fighting a loosing battle. It's not fair that I can't go a night without waking up at 3 AM in a cold sweat.
But Cassie said something the other day that really touched me. She said that I have to deal with what is. That's life. That's maturity. She said she bet there were a lot of kids who gladly switch places with me givin the chance.
She also said that time was too complicated to mess with. She said that if this had never happend to us, other problems, worse than what we have now, would ocurr. I guess she's right. I mean, on one level that's become more plain to me in this last week or so, if it wasn't for the war, Cassie and I wouldn't be so close. We wouldn't have the connection to each other that we share. And it was funny. She said all this in this confident voice, like she knew exactly what she was talking about, like she had lived it.
She's right. She's very wise, my Cassie. Not book smart, all though she's that too, life smart. She understands life, she understands people, the earth, the universe. She's connected to it, in tune with it like no one else that I know. She's amazing.
So my life's not fair. So what? Neither is anybody else's. And while I may get depressed sometimes, and I may get upset, Cassie's always there for me. She's always got her hand outstretched, ready to pull me from the Abyss.
And I love her.
AniAphrodite
Rating: PG13 for romance and a few naughty words
Category: Jake/Cassie Romance, Angst,
Spoilers: Book 41, VERY slight MM4 refrence; if you haven't read the book it doesn't matter, it won't give anything away.
Summery: Jake. Cassie. Romance. It's a Book #41 follow up story, my feelings on what happened after Jake made the call. But there's a lot more than just that.
Feedback: Would be lovely.
Archive: If ya want it ya can have it, just drop me a note.
Disclaimer: Jake, Cassie, Rachel, Tobias, Marco, Ax and any other tangentially mentioned characters created by K.A. Applegate remain her copyrighted property, and the property of Scholastic Inc. The author believes that the use of copyrighted characters in the forum known as "Fan
Fiction" is protected under the "Fair Use" statutes of US Copyright law. No infringement of any copyright is intended.
Authors Note: I am placing book 41 four years since the Animorphs started. They've been out for four years, and I think that's about how old they are. As evidence, I point out that Jake said the future him was about ten years older and had been out of collage for a few years. If you figure the average person goes to collage for four years, that would make him at least 22 and then add three or four years (2 is a couple, 3 or more is a few) which would make him 25 or older - 10 and you get 15 or 16. The books say they were in middle school when the whole thing started, so I'm guessing 12-16, that's four years. I'm using four for the variable number because they've been published for four years. If this bothers you, don't let it deter you from reading the story, just change "four years" to "four months" or "four weeks" or "four minutes" and just disregard all the complicated math I just did. (Speaking of which, do you have any Advil? Math gives me a frightful headache.)
// \\ indicates thought speak.
Now that all that gunk is over, let's get on with the show!!
~*~*~
I grabbed for the phone. I dialed the number. Pounded the keypads. My body ached in muscles I didn't know I had.
Brrrrrrr-ing.
Come on. Pick up.
Brrrrrrr-ing.
Answer!
I wanted to hear a girl's voice. Deep and young. Cheerful and wise.
My heart pounded.
Brr..."Hello"
Time stopped.
Everything got extremely quiet. Except for the pounding of my heart.
I knew now. I'd made a choice. I knew what I was made of. My limitations and priorities.
"It's Jake," I said.
No response.
It's Jake," I said again, voice quaking like I'd never talked to her before. As if this were the first call I'd ever made. The only call that mattered.
"Cassie, I just wanted to ask what I should have asked you yesterday. Are you okay?"
A long pause. I heard Cassie draw a tremulous breath, then...
CLICK.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
She had hung up on me.
Cassie had hung up on me.
I stared in shock at the phone in my hand for what must have been a minute. In fact, it was a minute, because I got that stupid recording, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again," accompanied by a very loud HMMM HMMM HMMM HMMM. I all but slammed down the receiver in frustration. I ran my hands through my hair as I stared at the phone trying to decide what I should do. That phone call was supposed to make it all better.
Before I even thought about it, I threw on some clothes over my morphing suit and rushed down the stairs. And nearly fell into Mom and Dad who were waiting at the bottom of the stairs with their arms crossed over their chests.
Uh oh. Not good.
"He's not dead," my father said conversationally.
"No," Mom answered, "but he will be."
"I think that's against the law. Besides, if we kill him, who's gonna mow the laws and pull the weeds?"
"And clean the bathroom and the kitchen," my mom added, "I see your point."
I shifted impatiently from foot to foot. The desire to talk to Cassie was overwhelming. The need I had to talk to her, see her, touch her was so real it was like a physical pain. But from the looks on my parents faces, I realized I was going nowhere quickly.
"Jake, where were you last night?" my mother asked in a low tone.
"Marco's. Just watchin' the game. I had permission and everything."
My father held up a silencing hand, "I am going to ask you once more. I would suggest you be honest this time, Jacob, because the answer will spell either social life or death for you. Where. Were. You. Last. Night."
They knew. Alright, Jake, just play it cool. Partial honesty is the trick. "Marco and I decided to go to the mall. You know, hang out. Than we went just left and biked around."
"Your brother said you came in last night at 11:30, barefoot and in a spandex top and bike shorts. What in God's name were you doing last night?"
"Just hangin' out! I said defensively. "Marco spilled soda down my clothes, so I left them at his house."
"Do you know how worried we've been? Do you know how it felt to get a call at 9:30 last night from Marco's step-mom asking us to send Marco back home? Do you know what it was like waiting up for you until 11:00 and still not having you home?" my mother said.
"This was incredibly irresponsible of you, Jake." Dad said quietly. "I'm very disappointed in you."
"Why didn't you call?" Mom asked, "I don't have a problem with you going places, you know I don't, but if you tell me you're going to be someplace, you had better be there until I get a call saying otherwise."
"Plus, you were out after 11:00. Your curfew is ten, and you know it. You're grounded Jake, and you have all of the work I laid out for you at the beginning of this chat to do."
Noooooo! I needed to see Cassie. "You guys, please! I already made plans! I really need to go."
"You should have thought about that before you disobeyed,"
Where do parents learn this stuff? Do they send home a book of parental cliches along with the diapers and powder? "Mom, dad, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have been out that late and I know it. Forgive me?"
My parents looked at each other. "Yes," my mother said slowly, "but you're still grounded."
"Aw Mom! I promised them! Come on, I'll do extra chores and everything. I promise I won't do it again. I just have to go!" I was not exaggerating. I had to go.
"It wouldn't hurt to let the boy go out," my dad said softly, "If he's going to do all those chores, we shouldn't double punish him. This doesn't happen very often. If it did it'd be different." He said with a very pointed glance at me.
My mom thought it over. "Fine. But I want those chores done. And I mean it!"
"Great," I said; relieved. "Bye Mom, Dad." I ran down the stairs and out the door before they could change their minds. I grabbed my bike and raced to Cassie's house.
It's a pretty long bike ride to her house. Cassie lives as close to the sticks as you can get in our suburban town. It's usually a good thirty or forty minute ride.
I got there in fifteen minutes.
I rode my bike into her barn, expecting to see her in there. Sunday's are her work days, and she's usually in the barn for a good part of it. Not that she doesn't spend a good part of each day in the barn. She's an amazing person, my Cassie. She wasn't there.
I left my bike in the barn and walked to her house. Well...fine. I was hoping for someplace more secluded than her house but it wasn't hard to walk someplace. Or fly, for that matter.
With every step I took, my heart rate increased. By the time I reached her door, it was pounding out of my cheats. I knocked. The door was slowly opened by her mother. The minute she saw me, she gave me an icy glare.
"Can, uh, Cassie, you know, come out and stuff?" Real smooth Jake. Cassie's mom interrupted me, saving me from more humiliation. Or so I thought.
"She doesn't want to see you," she said coldly, "I'll see you later Jake." she began to shut the door. Right before she shut it, she stopped. "Whatever you did hurt her real bad. You should be ashamed."
I was. Oh God, I've never felt guiltier in my life. I just wanted to burst out crying. It was too much! Too much. I felt like Atlas; my shoulders sagging under the weight of the world. It was times like these that I turned to Cassie. But now I couldn't.
I went back into the barn and prepared to ride off. But I couldn't. I had to talk to her. I had to. I stripped off my outer clothing and hid it in a stall. I morphed to falcon, and sped out of the barn to Cassie's bedroom window.
I guess luck was finally with me, because she was sitting on her bed reading. Tears glistened in her eyes. Seeing her like that, knowing that I caused her pain, was like a knife in my heart. A lump built up in my throat, which was weird because I was a bird. It was more of a mental lump than a physical one.
I landed on her window sill. //Cassie!\\
She jumped and lifted her head to the window. "Go away." she said softly. Angrily.
//Cassie, come on. I need to talk to you.\\
"What, now you want to talk? Is now a good time? I'm so happy for you."
She was angry. I mean, she was really, really angry. Cassie never is sarcastic. Of course, she hardly ever is angry either.
//Cassie...look. I'm sorry.\\
Silence.
//I shouldn't have left you. I was wrong.\\
Silence.
//Forgive me?\\
Silence.
//Cassie. I'm sorry. I was horribly inexcusably wrong. Will you please talk to me?\\
Cassie began tapping her right index finger. Cassie has to be the most patient person I know. I mean, she'll try for hours to get raccoon to take a pill and she won't raise her voice or get upset. But on the very rare occasions that she does begin to get impatient, she will inadvertently tap her right index finger. I don't know why, and she sure doesn't. She doesn't even know she's doing it. It's like subconscious or something.
I was beginning to get impatient, too. Here I am saying I'm sorry and asking her to forgive me and generally doing the right thing and she won't even talk to me.
//Fine. You know what Cassie? I said I was sorry. I said I was wrong. And if you can't even talk to me, there's nothing I can do. It's not like I didn't have a lot of problems last night. It's not like I don't have a lot of responsibility. Okay? So I'm sorry. You know I am. But there's nothing more I can do. I'll see you this afternoon. Okay?\\
"This afternoon?"
//Yeah. We have to decide whether we're going to scrape the mission or whether it's worth the time and effort. Your barn, 4:00\\ I shuffled my feathers and prepared for my departure.
Cassie's whole tough-shit attitude changed. She looked so vulnerable that I regretted my harsh words moments before. She was about to say something about us not being allowed to use her barn-don't ask me how I know she was, just take my word for it. I can't explain it, but there are times when I can all but read her mind. Her mouth even opened to say the words, but she shut it and sighed. She glared at me, and I was struck by the fact that her eyes and face didn't match. Her face was pulled into an angry scowl, but her eyes had tears in them. But it wasn't just that, there was something else, something about her eyes...
After I demorphed, I slowly rode home. Her face wouldn't leave my mind. As I peddled home, I tried to think of something-anything-other than her haunted face, but it rose unbidden to mind. I've leaned a lot from Cassie about people's hidden feelings and people's hidden motives, but I'm still not very good about discerning what isn't on the surface. And now when I need her talents the most, I don't have them. Cassie completes me. Cassie makes me whole. I need her, just as much as I need myself.
But even with my limited talents, I could see that something was wrong. Could it be that her anger was just a cover up? She was holding me back, her anger keeping me away...could it be that the whole reason she acted like that-emphasis on ACT-was because I had hurt her so much she needed to keep me away so I wouldn't hurt her again. Oh God, would this agony ever stop?
I couldn't believe that one thoughtless act could have such a drastic consequences. I could have just ruined Cassie and my relationship just because I was so damned thoughtless! But it was more than that. If I was right, Future Cassie's whole thoughtless, ruthless, horrible attitude started this night. It started with me not caring enough, with me putting the mission before the person.
I needed to tell her that I loved her. I needed to reassure her that I would never leave her again. I started to turn my bike around, to head back to her house, but I stopped. I better give her some time. I'd talk to her after the meeting was over.
*~*~*~
By four-thirteen we were all assembled in Cassie's barn. I looked around at the team-my friends-and took in their different emotions. Marco and Rachel were obviously still mad at each other; they were sitting as far away from each other as they could possibly get. Cassie was sitting stonily on a hay bale somewhat seperated from the rest of the group. Tobias was up in his rafter as usual and, as always, his emotions were impossible to discern. His fierce gaze gave nothing away. Ax appeared to be the calmest of us all. He stood, patiently waiting for the meeting to begin.
I debated whether to share with them what had happened to me. I had decided sometime around three that what had happened to me was not a dream, but rather a reality. The Elimist and Cryak were certainly powerful enough to pull of something of that scale and grandeur, but they didn't orchestrate it, that I knew. Could it be that power greater than theirs that the Elimist had spoken of? Perhaps. But it had happened, that was the important part. I decided that I wanted to talk to Ax and Cassie before sharing.
"What are we going to do about the new entrance?" I asked. "Do we scrap the mission? Or are we going to go back?"
"Why? So we can try and kill off two more of us?" Cassie asked bitterly.
There was an uncomfortable silence. "I don't think so," Marco said finally, "Really, what will destroying this entrance do? Nothing. They'll just make another one, and this time under enough security that we won't get tipped off by Erek. Maybe in the long run this is a good thing. We could get up some heavy duty surveillance."
"Yeah, that's just like you, Marco. You cowardly little...we should move in and hit them hard and quick. Cause some damage, move onto the offensive instead of always being the defender!"
"It's a question of worth. How much are our lives worth? How much do we sacrifice? Till two of us are dead? Three? Or until only two of us are left?" Cassie said with a pointed glance at me. I felt my face flush unwillingly. I looked at the ground.
"Cassie's right, sort of," Marco said, "How much do we risk? It could have easily gone another way. Rachel and I could have died back there. We came close. Way close. Not that I blame you, bud..."
"Of course not." Cassie interrupted. "Our great and wonderful leader made the only decision he could," she said sarcastically.
Again, silence. "Um, like I was saying, you made the only decision you..." Marco's voice trailed of to an embarrassed silence. "Hey, I told you to close that door. So if anyone's to blame, it's me. Let's just leave it at that,"
"We risk it all!" Rachel said. "Do you want to loose? I guarantee that we will if we don't hit 'em with everything we've got. We've got to keep it up! We've got to destroy those slugs."
"What happens when we slip up, huh Rachel? Hard to fight the Yeerks when we're all dead."
//Rachel's right.\\ Tobias said.
"Must be psychic," Marco said, "I just knew he was going to say that."
Tobias fixed his fierce gaze on Marco. //It makes strategic sense. We stop them up enough, they'll start to fall back. Maybe even think Earth's not worth the trouble.\\
//I concur with Tobias' assumption. The Yeerks are evil, but intelligent. If they feel that the possible loss is more than the possible gain, they will not risk the loss.\\ Ax said.
"Yes!" Rachel shouted. "Exactly. Let's show them who's the best!"
"Haven't got over loosing the two-square championship in 6th grade yet, have you." Marco muttered.
"Let's put it to a vote." I said. All in favor of going?" Ax and Rachel nodded, Tobias just looked at me hard.
"You're the tie breaker again," Marco said, "lucky you."
I looked down. Go or stay. Both had their advantages, both had their disadvantages. I looked around the room at everyone's faces and tried to make eye contact with each of them. Cassie avoided me completely. "We're staying. It's almost a given that they've raised security," I saw Marco nod his head, "and it's not worth the risk. And Marco's right, this could be a golden oppertunity identify controllers. But Rachel, Tobias and Ax are right in the sense that we need to make taking earth as hard as possible. I think we should stake out the entrance-"
"I'm not going."
I looked at Cassie. "What?"
She scowled at me. "I'm not going. I'm not going to watch you kill off my friends."
Okay, that's it. "Cassie?" I said sternly, angrily. "Walk with me." I stood up and walked out of the barn without looking back. There was a second of silence, and then I heard Cassie stand up and walk after me. I was mildly surprised. It must have been the tone of my voice. I can't think of any other reason that she'd do what I told her to without a fight.
We walked a reasonable distance from her house, down a hill and towards a stream that lay at the bottom. I stopped suddenly and Cassie nearly plowed into me. I used the closeness of our proximity to my advantage. I got right in her face and with a raised voice said, "Don't ever do that again. Do not undercut my authority in front of everyone. Do not embarrass me like that again. You have a problem with me or my style, you come talk to me privately. You were out of line."
Cassie face contorted in rage and sadness. "So I just follow what mighty Prince Jake has to say, is that it? I just meekly do whatever you tell me to do?"
"You made me the leader!" I yelled. "I didn't ask for this! You pushed it on me! Being the leader doesn't just mean I make the big decisions in battle or shoulder all of the responsibility. I keep this group of people together! And to do that I have to have cooperation. Everyone has to do their part. I don't want you to blindly follow me or never raise concerns, but you can do that without embarrassing me or undercutting my authority."
Cassie opened her mouth to speak but I just ran on. "You have problems with me, fine. You hate me, fine. You don't bring our personal problems to the meetings and you sure as hell don't bring them on the battlefield. As much as you hate to admit it, we're fighting a war here. Yes, we're going to kill people. Many, many people are going to die at our hands. It's inevitable. We didn't ask the Yeerks to come here and enslave us. And as horrible and disgusting it is, the alternative is worse. It's wrong to kill, but it would be even more wrong to just sit back and let earth be taken over. In this case we have to go with the lesser of the two evils."
Somewhere in my tirade Cassie burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and she pressed herself against me and held me tightly as tears ran down her cheeks and sobs racked her body. She was shaking.
"Cassie," I murmured. Before I knew it I started crying too, the tensions of four years, the guilt I had felt during my ordeal in the future, pouring out in a waterfall of tears. We pulled tighter against each other, drawing strength from each other. We collapsed into the grass in a tangle of arms and legs. I don't know how long we laid there, holding each other, crying. When the tears stopped flowing, when the sobs quit coming we just laid there next to each other enjoying the feel being wrapped up in each others arms.
"I didn't mean it, you know." Cassie said. "Don't get me wrong, I was mad. I was real mad. But I still...I mean I still care about you, okay?"
I looked at her tenderly. "Me too. I could never not. You know. I...I just..." I love you. How could those three words be so hard to say? Was I even ready to say them? I mean, love is a big word. It encompasses so much. And how could I know if I was in love with her when we were so young? But when I looked at her laying in my arms, I was filled with such emotion. I knew, knew like I knew the sky was blue, that I loved her. It was a more powerful emotion than I'd ever felt before.
"Cassie, you complete me. It's like I'm half a person without you. I need you so badly. It terrifies me, you know? How much I need you. Life wouldn't be worth living without you. I would rather die, I would rather we lost to the Yeerks and earth was destroyed than to live on a perfect planet without you. I know that for sure now. I'm not going into why, that can wait till later. But you need to know how much I...how much...Cassie...I love you." There. I said it. I looked down, afraid to see her reaction. When I looked up I was staring into her beautiful brown-black eyes. Those deep pools of wisdom. I felt myself pulled in. I was drowning in her eyes and I couldn't look away.
"I love you too." she said solemnly. Softly. She snuggled up closer to me and rested her forehead against mine. My eyes drifted downward to her lips that were just centimeters away from mine. Impulsively, I leaned forward to kiss them gently. Cassie pulled back, and I instantly regretted the decision. I should have known not to move so fast, I should have given her time...and then Cassie smiled faintly and leaned forward so once more our lips were touching.
The kiss was slow and gentle. It was different from the other kisses we had shared in the past. It wasn't desperate or scared. It was calm. Loving. Peaceful. The kiss broke and instead of traditionally pulling apart, we pressed our lips together again. And again. I couldn't get enough of her soft, full, moist lips. I never wanted to stop this agonizingly wonderful slow dance our lips were dancing. They took on a life of they're own moving, touching, playing. It was like we had always done this, were meant to do this. Her lips were familiar, yet unfamiliar. I knew them, but there was a secret I was unlocking. The kiss became fuller. It deepened until we were pressed against each other, locked into something I could not willingly stop. I ever so gently ran my tongue across her lips and her mouth opened up and I was thrown into something so wonderful it was unimaginable.
Cassie pulled back an immeasurable amount of time later and buried her head in my shoulder. I felt moisture on my sleeve and asked concerned, "What's wrong?"
Cassie pulled back a bit and wiped the tears away. "Oh Jake," she murmured, "What did I do to deserve you?"
"Piss off someone in your former life?" I suggested.
She giggled and then outright laughed. She grew solemn and pulled back further and caressed my cheek with the back of her hand. "I must have done something really awesome. I must have been the best person since Jesus."
My own eyes welled up and I kissed the palm of her hand. I shifted until I was facing the sky and Cassie did the same. She clasped my hand as we stared at the sky, thinking about the recent revelations we had both recieved. We stayed like that, arms, hands and fingers entwined, staring silently at the beautiful sky lost in our own thoughts, until the sun had fully set.
*~*~*
Cassie wasn't on the bus this morning, which usually means she woke up late and had to be driven to school. Cassie is definatly not a morning person. The minute the bus hit the curb I was off and running towerds school. That's definantly an unusual thing (I'm usually running AWAY from school) but I really wanted to catch Cassie before the day started.
My eyes scaned the crowds of students for a few moments until I saw her. She was walking to the side entrence near her first class was. I hurried to catch up with her. She turned around when she heard me, and her face broke into a wide smile.
"What's up?" she asked.
"I, um," I was really nervous. Would she like them? "I know your birthday is on Sunday so I got you these." I said, thrusting the two envelopes at her viciously.
Cassie looked startled,(I don't blame her) and she took them from my hands and opended them up. "Oh!" she squeled. "Oh!" and she threw them down and jumped into my arms and before I knew it she kissing me quiet soundly on the lips. She pulled back a few minutes later with an embarassed glace at the many other students and teachers who were watching us curiously.
"So you like them?" I asked.
"Like them? I love Sarah McLaughlan. She has to be my favorite singer of all time! I wanted to go to the concert so bad, but..." she looked at me curiously, "how in the world did you afford these?"
"I had some money saved up," I said casually. "Plus, unfortunatly, the only tickets available monday were in the nosebleed section." I watched Cassie for any sign of disapointment. Bless her, she was still as cheery as anything. "But as a bonus, I hired a limo."
"You didn't," Cassie breathed. She looked ready to jump in my arms again (not that I would have minded of course) but controled herself. She flashed me a 100 watt smile and curled her fingers into mine. "Walk me to class," she commanded, and we both started laughing.
"Your wish is my command, my Queen." I laughed.
Why did I give her those tickets in front of everyone? I guess I just wanted to show her off. I wanted everyone to know that such a beautifull, intelligent girl liked, LOVED me. That such a great girl chose to be with me over all the other guys in the school. Even though we've gone to a couple dances together, no one really knows we're an item. We've never been a big supporter of PDA.
School was...intreasting. I had a hard time concentrating, but than I always do. It was the way the girls kept glancing at me and they guys kept congragulating me. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it seemed like whispers followed me down the hall.
I walked into the luchroom and saw Rachel and Marco waving frantically for me to come sit down next to them. Cassie was sitting there, too. I slid into a seat next to her and gave her a smile. Rachel watched us critically, than exclaimed, "I heard the wierdest story today. Someone, I don't remember who, said that Cassie and Jake liked each other. Like as in LIKE!" Cassie smacked her, and Rachel grinned unmercifully.
"My personal favorite," Marco remarked, "was the one about how they were MAKING OUT in front of the school." He grinned, and he and Rachel folded their arms over their chests and looked at us expectantly.
"It was just a little kiss," Cassie mumbled.
"A kiss? And I wasn't there? You guys, really. So what brought on this little Public Display of Affection?"
"I bought tickets for the Sarah McLaughlan concert," I said confidently. Marco and Rachel looked at each other and grinned.
"A date! A real date!" Rachel exclaimed.
Marco pretended to wipe a tear out of his eye. "I'm so proud," he said in a chocked voice. "I never expected you two to come together on your own." He turned and pretended to cry on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel good-naturdly shrugged him off.
"So when's TBD. You know, The Big Date," Rachel asked, giggling.
"Sunday night," I replied.
Rachel put her head in her hands and moaned. "That is so not enough time to get Cassie ready! I need at least a few days, we have to go shopping and Cassie needs a hair cut..." and Rachel was off and running while Cassie sat there with a look of horror on her face.
~*~*~
I've been really worried about Cassie. There's been something wrong with her since Thursday. She's been more, I don't know, withdrawn. She acts normal, but her eyes are sad. I don't think she realizes how much she gives away in those beautiful dark brown eyes. With Cassie that old saying, 'The Eyes are the window to the soul,' is 100% true.
I decided to go talk to her on Saturday morning. I parked my bike in her barn and walked to her house. She was siting on her porch like she was expecting me. She jumped up when she saw me and ran over.
"Hey, Jake," she said, "What's up?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you," I said seriously. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," she said, avoiding eye contact.
"Uh huh. How are you really?"
She looked up and smiled. "Jake! You saw below the surface!"
"Four years of putting up with you hasn't been for nothing, you know." Cassie smacked my arm, "and you are avoiding the issue."
Cassie sighed. "I've just been really upset. I don't know. I've just been so depressed lately, and this isn't really something I can talk to anyone about."
I saw Cassie's mother give her us a quick look outside her window so I clasped Cassie's hand and led her down the hill to the spot relativly where we were last Sunday.
"Tell me," I said.
Cassie looked at the ground and played with a blade of grass. "What happend last week has been going round and round in my head and won't stop. I mean, I daydream about it at school and have nightmares at night. How can I do this? How can I kill at night and than save lives during the day? I killed four or five Hork Bajir. I ended at least eight lives. Stopped at least eight existences. But that's nothing," her voice chocked and tears began to fall, "nothing compared to the countless numbers of others I've killed. I'm so evil," she wisperd.
"Cassie..." my first thought was to tell her not to think about it, but I decided against it. That would change who Cassie was. Cassie needed to think about these things, she needed to feel, she needed to mourn for the people we were destroying. The day Cassie ceases to care is the day, in my mind, the Yeerks win. And Cassie knows it too. She quit, after all, when she realized she didn't have any feelings about killing anymore. I don't think any of us understood her than, but after seeing what she was like in the future, I now understand.
When I think about what Cassie goes through, my heart just breaks. Cassie has to be the strongest person on the earth. I'm not exagerating. Going into battle takes it's toll on all of us, and all of us feel the pain and the emotion that comes with killing, but it's differant. All of us, excluding Cassie, let ourselves forget. We allow ourselves to become hardened, more than than, we welcome it. We welcome not feeling the pain and guilt. And after awhile we became more imune to the affects of the war. But Cassie won't let herself that relief. She is fighting an internal war against both her own desire to forget and not feel, and against her mind's natural process of building up mental blocks. She destroys these blocks to let herself feel the pain.
This alone would destroy people less strong than Cassie, but it isn't all she does. It is undeniably easier to kill when the target is believed to be pure evil. So we have all adapted that mindset. Yeerks=Evil. Except for Cassie. She won't let her consider the Yeerks pure evil. She strains to be empathetic, for God's sake! She tries to put herself in their place, she tries to get inside their mindset. She wants to understand the joy for them to be able to hear, to see. And so Cassie is sypathetic. It doesn't mean she thinks what they're doing is right, not by a long shot. But she see's both sides, she understands. And so killing one of them is ten times harder than it is for us.
I was at a loss for what to do. I didn't know what the right thing to say was, or if there evan was a right thing. So I gathered her up in my arms and kissed her brow and waited for the tears to subside.
After a few minutes, Casssie stopped crying and looked up at me. "You're a great person, you know that? Thank you so much for being here for me. Thank you for listening to me."
I smiled down at her. "I love you." I said simply. We laid down in the tall grass and curled up next to each other. We didn't say anything for a long time, just laid there, looking at each other, thinking. Cassies lids began to drop and her breathing became steadier. "Stay...with...me," she murmered, and a few minutes later she was fast asleep in my arms.
I stayed, looking at her beautiful sleeping face, and thinking. Thinking about her, school, the Yeerks, my family, everything. About two hours later she woke up. "Jake?" she mumbled. Suddenly she sat straight up. "Where am I?" She asked nervously.
"Shhh," as I eased her back down. "You fell asleep, remember? You're okay."
She snuggled closser. "How long have I been asleep?" she asked.
"Two hours, I'd guess," I answerd.
"Two hours?" Her eyes popped open in surprise. "You stayed with me all that time?"
"Course. But unfortunatly," I said, sitting up, "I have to get home. I have a lot of chores that need to get done."
Cassie looked disapointed. "Can I come?" she asked.
I laughed. "You want to come help me clean the kitchen?" I asked
"It'll pay you back for all the times you help me muck out the barn."
"Well, sure. How are you going to get there? I brought my bike. We can't double up on it. You'd have to practically sit in my lap."
"And that's a bad thing?" Cassie asked, looking hurt.
"Well...no."
Cassie and I spent the rest of the day together, pushing aside thoughts of evil and violence and indesiscion, just focusing on being with one another.
~*~*~*
All day Sunday I was a nervous wreck. I provided my family endless amusement, I'm sure. I ran around my house like an idiot. I called the limo service three times, untill the secretary said, "Kid, if the limo's still not there ten minutes after it's supposed to be, I gurentee you we'll send another one, no charge." I thanked her and went back to worrying about my hair, clothes, ect. ect. Cut me some slack. This was my first 'official' date with Cassie without the security of the group with us. It was just us. Alone. In the city. For dinner and then a concert.
I was at her door at five o' clock. I gave myself a once-over. I was wearing clothes that were an upgrade from my normal jeans and a tee-shirt, a pair of black slacks and a beige shirt. My hair was combed and I smelled of cologne.
Cassie's mom answerd the door. She smiled widly when she saw me. "Hey, Jake. Cassie's not quite ready yet, and I think John wants to talk to you. He's in the living room; you can go right in."
I thanked her and steped into the living room. I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me. Cassie's dad was sitting on the couch holding a humungous gun with these bullets the size of my fist laying next to him. "Jake, come over here a minute," he said, then inclined his head to an empty chair in front of him. I walked over and sat stifly.
John grabbed a cloth from behind him and began cleaning out the shafts and barrels of the gun. We sat in silence; he cleaned the gun, I sat and stared. After a few moments of silence he asked, "Is something wrong, Jake?"
"Nice gun." I said.
"It is, isn't it. It's designed to be a tranqualizer for larger animals. It could take down an elephant or rhinocoross." He picked up the gun and expertly inserted the bullets and cocked the gun. He pointed it around the room, then rested it on the sofa next to him.
"Very powerful gun," he said reflectivly. "It would kill a grown man. What would it do a young boy-such as yourself- I wonder?"
I gulped.
John leaned down closer to me and said very slowly and carefully, "Touch my daughter and die." Then he sat up and slapped his knees like we were having a normal conversation. Thankfully I was spared further embarassment when Aisha stuck her head in the door.
"She's ready to go," she said, and I jumped up and followed her out the door.
Cassie was almost down the stairs when came in. My breath caught in my throat when I saw her. She was beautiful. She was wearing a dark green velvet dress that was tight in all the right places. It had a generous v-neck neckline and the skirt flared slighty below her hips. It stopped a few inches above her knees. She was wearing dark red lipstick and her short hair was curled. Tredrils hung around her gorgous face. She was wearing these black shoes with a good three inch heel and a strap. She tripped slightly when she was walking down the stairs. Her legs...wow. She had great legs. The were long and slender, well muscled.
I noticed her dad noticing that I was noticing his daughter. I quickly averted my gaze to her face and gave her a slow smile. She smiled back and mirth danced across her face.
Her mom and dad kissed her goodbye and told us sternly to be home by midnight. She clasped my hand as we left the house and she excitedly bounced as we walked towerds the limo waiting out in front. The driver opened the door for us and we got inside. I looked over at her once we were seated.
"I love that dress. I supose it would be a little difficult to wear it to school."
Cassie laughed. "Just a little. Although," she said slyly, "givin what you keep trying not to stare at, I could wear that pair of shorts Rachel bought me."
"Remind me to buy that girl an island or somthing, kay?"
Cassie giggled. "I'm sorry about my dad," she said. "There was nothing I could do. He's been planing that even before my mom and dad were married. It's not my fault."
"You could have warned me or something," I pointed out.
"And spoil all the fun? Not a chance." she leaned over and kised my cheek lightly.
I smiled and pulled her close. "I made reservations at Buchero's," I told her. Bunchero's is one of the most fancy Itallian restraunts in the city. Instead of being thrilled like I had expected, Cassie's face fell slighly.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Jake, don't think I don't appreciate this, I do, but, um...I can't afford Bumchero's." she whisperd, embarassed.
"Your not supposed to!" I exclaimed, "It's my treat."
"Jake," she protested, "You've already spent so much. The limo, the concert-"
"And dinner," I interupted. "I decided I wanted to do this for you. With all the bad stuff that goes on, you deserve a little fun."
"A little," she mutterd under her breath. She looked up and kissed me again, this time full on the lips. "Ummm," she murmurd low in her throat.
I smiled and kissed her lightly again. This was going to be a great evening.
*~*~*
We arrived back at her home at about 11:45 after a great evening. The concert was great. It's not really my type of music, but seeing the look of rapture on Cassie's face made everything perfect. Heck, I would have sat through Barney In Concert just to see that look on her face.
Cassie looked at her house, then at her watch, then back at her house, and finally at me. "I had a wonderfull time, Jake. Thank you so much."
I smiled slowly and she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me thouroughly. We broke apart and she leaned forward again. "Do you think we should go inside?" I interupted. She ponderd that for a moment, her lips centimeters away from mine. I gulped. It took every inch of self control not to lean forward and press my lips to hers.
"It's probably the right thing to do," she said, "but they did say midnight. We have 15 minutes to kill." And then she closed the distance between us and our lips touched once more.
Cassie made a sound of pleasure low in her throat and pulled closer to me. Her hands ran through the hair at the base of my neck while my hands wrapped around her waist. Her tounge lightly carressed my lip and my mouth opened up in response. Our kiss became less gentle, more rough, as we plunged into the depths of each other's mouth.
.Cassie pulled back and glanced at her watch. "Damn," she swore under her breath. To me she added, "If you ever want to do this again, we have to stop. If I don't get up there in the next three minutes I'll be grounded for life.
I groaned. A cold shower loomed in the future. "I love you," I said.
"Me too," she answerd softy.
We got out of the limo and walked to her door. "See you tommorow," I told her casually.
"I love you," she whisperd fiercly, and then she disapeared inside her house.
And thus ended TBD.
*~*~*~
Life isn't fair, you know? If it was, I could just be a normal kid with a normal girlfriend and a normal life. I could go out on a date without feeling paranoid and being on edge. I could go through life without constantly waiting for something bad to happen.
If life was a poker game I got dealt the bad hand. If life was a game I'd say the opponents were cheating. I feel like we're a Jr. High football team thrown into a game against the 49rs. It's not fair.
It's not fair that the deck is stacked against us. It's not fair that we're fighting a loosing battle. It's not fair that I can't go a night without waking up at 3 AM in a cold sweat.
But Cassie said something the other day that really touched me. She said that I have to deal with what is. That's life. That's maturity. She said she bet there were a lot of kids who gladly switch places with me givin the chance.
She also said that time was too complicated to mess with. She said that if this had never happend to us, other problems, worse than what we have now, would ocurr. I guess she's right. I mean, on one level that's become more plain to me in this last week or so, if it wasn't for the war, Cassie and I wouldn't be so close. We wouldn't have the connection to each other that we share. And it was funny. She said all this in this confident voice, like she knew exactly what she was talking about, like she had lived it.
She's right. She's very wise, my Cassie. Not book smart, all though she's that too, life smart. She understands life, she understands people, the earth, the universe. She's connected to it, in tune with it like no one else that I know. She's amazing.
So my life's not fair. So what? Neither is anybody else's. And while I may get depressed sometimes, and I may get upset, Cassie's always there for me. She's always got her hand outstretched, ready to pull me from the Abyss.
And I love her.