When Santana first hears about the breakup, it's through a conversation she overhears between Rachel and Kurt, because apparently Rachel has finally removed her head from Finn's ass long enough to catch onto Mike's current depressive state, and of course Kurt, the gossip queen of McKinley, would know exactly what's wrong with him. Santana hasn't ever really cared for Mike too much; Matt was always more her type of person (he's quieter), and so she doesn't care to ask him what's wrong when she first notices him moping around.
So it's from Kurt's lips, instead, that she first hears about Tina dumping Mike.
It's not exactly unexpected; the only things Tina and Mike really had in common were their last names and their ethnicity, anyway, and even Santana has long since realized that Tina and Artie are still in love with each other. It's the only reason she tolerates Brittany's recent lapse in judgment; Brittany and Artie are bound to follow in Tina and Mike's footsteps and break up soon enough. At least, that's what Santana tells herself. Sure, two months is the longest relationship Brittany's ever had, but that's not really saying much considering her only previous relationships were with a gay guy and a seven-year-old. It's not like she's had much of a chance to commit to anyone. And even after two months, she and Artie most definitely do not have the same spark in their relationship that Artie and Tina had, and Mike and Tina most definitely didn't, either.
So anyway, it's really not a surprise when Tina and Mike break up.
What Santana doesn't expect is the position the events that follow put her in.
She doesn't put much thought into the breakup; after all, it's not like she cares what Asian and Other Asian do in their spare time, and it's not like she's invested in any relationship involving Tina or Mike, except maybe Tina and Artie because it'd be nice to get to spend time with her best friend again, but overall she isn't too interested in the love lives of the other kids in Glee Club. Most of them are losers, anyway, and their small dating pool is starting to look a little too incestuous for her liking. In fact, most of the Glee kids trade partners like they've been taking Square-Dancing lessons from April Rhodes, and it freaks her out too much if she pays any attention to it, so she forces herself not to, unless it's to keep tabs on Puck and Brittany so she knows who to go yell at if she somehow ends up with crabs or the clap or something.
Not that her and Brittany are still doing it. Apparently Artie's into monogamy, another reason for Santana to hate him (but only because she misses sex with Brittany; she's not, like, in love with her or anything). Or, at least, she had thought Artie was into monogamy.
But not a day after Tina dumps Mike, Santana walks into the choir room -looking for Will so she can warn him she's ditching Glee rehearsals for Cheerios practice tomorrow afternoon- and the first thing she sees is Artie and Tina making out by the piano like there's no tomorrow.
They break apart and gape at her before she can figure out how she should react, and Artie stammers out her name like he's afraid it's the last word he'll get to say. Santana just looks back and forth between two guilty faces, ignoring the way her heart is suddenly clenching in her chest, and then she turns on her heel and walks out, ignoring Artie's desperate shouts at her back.
By the time she's at her car, she wishes she had punched them both in the face.
She hasn't had a real conversation with Brittany in almost two months now, and she isn't sure that telling her best friend her boyfriend is cheating on her is the best way to get back to how they used to be.
"I think we're all excited for the holiday coming up this week; am I right?" Will polls the Glee Club the next afternoon, while Santana sits in the back, filing her nails and pretending to not pay attention. Quinn evidently managed to convince Sue that she, Santana, and Brittany were well into a new plan to sabotage New Directions, and as a result, the three of them were let off the Cheerios hook for the afternoon and were back in the choir room to listen to Will drone on and on about Valentine's Day. Santana doesn't really understand how he can be so enthusiastic about it when the woman he's in love with is happily married, but then she remembers that Will Schuester is pathetic and will put on a happy face for anyone willing to look at him. "I know Regionals is coming up," he continues, "but I think you guys need a well-deserved break. So for this week's assignment, we're going to get into the Valentine's spirit and you guys are allowed to dedicate and sing songs to anyone you'd like."
Rachel gasps and starts clapping enthusiastically in the front row, and Santana can practically see the lists of songs she's obviously already shuffling through in her head in order to find the perfect one to sing to Finn. She may have been pathetic before, but that's nothing compared to how she is now that she and Finn are finally back together. Just looking at the two of them makes Santana want to puke, and not just because they both blame her for their breakup.
Artie and Brittany are in the front row as well, and Santana feels her temper flare up when Brittany reaches for Artie's hand and squeezes, shooting him a wide grin that he immediately returns. Her fists clench at her sides and she tears her gaze from them and glares straight ahead hastily, noticing Mercedes looking at her from over to her left. Wheezy already heard Brittany's slip-up on the party line last year and witnessed Brittany cutting Santana off from her boobs a while back, and Santana really doesn't need another scene for her fellow diva to add to her mental list of "moments that prove Brittany and Santana are either totally doing it or have done it at some point". She's got enough things to worry about without fending off stupid rumors about her potential lesbianism.
Will ends the meeting and Santana stands up immediately, her eyes locking onto Brittany's back as the taller Cheerio pushes her boyfriend towards the choir room's exit. For a whole twenty-four hours she's held off, but it's finally time to clue Brittany in on the real reason Tina and Mike broke up, and then they can move onto the fun part: revenge.
Besides, it'll be nice to finally talk to Brittany about something for once, she supposes. It's kind of both their faults they haven't talked, but Santana firmly believes that if Brittany hadn't ignored her for the first two weeks of her relationship with Artie, Santana never would've blown up at her and told her they were no longer best friends and, like, made her cry and stuff.
…Okay, so maybe this is going to be a little harder than she thought.
Santana follows them both out into the parking lot and watches from a distance while Artie kisses Brittany goodbye and his mother helps load him into her special van. Brittany waves while they drive away and then takes out her phone to call her own parents for a ride, and that's when Santana makes her move, crossing the parking lot in long strides and bravely snatching Brittany's phone out of her hand and then snapping it shut. Brittany stares at her while she offers the phone back. "I can give you a ride, if you want," Santana makes herself say. Brittany's eyes slide down to her phone, and Santana notices she looks slightly apprehensive about taking it back. With a sigh, she leans over and drops it into the purse hanging from Brittany's shoulder, and then she crosses her arms. "Look…do you need a ride or not? I don't have all day."
Brittany's expression goes from surprised to slightly more sullen and she starts to dig through her purse again. Santana stops her hastily when she realizes Brittany's looking for her phone, grabbing her wrist to still her hand. They lock eyes awkwardly, and then Brittany gently tugs her hand from Santana's grip. "What do you want?" she mumbles quietly.
Santana glances around to make sure Tina isn't anywhere in sight, and then focuses on Brittany again. "We need to talk."
"We haven't talked in hours," Brittany reminds her.
Santana resists the urge to tell her the word she's looking for is "weeks", and says instead, "I know. But I saw something in the choir room yesterday and I think we should talk about it."
Brittany reddens slightly. "I meant to erase that."
Santana's eyebrows furrow. "What?"
"What?"
They stare at each other until Santana shakes her head. "Look, whatever. You need to dump Artie."
Brittany frowns. "We already talked about this. Artie's nice to me. He buys me stuffed animals and kisses my armpits."
I kissed your armpits Santana thinks fleetingly before she quickly brings herself back to the main idea of their conversation. "Artie's the worst boyfriend ever, Brittany. He's a loser."
"Jealous?" Brittany questions smugly.
"Of you? When hell freezes over, or when Artie decides to treat women like human beings. Neither or which is ever going to happen, in case you haven't noticed."
"I didn't mean of me, I meant of Ar-"
"He's cheating on you, by the way," Santana tosses out casually, pretending not to hear Brittany's attempt to correct her. "With Tina. I saw them making out yesterday in the choir room."
She expects a trembling lip or reddening eyes or maybe even a gasp. What she gets is furrowed eyebrows and a frown. "Well…that's not very nice of him."
Santana stares at her, waiting for more, but Brittany's mouth remains closed after the end of her sentence. "…Aren't you upset?" she finally questions. Brittany doesn't move other than to give her a sort-of half-shrug, and Santana realizes what's going on. Clearly, Brittany's in shock. "Look, I know you're probably really sad right now, but I've already thought up a way to make you feel better," she proposes hastily. "We're totally going to go egg his house tonight. It's the perfect revenge for him, like, breaking your heart and everything. And now that you two are done, I'm cool to be right back in your life the way I was before. Your bestie's here to make it all better, right?" She reaches over and links her pinky with Brittany, feeling quite pleased with the way things are going when she receives a small, contained smile from Brittany in response.
"Really?" her blonde BFF asks quietly.
"Duh. Sometimes it gets lonely at the top; everyone needs a partner in crime sometimes," Santana tells her dismissively, before pulling her off in the direction of her car.
Three days later…
"Okay, so the egging didn't go so well considering you rang the doorbell to ask for permission…"
"Sorry," Brittany mumbles.
"…and hiring the football team to slushie him was successful but totally lame since he gets those from Karofsky all the time anyway," Santana narrates, pacing back and forth in front of Brittany while the taller girl stares at her from her bed. "We need to do better."
"Santana, I don't really think-" Brittany starts to say, fiddling with her hands in her lap anxiously, but Santana quickly cuts her off.
"We need something that'll make him feel pathetic. We need to hurt him the way he hurt you."
"But Santana, I'm not really all that hur-"
"We need to do to him what he did to you," Santana continues, suddenly pausing and turning to Brittany with a victorious smirk. "I've got it."
Brittany's stomach rumbles loudly and Santana shoots her an annoyed look from a few feet in front of her, lightly kicking out at Brittany's leg. They're both sitting next to each other on desks in an empty classroom, in practically the same positions they've been in since school started that morning. "Brit, if you keep that up, someone's going to hear and find us before Artie does."
"But you made us skip lunch today," Brittany points out, pouting at her and rubbing her stomach. "Can't we go buy some snacks?"
"No; we can't leave this room," Santana reminds her. "Artie's bound to have already noticed you missing, and just like he did back before Sectionals, he'll come looking for you in every classroom in the school. We just have to wait here until we hear him coming."
Brittany sighs as her stomach gives another loud grumble, and Santana looks to the open classroom door carefully to make sure no one's outside to hear them talking. Class is in session at the moment, so the hallways are empty. She turns back to Brittany. "Just remember: we have to time everything perfectly so that Artie sees us," she tells her.
"What are we doing, again?" Brittany questions, clearly confused, and Santana sighs, hurrying to explain it the same way she did back in Brittany's room.
"Let me put it this way, Brit: You're Artie, I'm Tina, and Artie is me. Okay?"
Brittany's eyebrows furrow. "But why can't I be me? Where am I?"
"You're not involved," Santana dismisses.
Brittany looks down at herself. "…Yes I am. I'm right here."
"Brit, we're reenacting the scene where I saw Artie making out with Tina, but this time, you and I are Artie and Tina, and Artie is me. Do you get it now?"
Brittany blinks a couple times, still looking uncertain. "I think so."
Santana sighs in relief. "Okay. Good. So now we just have to wait for Artie to show up so we know when the right time to start is."
She stiffens suddenly when she hears the familiar sound of wheels rolling out in the hall somewhere, and immediately hops off her desk and tugs at her best friend's arm.
"Brit," she hisses to get the other girl's attention when Brittany looks towards the door to find the source of the noise. "Come here." She pulls Brittany off the desk and yanks her forward with enough force to send them crashing together. Santana reddens slightly at their close proximity, and for a millisecond she wonders why she originally thought this was such a good idea. But there's a shadow crossing the doorway now and Brittany's staring at her, so Santana shoves away any remaining reservations and hauls Brittany in by the front of her Cheerios uniform, quickly pressing their lips together.
Brittany makes a muffled "umph" sound and stumbles a little, and Santana feels hands press into her hips as Brittany tries to steady herself. Santana lets go of Brittany's uniform and encircles her arms around Brittany's neck instead, ignoring the harsh thumping in her chest as both she and Brittany open their mouths and the kiss abruptly deepens. Santana can feel her face flushing darker now; Brittany kisses just like she used to and with the same amount of enthusiasm she's always had and it's starting to do things to Santana that she didn't expect it to do. Her heart rate quickens even more when Brittany's hands slide to the backs of her thighs and she lifts Santana up and plops her down on the closest desk, all without breaking their lip lock.
When they finally do pull away, it's to take a breath, and then Brittany's mouth is back on hers and they're practically panting into each other's mouths. It isn't until Brittany starts to tug at the tie holding Santana's ponytail up, something she used to always do in preparation for having sex, that Santana remembers Artie and Tina only kissed for like two seconds after Santana walked in, and maybe they're taking this a little too far.
Gently, she pushes Brittany away and then rests both of her hands on the desk next to her, trying to catch her breath while Brittany licks at her lips, her eyes still on Santana. Santana breaks their gaze to finally look over at the doorway.
Mr. Kinney is staring back at both of them with wide eyes, a bucket of mops and brooms with wheels on the bottom resting in front of him. Santana closes her mouth and quickly masks her surprise by snapping, "Quit perving on us and move along, old man." Mr. Kinney hastily continues on his way, and Santana gets off the desk and abruptly moves to grab her things. "Fine. Since making out didn't work, I guess we'll just have to come up with another plan," she mutters angrily.
Brittany follows her movements with confused eyes. "Making out was part of the plan?"
"Okay, this'll work for sure," Santana insists, texting away on her cell phone while Brittany watches from the desk chair across Santana's bedroom with her own phone in her hand. "I stole his phone earlier and switched my number with Tina's, so when I rip him apart with my vicious, vicious words, he'll think it's actually her, and he'll be crushed the way you were when he cheated on you."
Brittany sighs quietly, almost not bothering to say anything for a moment. Finally she pipes up, "But Artie and I talked yesterday and-"
"And you're seriously going to fall for the crap he spewed?" Santana interrupts, causing Brittany to sigh heavily this time as her phone buzzes in her hand. She goes to reply to her new text as Santana continues, "Believe me, Brittany, I know a cheater when I see one."
"But I told him that I love-"
"I know you were in love with him," Santana retorts, missing Brittany's frustrated look as she continued to devise the perfect revenge text message. "Which is why we're doing this."
"But Santana, he told me he loves Tina and I-"
"What an insensitive asshole," Santana spits out. "You know what? I'm adding that in there."
Brittany lets out a heavy breath and tries again. "Santana, I love y-"
"How does this sound?" Santana turns to Brittany, then looks down at her phone to read her text aloud. "Artie, this is Tina, and I think you are an insensitive asshole. You were totally stupid to dump Brittany for me since she is way hotter, prettier, and smarter than me anyway and is basically the perfect girlfriend. Mike is really good in bed so I have no idea why I downgraded to you anyway. He's also a better dancer since you can't even walk. Loser. Also you're a bad kisser and a woman-hater. Don't talk to me ever again, and I hope you are single forever for what you did to Britt-Britt. Go play in traffic." She looks up when she's finished, clearly pleased with herself. Brittany blinks at her.
"Santana, that was really mean."
"Duh. That's the idea."
"But… I don't want to hurt Artie. I'm not mad at him."
"Oh, please," Santana dismisses. "It just hasn't sunk in yet. When it does, you'll be happy we did this."
"Why do you want to do this so badly?" Brittany questions as her phone silently vibrates in her hand, signaling a reply to her previous text.
Santana blanches for a second before hastily replying, "Because I care about you, of course. You're my best friend, and you were totally out of Artie's league. If anyone dates you, they should appreciate that they got the opportunity. Especially Artie."
Brittany hides a smile at that, spotting the underlying message in Santana's explanation, and opens her new text message as Santana turns away to send hers to Artie.
New text from: Artie Abrams
Yeah, she's totally in denial. Just humor her. I can take it.
Biting her lip with a smile, Brittany flips her phone shut and then watches Santana begin to rant about Artie again with something akin to amusement in her light-blue eyes.
She predicts they'll be girlfriends by the end of the night.