DISCLAIMER: I do not own Glee or any of its characters.
"You ready yet, loser?" Kitty demanded, her voice muffled through the bathroom door. Marley didn't respond right away. She was still staring at the mirror, deep into the eyes of her reflection.
When had she started to hate it, she wondered? She cocked her head to the side, watching as the girl in the mirror did the same—she could hardly call that waif in the mirror herself, it looked nothing like her. She wondered, did her friends notice the new prominence of her cheekbones? How her arms were basically nothing more than sticks, and her legs no better? That her hip bones stuck out from her body and the outline of her ribs could be seen?
Of course they didn't. She hid it. With her oversized sweaters and her high boots and knee socks and long skirts and pants. She had been hiding it for ages.
With that in mind, Marley remembered why she had been staring at the mirror in the first place. She picked at the dress that Kitty had made her put on—some skintight, super short sweater dress with black and white stripes of varying sizes running horizontal across her body. It was not something that Marley would have worn on a joke usually, but she hadn't had the energy to fight Kitty. Now she was wishing she had.
But it was all she had to wear now, and they were already running late. "Yeah," Marley sighed. "I'm almost ready. Give me a minute."
"We're supposed to be at Blaine's, like, now," Kitty pointed out, not holding back any bitchy feelings she had about Marley's dawdling. "There are no good parties now that all the seniors graduated last year—seriously, hurry up." Marley heard Kitty wandering around in the bedroom, something get picked up off a shelf and put back. "I'm giving you like two more minutes and then I'm leaving without you," Kitty called again.
Marley rolled her eyes and hurriedly tucked her skinny calves into some knee-high boots and zipped them up. There. With that and the black tights she had coerced Kitty into letting her wear, perhaps she could hide her thinness from her friends' prying eyes. She could do nothing about how tiny her body was, and how well that was exhibited by the dress's clinginess, but she hoped the horizontal stripes would be enough to create the illusion of a fuller figure.
It was weird, she knew, that she was spending all this time worrying about hiding how skinny she was when she went through all that she did to get skinny. But now, after her secret had already been revealed once before, she knew it wasn't okay for her to get caught. After she had collapsed at sectionals last year, every eye had followed her for weeks after, every person watching every bite of food she took. After a while though, even her closest friends stopped paying attention, trusting her again to take care of herself. And soon after that, she had convinced her mom to stop spending hundreds of dollars on therapy.
But it hadn't been a lie, not all the time. Marley had gotten better, she had been eating. For a blissful several months she had allowed herself to be happy and healthy.
When Jake had cheated on her and Bree paraded it under her nose, Marley had thought that she could die from the misery she felt. The betrayal of Jake had been enough to send her running for a toilet the instant he had confirmed it. She'd felt guilty, but it had relieved some of the pain and stress.
That's what it became—a stress-reliever. Any time she had felt overwhelmed or ashamed or embarrassed or unhappy in general, a finger to the back of her throat was sure to set her mood straight in no time.
She'd continued on like that for a few months, only doing it when she needed to, in times of extreme stress and pressure—such as the nationals competition, or watching the seniors graduate and realizing how much everyone would be relying on her the next year. She didn't lose that much weight, and no one was even a little suspicious.
Over the summer something changed. She barely noticed it at the time, but looking back, she saw that she had gradually gone up in purges. What had been necessary only once a month or so became more and more common. By July, she was vomiting every week—in August, when school started, it was two or three times a week. Soon, when glee started up again, she was sneaking away every day to puke. She had to do it more and more to keep herself calm, to keep her anxiety under control. And now here she was, New Year's Eve, and sometimes having to puke twice a day to control her anxiety. The skinniness had just been an unfortunate side effect.
I want to be perfect, Marley thought, staring again at her reflection as she arranged her brown waves on her shoulders. The creature in the mirror stared back, one tear falling from her blank blue eyes. Marley impatiently wiped it away, careful not to smudge the expertly applied black liner, and then ran her lips over with another layer of red lipstick.
She sighed. She didn't even want to go out tonight. But nearly every graduate of New Directions was actually in town at the same time—something of a rare occurrence since Finn's tragic death—and they had all decided they couldn't just let it go by without a celebration. So Blaine had offered to throw a giant New Year's Eve bash, since his parents always rang in the New Year on their annual after-Christmas cruise. All of current New Directions had been invited as well, including the newest freshmen members, and everyone had been eager to go. They were still high off of winning at sectionals just a month ago and wanted to keep celebrating.
So she'd suffer through it. She was supposed to be happy too, after all.
"Finally," Kitty groaned as Marley stepped out from the bathroom at last. The blonde girl wore a similar sweater dress, but in a solid red, with a big black belt cinched around her tiny waist. Kitty had on nude tights and black high heels, and her blonde hair was straightened so that it fell halfway down her back. She had allowed Marley to talk her into a black beret as well, and it sat perched adorably on her head.
Kitty stood up, her eyes sweeping over Marley in an examination. Marley stood by nervously, hoping her efforts to hide her problem had been successful. "You look H-O-T-T hott, geek," Kitty declared with a smile, and Marley returned it, feeling relieved. "Told you that dress would be great. I bet you'll get laid tonight."
Marley blushed. "Kitty, I'm not seeing anyone," she reminded her friend as she grabbed her black purse and her coat, shutting off the light as Kitty followed her out of the bedroom, her own coat and purse already draped over one arm.
"Like that matters," Kitty insisted, waving away Marley's objections with one perfectly manicured hand. "I'm not seeing anyone since Artie left for college, and I fully plan on getting laid tonight."
"Isn't he going to be here tonight?" Marley asked as they left the house, bidding a quick goodbye to Mrs. Rose ("be safe!") and headed to Kitty's car where it was parked in the driveway. Marley was driving, being the non-drinker of the two.
"Yeah, but I doubt I'll get anywhere with him," Kitty mumbled bitterly as she slammed the passenger side door and Marley put the key in the ignition. "He's got some new girlfriend at film school."
"Oh," Marley said, unsure of what words of comfort she could offer. After all, her ex-boyfriend was dating as well, with the girl he had cheated on Marley with nonetheless. "I'm sorry, Kitty."
"I don't even care," Kitty declared airily. "On the facebook invite page, Blaine had a bunch of his old Warbler friends coming too, and I know Ryder invited some football guys to come along too. I'll just grab one of them and start macking right in front of Artie, maybe get a rise out of him." Marley winced at her friend's obvious double meaning and they both laughed.
"Hey, let's stop and get some fireworks," Kitty suggested, a mischievous gleam in her eye.
Marley sighed in annoyance. "Kitty, Blaine made everyone promise not to bring fireworks, remember? He doesn't want the yard set on fire, or else his parents are probably going to find out about the party. Not to mention the police officers who respond to the fire will probably notice the dozens of drunk minors on the property and arrest all of us."
"You need to live life more on the edge," Kitty suggested. "What's New Year's Eve without fireworks?"
Marley shook her head, giving her friend a look that said tough luck. "Nope. We're not bringing fireworks. None. No midnight fireworks for Kitty."
"Boo," Kitty grumbled, but said no more about it.
Soon enough, they had arrived at the Anderson household. Blaine's family was wealthy and his house huge, the long driveway lined with cars. Marley had fretted about the party getting busted by cops, but Blaine had assured her that all of his neighbors were out—like his own parents, many of them went on vacation right after Christmas. So it was only with some trepidation that Marley parked the car and stepped out, shivering as the chilly air immediately assaulted her, and she wrapped her coat further around her.
Kitty's door slammed shut too, and they started walking up the drive to the door. "It's freezing," Kitty complained. "C'mon." She grabbed Marley's wrist and tugged her along, making her walk quicker and almost stumble over a rock in the driveway.
They reached the front door unscathed though and let themselves in. The front foyer had only a few people in it, mostly the freshmen of New Directions who didn't really know any of the graduates that well. Kitty and Marley greeted them (one of them more warmly than the other) and then went towards the sound of thumping music and more enthusiastic talking and laughter in search of the real party.
"Hey!" Marley felt someone practically jump on her and Kitty the moment they walked into the living room. She couldn't help but laugh as Blaine pulled back, leaving one arm slung over her's and Kitty's shoulders. "I am so glad you two are here!"
"Glad we're here too, Blaine," Marley said honestly, with a genuine grin. Now that she was here, it was exciting—she had seen Blaine once since he'd graduated, when he'd come to see the annual musical. She missed him. "You look great."
"So do you!" Blaine exclaimed, grabbing both her hands and holding her out for him to look at. "That dress—I hardly believed that this was Marley Rose! Aren't you a regular hottie?" He leaned in and impulsively kissed Marley on the cheek.
While she gave a surprised laugh, Kurt Hummel appeared, sliding a hand around Blaine's waist. "You'll have to excuse my fiancée's forwardness; he started drinking a while ago and he has a thing for pretty girls when under the influence."
"I have a thing for you too while under the influence," Blaine declared, smoothing an imaginary wrinkle out of Kurt's jacket, his hand lingering too long there for it to be not sensual. "And I'm not that drunk yet." He gave Kurt a quick kiss. "I'm going to get another drink." With that and a wink to the girls, he disappeared.
"Oh, dear," Kurt laughed. "He loves New Years. Can I show you lovely ladies the way to the refreshments?"
"Yes, dear God, yes," Kitty replied, and they followed Kurt to the kitchen, saying hi to a few people that they passed along the way.
Kitty poured herself something from a bottle, mixing it with diet coke, but Marley just got herself a bottled water. "You know I don't drink, Kitty," Marley pointed out when she saw Kitty roll her eyes.
"Whatever. Look, I'm going to go find my ex and make him wish he'd never given all this up, mkay? Catch up with me later."
"Sure," Marley agreed absently, already losing interest in the party. She wandered back out to the living room, careful to keep off the dance floor where Bree and Jake were reigning supreme. There were a lot more people here than Marley had expected—word must have spread. She recognized a few members of the football team, but there were a lot of others that Marley just did not know. It was somewhat of a relief to bump into Mercedes and Santana and chat with them for a few minutes. After Santana went running off to find Brittany and Mercedes had spotted Sam waving to her from the dance floor, Marley took a seat on the couch to watch the party take place in front of her.
Bree and Jake were still grinding on each other in the center of the dance floor—Marley was pleased to note that she could see them and not feel anything anymore. For a while it had been awful watching Jake go the monogamy route with another girl, one who was willing to do what he wanted physically, but now the fury and jealousy and even regret had faded away. She and Jake weren't exactly friends, but they didn't hate each other either.
She let her eyes wander away from those two and caught sight of a few more people—Mercedes, again, with Sam now, dancing; Blaine and Kurt necking in a corner; Unique chatting with Tina and Mike, who were holding hands; Artie laughing with some girl Marley didn't recognize, while Kitty glared from a few feet away, unnoticed.
Someone took the seat next to Marley—she felt the cushion on the couch sink down as they sat. She glanced over and smiled when she saw the grinning face of Ryder Lynn.
"Hey," he greeted her, practically having to yell to be heard over the music. "You look really nice."
"Thanks," Marley said, fighting the urge to self-consciously cover her stomach with her arms. "You too." Ryder was dressed stylishly in dark wash jeans and a button down white shirt with a black vest over the top (the party was "semi-formal;" trust Blaine and Kurt to set a dress code). Ryder ran a hand through his hair and just grinned at her.
"Do you want to dance?" he asked, looking hopeful.
Marley prepared herself to say no, and then stopped herself. Since he had asked her out the first time, following her breakup with Jake, they had gone through a couple more false starts to a relationship. They'd go out on a date, then she'd feel afraid and back out of anything more serious. They'd hung out a few times that summer, but it hadn't been dating, just friendship. And at the beginning of this year, junior year, Ryder had actually dated some other girl for a while, a new sophomore in the glee club. They'd broken up a while back, sometime in October, but Ryder hadn't made an effort to go after Marley again.
She wondered if maybe that's what this invitation to dance was—the beginning of another effort to start something between them. And that's why she didn't say no right away. Instead, she took a minute to think.
I just noticed how I don't get angry looking at Jake anymore, she thought. And I like Ryder. I like him a lot. Why not? In fact, Ryder was pretty much everything she had dreamed Jake would be, if she had broken down his walls like she'd dreamed of. Ryder was kind, considerate, protective, and genuinely a good guy, not to mention handsome. She wanted to date him—she always had, she'd just been too nervous to be in a relationship again.
"Sure," Marley said, and Ryder's grin grew. She left her empty water bottle there on the couch and let Ryder take her hand to lead her to the dance floor. When they got to the crowd of people dancing, Blaine had taken over the music, loudly proclaiming that he wanted to dance with his fiancée to a romantic song now and that "everyone needs to stop twerking anyway, because we finished that back in the spring!"
Ryder shrugged and waited for Marley to give a smile of approval before placing a hand on her waist, drawing her in close as his other hand enclosed hers and Marley placed her free hand on Ryder's bicep. "Your hands are cold," Ryder murmured as the music started and they swayed in time to it, turning in a slow circle.
Marley swallowed a little nervously. "Yeah, they always seem to be," she said with a little laugh. "I'm just cold-blooded I guess."
Snorting, Ryder shook his head. "Never," he assured her. "You are literally the nicest girl in the entire school." He seemed to hesitate for a minute before saying, "And the prettiest too."
Her instinctual reaction to laugh and wave away the compliment, to claim that she wasn't even close to pretty, died on her lips. Because she could see in Ryder's eyes that he meant it. "Thank you," she found herself whispering instead, letting herself smile. Nothing else was said, and Marley let her head rest on Ryder's shoulder as they danced, him drawing her in closer.
The dance ended surprisingly soon and Marley escaped the dance floor rather than try to dance along to some fast song and embarrass herself. "Can I get you something to eat?" Ryder offered. "You…uh, would you like anything?"
Marley felt a little nervous at hearing Ryder's hesitation there—perhaps he had been about to observe that she looked skinny? "Yeah, I'm starving," she blurted out, not about to allow Ryder to worry about her. He smiled and promised to be right back with a plate of food.
He was back soon, balancing two plates that held an assortment of snacks, along with two bottles of water tucked under his arm. Marley had taken up her previous position on the couch, conversing now with Unique and Sam. Unique excused herself to go dance soon after Ryder came over (they still didn't talk if they could help it, after the catfishing scandal) but Sam hung around and chatted.
Fifteen minutes passed just in easy conversation about Ryder and Marley's glee club experiences this year and Sam's stories about his modeling jobs in New York. Ryder left to go grab some more food and offered to get Marley more; she declined.
"So how do you think regionals is going to go?" Sam brought up after Ryder had been away a few minutes.
Marley closed her eyes. Regionals. Just the thought of it put nerves flooding back into her system. They hadn't started rehearsing, but Mr. Schue had already told Marley he wanted her singing lead. Everyone relying on her again. It was dizzying to think of how many people were looking up to her now—she wasn't the newbie anymore. Somehow, with the seniors' graduation, she'd become the leader. And she wasn't entirely sure if she wanted that anymore, not if it meant this much stress.
"Um…" Marley stammered. "Yeah, um…it'll go good, I'm sure."
"I bet you guys don't even have songs yet," Sam laughed, oblivious to Marley's sudden change in behavior. "Man, don't you hate how Mr. Schue likes to wait until like the last minute to start preparing for competition? And it's always so, like, intense because you're not sure if everything's gonna go okay." Sam sighed. "I kind of miss it. It's kind of a rush, you know? That live performance stuff."
Marley nodded. "Uh huh. Will you excuse me a minute, Sam?" Without waiting for Sam's response, Marley stood up and walked off through the party, finding the staircase and practically jogging up the steps. She thought she may have heard someone say her name but she ignored it.
Regionals. You have to be on your game. Everyone is counting on you. You can't screw up. You won't have enough time. How can I do this? Just calm down. Calm down, Marley. She knew what to do to calm down.
Marley located the empty upstairs bathroom and turned the lock. She shakily lowered herself in front of the toilet and put her fingers in her mouth. A knock on the door stopped them before she put them back any further.
"Marley," Ryder's voice came from the hallway. Marley's heartbeat sped up. That's who had called her name downstairs. Ryder. He had followed her. He knew.
"Ryder," she called back. "I'll be right down. Just give me a minute."
"Are you okay?" Ryder asked, clearly knowing the answer. "I came back and you were walking away. Sam said you got weird and then walked off."
Marley swallowed nervously. "I'm fine, just let me have a minute, okay?" she demanded, her voice as hard as she could make it.
"No," Ryder answered, not hesitating a second, and he tapped on the door again. "Marley. Come out." Marley could picture him out there, probably leaning on one hand propped against the door frame, his other hand rested against the door to knock.
"Please, Ryder," she pleaded, forgetting her idea of remaining strong. "Please, just let me have a minute, okay?"
"Marls, you and I both know that if I walk away, you're going to do something you'll regret," he said quietly. Marley felt a tear slide down her cheek. He knocked again and Marley drew a shaking breath, standing up and trembling—her body still hadn't received the relief of throwing up and her brain was demanding the easing of its anxiety. Still, she made herself walk to the door, unlock it, and open it.
Ryder stood there, just as she'd pictured. He sighed when she came out. "You've been throwing up again, haven't you?" he asked her. "Not just now. It's been going on. I knew something was happening."
Marley closed her eyes, and forced out a little laugh, making herself play out an act of nonchalance. "Ryder, it's-it's not a big deal," she stammered.
"It's a huge deal," he said back simply. His disappointed, heartbroken tone shredded Marley's last thought of playing this off anymore.
"I know," she finally agreed. "But I can't…I can't…" She shuddered, and took a few steps into Ryder's waiting arms.
He held her close for a few minutes and then kissed the top of her head before saying, in a hushed voice, "Let's go talk, okay?"
Marley nodded and let Ryder take her hand to lead her down the hallway. He opened one of the doors to find a bedroom—looked like it was probably a guest room. He gestured for Marley to come in and she did, sitting down on the bed while he closed the door.
Before Ryder had even sat down, Marley was crying. "I just want to be perfect," she choked out, trying to fight away the tears.
"Marley, you are so beautiful," Ryder insisted, and Marley started shaking her head. "No, you are-"
She cut him off. "I don't mean beautiful," Marley told him. "It used to be that…b-back in sophomore year, when I did it the first time. I wanted to be skinny. Now it's…it's…I want to be in control of…of s-something in my life."
Ryder put his arms around her again, drawing her close. "I understand," he murmured softly. "I know." They sat there like that for a few minutes, Marley trying to fight her tears and Ryder just holding her. "Marley, it's going to be okay," he finally said, pulling away from her to look at her. "You need to let someone in though. Let me in. Let me help. I'll do everything I can, I swear. But this…" He gestured to Marley, her skinny figure clear to anyone who knew to look. "This has to stop. You're only making everything worse doing this. Please, just…please, don't do this anymore. I don't want anything to happen to you."
Marley took a shaky breath, nodding slowly. "Okay. Okay. I'll try. I swear. I'll try."
"Thank you," Ryder said, clasping one of her cold hands in his, rubbing it to warm it up.
She stared down at their hands for a minute and then looked back up, into his deep brown eyes. "For you, I'll try," she whispered. He stared back and they slowly moved closer together, both their eyes closing and their lips coming together as they faintly heard a countdown downstairs.
"Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!"
Marley could swear there were fireworks after all.