Walter James Tyson Longmire was a complicated man. Always would be. But he just wanted a simple life. But he didn't get one. He wanted to live out his life in peace, but fate wouldn't leave him alone.
He once had a beautiful, healthy wife, a quiet young daughter and was the Sheriff in a sleepy little cow town in Wyoming. But then tragedy would visit his family. And crime would visit his county.
His daughter grew up and had a mind of her own. She was certainly no longer quiet. Walt was astonished to realize that she was very opinionated and was also probably smarter than her dad.
Then his wife took ill with cancer. Then, as if that weren't enough, she was murdered. That took the wind out of Walt's sails. He would later say that he was knocked off his axis. His own internal gyroscope that provided him with stabilization and velocity was forever altered.
The Casino, which Walt and his wife had vehemently opposed, opened up on the nearby Rez, and all hell broke loose. Or so Walt thought.
And then along came Vic, his new Deputy. Vic was smart and tough and never took any crap from anyone, including Walt. She was dedicated to her work and to the people around her. After a time, there grew a remarkable bond between Vic and Walt. They were able to communicate a great deal with just a glance at each other. Vic was a great cop and partner to Walt, in more than the most obvious of ways.
Unlike his friend Henry, Walt had never been a ladies man. He had dated a few women in college and then had settled down in a happy marriage to his sweetheart, Martha. But then she died an unnatural and premature death.
After his wife died, everyone encouraged Walt to date again and look for love. After some pressure, he had a one-night (two session) stand with a nice local woman, Lizzie Ambrose. This encounter shocked Walt. He did enjoy the moment, but not the repercussions. He wasn't the kind of man who did that sort of thing. He felt guilty about it, as though he had used Lizzie for his own pleasure. He supposed that was true, but he didn't like that. He wanted more than pleasure. He didn't want to be that way. So he plodded along, still alone. He didn't think he was lonely, but the others did. The pressure began to build again. From the inside and the outside.
Throughout all of this, Walt would occasionally allow himself to indulge in thoughts of Vic, his pretty Deputy. But she was married at the time. And he could never bring himself to act upon these thoughts.
And then along came Donna. Well, she didn't really come along. Walt was pushed towards her by a force that he didn't really care for. He went along for the ride for a while. But then didn't want to be a passenger on that particular bus. He thought he might be able to steer the bus towards Vic, but she was in the driver's seat. It took Walt a long time to figure out why he spent any time at all with Donna when he could be spending his time with Vic.
The situation with Donna had been tumultuous. Walt was compelled to examine himself and his motives and the entire situation. Although it took him some time to realize it, Tamar Smith's attack on Walt and Donna at the cabin, was like a crossroad for Walt. Obviously it had been a traumatic and unpleasant event. But after some time had lapsed and Walt had time to heal a bit, he had time for some reflection. The attack, in retrospect, had also enabled Walt to make a crucial decision. It served as his breaking point, after which he seemed to be guided down a particular path. He realized that his relationship with Donna was no longer possible. It was no longer valid. It had reached its conclusion after it barely got started.
Before
Walt's first encounter with Donna was in her office at the VA clinic in Sheridan. Things didn't go that well. Walt arrived at her doorway moments after a patient had left in a fit of anger. Files and a desk lamp and a stapler were strewn on the office floor. It looked like a small tornado had briefly touched down and then had moved on. Donna looked flustered. Initially Walt had liked that look on her. He later allowed himself to fantasize a little, that she was flustered as a result of their encounter and not something that was work related.
Walt: "I thought she was kind of pretty. In a mature, school marm sort of way. She was flustered and a bit impatient with me. But I wasn't deterred."
Donna: "I thought he looked more like a cowboy than a Sheriff."
Their second encounter didn't go much better. Walt ended up accusing Donna of illegally distributing anti-depressant drugs to veterans in need who couldn't get help in any other way. In turn, Donna, in a defensive mode, had made a jab at Vic after a somewhat aggressively worded comment.
Walt: "Evidence seemed to point at Donna more than anyone. I was suspicious, but I don't think I came right out and accused her."
Vic: "I was being ASSERTIVE, not aggressive. And I don't have an aggression disorder!"
Donna: "The accusations were clear. I resented them. They were an affront to my professional conduct. And there IS something wrong that with that blond Deputy."
More time passed. Walt had always been a guilt-ridden liar. When it came to telling a lie, he adhered to a relatively strict code of conduct for himself. It was quite rigidly applied to his professional life, not so much to his personal life. He went to great lengths NOT to tell a lie to people when he was acting in his role of Sheriff. Most of the time. But sometimes he needed to protect someone. Sometimes he needed to get information. Sometimes he needed physical access, like on the Rez. He felt that those lies were justified.
But on a personal level, there were occasions when he felt it necessary to omit the truth when he was confronted. Or tell a bold faced lie when it served a purpose. In his mind he was able to compartmentalize this behaviour. To date, no one had ever cared enough about him to confront this side of him. And so he continued…
Vic looked over at Walt, who was negotiating the Bronco through a rain-soaked, pothole-ridden stretch of gravel road. They were on their way to a cattle ranch at the north end of the county to interview witnesses to a crime.
"Is that a new shirt?" Vic asked Walt, pretty sure she had not seen that one before. She also thought he had been wearing a denim shirt earlier that day, but now Walt had on a grey brushed flannel shirt. Walt looked over at Vic, a bit surprised, and said, "Well, I guess it is." He had no idea how or why Vic would have noticed that.
"Why did you change your shirt in the middle of the day?" Vic asked, a little indignant about not being included in the decision. She felt that way about things with Walt sometimes. And he let her get away with it for the most part.
"I dunno. I guess I felt like it," Walt replied, annoyed at the intrusion.
"Hmmph," replied Vic. She thought about it for a while. Nah, she thought to herself. Couldn't be. She looked over at Walt for a minute. "Hey. Are you seeing someone?" she asked, annoying Walt even further. He had hoped she would drop her line of questioning.
Walt felt guilty. But not guilty enough to NOT lie about it. "What…No," he lied, feeling no particular need to reveal personal details to Vic at this time. Walt was hoping to run into Donna at the hospital where he knew she was holding a drop-in counselling clinic for veterans. That was why he changed his shirt. Vic, not entirely convinced that Walt was being truthful, decided to leave the matter alone for the time being.
Walt: "I came to the realization that I lied about Donna to Vic because it didn't feel real. There was nothing substantive to it. There wasn't enough substance to what we had, or what we were pretending to have, for me to feel the need to explain or defend it to Vic. The relationship felt like it never really got off the ground."
Vic: "I don't know…I suppose I felt that somehow Walt could have told me. We used to share a lot of stuff."
Walt and Vic had been a little annoyed with each other for a few days. Walt had been ignoring phone calls from Donna. Vic had figured out that the two of them were seeing each other secretly. She didn't really know how to deal with that. So, Vic, being Vic, decided to ask Walt directly about it. That didn't go so well and led to a tense conversation one day when the pair exchanged heated words. They were in a back alley trying to find Henry's truck which had been stolen.
They had talked about bringing on a new deputy on a permanent basis since they had been chronically shorthanded after Branch died. So Walt had suggested Eamonn who had worked for them for several weeks recently, when Walt was away on a leave of absence after shooting Barlow. But this seemed to rub Vic the wrong way. In a reactive mode, she had exaggerated somewhat and implied that she was in a 'relationship' with Eamonn, even though they really only had a one-night stand. She didn't Walt to hire him, although she could not explain why she felt that way. Walt, in typical fashion, and vague as usual, ratcheted it up a notch and answered Vic's enquiry about his personal life, with a terse 'none of your business' reply. Neither of them had really intended to speak that harshly to each other, but they did. They were both in a reactive mood. With each other…
Walt: "I regret that I was so harsh with Vic when she asked about my relationship with Donna. Vic and I HAD been close in the past and I think in that instance, that it made sense for her to ask about it all. I suppose I was jealous about Eamonn, because he seemed to like to flirt with Vic around the office. And I knew that they had worked closely together when I was away on leave. I was a bit angry too I suppose; no one came by to see me out at the cabin, the entire time I was on leave. Ruby left a couple of phone messages, but that was it. So I sort of imagined them all rearranging the office and doing things without me and not even missing me. Vic implied it, and so them I really thought that she and Eamonn were dating, but I learned later that it wasn't the case. It was unfair of me to push her away like that. I was scared by my feelings and I didn't know how to act on them. Unfortunately, Eamonn became a bit of an easy target."
Vic: "That time in the alley when we were looking for Henry's truck was nasty. I don't know why, actually, that I said that I was in a relationship with Eamonn. Who knows, maybe I wanted to make Walt feel jealous? The thought had occurred to me that maybe Eamonn was actually jealous of Walt? Or a wee bit jealous of whatever kind of relationship I had with Walt. Eamonn and I had just the one night. He was a nice guy, a good cop and all, and decent, but it didn't mean anything. I had just gotten divorced and hadn't slept with anyone but Sean for years and it was enticing, liberating. I was angry with Walt and maybe just wanted to be contrary. He'd risked his life to save me from Chance Gilbert. No wait, to save Sean and me, both. So then when I told him that Sean wanted me to quit my job, Walt basically said that it didn't matter to him, he'd lost and replaced deputies before. Basically that I didn't matter. Then Walt, while serving me divorce papers, tells me that he wants me to stay. Flipped just like that! I thought he meant personally, not just me staying for the job. So then I'm thinking that maybe he liked me and could finally admit it. I liked him. But then he flips and right after that, he gets all weird and starts going after Donna. It was really weird, like he was acting that way because he thought he should (to please someone), or maybe he wanted to make me jealous? I don't know. Maybe he thought that dating a psychiatrist was impressive or something. It didn't seem like Walt. I thought he had feelings for me. That really hurt. I'd worked hard for him, had been a good cop, I'd been loyal and I thought we'd kinda built a good friendship in there too. It hurt and I felt that I didn't deserve that."
The first good night's sleep that Walt had in several years was right after he had been forced to kill Barlow. And in that peaceful sleep, Walt had a dream about Donna. It was a pleasantly bland dream. There was nothing in the dream that made him uncomfortable at the time although he did wake up with a start. He would think about it a lot later. It was bland but somehow complex. It was almost as though it was a dream about MARTHA. But in the dream it was DONNA in his kitchen, standing there by the stove, wearing one of Martha's house dresses. And it wasn't just any old house dress. It was one of her older ones, that was a bit faded, and one which she never wanted anyone but Walt to see her in. Walt thought that was odd, that Donna would be wearing that dress, rather than an article of clothing that was her own. And that it was a dress that Martha would not want anyone to see her in. It was an intriguing but unsettling dream (did it mean that Martha didn't want Walt to see Donna – or was it Martha sending a sign to Walt that it was time he start dating again?). Walt tried to talk to Henry about the dream, but that led to a boxing ring and a bloody nose, and was of no help to Walt at all. Henry had never been one to ridicule, but he was known for a bit of teasing and Walt didn't really want to go there with Henry. So in the end, it was a relief that Henry's interpretation of Walt's weird dream did not materialize. But Walt would puzzle over that dream for a good long while. And of course, he would never mention it to Donna.
The Donna-dream-woman was an archetypal female representation for Walt, although perhaps he didn't realize it. She was a stand-in for the women of his past, with Martha being the most recent and certainly the most significant of them all. So when he woke up from this dream, a startled Walt took it as a sign that maybe he should learn more about Donna. Maybe it was Martha telling him that Donna, being a bit older and more mature, was more suitable for Walt than Vic was. Although at the time, Walt would not have admitted to anyone that sometimes he had thoughts about Vic. And then there was Ruby. Dear Ruby…in some ways she was like a mother figure to Walt. She had caught him using her computer to look up information and photos of Donna. And then had encouraged him to pursue Donna and maybe somehow made him feel that she was giving her tacit approval, a bit like Martha would have.
Walt: "At first I took the dream to mean that I liked Donna and should 'pursue' her. Ask her out on a date, I mean. And Ruby had encouraged me. But then I realized that Donna was just a stand-in for someone else. Like a place holder. I knew I couldn't have Martha…that she was gone. And of course, Vic would never be the type of woman who stood at the sink demurely, wearing a house dress, doing the dishes. My vision of Vic doing the dishes would be her standing there in her usual t-shirt and jeans, snapping a towel at anyone who might step within range. But in the end, it was always about Vic. She represented everything to me."
Walt had been trying to get Donna to go out to dinner with him for some time. Eventually she agreed. It was a new Thai restaurant in Sheridan. At least it wasn't a meal at one of those ubiquitous steak houses dotted around Wyoming. Unfortunately it wasn't that good. And it was a bit awkward. Walt was nervous. He hadn't gone out on a real date in decades. He had no idea what the modern protocols for dating were. And Donna always seemed to be distracted. Since he was leaving the county, Walt had left contact information with the office in case of emergency. Part way through the meal, Walt had received a call at the front counter from Ferg, regarding a house fire that appeared to be arson. So, Walt felt compelled to wrap up his dinner date early to go check out the fire scene before any evidence was compromised. The insurance coverage would be messed up if a senior member of the ASD did not respond to the scene. Walt didn't think that the date had gone that well. Both he and Donna seemed distracted by problems at work. And again, the food wasn't that good.
Walt: "Well, at least she said yes. Even though we were interrupted. I'm hopeful we can try again."
Donna: "It was ok. Not great. At least he's civilized and knows how to use a knife and fork. And chopsticks. And it wasn't a steak house."
Time lapsed. Walt was uneasy. Donna and Walt had been 'seeing' each for a while, but you would not have said that their relationship was progressing smoothly. Their interest in each other was not equal. Walt seemed pleased but Donna seemed somewhat disinterested. And their busy schedules meant that each had to cancel several of their 'dates'. Walt, in particular, was overtaxed. Pressure had been building inside Walt regarding the civil trial, and regarding several other ongoing cases that were difficult to resolve. Walt had grown frustrated with the Gab Langton rape case and what looked like vigilante action by a new Hector. Bits and pieces of hearsay had morphed into some real evidence. Walt had been able to eliminate some Hector suspects and several lines of enquiry were taking him to Henry. Things between Walt and Henry had gotten a bit heated one night at the Red Pony. Walt had finally ended up accusing Henry of being the new Hector, administering justice on the Rez where none existed. These accusations had led to a vicious fist fight with Walt and Henry duking it out at the Red Pony. Both men had been held overnight in temporary custody under Mathias' charge and had eventually been let go. A very weary and sore Walt had dragged himself home at dawn to take a shower and change his clothes. To his surprise, he had found Donna sitting on his porch waiting for him. She was initially concerned about the cuts and bruises on his face but Walt wanted no sympathy from her. It was a bit odd – had Walt encountered Vic, he might have allowed a little sympathy or a vodka-soaked towel for his wounds. But not from Donna. And then Donna confessed the reason for her being at the cabin - that she was compelled to testify at the upcoming civil trial. For reasons that Walt did not understand, he found himself putting his cowboy hat on Donna's head. It didn't fit, of course, since it was a very large hat, and it slipped down on Donna's head and looked decidedly unattractive. Walt immediately regretted that intimate act. Donna didn't even seem to realize that it was a significant act for a 'cowboy' to let a woman wear his hat. It confirmed that Donna never quite made him feel like she was closely tied to him, even though they both had admitted they considered themselves to be in a dedicated dating situation.
Walt: "I regretted doing that. Right away I realized that it felt wrong. I should have reserved that privilege, no, that ancient TRADITION, for Vic. When Cady was little, of course she wanted to try on her daddy's hat. But these days, she's chasing her own cowboys. My hat now is reserved solely for Vic."
Donna: "I don't know why he put his hat on me. It didn't even fit."
Henry: "It has been a very long time since I have seen Walt that angry. I had also forgotten how hard Walt can punch. His blows have hurt me more than just physically. Even though I WAS acting as Hector, I lied to Walt because I knew my actions would hurt him and his sense of justice. And I thought it would bring him more trouble."
Later on, Walt would have an important conversation with Donna. In the end, it turned out to be not so important that the conversation was actually with Donna, rather than with someone else. But she was a psychiatrist and maybe a good sounding board and their relationship had evolved ever so slightly that Walt felt comfortable broaching the subject. It became a pivotal moment for Walt, trying to organize some of the chaos in his mind. It was within this conversation that Donna conveyed to Walt that he could be forgiven for killing Barlow, even though she didn't know the details of what had transpired with the two of them. Barlow was a particularly bad man, which Donna knew nothing of. Walt also took this as a sign – this time as a sign from Martha that it was ok for Walt to move forward with his life. Because Walt had finally solved her murder. Donna served as a catalyst. A kind of sounding board through which Walt could work out the last of his sorrow and guilt over losing Martha. Walt had lost her initially to the cancer, over which he had no control, and then again he had lost her to a violent man whom Walt SHOULD have been able to stop. As a Sheriff, Walt felt tremendous shame and guilt over losing his wife Martha to a murderer, rather than to the cancer, which had already been at the front of the line, waiting to take her life.
Walt could have used the sympathy card with Donna, letting out some details about Barlow's evil deeds, but that wasn't like Walt. It was unfathomable that Barlow would kill his own son. Walt had the feeling that, at times, Branch had felt like a son to him. And at times, Walt had felt like a bit of a father figure to Branch. Branch's death had been a devastating blow. And thus, Barlow deserved what he got in the end. Walt's killing of Barlow had lifted a tremendous weight off his shoulders. In ways he couldn't even describe.
Maybe once the weight had been lifted, it freed Walt up to come to the conclusion that he loved Vic. And that life was too short for you to be dating someone who meant nothing to you.
Walt, very deep down, perhaps only at a subconscious level, didn't want to connect with Donna in that way. At times, he still felt that some of the issues relating to Martha's death were intensely private. After some time, Walt had been able to open up about it all with Vic and he sometimes felt that it was something unique that they shared, but it wasn't anything that he wanted to share with Donna. She was a shrink after all, but Walt doubted that she would be warm enough to offer any particularly helpful insight to him.
Walt: "Maybe deep down inside of me, I didn't believe that Donna had the kind of genuine empathy that Vic had. I have worried, at times, that maybe I've burdened Vic with too many of my own problems. But she's always been there for me, even if I hadn't asked that of her. And she's never complained. And I never felt that Vic was judging me. I never really felt that Donna wanted to be burdened with any of it at all."
Donna: "I wondered what this Barlow guy had done."
Vic: "I felt bad, really bad, for Walt. I don't know if he'll ever feel any sort of resolution about Martha's death. I don't know how Walt would be able to stay at the cabin where Barlow died. Well, I guess, where Barlow was killed. Aw, hell, let's just say died. He got what was coming to him, for what he did to Martha and Branch. For what he did to all of us."
After
After the attack by Tamar, Donna's abduction and Walt nearly dying from his gunshot wounds, things changed. You would think that after a shared traumatic event, it might have pulled Walt and Donna closer together, but it actually pulled them apart. It seemed like it was difficult and time consuming for them to finally get together, and then it seemed rather easy for them to unravel.
Donna was tired of stringing Walt along. And she had secrets to keep that she didn't want Walt to feel entitled to pry into. She was relieved that Walt would recede from view and she could avoid his queries.
Walt felt unsettled when they decided to end the relationship, but he knew in his heart that it was the right thing to do.
After Donna was saved and Tamar had been arrested, the last of the investigation had been concluded. Walt's cabin was no longer deemed to be a crime scene and he could return home. Walt could get the rest that he needed and he could begin to process some of what had recently transpired. Some of his memory was returning, although not all of it.
After the attack, the cabin needed attention. Henry was kind enough to come out one Saturday afternoon and help Walt put things back together. He knew that Walt had not yet recovered mentally or physically, but this would not be mentioned. Henry repaired the lock and hinges on the front door, and mopped up the gruesome blood stains that led all the way from the bedroom to the front door. Henry shuddered at the sight of all that blood. He realized how badly injured Walt had been. Walt tidied up the kitchen and living room and washed all the bedding.
The two talked quietly about topics unrelated to Donna or the crime scene. Walt was grateful for the assistance. He was physically drained and had not worked nearly as hard on the cabin as Henry had. He was also glad that Henry did not try to direct the conversation to be about Donna. After Henry had departed, Walt had one more batch of washing to attend to…
Always the gentleman, Walt paid extra care to the clothing that Donna had left at his cabin when they were 'interrupted'. He wanted to return the bra and linen vest to Donna. He hand washed them both with care, but only put the vest on the clothes line outside to dry, so as to not offend Donna or anyone who might happen by. No one would ever know about this extra consideration but Walt. He dried the bra inside the cabin. He wouldn't even tell Donna about it all. She probably wouldn't think to ask about it.
Henry: "Walt has been through the ringer. I am not sure that he and Donna were meant to be together. Donna always seemed to be so guarded. Walt seemed to be out of his element with her. I always thought Walt and Vic made a good team and Vic helped Walt feel more happy…more grounded in real life….enjoying what matters."
Walt: "Well, would you want your underwear hanging out on someone else's clothes line? I wouldn't. I wanted to let Donna have the privacy that she deserved (that she didn't get when my cabin became a crime scene)."
Even though it felt, particularly to Walt, like the relationship was going nowhere after the attack, he and Donna were still going back and forth to each other's places now and then.
Walt had been invited to go to Donna's for a drink one night after work. He didn't feel like it, but was being polite. They hadn't seen it other for several days. He especially didn't feel like it when Donna served him a glass of red wine which he subsequently knocked over on the kitchen island. Their dates seemed to be doomed. After some small talk on the couch, Donna had made overtures to Walt and hinted that he spend the night with her at her townhouse. Walt was very uptight about that and embarrassed by it and had asked if it would be ok if they wait. Donna did not press the issue, but both would ask themselves later on…"wait for what?" (a flood, famine, a tornado, the arrival of a new puppy?). At the time, Walt had explained that he and Martha had 'waited' (to have sex) until after they were married. Donna, although she said nothing, thought that was really odd, since she and Walt were trying to have sex when Tamar burst in on them at the cabin. Walt had made it all sound sincere though.
Walt: "I'm glad Donna and I never had sex. It just didn't feel right. I guess I sort of kept her at bay because I really wanted to wait until the time was right so I could make love to Vic. Even though at times, I didn't know whether that would ever have been possible. Still though, I wanted it to be with Vic."
Donna: "I thought that Walt's supposed modesty was a bit corny. He probably would have been ok in bed though."
Not long after Donna was rescued and things had quieted down for everyone, Vic tore a strip off Donna one day in Walt's office after she discovered that Donna had been ignoring Walt's many calls to her. Vic thought that the dressing-down in Walt's office was ironic. They had run into Donna several times at that church where the drugs had been hidden. That would have perhaps been a better place, thought Vic, for Donna to atone for her sins.
Vic had seen Walt, barely out of the hospital, still bleeding from his bullet wounds, and reeling from the concussion, exhaust himself trying to find Donna. And then afterwards, Donna seemed to blow him off when he tried repeatedly to contact her. Vic made sure that Donna heard how Walt had been to hell and back to find her, but Donna showed no consideration for him and what he had sacrificed. Of course it was a very awkward conversation, with Vic doing most of the talking. But Donna had gotten the message and subsequently realized that she was being disrespectful to Walt. And realized that Vic was clearly in love with her boss and was fiercely protective of him. So then Donna came to appreciate Vic's loyalty and concern just a little bit.
Later on, Donna would apologize to Walt for not returning his phone calls to her. And for not recognizing the supreme effort Walt (and Vic and Ferg) had made to find her. Donna also mentioned to Walt that it was Vic who clarified all of these details for Donna, in a fashion typical of Vic. Donna also mentioned that it appeared that Vic had a thing for Walt. After Donna's comment about Vic, Walt began to think of Vic again, in a particularly admirable way. A tiny kernel of hope had lain dormant inside of him all this time. Maybe if other people were noticing things about Vic, it might be ok for Walt to think about her again too.
Vic: "I saw how desperate Walt was to find Donna. Even though I wasn't convinced she was right for him… but it wasn't my call. But the effort he made was so admirable. I couldn't see what he saw in her, and yet he was so dedicated to making sure she was ok. And then she treated him like shit. I couldn't let her get away with that. Someone had to defend him. I knew he wouldn't defend himself."
Donna: "Clearly Vic has feelings for Walt. And I didn't realize how much Walt had sacrificed to find me."
Walt: "I was just glad that Donna was ok."
A few days later at Walt's cabin, Donna was a bit cruel. She told Walt that she was pregnant, even though she knew that they had been interrupted while they attempted to have sex. She knew that they had not completed the act, but had rather cruelly teased Walt about it. He was still suffering from the after effects of the concussion, with some headaches and memory loss. He couldn't recall all the details of their interrupted evening together at the cabin. But Walt, always the gentleman, immediately offered to marry Donna and support her and the baby. It was like it was a psychological experiment, Donna preying at his memory loss and sense of decency and duty. She had actually laughed about it all, while he sat there on the couch, feeling puzzled. Not only about the sex, but the non-pregnancy.
Donna: "He was so silly about it all. Asking me to marry me like that. We didn't even have sex and yet he made a ridiculous offer of marriage."
Walt: "I actually thought that maybe we had been able to make love, not just have sex. I guess that was only in my dreams. But we didn't and I couldn't remember anything. I just wanted to do the right thing."
Walt's thoughts for Vic were growing stronger. It seemed like all roads were leading him back to Vic. There was substance in those thoughts and dreams. And it felt right to him. In contrast, everything with Donna had been superficial. The odds were moving more in favour of Vic, rather than Donna.
There was a lot for Walt to digest. At long last, he had figured out who had killed Martha. It turned out to be Barlow, who had also killed his own son, Branch. It made Walt sick to think that Barlow was responsible for two deaths. Each of the two losses felt different to Walt. In life, these people each meant something unique to him. And thus their deaths also meant something completely unique and significant to Walt. And Walt had not overlooked that Branch would always hold a special place in Cady's heart, and the loss was significant to her as well.
Walt found himself thinking about Vic and of high school science. Magnets and Chemistry, specifically. Maybe people were like magnets. At times, the attraction was intense. At other times, when the polarities were reversed, people repelled each other. Like when he was with Vic and Donna. He and Vic definitely had chemistry and they also attracted each other. He guessed that in the end, he and Donna had repelled each other.
Walt: "Maybe the key is to monitor the magnets. Make sure the attraction is always there. There has to be some magnetism, some attraction or it won't work. Vic and I definitely had that going for us."
Walt really liked music. He was a natural and talented piano player and was pretty good at bass guitar. And he liked to sing, but really only in private. And he wasn't very good at remembering the lyrics to contemporary songs he heard on the radio. But he knew what he liked. Even though he typically didn't put much thought into whatever story a song was trying to tell. He left that kind of interpretation or inspiration up to other people. On long drives that were sometimes a necessary part of their jobs, Vic would sometimes play him a song that she really liked on her phone. She had a pretty nice voice and liked to sing along. On rare occasions, when he felt relaxed, he would sing along with her. She really liked it when that happened. He did too. Walt really liked it when they did something together that just felt right, and that you didn't have to discuss or explain it. And it was private and not embarrassing.
There was a song that Walt heard sometimes, by, he thought, an Australian country singer named Keith…something… It was a strong, upbeat song. There was a line that kept playing in his head when he thought about Vic…"and it's gonna take a little time…but you're gonna see that I was born to love you…look in the mirror…you're beautiful…so beautiful." That was a good song, he thought. Maybe I can get to play it on her phone.
Walt: "Donna would probably say that this was stupid."
Vic: "I wish I could get Walt to relax a bit more. Like when we sing in the Bronco. He seems happy when we do that sometimes. He can relax when no one else is around."
It upset him a little to think that maybe his interest in Vic grew only because things didn't work out with Donna. He found himself making comparisons between the two women.
Vic's youthfulness and brashness sometimes irritated him. Had even angered him once or twice. But then he had to admit that at least with Vic, it was an open and honest situation. If she were mad about something, the storm clouds would gather and the storm would erupt, but then would quickly blow over. He had always felt free to express himself, even in his fumbling awkward way and although Vic teased him at times, it was never mean spirited. Spirited yes, but not mean. With Vic, he was free to get an issue out in the open and then over with. With Donna though, it was like she was a closed book. Never an open book – never revealing anything of herself and almost misleading him at times. Deceptive too. Evasive at times. She was always busy and yet hardly ever revealed what she was busy doing. He always felt so guarded around Donna and puzzled, like there were secrets that would never be shared with him. With Vic though, after the storms, which were rare, the sun would come out and the air was fresh and clean, open and honest. Like everyone, Vic was imperfect. But she was unafraid of confrontation, particularly unafraid to get to the root of the problem, and unafraid of being honest about it, even if it hurt.
Walt realized that Vic was everything that Donna was not. He remembered the song again. It was by Keith Urban and it was called The Fighter. Walt did feel inspired by the song and suddenly felt that Vic was worth fighting for.
Walt: "Maybe Donna was just a dream. She wasn't real at all. Completely unattainable. And I don't even feel really bad about it. That it didn't work out."
Vic: "At least with me, he knew what he was getting into. But with Donna, it was all a big secret. Initially I didn't say this to Walt because I didn't want it looking like I was jealous. But after we investigated Donna and her son, I had to admit that there was something secretive about her. Like there was something in her past that she was hiding. Ferg felt it too."
Much later on, after he and Donna had broken off their incomplete relationship, Walt would ask himself why he never bothered to tell Donna that he had killed Barlow because Barlow had killed his own son and Walt's wife. That was a pretty significant event and it seemed a bit odd to Walt that Donna didn't even mean enough to her, for him to have told her. He realized how much of a closed off person Donna was. She never invited any emotional intimacy from him.
Donna was the first NEW woman that Walt had met around that time. Meeting her and talking to her was liberating in a sense, because she knew nothing of the baggage that he carried around. And so he felt somewhat compelled to pursue Donna instead of Vic, whose divorce was barely complete. Walt thought that he might have been seen as damaged goods to Vic, even though for a time things seemed positive and they enjoyed a good rapport. And Vic had been really supportive, like a friend. She had never said that she thought he was tired or worn out, from carrying around all that sorrow and bad feelings. But then again, he had never asked her how she felt about him, so some of that was still a mystery. So this had all conspired to lead him to think that with Donna there was the possibility of a fresh start. But it only felt like that for a short period of time.
In the end, Walt concluded that he had been interested in Donna, because it seemed like the right time and she was the right age and was in a respected profession. And, in a way, Ruby had encouraged it, and strange as it sounded, he felt that Martha might have encouraged it, had she been able to. It was important for Walt to have Martha and Ruby's approval.
But Walt concluded for himself that he loved Vic. And he really LIKED her as well. He didn't need anyone's approval to feel that way. He truly felt liberated when he made this realization. He felt like he had been set free from convention. And restriction. And he could get back to making his own decisions without intervention from other people.
Ferg: "I would never want to pry into Walt's private life, but I would have to say that I don't think Donna was a good match for him. Her interest never seemed to be on Walt. She seemed constantly distracted. Vic and I both thought that she had something in her background that she kept hidden. There was some deceit. I thought that Walt deserved better and frankly I'm thrilled that he and Vic are together. They are very happy."
Ruby: "I'm happy that Walter is with Vic now. I feel bad that I pressured him to ask Donna out. She was superficially involved with him, but was never really engaged. She never made the same amount of effort that he did. I think she was unsuitable for him. At first Vic seemed to be an unlikely candidate. But she's helped put back the pieces of his life for him and they are like emotional ballast for each other. And I've seen the sparks fly when those two are together. I love them both dearly and am happy they are together."
Donna: "I don't know what all the fuss was about. We dated a few times but it didn't work out. Turns out that he's not my type. I had better luck with that banker I dated…or was it the lawyer?"
Henry: "I have the utmost regard for Vic. She is the love of Walt's life now and I can see the sparkle in his eyes and the spring in his step when he is with her. I did not have the opportunity to get to know Donna, but from what I have heard, she was not suitable for Walt. He needs more from a woman and Vic is that woman."
Cady: "My Dad is totally happy now and so is Vic. They are quite the pair! I know my Mom's death made him stop living for a long time. The anger within him is mostly gone now – the little bit that is left is mostly reserved for drunk drivers and drug dealers. Vic makes him feel more youthful and he makes her feel more mature. Is that a weird thing to say? I know my Mom would be really happy for my Dad."
Vic: "I'm relieved that this thing with Donna is over. I don't think I was jealous of her. For a long time there, some people thought that there was something going on between Walt and me. Ok, maybe a tiny part of me was jealous of her. Donna seemed to make Walt more secretive, less open and that felt unnatural to me. And I really do believe that there's something she's been hiding from people…something from her past, something to worry about. I guess we'll never know. I'm completely happy to be with Walt now. You know…we never discussed what happened with Lizzie Ambrose that night years ago. I was worried about this guy who was stalking me, and Walt had invited me to stay at his cabin where I'd be safe. I was sleeping on the couch and Lizzie came to the cabin one night. She barged right in, and accused Walt, who she was dating, of having an affair with me. We denied it, of course, since it wasn't true. But Lizzie let fly with a comment that I was never able to forget. She accused Walt of still being in love with Martha (ok, I'm paraphrasing here because the way Lizzie worded it, was rude). I think that all was true at the time, and is still true to this day. Of course he loves Martha – he always will. And then Lizzie accused him of not being able to give himself to her because he was saving it all for me. At the time I was still married. And we all know that Walt is a very honourable man who would never mess with a married woman. But it gave me something to think about. Like maybe on a subconscious level, Walt and I WERE sort of looking at each other with a bit of interest, but we never acted on it until recently. I've been divorced now for 2 years. Maybe having to wait for something makes it more delicious? Walt makes me feel appreciated and much loved. It's genuine and very welcome. I love him deeply and feel like my life is complete. I probably shouldn't say this, but he's a wonderful lover! Cady isn't going to see this is she?"
Walt: "It was a pretty confusing time for me. I think in my heart, I wanted to be with Vic all along. But there were impediments in the way. That made the most sense to me, to be with Vic. But at that time, it felt like there was a bit of pressure on me to look for a woman who was more my age and of my own demographic. Donna was nice enough but never seemed engaged in what I had hoped would be a meaningful relationship. It was as though our dating was a frivolous thing for her, like something to fill the time. But what I feel with Vic is grounded in real feelings, real commitment, real love, real substance. I don't care about the difference in our ages, or backgrounds. She makes me feel like I'm alive again, that life is worth living, and to the fullest. Sure, I live a little more on the edge with Vic. She sure keeps me on my toes. But that's exciting. And a bit scary. It's like being on a roller coaster ride – you're terrified but exhilarated. And then after the ride is over, you feel really good. Energized, enlightened, grateful. Everything feels better when I'm with her – the air feels fresher, the sun is warmer, colours seem brighter, I enjoy more music, a little more dancing, less beer, more exercise (and great sex, he thought to himself). Everyone around me tells me that I seem happier and more at peace. But I wouldn't say that being with Vic is more peaceful (he lets out a big laugh), but I think I'm more centered, more thoughtful, more appreciative, and invigorated. And I savour life a lot more now. And it's all thanks to Vic!"
Being in love and with Vic was the culmination of everything in life that mattered to Walt. Vic represented the deliverance that Walt needed to live out his life fully and completely. He was finally fulfilled.