You know we weren't always like this. We loved each other with every part of our hearts. Now, after everything…we've become nothing but this toxic agreement. We had both had a little more than our fair share of drinks tonight so I knew for sure I would get to see some sort of the man I once loved. At least I thought I would. Instead, I was left trying to kiss and feel someone who was barely in the room with me. He looked as if he were a million miles away. His eyes were lifeless, not the beautiful green they used to be. His eyes were always the most green when he played his piano, or when he was with me. Now they're flat, dull, and hollow. I try anyway hoping I can catch a glimpse of the man he used to be.
I started to unbutton his jeans and moved my mouth from his neck to his mouth. He kissed me back, but not like he was kissing the person he loved. He was kissing me like it was an act…one we had been doing for so long and he was just going along with the routine. I knew that what had happened would change everything, but I didn't think it would turn him into another man. Almost like a stranger. I felt a little lonelier tonight than usual. Maybe it was being at that party and seeing everyone we had grown up with and their happy lives filled with beautiful homes, cars, and children. Having a family was always what we wanted. Of course it would be the thing that got taken away. So, me feeling lonely, I knew I had to do something to get a reaction out of him. Even if it would be a bad one…as I knew it would be.
He was still kissing me and with the lack of reaction from him I stopped him and moved my mouth to his ear and whispered, "You know you could at least pretend like your still attracted to me. Maybe I should have gone home with mike when he asked me to tonight." I knew it would be a matter of seconds before I could see the life come back into him. He jerked up and paced across the floor, his hands running threw his sunset hair, eyes closed, and his mouth half open like he wanted to say something. Instead, he turned and left the room. I wasn't going to let this end here. I had already let it loose –his rage- and I was at least going to enjoy the little piece of him I would get to see.
His face was flooded with red, bronze hair disheveled, and his eyes were what the color green would look like if you could set it on fire."There you are." I whispered to myself. He was alluring. Call me crazy but this was always his most beautiful to me. I snapped out of my awe and came back to reality and remembered why he was standing here so red. "I'm sorry but it's not like you don't have all of these insecurities of your own." I turned away from him not wanting to see his face because I knew what that comment would do. I could automatically feel his burning eyes on me…waiting for his anger to consume him entirely.
The only difference between his insecurities and my own were that I flaunted mine whereas he tried to hide his and sometimes denied he had them at all. I wanted his anger, I craved it. I would purposely be sure to tell him if a guy talked to me, or got a little too close. I needed a reaction from him. It was the only time I could get one and if jealousy was what I needed him to feel –to feel anything at all- then I would make him feel it.
His fiery eyes looked at me threw thick lashes and like he could read my mind he asked, "Do you do this on purpose? Do you want me to act this way? It's like you enjoy watching me destroy myself." He was still pacing…mumbling to himself. I knew everything he said was right. Well, mostly everything. I didn't like to watch him suffer. I loved him. I just wanted to see him alive…not this shell of a person he has been since…since everything happened. Instead like the coward I am, I lie. "Why would I want you to be this way? You really think I do this on purpose? You know, you're such a selfish-"
"Are you going to shut up and fuck me or not?" I stopped and stared at him. It was the first time he had shown me such strong emotion since everything had happened. "What did you just say to me?"I had to ask to be sure. "I said are you going to shut the fuck up and fuck me or are you going to stand here arguing with me all night like a fucking child?" I couldn't help but just stare at him. The words I wanted to say just wouldn't come out. He hadn't been this passionate about…anything in a very long time. "Oh here we go. Typical Bella…let's start an argument but not finish it. Because we all know she's not going to take the blame for anything." Before he could get another word out, my lips were crashing into his so hard that we both fell to the ground. I had never been more attracted to him than I was at this moment. He was so wild, so excited, and so alive.
He turned me over and placed himself on top of me deepening the kiss. It felt like he was pouring everything he was into this kiss. One hand moved to the back of my neck while the other hand slid up my skirt to grab my ass. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and bit so hard he drew blood. I gasped for air, grabbing fistfuls of hair. He must have realized he had hurt me because he jerked his head up and looked into my eyes. The look on his face was…confused? Scared maybe? Traces of my blood were on his lips and there were fresh tears in his eyes. "Do you love me?" Did I love him? Of course I loved him, I had for 10 years. Did I love him the way he wanted me to? "Yes." I replied. Then he whispered so softly I didn't think he wanted me to hear, "Then why do you do this to me?"
I had no answer for his question. "Why do you torment me?" His voice was growing louder now…more urgent. "Do you want to be with me forever?" He didn't give me time to respond. "Fucking answer me Bella do you want to be with me or not?" It took a lot for Edward to scare me. "You know I want to be with you." I was scared now. The look in his eyes was enough to scare me tonight. "Then show me you love me." He asked me not because he needed reassurance. He knew I loved him. He asked me because he knew I was weak enough to say yes.