Speak Now (A Letter From The Heart)

Author's note: this takes place during breaking dawn right before the wedding. I never really liked the way breaking dawn went. It seemed like Stephanie Meyer was trying to make it seem like Jacob didn't love her as much as Edward which was not true.

Summary: Ten minutes before her wedding Bella is getting ready to marry Edward and having doubts. Will a letter from Jacob give her the push she needs to change her mind?

"There," Alice said with satisfaction. "A little color - that's all you needed. You are officially perfect."

With a little self-congratulatory smile, she turned to my parents.

"Renée, you need to get downstairs." Alice told her.

Renée nodded. "Yes, ma'am," Renée blew me a kiss and hurried out the door.

Alice turned to Charlie.

"Charlie, would you grab the flowers, please?" Alice asked.

Charlie shifted nervously. "Actually Alice would you give me and Bella a few minutes alone?" he asked.

Alice gave him a blank, her eyes glazing as she tried to see the future. I guess she didn't like what she saw she frowned and looked confused.

Charlie sighed. "Please, Alice?" he begged.

Alice nodded and left.

Once Alice was out of the room Charlie turned to me and pulled a letter out of his suit pocket.

"What's this?" I asked as he handed it to me.

Charlie smiled sadly. "It's a letter from Jacob" he stated.

I gasped as my heart started beating faster. Hope filled my chest along with butterflies. "Is he here?" I asked standing up.

Charlie shook his head. "He stopped by the house and asked me to give this to you before the wedding." Charlie said.

I looked at the letter then back at Charlie. "What does it say?" I asked afraid to read it.

Charlie shook his head. "I don't know, Bella. But I do know this," Charlie placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "Jacob would never do anything to hurt you Bella." He said then turned around and left the room.

I sat back down as I stared at the letter with my hands shaking. I was nervous but I shouldn't be. I had already made my choice and nothing Jacob could say would change that. I ignored the voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like Jacob calling me reminding me of my nightmare from the night before. I opened the letter slowly and as my eyes scanned the note tears began to fall.

"Dear Bella,

Today feels like the hardest day of my life. You'd think I'd be used to telling you goodbye by now but I'm not. I know I shouldn't be writing you on your wedding day but I wasn't brave enough to say this in person. I woke up a few days ago in Northern Canada, I think, and found my heart yearning to see you one last time. I raced back here and stood outside your window listening to your heart beat and at that moment everything was right in my world. Then I heard you and Edward discussing your wedding plans and everything fell apart and crashed to the ground. So now that I am writing you this letter, even though we both know that I no longer have the right, I realized it as I listened to the two of you talk while I wallowed outside in the shadows with only my tears and my broken heart for company.

I love you, Bella. No, that's not right. I'm in love with you. My Bella, my best friend, who came to me all those months ago broken, then walked out of my life happy and engaged to another man. So this is a goodbye letter. Loving you has been the best experience in my life and the worst experience. The best was when I kissed you and you kissed me back.

That was the moment you realized you loved me too and that is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. The worst was when you told Edward you loved him more mere moments after our kiss. And I knew the second the words rolled off your tongue and I heard them through Seth's mind that I had lost you. I knew that you were going to leave with him, marry him, and I would have to let you go, and something broke inside of me. Because I knew that we were perfect for each other. We were 'As easy as breathing' and I hate him for doing this to us. I hate him for coming back and stealing you away.

I hate him for proposing to you. And the reason I hate him most is because he is going to kill you. He is going to drain you of your life, your blood, and everything that makes you human. His excuse is that he loves you too much to ever leave you again and that's complete BULLSHIT! Because he knows how much I love you. He knows how much you mean to me. How much your life means to me.

Bella, you mean the world to me. No, you mean everything to me. I would've spent the rest of my life with you, loving you, making you happy. He knows this; he has to have seen it in my mind. And even if he can't read your mind he has to know that we could have been- No, we 'Should Have' been. But now you've gone and made you're choice, him, I know the truth and I can't be mad at you anymore.

It's too late to say this. It has been months since I last saw you. I should've moved on. I should have let you go and got on with my life but I can't forget you Bella. I can't forget all that we've been through. I can't forget all the love I gave you or all the pain and loneliness I got in return. I gave you best of me, Bella. I gave you my, love, my heart, my live but you just threw it all away. I just want you to know that I am still in love with you.

I am so in love with you that it hurts. The thought of letting you go, letting you die for him, breaks me into a million pieces inside. It kills me, that I couldn't save you, that I couldn't change your mind, and I know it will haunt me for the rest of my life. You are my soul mate, Bella, I have never been surer of anything in my life. That's what makes this hurt so much more. I want to march up to you and shake you until you come to your senses. I want to fight for you but I know what would happen.

Edward loves you and you've been in love with him since the moment you laid eyes on him. I know that if I fight, if I object, you're going to look at me and I will no longer be your friend. I'm going to be the enemy standing in the way of the frozen eternity you always dreamed of, and I don't want to be your enemy. One day, your heart will stop beating and I'll never get over that. But it is going to happen. No matter what I say or what I do you're going to choose him, choose death over me. But that's to be expected right.

You and Edward are destiny, right? You have a bond that I can't compete with. A bond that is so strong that it could not exist in a rational world. The world where there were no such thing as monsters and you ended up with me. That's what you said, right? At first I didn't understand, I couldn't understand. And truthfully, I didn't want to. But now I see why he came back.

It was hard for me to sit in my little red garage and not fall in love with you. It was hard for me to even think about you and not fall in love. And I'd like to believe that the only reason I lost was because you and Edward were meant to be together. Because if not, then what I'm about to do, what I'm about to give up, will have been for nothing. I know that you're gone. And it hurts. It hurts so much that I know soon all my love for you is slowly going to be replaced by numbness.

And for those must that I was away all I could feel was hatred. Hatred caused by my broken heart which still pumps freely with love for you. That now pumps pain that fills like fragments of broken glass through my body. Hatred for the cold, life-less, soul-less MONSTER you chose to become and for the monster inside me that wants nothing more than to rip you apart and will forever keep us apart. But do you know who I really hated? Not you, not your fiancé. The person who I really hated was me.

I hate myself right now Bella. Because I wasn't enough for you. Because I have never been enough for you. And because no matter how many times you hurt me, I can't stop loving you. I wasn't going to contact you but I need closure Bella. I need to know why you couldn't love me back. I have given everything I have and you just left me. What does he have that I don't?

Was I not good enough for you? Was I just not the right monster for you? I replay all of our moments together trying to find what I did wrong. I can't move on Bella. What did I do wrong?

I hope he can make you happy, Bella. I hope that with all my heart. That's what I want more than anything.

I want you to be happy Bella. And Bella, promise me that you'll at least think about waiting to be changed. Wait a few years, go to college, travel, enjoy the sunshine, and just don't rush into this. Please? So that sums it all up. Even though I want everything with you, and I believe we would've had everything, I'm willing to let you go so that you can be happy. Even though I still believe there's a part of your heart that will always belong to me.

But maybe that's a lie. Maybe that part is Edward's – maybe all of it is Edward's. Your heart, your mind, your future, everything, is his. But the hardest part is not letting you go or how much it hurts. The hardest part is that I can't help but believe that one day you will come back to me. Part of me hopes you won't go through with this wedding. Part of me hopes you will fight for me, for us, just as hard as I fought for you.

Part of me hopes you will not go running straight into death but instead run to the light, your personal sun, to me. I hope you prove me right, but my hope has been crushed so many times already. It's like I can't breathe anymore. But it's all for your happiness. I just have to convince myself that someday this will all be okay, that this will all make sense. How I could love you, and you could love me, and it still not be enough. By the time Charlie gives you this letter I'll be gone.

I can't tell you where and don't try asking Seth, If you still care anymore. I won't be phasing anytime soon. But I want you know that I'm going to try. I'm going to try to start moving forward. Goodbye, Bella, I will always love you.

Love, Jacob"

Tears welled in my eyes as I finished I wondered why was he telling me this now? A single tear falls onto my wedding dress. In ragged breaths, I roughly wipe my eyes forgetting that the tears now pooling above my eyelids will ruin my makeup. It had finally hit me that he was gone and he wasn't coming back. He thought I didn't care anymore. God, Jacob was in pain. He needed me and instead here I was getting married. To the one he and I both believed I had always loved. The one I always cared about. The one I always defended. The one that I, would without a doubt, marry and die for.

And just like that I was, on the floor, my head in her hands, Jacob's letter lying on my lap. I was sobbing, hard, and it didn't look like I was going to stop.

I finally removed my hands from my face, only to bring his letter up to my face. It still smelled like him. Still smelled like my best friend, my personal son, the man I loved so much but not enough to choose him. Only that wasn't who he was anymore. He wasn't my best friend anymore. He was a loner, and gone, and the man I would without a doubt, always love. But I could never tell him that.

I folded the letter and tucked it away. Now all I had to do was make it down that aisle in one piece. Because I owed that much to Edward.

I crossed the room to the full length mirror. My make-up is smudged, and I was surprised when I felt Alice's cold hand grab my chin. She mutters a curse under her breath as she reaches for the mascara, applying it with a steady, cold hand.

"I told you to be careful with your make up." She says. I say nothing; just stand there lost and confused. Alice grabbed the garter off the table and then ducked under my skirt. I gasped and tottered as her cold hand caught my ankle; she yanked the garter into place.

She was back on her feet before Charlie returned with the two frothy white bouquets. The scent of roses and orange blossom and freesia enveloped me in a soft mist. Rosalie - the best musician in the family next to Edward - began playing the piano downstairs. Pachelbel's Canon. I began hyperventilating.

What am I doing? I can't do this!

I can't, I can't…

"Easy, Bells," Charlie said.

He turned to Alice nervously. "She looks a little sick. Do you think she's going to make it?" he asked worriedly.

His voice sounded far away. I couldn't feel my legs. How could I run if I couldn't feel my legs? I needed to get to Jacob. I needed to tell him I loved him and that I was sorry.

"She'd better." Alice said coldly.

I looked up at her in shock. My breath hitches and my skin starts to redden with fear.

I'm not ready…I'm not ready…I'm not ready.

Tell her the truth, my mind whispers.

I looked into Alice's eyes. She has to see the unease, the fear, and the pure desperation in mine. I remember after the newborn battle and the unbearable pain that came along with Jacob leaving; the pain that I nearly killed myself trying to hide. The pain that I had thought that I had kept from everyone, to the point where I'd even convinced myself that I could live without him.

I'm about to walk down the aisle, now is not the time to change my mind. But it's so exhausting to pretend. I love Edward. I've always loved Edward. But the pain of losing Jacob is still there.

"I-I c-can't-" I gasped.

Alice stood right in front of me, on her tiptoes to better stare me in the eye, and gripped my wrists in her hard hands.

"Focus, Bella. Edward is waiting for you down there!" She shouted.

I took a deep breath, willing myself into composure, and my doubts away. The music slowly morphed into a new song.

Charlie nudged me. "Bells, we're up to bat." He said solemnly.

I'm not ready. I have to see Jacob. I have to tell him that I –

"Bella?" Alice asked, still holding my gaze.

"Yes," I squeaked. "Edward. Okay." I said softly.

That's right, I almost forgot about Edward.

I let her pull me from the room, with Charlie tagging along at my elbow. The music was louder in the hall. It floated up the stairs along with the fragrance of a million flowers. I concentrated on the idea of Edward waiting below to get my feet to shuffle forward, but it only made my heat sink. The music was familiar, Wagner's traditional march surrounded by a flood of embellishments.

"It's my turn," Alice chimed. "Count to five and follow me." She began a slow, graceful dance down the staircase.

I should have realized that having Alice as my only bridesmaid was a mistake. I needed more time. I needed to think. I needed… to walk down the aisle because I love Edward more than anything. A sudden fanfare trilled through the soaring music. I recognized my cue.

"You sure you want to do this Bella? It's not too late." Charlie asked his voice hopeful.

I looked at him and gave a sad smile. "Don't let me fall, Dad," I whispered.

Charlie pulled my hand through his arm and then grasped it tightly. One step at a time, I told myself as we began to descend to the slow tempo of the march. I didn't lift my eyes until my feet were safely on the flat ground, though I could hear the murmurs and rustling of the audience as I came into view. I fought to ignore the feeling of regret seeping through my core. As soon as my feet were past the treacherous stairs, I was looking for him, hoping that Jacob was lying and that he would be waiting in the audience for me.

For a brief second, I was distracted by the profusion of white blossoms that hung in garlands from everything in the room that wasn't alive, dripping with long lines of white gossamer ribbons. But I tore my eyes from the bowery canopy and searched across the rows of satin-draped chairs – I ignored the hollow feeling that swept through me as I took in the crowd of faces all focused on me – none of them Jacob.

Instead I found Edward, standing before an arch overflowing with more flowers, more gossamer. I was barely conscious that Carlisle stood by his side, and Angela's father behind them both. I didn't see my mother where she must have sat in the front row, or my new family, or any of the guests - they would have to wait till later.

All I really saw was Edward's face; it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind. He's standing up there at the altar now, staring straight at me with those buttery, burning, gold eyes, his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my sad, remorseful gaze, I looked away. My eyes glued to the floor.

Because I can't look at him. Look at the man I'm about to pledge my life to while I'm having thoughts of another man. How can I look in to the eyes of my future husband while I doubt my decision about marrying him? I push those thoughts away.

I had no doubts; I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because when your perfect, handsome, boyfriend asks you to marry him, you can't really say no more than once. And there was no excuse for rejecting the offer the first time.

"Goodbye Bella" I heard a husky voice whisper I my head.

Suddenly, it was only the pressure of Charlie's hand on mine that kept me from sprinting headlong down the aisle back the way I came. The march was too fast as I struggled to speed my steps to its rhythm. Unfortunately, the aisle was very short. And then I was there. Edward held out his hand. Charlie took my hand and, in a symbol as old as the world, placed it in Edward's.

I almost flinch, wishing for warmth instead of ice. Minister Webber turns to the audience and begins to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here on this glorious day to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan." He said, and I knew my chance to change my mind is over. Minister Webber turned to Edward first.

"Edward, do you take Bella, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in holy matrimony? Do you promise to love her, to honor and cherish her, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, and to be to her in all things a good and faithful husband as long as you both shall live?" He asked.

"I do." Edward said.

His eyes stayed locked on mine, a smile of exultation on his face, and I forced myself to smile back.

"Bella …" Minister Webber said turning to me.

He is speaking now but I'm no longer looking at him, nor am I looking at Edward. I'm looking behind Edward, where Jacob is standing, hands shaking, from a spot a ways away from the wedding. I can tell even from my spot at the altar that he trying desperately not to cry, as am I.

"Do you Bella; take Edward to be your lawfully wedded husband…"

A single shaky breath catches my attention and I realize, suddenly, that Jacob is crying. I want to run to him and hold him in my arms and make him go back to being happy and sunny Jacob Black that I've always loved.

Because I wasn't enough for you. Because I have never been enough for you.

"You're rushing into it because you're afraid you'll change your mind."

Because no matter how many times you hurt me, I can't stop loving you.

His head is bent low; his cheeks are overflowing with tears. I need him to stop crying.

" …To live together after God's ordinance in holy matrimony?"

I need to know why you couldn't love me back.

He looks so defeated, so broken, so vulnerable.

"Tell me something... You like me, right? And you think I'm sort of beautiful?"

I have given everything I have and you just left me. What does he have that I don't?

"…Do you promise to love him…?"

Was I not good enough for you?

I shut my eyes and inhales, deeply. It was me who made him hate himself; my selfishness is what caused all the pain and insecurities that was written in Jacob's letter.

"It's because of him, isn't it? Look, I know what he did to you. But Bella, I would never, ever do that. I won't ever hurt you. I promise. I won't let you down. You can count on me."

"…To honor and cherish him…"

Was I just not the right monster for you?

"You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him."

"…in joy and in sorrow…"

I replay all of our moments together trying to find what I did wrong.

"Why? Give me one good reason."

"…in sickness and in health…"

I can't move on Bella.

"You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me."

"…and to be to her in all things a good and faithful wife…"

What did I do wrong?

"It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

"…as long as you both shall live?"

How I could love you, and you could love me, and it still not be enough.

"I'm in love with you, Bella. Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him. I know you don't feel that way, but I need the truth out there so that you know your options."

"I-I-I" I tear my eyes away from Jacob to look at the priest. He looks at me expectantly.

Part of me hopes you won't go through with this wedding. Part of me hopes you will fight for me, for us, just as hard as I fought for you.

"Until your heart stops beating, Bella. I'll be here - fighting. Don't forget that you have options."

I look to Edward. Edward, my first love, the man who I cannot live without, and the one who I never really tried to live without.

Part of me hopes you will not go running straight into death but instead run to the light, your personal sun, to me. I hope you prove me right, but my hope has been crushed so many times already.

"You wouldn't have to change for me, Bella, or say goodbye to anyone. I can give you more than him."

I looked into Edward's shining, triumphant eyes and knew that I was making a mistake. I knew it but it was too late to back out now.

This will be my gift to him - as a way for him to deal with the pain—to heal.

Jacob needs this. He needs to believe that we were a mistake so he can move on. I need to believe that I was right that I really do love Edward more, so that all the pain Jacob went through—the pain I put him through—would all be worth it.

But I want you know that I'm going to try. I'm going to try to start moving forward.

"I'm done! I'm so done!"

I didn't realize I was crying until I said the binding words.

"I do," I managed to choke out in a nearly unintelligible whisper, closing my eyes so I could not see his face.

Thinking back on all the things I had said to Jacob since Edward came back into my life.

"I don't want to lose you!"

"If anyone…"

"Jacob, just go, okay?"

"Has a reason…."

"Jacob, what are you doing?"

"Why these two…"

"Jacob! Kiss me. I'm asking you... to kiss me."

"Should not be married…"

"Lose the grin Jacob; I'm just going for the ride."

"Then let them speak now…

"But... you, why haven't you called me back?"

"Or forever hold their peace."

"Till my heart stops beating."

"I OBJECT!" A bunch of familiar voices shout at the same time.

I open my eyes look at them surprised. Charlie, Angela, Rosalie, and most surprisingly Leah.

Rosalie stepped forward. "I've told you this once and I'll say it again. You're choosing wrong! Don't condemn yourself to this life with us. Live your life Bella! Don't marry Edward!" she said.

Charlie stepped up to finish for her. "I've put up with this crap long enough Bella. You want to know what I think, Bells? I think you and Jacob would've made a great couple. With Jake, you're different Bells, you're a teen, giggling, having fun, you know, the way it should be. With Edward, it's not right. Not at your age. I almost lost you over him, which is why you don't hear me say too much, I was scared I push you away, but Bells, Edward isn't right for you! And I'm not going to let you go through with this!" Charlie shouted.

Angela nodded. "He smothers you. He doesn't give you space; you don't see your friends. I've barely got a chance to spend time with you since he came back. When you're with him I don't hear you laugh, I don't see you smile. Edward is damn near controlling you and it needs to stop! I've seen the way Jacob looks at you. He really love you Bella. Don't do this to him." she said.

Leah crossed her arms and glared at me. "This is the most screwed up, shit I've ever seen in my life. How could you even think of marrying that leech? I've seen you and Jacob together. I've heard his thoughts. This is going to kill him." She shouted.

I opened my mouth to say something but suddenly more people stood up.

"I object! You may not have been my best friend but even you deserve better." Jessica said.

"I object. You didn't even want to get married in the first place." Renee said.

Soon almost everyone with the exception of the Cullen's were on their feet giving me reasons why I shouldn't be with Edward.

"Bella!" I heard and turned to see Jacob waiting at the end of the aisle.

"Jacob!" I choked as soon as I could breathe.

"Jacob!" I shouted.

I tried to run toward the sound of his voice but Edward kept his grip under my elbow holding me in place.

"This isn't the time for that." He said and Leah punched him.

"Run, Bella!" she shouted.

I didn't need to be told twice. I heard Edward shouting behind me but I was already in Jacob's arm.

"Hey there, Bells." My heart beat faster the sound of his voice. The heat from Jacob's skin burned right through the thin satin dress as he pulled me close. He hugged me while I buried my face in his chest. He leaned down to press his cheek to the top of my head.

"Let's get out of here." He said.

I nodded. Charlie tossed him the keys to the cruiser and we left quickly after that.

Was I making the right choice? I don't know. But I do know one thing. I was happier at the moment than I had been since I had left him that day after the newborn battle. As we drove away I glanced back in the mirror meeting the furious eyes of Edward.

"Goodbye," I whispered.

"Where to next?" he asked.

I giggled. "Anywhere we want!" I shouted happily.

He smiled. "Somewhere sunny?" he asked.

I nodded. "Somewhere sunny," I said.

And then we drove happily away from my perfect wedding with the perfect family and into the imperfect, messy beautiful reality of the rest of our lives. It wouldn't be forever and ever. But it would be mine and I couldn't ask for more.

The End

Author's note: I've had this on my computer for half a year now so I decided to post it. I will be updating the next chapter of 'Let The Healing Begin soon. hopefully by next Saturday. Please review and let me know your thoughts.