Just a quick note: this is not my usual writing style. I wrote what was on my mind, and what I think was running in Natalia's mind during the ending scene. This fic idea was triggered when I heard a local song play on the television, and upon hearing and analyzing the lyrics, I knew a fanfic should be made.
Apologies in advance for any errors in grammar and spelling, as well as OOC-ness on Natalia's part. I was in a rush, and believe or not, I was kinda brawling while I wrote this. I guess the situation and the song was a bad combination for writing the fic… ^^;;
This fic is dedicated to my significant other. One month to go~
Lastly, the title 'hanasu' has two meanings, depending on the kanji. One, it means 'to talk'. The other is 'to let go'. I realized it was a double meaning of the word while I was writing because the whole fic revolves around Natalia 'talking' and letting go.
Anyways, here we go!
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss. It belongs to its respective owners. I, however, own the plot and the idea for this fanfiction.
Hanasu
~My mind whispers to me not to let go, but my heart needs to forget you~
-Translated line from the local song
When the silhouette of the person appeared just before we were leaving, I held my breath, wondering and hoping as well that it would be you who will come back. After all, we never said so much as a 'goodbye' to one another. Instead, I learn from him that you have died already, and the me who had always been so composed, as expected of a princess of the Kingdom of Kimlasca-Lanvaldear, began to act hysterical. The Colonel had to slap me just so I could focus on the task at hand, which was to defeat your old master and free Lorelei.
We did just that, and he volunteered to be left behind. I knew Tear was trying hard not to show that she was against it, but unlike me, she managed to stay that way until after we had gotten to safer location.
Nearly two years have passed, and on the night of your birthday, a silhouette appeared in Tataroo Valley.
I wished it was my Luke that appeared.
I wished it was my Luke fon Fabre, the one who vowed to change the country with me when we were all grown up.
I wished… I wished everything possible to make it happen.
No matter how hard I tried, it didn't work.
It was Tear's Luke who appeared before us.
At that time, I wanted to break down and cry, but years of training to make myself look so nonchalant paid off. I was even surprised with the fact that I managed to walk towards you with a blank look on my face, then finally cracking the widest smile I could manage.
"Luke, welcome back." I heard myself say, though at the back of my mind, the inner demon in me vehemently protested with your appearance.
"Thanks, Natalia." Tear's Luke smiled at me, and still now, I wondered how I managed to be calm over all this. His smile greatly reminded me of yours when we were children, and seeing it back then brought so much painful memories.
I still wonder how I managed to keep myself perfectly calm from Tataroo Valley until we had gotten back to Baticul. It was… heart wrenching, now that I think about it.
Him and Tear looked so happy together, while I was wallowing in my own tragedy.
Was it too much to ask for just a bit of happiness?
Was it too much to ask for just a miracle that would bring me a smile on my face?
It sounds all so melodramatic but… this is the only time I can be honest with myself.
The princess façade is the only thing that keeps me from breaking down and crying over you. It keeps me busy, and it distracts me for a while from thinking of you. It works perfectly, but as soon as I catch a glimpse of him, that's when my mask starts cracking. It takes me awhile to calm down, but I am glad that as time passes by, there were no more tears. The only thing left was depression, which can be easily brushed aside when distracted. I believe I've cried too much over you already, and if I cry, there might be no more tears that will flow.
A year has passed, but I am still not over you.
They all tell me to let go at first, but when I raged at them for saying such inconceivable and insensitive things, they kept quiet. No one mentioned of it anymore, lest they feel my wrath again.
However, what they told me struck a nerve.
Maybe they do have a point.
Maybe… I have to let go?
I had thought about letting go of you after a hard day's work, before going to bed, just so I would not be distracted during my work hours. After all, I was tired and sleepy, and I knew that if I thought of it, it will simply slip off my mind and let me sleep, forgetting about it momentarily for another day.
Instead of forgetting it altogether, tonight, it was stuck on my mind.
As I tossed and turned in my bed in hopes of falling asleep, I couldn't do so.
The idea, the horror of it all, still lingered in my mind.
Do I let go of the thought of you, or not…?
The logical side of me tells me not to. You were part of who I am, and part of what I am today. My Luke fon Fabre has made me what I am as a person, as a princess of the kingdom, and as a woman. I loved you so much, but I never told you of that. I kept hoping that after all that we've been through to save the world from your master, it would finally be our chance to be together. It would also have been my chance to finally tell you what I really felt.
Funny, I describe everything in past tense.
It's all 'have been-s' and 'should have been-s'.
All I could think of were regrets.
Was it because I was not strong enough to take hold of the chance that had been given to me in the past?
Maybe. Maybe not.
All I can do now is regret.
I regret never telling you how I felt for you.
I regret not seizing the small chances we had, only the two of us, to make it more worthwhile.
I regret not showing you through my actions how much I loved you.
I regret not being strong enough to handle the news of your passing away.
In spite of all that, there's only one thing I do not regret, and that would be meeting you.
If I have lived my life as Meryl Oakland, I would not have been able to meet you. True, the Score had messed up our lives, but if there had been a positive side of the Score, it would be that I met you.
That thought had always kept me composed in times when I was on the verge of breaking down, but now, it had me going hysterical. It took an hour for me to calm down and to gather my wits about. Despite my brawling, I was still not tired, and my mind wanted to get an answer already on what I should do…
As dawn came about, I finally had an answer.
I have to let go of you.
I normally do not follow what my heart tells me, but in this instance, I had to give in to its wishes.
At the back of mine, I knew too that I had to let go.
I know as well that you wouldn't want me to continue being in this state. I was too emotionally unstable for my own good, and thoughts of you continue to plague my mind, distracting me far too often than before.
Somehow, I knew it had to stop.
I need to try and live my life without you, as painful it may be to me.
I know you're watching over me, but it pains me whenever I think of you not being able to support me by my side.
I wish you were here.
I wish you were beside me, holding me tight.
I wish I never had to make a painful decision.
Ah, enough of this… I should stop wallowing in self-pity and move forward.
Even if it means I have to let go.
That morning, I decided to inform the Council that I was to travel alone and unaccompanied to Sheridan, then to Tataroo Valley for two days. I decided to spend the night at Sheridan because that place reminded me of the limited time we had together, while I say my final goodbye in Tataroo Valley. They did not allow me at first, since monarchs generally needed escorts, but after some persuading done on my part, the relented, if I was to go back to the capital as soon as my business was done.
I seized the opportunity and left Baticul on the airship as soon as I could.
I retraced my steps in Sheridan.
The place had been my refuge ever since the truth about my origin was revealed. I remember being in a daze at that time, not knowing what to expect. I knew I had allies, I knew I had everyone's support but…
Your approval had raised my spirits, as well as my confidence.
I thank you for that.
If it wasn't for your help…
Well, I should not dwell on the past anymore. I would simply hinder me from letting go…
As the sun began to set, I quickly went to bed.
I have to be up before sunrise, just so I would be able to say one of my final goodbyes to you.
I woke up around six in the morning, and I headed off to the place where we met three years ago. The sun was slowly rising from its slumber as well as I held on to the railings and dropped the bouquet into the ocean.
"Goodbye, Luke. Thank you for everything."
I made it a point to go to Tataroo Valley during the night, just like what we did three years ago. This time, though, I was alone, and despite the monsters that roam free in the area, I knew I had to go here.
This was the place where it had a nice view of Hod.
This was the place where the other one came back.
This was the place where I would have to say my final farewell and never look back anymore.
I need to bury everything here so I could start anew.
I sat where Tear had once sat not too long along and closed my eyes. I tried to remember all of my memories with you, good and bad, in hopes of finally being able to have the closure that I need. It has been tough, holding on to all of these for three years, keeping it all to myself, and being unable to let go.
I guess I had deeper feelings for you than I actually realized…
Wiping the tears that began to flow down my eyes again, I stood up and stared at the remains of Eldrant. The structure was still there, but someday soon, the debris would be covered by the elements, no longer to be seen. The same as well for my feelings for you: I have to let go and let time heal all the wounds that had been inflicted on me.
It might take forever, but maybe I can wait.
A final wipe across my eyes.
I swallowed and took a deep breath.
With this, I turned away from the remains of Eldrant, burying both the past me, Natalia Luzu Kimlasca-Lanvaldear, along with my memories of you.
As I walked away, tears streamed down my face again, but I let it be, knowing that this will be the last time I will cry over you.
I'm sorry for letting go of you.
I'm sorry for being unable to convey my feelings.
I'm sorry for turning like this.
This will be the last time I will be this weak… for now, give me this final chance to be true to myself.
As I slowly let go of my memories of you, I whispered to the night sky the words that I have always wanted to say.
"I love you."
I hope it wasn't too sappy for your tastes…
Once again, I apologize if I got some facts wrong. It's been a year since I've played the game, my copy of the anime is not with me so... I had to make do with some guess work... *shrugs*
Anyways, please do review and tell me what you think! :3