Twilight ("Twilight" by Elliot Smith)
I shouldn't be here. It probably already looks bad enough to Devin that I offered to drive Carrie home. I never should have come in. Carrie is in the shower, washing the blood from her hands, face, and hair. I don't want to leave, though. I know how hard the first case can be, and this was a particularly nasty one. Carrie's only twenty-three, the same age I was when I joined the BAU.
"You don't have to stand in the kitchen," Carrie says, entering in a fluffy bathrobe, rubbing her hair dry with a towel. I'm struck by the sweet innocence in her face. Even without makeup, she's beautiful. Something in her deep brown eyes tells me she can see right through me, through the mask I wear in front of Devin and the rest of the team.
"I should actually be going. Are you going to be ok?" Even as I say the words, I know I have no intention of leaving. Not yet. No one will know I stayed, they will most likely spend the night in Baltimore, so they can stay up late working on the case.
"You could stay a little while, if you don't mind. I don't know if I'm ready to be alone yet." Her lip quivers as she speaks, and I want to pull her into my arms and hold her more than I've ever wanted anything. It's a new sensation, I've never felt so strongly about anyone. I'm afraid of my feelings for Carrie. I'm afraid of what will happen if I act on them; what the team and especially Devin will think of me.
"I could keep you company for a little while. At least until I know you're comfortable." I don't say what I really want to say, which is: I want to be yours.
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying
She's a sight to see
She's good to me
But I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing
And she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby
I leave my phone in the car. I don't want to have to answer Devin's calls or text messages. If I do, I'll have to lie to her, and I'm not ready to deal with the consequences of that.
You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you've got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together
For the first time in months, I feel guilty about shooting up. If the team knew I'd fallen off the wagon, I wouldn't be able to face them. I'm tired of all of the lies I've been telling by omission. I've been lying to everyone, maybe even to myself. Sitting on Carrie's couch, I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. She comes back downstairs, dressed in pajamas and carrying a pillow and a quilt that looks handmade.
"Thank you, Spencer."
"For what?" I know what, but I want to hear her charming Tennessee twang.
"For being here. For not thinking I'm weak after what happened today." She is still shaking.
"I know what it's like, and so do the others. This job isn't something you ever get used to. You just learn to hide your emotions." I want to open up to her, and I feel like I can. I can't explain why, but I feel more comfortable around her than anyone else, and I've only known her for a day.
She sits on the other end of the couch facing me, drawing her knees up to rest her chin on them. I shift sideways where I'm sitting, so that I'm also facing her. Finally I dare to look into her eyes, and am immediately captivated by lost, troubled look that seems to mirror the way I feel.
"Spencer," she begins, and I feel a shiver of pleasure in the way she says my name. "You can't always hide everything from everyone." She surprises me by reaching out for my hand. She pulls my arm toward herself and turns my hand palm up, pushing back my sleeve with her free hand. Her fingers rest in the hollow at the bend of my elbow. I don't even try to pull my arm away.
"You have to get clean." I nod, unable to reply to her simple, stern command. The compassion in her voice cuts into me, since I'm the one who's supposed to be here to comfort her. She softly drags her fingers down my arm as she lets go, and I immediately wish she were still holding on. "I can help you. I'm a medical doctor after all." Suddenly I realize she's not only worried about herself or the case. She wanted me to stay because in a single day of knowing me, she had noticed the truth I'd managed to hide from the rest of the team for almost a year.
I'm speechless. All I can do is wait for the tears to come, and give her my hand when she reaches for it.
I'm nice to you
I could make it through
But you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile
If you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me baby
I tell Carrie everything. I talk until I'm hoarse and she brings me a bottle of water. I let go of everything I've been carrying around and holding back for years. She sits patiently, holding my hand and looking me in the eyes while I talk. I don't understand how I can be this open with her when I can barely bring myself to talk to my best friends anymore, but I need this.
Because your candle burns too bright
Well I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well I'm tired of being down, I got no fight
I'm embarrassed when I realize I've been rambling for hours. I wipe my eyes.
"I should let you get some sleep."
Carrie grabs my arm and stops me from standing up.
"Stay with me." I'm mentally exhausted after my breakdown, and can't read the expression in her eyes, but I'm not ready to leave the comfort I feel when I'm near her.
You're wonderful
And it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
"I won't tell anyone." Carrie hands me the pillow. As I stretch out on my side on the couch, she surprises me again by lying down, pressing herself as close as she can to me to avoid falling off the couch. I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer. With her head resting on my chest, I feel an old familiar empty space inside me slowly filling up.
"I have to leave early in the morning, so I can go home before work," I whisper into her hair. Her body warms me more than the quilt ever could. I hadn't realized how cold I've been lately.
"I set an alarm." I want to kiss her goodnight, but I'm afraid I'm already in over my head. I want to be here; I want to be lying here with her in my arms, but what happens when I have to face the team in the morning?
I wake from a sound, dreamless sleep for the first time since I can remember. I reach for the coffee table and turn the alarm off, careful not to push Carrie into the floor.
"Already?" she mumbles, burying her face against my chest. I hold her tightly for a few seconds, breathing in the apple scent of her shampoo.
And if I went with you
I'd disappoint you too
Well I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby